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Original poster

DP is not contributing enough

154 replies

seanna · 04/10/2018 08:48

DP and I have been together for a year now. We moved in together 4 months ago. He's never paid his half in money but he did more or less pay his way. Last month he paid nothing. He's always struggling with money (I've seen his bank account) and he always promises he'll end up paying me. I think there have two times when he's promised and didn't deliver. He's promised he'll definitely transfer what he owes me today and from today onwards he'll just give me his debit card and I'll control most of his finances. At almost 9, that money hasn't been transferred and sadly I think it will be another empty promise. I make twice as much as he does, and I'm not bothered about paying more, but he has to pay something. How would you approach the subject? I don't want to give him an ultimatum he's only really failed to contribute for a month. He does clean the house and does other stuff for me, so I don't see him as a cockholder but I simply don't know how to approach this.

OP posts:
Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 09:21

Most of the time he's as puzzled as I am. I think he must be terrible with planning. Just yesterday he realised he had to top up his travel card and how much that would be. He had no idea it was about to run out.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 05/10/2018 09:27

So he is completely financially irresponsible, then? Or is he just a cocklodger in sheep's clothing?

Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 09:45

I'm almost 100% sure he's just has no financial IQ. He's agreed to other things like getting a joint mortgage, but the property would be in my name only (to secure my investment) and he was fine with that. Even though he would still be financially responsible. And we're moving soon to a joint tenancy agreement.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 05/10/2018 09:46

How old is he?

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 05/10/2018 09:50

There isn’t such a thing as financial IQ imo.
Thee is such a thing as financial knowledge.

He needs to learn what a budget is, how to plan for his money and what he is actually signing for (the stuff about the mortgage is crazy for example).

Pacificwander · 05/10/2018 09:50

Rent, utilities,food and travel cards aren't unexpected expenses though? They are monthly living expenses that need to be budgeted for every single month. No other money should leave his account until all these regular bills are paid.
If the place you jointly rent is too expensive for him/ beyond his means then he'll/you'll need to find a cheaper place to live.
If he's just oblivious to his own finances then that's an issue he needs to figure out quite easily himself with copies of his own statements and I don't know perhaps a pen and paper!
You shouldn't have to chase him to pay his way, no one chases you to pay your share of bills!!

Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 09:58

He's absolutely terrible with budgeting. That's is crystal clear. Once we move out (to a place we both choose) everything will be joint so there won't be a reason for him to not pay. Finding a place that ticks all the boxes has been hard or people get it before us, but that's the real deadline to me anyways because he won't have a choice

OP posts:
CloudPop · 05/10/2018 10:04

If he keeps running out of money how is that going to change when you have a mortgage ?

Thisisnotwhatiwant · 05/10/2018 10:06

But what happens when you move to a more expensive property and he still doesn’t pay his share. Then you are likely to start to struggle. His name on the tenancy just means you’ll struggle to get rid of him and your bank balance will suffer too.

LeftRightCentre · 05/10/2018 10:09

So you plan to move into a rented property with him and then buy a home with someone who has repeatedly demonstrated he is a financial disaster, financially irresponsible and think it's your remit to fix it? Some people are the architects of their own destruction. Words fail.

LeftRightCentre · 05/10/2018 10:11

But what happens when you move to a more expensive property and he still doesn’t pay his share. Then you are likely to start to struggle. His name on the tenancy just means you’ll struggle to get rid of him and your bank balance will suffer too.

This. Both joint tenants are responsible. If he's short then you'll be expected to pay for it all or fuck up your credit. I've tried to ram it home over and over to my kids not to sake their financial security for a partner because that's utter folly and can affect them for the rest of their lives.

ShatnersWig · 05/10/2018 10:13

Repeat - how old is he?

Vivaldi1678 · 05/10/2018 10:31

I agree with the comment that you have gained an expensive house pet. Get a cat instead, much cheaper and just as lovable, may even catch its own dinner Grin

Godowneasy · 05/10/2018 10:58

So if he pays each time you go out together, how much does he spend over the week on you both?
Do you eat out alot, go to bars and get cabs?
This could add up to a small fortune. (personally, I'd stop this, in favour of a regular fixed contribution to the household.
Also, does he buy breakfast on the way to work, and lunches etc? Even a daily coffee really adds up, especially on a low income.
Why don't you suggest he keeps a diary of everything he spends per week for a few weeks. and then he'll be able to see where every penny goes.
Then he will be able to adjust his spending accordingly. Or not...

ahYerWill · 05/10/2018 11:08

Seriously? You know he's lying about his finances - either he earns less or spends more than he says (otherwise he'd not be perma-skint). Yet you're still happily pushing to get deeper into this relationship and more financially entwined with an irresponsible liar. Why? You'll get financially fucked again. He might be the nicest guy in the world, except he's not cos he'd rather lie to you and put all his financial burden on you than be an adult. Unless you're under 12 there's no excuse for not being able to manage your money.

There's none so blind as those that will not see.

Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 11:21

I can afford the mortgage on my own, I just wanted to be able to get a higher loan (as I can afford it, but won't take my freelancing income into account). So that's why I was "using" him to be able to get a decent house.

Last time we went out for brunch it was a £100 bill that he paid. We go through phases, but to start with we would (and I mean he) spend £600 on just going out.

Weve had to stop doing it because well he can't afford it. And I don't want to make him feel bad. I already feel bad that I once bought a £1700 Gucci bag on a whim (which I can afford) and drive a '17 Evoque when he drives a banger that is ready for scrappage.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 05/10/2018 11:29

He needs to have a month where he writes down EVERYTHING he spends and what it was spent on. EVERYTHING. He can easily get a little 49p notepad to do it that he keeps in his pocket/bag.
If hes so frustrated that hes crying and is losing 1k a month somewhere then he really needs to get a grip on this for himself.
He cant improve his spending until he knows what its being spent ON.

SusannahL · 05/10/2018 13:18

Another one who wishes the OP would say how old this man is.

ShatnersWig · 05/10/2018 13:39

Why are you refusing to answer the repeated question, not just from me, about the age of this man? Are you afraid of what we will say?

Because while I could potentially accept a much younger guy not being great with his budgeting and finances, if he's older, then clearly this is who he is and I'd be very concerned about it or think he's a cocklodger who deliberately hides his finances so that you can keep subbing him.

£100 brunch and Gucci bags though. Clearly you can afford for him to be your kept man. Maybe that's precisely what has attracted him?

Godowneasy · 05/10/2018 13:46

Surely the mortgage company will insist on his name being on the deeds of any new property, if the mortgage is in joint names?

I'd check his credit score too, before you apply for a joint mortgage with him- it sounds unlikely that it will be very good on the basis of what you have said about his lack of money management skills.

Notacluewhatthisis · 05/10/2018 14:15

Hang on. He name is going To be on the mortgage but not the house?

Would be surprised if that's possible. Would also call him and idiot for doing it.

Notacluewhatthisis · 05/10/2018 14:22

Why the fuck would you get a house with some one when you say you are sure he is hiding something?

JennyHolzersGhost · 05/10/2018 14:37

Get his bank statements. Go through them together. Until you do that you’ll never really know what’s going on.

safetyfreak · 05/10/2018 14:42

I cannot believe you are buying a house with this man.

Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 15:44

He's almost 40. And ye it is possible to do that with a mortgage..not everyone will but. Barclays would.for example.

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