Husband slapped our son and he has a little bruise

[Abbie268]

Not sure what to do really I don't think my son has noticed the bruise as it's on the back of his leg but I still don't know what to do I have always said no violence

OPs silence is worrying.

This thread is playing on my mind. One thing that sticks in my head is the OP “I have always said no violence”
I’ve never said this to DH. I don’t need to. What sort of relationship do you need to be in to feel you have to say this? Emotionally abusive? Financially controlling? Threatening?

But there IS a difference between tapping a toddler

Why can't people who hit kids call it what it is.

Tapping? I tapped my friend on the shoulder in Tesco's earlier, are we to believe that's the sort of action you mean? I don't think so.

A load of goady shite

Tapping doesn't cause a bruise ffs. Let's all call it what it is. The man hit his child.

My four year old slapped me on the arm the other day and I have a small bruise. Some people bruise easier than others.
Smacking is not great parenting but I would not leave my husband over it. I would take the time to talk about how we can work as a team and tackle bad behaviour.

I'm sorry I just can't imagine a slap causing a bruise?! Maybe red marks but a bruise?? Like a blue/purple bruise? Or am i defining 'bruise' wrong ? (Genuine q)

There is abuse out there. There are people that neglect their kids, rape their kids, beat their kids and their kids live in fear. That honestly doesnt sound like this situation. That child was not afraid of anyone. He was being a dick and his dad slapped his leg. Once.Ffs"

Yes, this, exactly sums up my thinking. It trivialises abuse to describe one slap in the way some posters have.

Really? Neither of you have the ability to think this through logically? Abuse starts somewhere. Always. There is always a first time.

I felt like a monster when I slapped her leg. I know I will never do it ever again. What right do I have to slap a defenceless little girl?

Yes she was trying to kick me in the face, however still doesn't give me the right.

I was smacked as a child, and I still love my parents, but it is only as an adult that I can see that I love them despite this breach of trust and parenting failure on their part. When you are small and the people you look to for love, guidance and a safe space use their authority and might against you in this way, it does affect you. All of the people saying 'I turned out fine' are either very lucky, or in denial or perhaps failing to address the question- 'how might I have turned out if I hadn't grown up in a situation where my most beloved caregivers chose to hurt me to get a point across'? There are numerous studies which show that smacking/ other forms of corporal punishment are linked to a higher incidence of mental illness or psychological problems in people as they become adults, and well into adulthood (where often sadly the cycle starts again, usually with the assailant saying things like 'I was smacked and I turned out ok and still love my parents'. Stockholm syndrome, anyone?)

All of that said, I think the OP needs to take a step back and consider everything in context, as only she can know deep down what the true picture really is. Is this an isolated incident? Is her DH a victim of corporal punishment in his childhood, or are there similar factors at play? Does he accept that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and a poor example to set a child? In short- is there a realistic risk of this happening again? A full and frank discussion is required and the DH's cooperation (or lack of) would to me signal whether or not I needed to remove the child from this situation and either end the marriage or separate pending the DH getting some help for his anger and impulse control.

"Neither of you have the ability to think this through logically? Abuse starts somewhere. Always. There is always a first time."

You think that it's likely that the first time a father abuses his child in 9 years is when he's being a little sod about turning off a tv, and that thereafter it's a slippery slope to serious child abuse? And there you are questioning our logic skills. Mm-hmm.

The only person with the ability to consider the question in context is the OP. The logical and helpful thing on the thread would be to help the OP work out what this context is, as some posters have in fact done. The absurd, armchair drama-queen, saviour-complex option is to weigh straight in and advocate police, social services and divorce. Surely this is so obvious it shouldn't need saying?!

I would speak with my partner about what is not acceptable. You know best if this is really a one off. If there is an issue with abuse or anger then leave. If not then discuss it and move on. Make sure you also discipline the child and talk with him about why his behaviour wasnt ok.

You think that it's likely that the first time a father abuses his child in 9 years is when he's being a little sod about turning off a tv, and that thereafter it's a slippery slope to serious child abuse? And there you are questioning our logic skills. Mm-hmm.

No I don't think that at all.

My point was that the abusers in the serious category do start somewhere, using worse examples doesn't make what the OPDH did any more acceptable.

Obviously there is more to this family's life than one slap, but I can't get past the idea that if the OP had been annoying her husband and so he had slapped her hard enough to leave a bruise, a lot of these responses would have been very different. If someone annoyed him in the supermarket by picking up the last cucumber and the husband slapped him/her, would that be OK? If it's not OK to do it to other adults I can't see any justification for doing it to a child.

And what exactly did your husband think the child learned from the slap? Judging by my own experience I'd say the child learned that his father is a dick and will have lost even more respect for him. Well done, OP's husband.

My point was that the abusers in the serious category do start somewhere, using worse examples doesn't make what the OPDH did any more acceptable.

One isolated incident is not a trend.

