Dating thread 140 - Why????

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

*distraction! Although destruction may also be correct from what I've seen from my nieces and nephews!

So just on a sidenote, can things progress from a sex chat? I'm very flirty in that way but also jokey too but does that mean I'm revealing a bit too much early on?....men's opinions would be useful!

@RunsforCake14 I would feel a tad hurt too but I think everyone is out there keeping their options open unfortunately. On one of my dates, I'm sure I saw him on Bumble mid date! I think until people know exactly that the other person is on the same page, they will keep looking. I'd go on another date if I were you and then make the call whether you like him enough

@Eesha for me personally I get nothing out of sex chat with strangers. I find it boring until I've actually exchanged bodily fluids with someone so from my point of view if someone started off a convo with any form of sex chat I'd usually amuse myself by winding them up or engaging in banter with no intention of it going anywhere.
I imagine it's different for different people though 🤷🏼‍♀️

I hasten to add, mine is just flirty banter rather than all out 'I wanna do this to you'

Please can I have your thoughts on this situation?
(I have zero potential dates lined up apart from the following.)
Matched with a guy on Bumble who was in London from the US and comes here once a month. Established he isn’t looking for a ONS, never married, no kids, 41, last serious relationship 2 years ago. He didn’t seem to mind I had a child. We didn’t meet when he was here (we both said we’d like to), didn’t text when he left but he did message me when he came for a long weekend, which was nice.

Anyway, he doesn’t say much in his messages and we haven’t messaged a lot even when he was here but he seems very nice. I asked him 3 times what he does for a living before he told me. Only wants to message when he’s in London.

I’m curious to meet him and know it won’t go anywhere . Just wondered what you guys thought? Not sure why he’s on Bumble if he’s reticent to engage...

if all you want is a shag then fine milo. But does seem that you may want more and if that's the case, I would steer clear

@Milomonster to me he sounds like he might already have a partner or more irons in the fire and just looking for an ego boost on Bumble. I think you should get out there and try and find more irons rather than focus on this one, easier said than done I know!

Deffo want more than a shag (although could do with one as it’s been sooooooo long I can’t even put a date on it). Will probably unmatch him in the next week or so.

Thanks eesha - yes I reckon he has someone in the US although he said he’s single. I’ve run out of suitable men in Bumble and the same ones are now reappearing. On Guardian, I’ve had my 3rd message from a guy in 60s who keeps saying he’s surprised I haven’t been “snapped up” and wishes he was younger as he really wants to meet me.

@Milomonster I'm pretty much the same, no more matches on Bumble, zilch on Tinder. I have one date lined up next week but hoping to have more irons so I don't overinvest! I think these things go in cycles, and I'm sure there will be more potentials coming up to Christmas!

Any thoughts people on when to confirm plans for dates? I'm due to meet my date next weekend, we only spoke on Sunday just gone so it's a whole two weeks away. He said he would look for somewhere suitable so just was thinking when to ask where etc. We haven't been in contact since. I was a bit burnt by one date where I did ask for more info and didn't get a response, even though we did end up meeting in the end! Anyway, I'm just a person who likes lots of info as I have more time on my hands. Maybe next Wed?

@Eesha

Could you strike up a convo about something else and just slip it in?
Anyone I dated, I was also usually regularly chatting with anyway. If you don't speak to him before then, I'd probably drop him a message a couple of days before saying something like "hey just checking you're still ok for.... what do you fancy doing?"
There were a few guys who arranged to meet with me weeks in advance, who I then didn't hear from again but it's their loss.
Anyone worth dating will keep some contact I think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Runs I find it awkward when people talk about other dating other people or others they have dated, I feel awkward seeing someone is on POF straight after I have been on a date with them but it just seems to be the way this dating thing works. At the moment I hardly go on a POF or Tinder as I am kind of dating someone but I do still talk to others (back up irons) mainly because I have been OLD now for 3 years on and off and I know if rare for things to work out, I no longer think I will meet ‘the one’ on OLD so I like to keep my options open until I do. I think until you both agree you are in a relationship then why shouldn’t you talk to other people? We all know how people can suddenly vanish over night leaving us feeling rubbish.

Mr Kayak is meant to be coming over today, he keeps dropping hints about staying over, I think he wants to be here when I leave tomorrow for the festival, possibly to check that I am going on my own or to try and persuade me to take him with me. At the moment he hasn’t replied to my texts. He’s confusing me, he keeps asking me when he can come over, tells me he’s bored and has nothing to do and then when I say I’m free he’s suddenly working (gets here late), he doesn’t seem to have any schedule which I struggle with as I like to know what im doing. Luckily he’s going home for the week next week which will give me space to think.

@wishywashy6 yes I agree, id like more contact though we had one long chat on the phone Sunday, then texted all day Monday. I think I might see how things are by the weekend and then contact him Wed to check, but if I haven't heard a word, then might just assume it's a no! I'm a single mum so need to plan but also hate chasing things

@Eesha
I understand that and I'd probably assume the same. I always found any guy who was serious about a date always made some effort to keep in touch in between, where as others would make "plans" way in advance and then disappear 🤷🏼‍♀️
I suppose rule 4 applies here!

