DP is not contributing enough

[seanna]

DP and I have been together for a year now. We moved in together 4 months ago. He's never paid his half in money but he did more or less pay his way. Last month he paid nothing. He's always struggling with money (I've seen his bank account) and he always promises he'll end up paying me. I think there have two times when he's promised and didn't deliver. He's promised he'll definitely transfer what he owes me today and from today onwards he'll just give me his debit card and I'll control most of his finances. At almost 9, that money hasn't been transferred and sadly I think it will be another empty promise. I make twice as much as he does, and I'm not bothered about paying more, but he has to pay something. How would you approach the subject? I don't want to give him an ultimatum he's only really failed to contribute for a month. He does clean the house and does other stuff for me, so I don't see him as a cockholder but I simply don't know how to approach this.

Dear god, he's a boyfriend, not her son. Why would you sit someone down like a teen and have to go through their finances like some of us had to do with 16-year-olds when they got their first job? What on earth is attractive about an adult who won't take responsibility for himself? Anyone with Google can figure out how to take control of their money.

I get where you're coming from @LeftRightCentre, really do. However, even in my 30's now if a friend was in this mess, I'd want to help where I could. I've also done things like help people to write their CV's, cleaned a friends house when he was hideously depressed etc.
Surely we want to help those we care for regardless of their age?

Surely we want to help those we care for regardless of their age?

Surely he's not asking for help, though, he's saying here's my card, you take over. And he's not paying his way. FFS. He's not a pet project.

I'm sure there's something he hasn't told me. That's the only way I can explain why the money disappears every month. I've seen him getting frustrated about it, he even cried once and called himself a failure. I want to help him, because he's not buying anything expensive or a luxury or anything. No clothes, no cars, no phones... Where is the money going??

It's really his lookout where the money is going, seanna and his job to tell you.

I'd ask him @seanna. Literally sit him down tonight after his fail to pay today and ask him to be straight with you, because it's clearly not working as it is for him.

I completely agree with LeftRight. He sounds like a project, which may benefit him, but ultimately I suspect not you.

This is going to turn into huge resentment. And I think you know he's not spending hundreds on his niece and nephew every month. It could be debt, it could be gambling, whatever it is, you need to sit down and have an honest conversation,

Stop any of his childish dramatics, crying, offering you his debit card. If he pulls that crap tell him the conversation is over till he can act like an adult.

Your relationship isn't going to last long if he continues to do this, so you need to sit down and resolve it now.

Sorry I can't see if you own or rent? That would change my advice somewhat?

I rent. But when started to talk about him.officially moving in I was able to pay for everything by myself, so I've never suffered financially per second ebcsude of him, I could be better off if he paid his way and that's why I never made a thing about it. He has paid now btw.

I wouod tell him that, as you are now living together, you need to look at finances together to work out a plan of who is paying for what as well as a budget.
Ask him if you can sit down together and review both of your spendings together as well as how you much you earning.
This will tell you where the money is goint, if he has any major issues with managing money (well he has but what is the scale of it) as well as how much you can each put into a Common pot every week/month.

Btw, I wouod make it clear that when a set amount has been agreed, it has to be automatically transferred to the common account on set days (at the end of each week if he is paid weekly, rand of the month for you if paid at the end of the month)

The problem mybrexit is that what you've suggested has been agreed twice. First time 3-4 months ago and last time on Monday. What keeps happening is that he simply doesn't have enough in his bank account I think he possibly needs help more than anything else.

Befire agreeing on an amount, you need to sit down and work out what is actually possible.
If he doesn’t have the money so the transfer is stopped (notice how I said it needed to be happening automatically just after his payment so it’s a priority and there is no wriggling room to say ‘oops sorry but this time I dint have the money), then there is clearly either an issue with him controlling his spending if he has no money left just after been paid. Or whatever you agreed on was too much.
To know if it’s one or the other, you need to sit down and work a budget out together and he needs to disclose his real spendings.

FFS why did you move him in? He is a cocklodger simple as. In any event, do you want a relationship where he can't manage money or meet his commitments?

You're mybrexit it has to be a standing order full stop. And he moved in because it's silly not.ro.want to.spend all of your time with the person you love.

Talking of "silly"; it's silly to accept lies and deceit from the person you love. It's silly to believe that somebody who demonstrated they had no money suddenly got a windfall from the money tree. It's silly to not ask why he told you he had not no money and not to find out where his money goes.

What wouldn't have been silly would have been to sort all this out before he moved in or to have waited until you got to know him better.

And he moved in because it's silly not.ro.want to.spend all of your time with the person you love.

Jesus wept. He really did see you coming. I've been married for 17 years and wouldn't be in a relationship with someone that insecure and suffocating. It's very unhealthy and co-dependent. More like it's silly to spend money on rent you know you have to pay every month on the dot because your friend won't put up with your money woes when you can park your feet under your girlfriend's table and pay it as and when.

So, some children and teenagers develop the habit of crying when they are trouble. They often find it helpful as well, in terms of other people's reactions.

Some adults don't grow out of it, and here you are likely to have found one.

If you are going to saddle yourself with someone with constant money issues, for purely romantic reasons, at least do it with your eyes open. I doubt it will get better, and there's plenty you are unlikely to be aware of as yet.

Read this saying a few times on mumsnet and it's so true,

'there is nothing as stupid as a woman in love'.

He is playing you like a fiddle, op.

The first thing would be to find out what the the problem is. There must be a reason why he is short of cash & unless you find out what it is this will undermine your relationship anyway. Taking control of his debit card is not the answer, you need full transparency from him. He may have debts that he is struggling to cover but there are lots of things that can be done to make that easier. People can change their financial outlook, I have seen it done many times. Debt itself perpetuates more debt because quite often the borrowing rates are punitive.

Yes, I think that's the first step. That and having zero tolerance over missed "weekly payments".

Why do people move in together without knowing each other's finances and having an adult discussion about how finances will work, who is going to be paying what, and ensuring it happens.

Seriously.

"He used to transfer a bit of money". No. There is no "bit". There is a fixed amount and he sets up a proper transfer on his account so that the same amount goes into your account on the same day every single month.

If you had zero tolerance he would be gone. He has already let you down and already lied.

Why hasn’t he explained himself yet and why haven’t you asked ?

How old are you both seanna ?

You mentioned an ex husband so you are both probably not as young as I had first thought.

You've only lived together for 4 months so you should be in the 'honeymoon' period, yet here you are having to control his finances as if he were a child.