Husband slapped our son and he has a little bruise

[Abbie268]

Not sure what to do really I don't think my son has noticed the bruise as it's on the back of his leg but I still don't know what to do I have always said no violence

Absolutely rediculous to compare smacking a child to hitting your partner . Laughable.

You are smacking the child to discipline them. Why would you discipline your partner?

My child was born with a green bum, it’ll always be like it apparently.
I dread to think what would happen to me if one of you anti-smacking vigilantes saw it and reported it because you’ve made an assumption, as you’ve been doing on this thread.

How does smacking a child discipline them exactly? It doesn't teach them that their actions are wrong, it teaches them that the parent can't control their temper and that it's acceptable to lash out physically when you are frustrated.

And Nightwatch, your logic is as flawed as your grammar. Not everyone was hit as a child.

It doesn’t though.
I was smacked, I don’t think my parents are violent or can’t control their temper 🙄

Next shouting at kids will be illegal as it’s ‘emotional abuse’.

He has caused a small bruise ONCE. Yes, he overreacted and should apologise but LTB, seriously?! The people advising this actually do not give a shiny sh*t about the child but are playing a dangerous game of vicarious revenge because they were hit or otherwise mistreated during their own childhood. Or, worse, have some theoretical idea of perfect parenting that they feel all parents should measure up to.

What would the son gain from reduced contact with his loving father (unless this is a massive drip feed and he is regularly abusive/unkind)?

Anyone with sons can see the bruises they leave on one another after playing.

The father should apologise for overreacting. Ideally the son should also apologise for his behaviour, which sounds highly disrespectful (parents get to control their childrens’ screen time, not vice versa). Then the family should MOVE ON and forget about it.

As for school/legality etc, it would be reported to the safeguarding lead. It may end there or they may report it to social services. If they had a visit from SS and they heard about ONE snack that led to ONE small bruise in 9 years, that would be the end of it.

But as the OP tells it, this was a clear case of not being able to control his temper. A good parent would have removed the privilege of the games console altogether rather than lashed out physically. And yes, some adults now will say they're fine about being hit as a child. At least an equal number will be far from fine about it. There are whole threads on the subject - I am one of the many with parents who felt violence was an excellent way of disciplining us. It will never be forgiven or forgotten and we (my brother and I) have never had a decent relationship with our parents because of it. I hope the parents who still think smacking is OK are happy to take the chance for their relationship with their kids to end up like that. I'm sure you'll think it was all worth it for the valuable lessons your kids learned when you're 75 and alone at Christmas and birthdays .

I'm sorry but that's crossing a line - personally I'd tell my DH to get out of the house til he can behave less like a Neanderthal and live with his parents for a bit - completely unacceptable - your husband needs a learning curve too! Bloody bullying arsehole

If school notice this mark and the child tells them dad slapped them, the correct procedure is to report to SS, who will then come in and speak to the child and the parent.
Unless it's apparent that this is a regular occurrence, no further action will be taken.
The UK law allows 'reasonable punishment' as a defence, so this would not stand up in a court of law.
Advising the parent to leave the husband is a complete overreaction in this case. Yes, the child may be upset that his dad slapped him when he was being naughty, but that is nothing compared to how he will feel if his family is split up. Being exposed to repeated violence is a different matter, and as some have already said, it's not that simple.

This is just not ok at all! Don't 'LTB' but honestly you need to tell him that slapping a child is not acceptable and you will not tolerate it again!
Explain that your son obviously wanted attention and the tv is less important than this!
Yes, your son was 'punishing' his dad by switching off the tv as he wasn't allowed on the console. But really, this is where we teach our kids that even adults don't need screen time and we get a game out and have a play! I always find that when I put a ban on screen time, it works best if we as adults show the child that we can do something else.

Huh, you get out a game and play? Good grief. What an entitled little nightmare you will raise there. The child does not dictate when parent watches TV.

No way would I have behaved like this as a child. If I did I would have expected consequences, and rightly so. If my parent gave me attention every time I demanded it, I dread to think what I'd be like now as an adult.

Absolutely rediculous to compare smacking a child to hitting your partner . Laughable.

Why? Are children fair game like?

What an entitled little nightmare you will raise there.

Wow! So I have an 11 year old who spends her time reading, painting and learning anything to do with space. And playing guitar.
A 4 year old who is beautifully mannered and is well behaved learning how to read and write.
A 2 year old who is learning right from wrong!
No nightmares in my household. Yes they are not perfect 100% of the time, but they are certainly well behaved children!
We as adults watch TV when kids go to bed! I don't want my childrens childhood memories to be the side of my face while I watch tv or play on my phone!

^ well done for only quoting one sentence, the next sentence explains what I meant.
rolls eyes

We as adults watch TV when kids go to bed! I don't want my childrens childhood memories to be the side of my face while I watch tv or play on my phone!

Who is saying that the parent watches TV all the time? Where has it been said that a child's memories will be all about the side of a parent's face? Nowhere has it been said on here that the parent ignores the child by watching TV ALL THE TIME.
I'm sure many parents have seen the side of their children's faces watching TV or films. The point is that if a parent wants to watch something on TV, they should watch it without feeling as if their child's needs and demands ALWAYS come first.

Learning to respect other people is just as important as playing games with parents don't you think?