Not seeing Mr Kayak today, waited in, no response to my message until just now saying he’s had to go and sort something out at home with one of his kids (5 hours drive away), this has just backed up the reasons why I didn’t want to date someone with young children . Not his fault at all but I just don’t want to be the person sat waiting whilst he has to sort out his kids.

So I’m packing my van up ready to go to the festival, sorted the mix up with the 2 guys I’m meant to be meeting there that know each other, made it clear that I’m not really looking for a relationship but am looking to make new friends so I am hoping to join both of them at some point for a drink. Going to try really hard to get Mr Kayak out of my head for a bit as I’m not likely to see him for a while (if at all).

I've spent a lovely morning with one of my closest friends chatting about dating and why my date on Tuesday has affected me so badly. We concluded that I'm too sensitive, old fashioned, cynical and stuck in my ways for OLD.
I accept that dating these days means chatting to multiple people and dating more than one at a time unless you agree to be exclusive. But I find that hard especially if I've had a enjoyable date with someone and they go straight online to look/chat to someone else.

I always message a date within 24 hours to thank them and usually end up saying sorry but I don't want to see you again. I certainly don't reply saying thanks but it would've been better if we'd had sex after. Which was what Tuesday's date implied in response to my text.

Normally I would just laugh it off and move on to the next iron. But I've had nothing but rejection and messages ignored. I've had some dates but the men have been boring, missing teeth or just rude.

I've no idea why I can't attract anyone but after zero matches and zero replies to messages, I am packing in OLD for good. It's affecting me too much when I should just be able to move on and enjoy it.

Thanks for everyone's advice and support.

@RunsforCake14 I'm sorry you feel a bit rubbish, I think OLD can be an emotional rollercoaster at times. Your experience was rubbish, but maybe just take a break and don't assume everyone is like this. There are lots of positive stories out there too.

Eesha there are some lovely, positive stories on here. But I've had 2 years of rubbish dates, ignored messages, unwanted sex talk etc. I haven't had any positive experience of OLD. I've had breaks only to come back with new enthusiasm and find the same thing happens again and again. I just can't do it anymore.

sorry to hear that runs. I hope you stay in touch in some format. I don't think we are that dissimilar! If anything, you can come up and we'll have a girls night out x

Runs I understand completely, I feel the same after 3 years of it . I took a break over the summer and really enjoyed not having the stress of OLD, I’m not really sure why I’m doing it again. Every time I look on POF I think “what the hell am I doing here?”, feels like I’m setting myself up to be hurt. I’m not sure I can do it for much longer, maybe it’s still possible to meet someone in real life? Time to get out more and join in with activities in the real world? Although there are positive stories on here, there are far more negative ones.

@Runs I totally get it. It can be awful. I had 6 years of it (before packing it all in this January - and yet still met someone on OLD!)

I have had so many failures. Like 99.9% fail rate. Here are some classics...(copy and pasted from the Worst First Date thread!)

1. the guy I had chatted to for about 6 weeks, got along great, finally decide to meet. Was standing at our designated meeting point. He walked up to me...looked me up and down and just said 'no' and walked away. (He followed me on IG so knew what I looked like btw.)

2. the guy who had used his son's dating profile to meet younger women ( he was also about 5' tall) who then I did a #1 to (karma)

3. the guy who turned up drunk and immediately started trying to manhandle the barmaid, was promptly thrown out by bouncers, and then loudly shouted from outside 'but my fanny's still in there!' whilst pointing at me.

4. the guy whose ex wife showed up drunk half way through the night and threw herself on the table of food (she was with her new partner too) and it took both of them to get her home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and she did something similar the second time too.

And the men who I actually LIKED but didn't want to sleep with straight away have called me the following...

Frigid cow, slag (ironically?!), washed up hag, bitter spinster (actually is true), fat ugly bitch (from someone who five mins previously was dying to get in my knickers), cock tease (?) and my favourite - ice fanny.

And from that I would concur the male ego is far more fragile than ours.

@RunsforCake14 why not just take a break, concentrate on yourself and do more other activities like meetups or hobbies? My friend met her partner on a meetup walking group in London, and one of the men I went on a date with was telling me about classes like gymnastics where you can meet people. It's definitely hard work dating online, many people treat potential dates with much less respect than they would in real life. If it's any consolation, I've heard similar stories from men, saying they are fed up of apps too. It's a minefield!

@UnapologeticallyUnhinged oh my god that had me in stitches!! Ice fanny 😂😂😂

I just think it's important to remember that everyone is on their for their own reasons and it's no reflection on you when something doesn't go the way you hoped. Nobody owes you anything, especially not after 1 date.

I had plenty of unwanted sex chat from guys and plenty of guys who got highly offended when I didn't want to massage their tiny cocks massive egos but I suppose the only way to deal with them is laugh about it!