Pushing the OP into thinking that it might be a trend, and making recommendations based on the idea that it IS a trend, is harmful.

I scream at the person who just cut me up on a roundabout that he's a giant wanker.

From that sentence alone, am I:

1. An alcoholic with rage issues, who should be referred to social services/the police/mental health professionals
2. A normal person who had a bad day, was tired and stressed out at the time, and is otherwise totally normal in his day to day life
3. You don't know, because there isn't enough information given to justify an assumption either way

?

Yes, abuse happens. Yes, there is always a first time. However the assumption that this is the beginning of a disturbing new trend where the husband continues to beat his son has no evidence behind it whatsoever. How would you like a coterie of strangers on the internet to judge you based on the biggest mistake you ever made, and make assumptions about your personality on the worst day of your life?

Most men are not routinely abusive. In the absence of any further evidence, stick with the statistical majority. It is more likely that this guy reached the end of his tether and made a one-off mistake than he is a serial abusive father.

Seth you’ve totally missed the point that was made and in fact turned the scenario into what suits your thinking. If dad was remorseful, which he should be, he’d have said so and the OP would not have come on here, she clearly has concerns over her DHs behaviour. End of your tether would surely warrant something far more infuriating than a 9 year old annoying you by switching off a TV, if that was the case there would be an awful lot of kids going about with bruises. Whether you like it or not he has in fact commited common assault which is a criminal offence. The other posters with their cries of OTT reactions have chosen to ignore that fact and if a teacher asks the boy how he got that bruise and boy speaks the truth then teacher has a professional duty to report it, won’t be such a non incident then eh

GrandTheftWalrus - I don't get all the drama. Very over the top in the circumstances.

If dad was remorseful, which he should be, he’d have said so

Really? Do you always clearly articulate your feelings immediately after doing something in a highly emotional state? I know I don't. You can't be so naive as to think that not saying you regret something is the same as not regretting it at all.

and the OP would not have come on here, she clearly has concerns over her DHs behaviour.

Well yes, concerns are justified. This is an unprecedented situation for her and her family. However there is such a thing as mountains and molehills.

End of your tether would surely warrant something far more infuriating than a 9 year old annoying you by switching off a TV, if that was the case there would be an awful lot of kids going about with bruises.

None of us have any idea about any possible external circumstances.

Whether you like it or not he has in fact commited common assault which is a criminal offence.

I don't think anyone is disputing that. On the other hand not every crime needs to be reported to the police. Or do you report your own family members for speeding at 5 miles over the limit? I mean, speeding is potentially lethal to multiple people, unlike slapping someone's leg, so is obviously a much more serious crime. Would you report your own child in the first instance for underage drinking or smoking? Both illegal, both harmful. If your DP was in a bar and someone shoved him from behind, and he turned around and punched the person, would you report your DH to the police?

The notion that social services or police intervention should be the first port of call is just nuts.

Pushing the OP into thinking that it might be a trend, and making recommendations based on the idea that it IS a trend, is harmful

Yeah that’s not what i was doing though.

Hitting your 9 year old son is harmful. Let’s try and keep the blame in the hands of the offender.

I think it was very telling that OP stipulated no violence acceptable towards her child, I also think any good parent would feel immediately remorseful and would not need time to mull it over. That bruise and those two red marks will be kept hidden and not spoken about to anyone because it’s assault and should not be tolerated esp towards a small child and I’ve no doubt the dad will be the most insistent that the lad keeps quiet. Again you miss the point, slapping is not an offence, (in England) marking a child’s skin, ie a bruise is. Your analogy of speeding by 5 miles is simply bonkers.

Talk it over with your DP and move on. This is not a massive deal. Agree on how to discipline your son in the future.

I have, in frustration, smacked my eldest before, when he was a preschooler tantruming. I haven't done it with my second child though, and I have a lot of guilt for doing it to my first, because it's wrong. It's wrong, childish, violent, and retaliatory. None of those are things we should be role modelling for our kids.
The DH needs to sit the son down and apologise genuinely - acknowledge that he reacted badly, that what he did was wrong, that he won't do it again, and next time he will do X or Y instead, and then ask his son's forgiveness (and be prepared to be told "no!".)
It honestly does children good to see people behave with ownership and sincerity when they've done wrong, and to give a heartfelt apology models it for the child.
Of course for that, your husband needs to understand why it was wrong, first. Would he hit the dog? The cat? You? His sibling? A colleague? Just lashing out isn't an excuse, because I'd hope he wouldn't lash out at you, or a colleague. DH needs to realise that while smacking is fairly normalised in society still, that doesn't mean it's okay, or an effective means of parenting.

Oh the Mumsnet Warriors are out in force shouting LTB!

First off the bruise would not of appeared straight away, so highly unlikely it was caused by your DP.

Second, i guarantee everyone of us got smacked as a child, with good reason too as well.

Your DC should of had his games console removed permanently the second he started playing up.

Actions have consequences.

Oh @Adora10 stfu