Oops. Sorry. Let me fix that.

Absolutely rediculous to compare smacking a child to hitting your partner . Laughable.

Why? Are children fair game like?

You are smacking the child to discipline them. Why would you discipline your partner?

Erm no, still don't see how sentence 2 makes sentence 1 ok. Probably because smacking to discipline is a ridiculous thing to do.

Oh well, I tried.

My cousin had her child removed from her care on a temporary basis for leaving a bruise after a smack. The child in question has severe behavioural problems and possibly mental health problems. She was at the end of her tether and his removal made the situation much worse.
You need to make sure that this doesnt happen again. From my own childhood sanctions such as being stopped from going to a birthday party or an X box ban were far more effective than being smacked. I used to beg to smacked instead of not going to a party.

Honestly the most fucked up kids I know belong to friends who were vehement anti smackers and did this very cold controlled "withdrawing of love and sending you away to your room because you are so disappointing to me thing" that was absolutely chilling. Those kids absolutely have self esteem issues.

Those of us who gave a quick tap to curb bad behaviour then moved on seem to have raised more resilient kids. Obviously I'm not talking about beating here.

And yes my parents smacked me a couple of times and I honestly have never given it a moments thought. And yes I have gone so far as to apologise to my adult kids, guilted by the modern anti smacking consensus, and they have basically laughed and said "different times, but don't worry about it."

I wouldn't smack now, it's not socially acceptable. But I'm not entirely convinced psychological punishment is better.

Second, i guarantee everyone of us got smacked as a child, with good reason too as well.

We most certainly were not. I was never hit as a child because my dad's parents hit him and he thought it was scary and never wanted to put his children through that.

I was sent to my room, or to bed early, or told I couldn't go to a party. I turned out just fine.

You don't need to physically punish your children to teach them how to behave

Honestly the most fucked up kids I know belong to friends who were vehement anti smackers and did this very cold controlled "withdrawing of love and sending you away to your room because you are so disappointing to me thing" that was absolutely chilling. Those kids absolutely have self esteem issues.

Those of us who gave a quick tap to curb bad behaviour then moved on seem to have raised more resilient kids. Obviously I'm not talking about beating here.

You know there's an in between, right?

Of course I know there's an in between. But I don't think there is some magical ideal way to discipline a child because basically you are trying to get another human being to modify their behaviour to what you want, so there is inevitably some kind of unhappiness involved.

Of course some parents think attempting to modify your kid's behaviour at all is abusive (the "spirited" kind of kid"), but that tends to not have good outcomes either in terms of a well behaved child.

And I think the kind of discipline you use depends on your child's personality. DD1 for instance is a total extrovert, sending her to her room was really quite cruel. DD2 is a total introvert, perfectly happy sent to her room and really not a punishment at all.

Just a word of warning my ex h father smacked him. It started off normal and escalated.

His mother stayed and didn't protect him.

He is now NC with his dad and resents his mum greatly and had minimum contact. She constantly tries to engage him but he won't have it.

In his eyes she is even worse because she is his mother and did nothing.

sanctions such as being stopped from going to a birthday party or an X box ban were far more effective than being smacked.
While I obviously don't condone smacking, long term sanctions that have nothing to do with the child's "offence" are also particularly pointless, especially in children who struggle to behave.
We sometimes have to remove DS to his room when he is being so unsafe that he can't be with us, but it happens IMMEDIATELY.

He wouldn't connect a birthday party ban with something that happened even earlier in the day so it wouldn't be effective. It would just make him worse.

You know what you need to do OP - you need to protect your child and make sure this doesn't ever happen again.

I think you need a serious conversation with your husband as he seems to not understand that his behaviour was utterly unacceptable and it also totally disregarded your parenting views too. I would certainly tell him if anything like this happens again then he will be out of the door permanently. He may personally agree with smacking but he has shown that he has been unable to control his own anger so this form of punishment needs to be banned in your house - this should be a non negotiable point.

Smacking can be a contentious issue, what is not contentious it the fact that if you smack a child so hard that you leave a bruise then you have actually applied unreasonable force and have assaulted them.

He needs to understand that by marking his son he has behaved illegally and maybe show him the following link for clarity. childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/the-law-on-smacking-children/

I share the same thoughts as you op and have never used physical punishment to discipline my children. The fact is your partner lost control of his emotions and has shown no remorse or recognition that he actually crossed a line in acceptable parenting behaviour.

Yes your son was pushing boundaries and was being naughty but there are many other ways to discipline/sanction children for unacceptable and disrespectful behaviour.

Of course all of this may be taken out of your hands if the school become aware of this situation.

So some posters on here calling a child ‘a little shit’ whilst on another thread a parent is complaining that a teacher called their child a numpty. The inconsistency of this site is staggering at times.
Re the op. I don’t believe in corporal punishment in any form. Shocking behaviour.

Maybe what he should’ve done was give his DS some attention - he was clearly craving it

I think the OP stated that the child wanted to play on the console and was playing up because he wasn't getting his own way, rather than attention seeking. Not excusing the man's actions but the OP also seems to have been aware that the ds was being a goady shite and offering no support to her dh, so not much of a united front there. I wonder what sanctions are generally in place and whether the boy often gets away with being goady and dispespectful to his father.