Dating thread 140 - Why????

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@letloveleadplease you are about to feel the wrath of Mumsnet!

bendy I meet a lot of men I like. But i work in a v male environment and the vast majority of my friends are men. I have a criteria but I suppose this is the first time I've had to use OLD to find someone. I've always spontaneously met people - either out, through connections or friends of friends. So I guess, at 45, I suddenly find myself having to use this medium to meet people and it's tough. If i look back at my successful relationships, there's not much in common with the men at all. They are all different. Though there's a higher proportion of men in creative fields (advertising, journalism etc.) but equally people who are plumbers, sportsmen etc. a real wide range. A lot of men are intimidated by me as I have a fairly high powered job and so many men discount women like me. It has surprised me actually. I don't mind, as they obviously wouldn't be right for me. I'm pretty sure this is why bloke1 didn't want a relationship with me.

As for a relationship of sorts with fwb, I definitely don't have one with bloke1. I rarely hear from him. MrLBG we do have something but I have to watch that, as I would always want more with him than him with me. So I don't think either can be defined as a relationship of any sort as I am not getting any needs met other than sex. A relationship for me includes emotional intimacy. And I don't have that with fwb.

it's funny daffo because I more often than not had a good 'friendship' part of the FWB scenario. My need for good conversation, company, fun, intellectual discussion, laughter, etc. was being met by FWBs. You maybe only have the 'benefit' part? I think I am probably more unusual with that, but I have to really like someone personally to have good sex with them. The physical attraction just isn't enough on its own.
I get what you are saying about emotional intimacy, and this did develop with one person (mutually) but not the others. And we just went with it.
But your idea of a relationship is entirely up to you to define. Mine is quite wide, in the general sense of human interaction.

Yes I get that bendy. I have to have a connection to have great sex but I don't let myself invest more because neither fwb want a relationship with me and so i don't let that happen, if that makes sense.

Where did Peter go?!

It's great to hear some success stories on here but I'm with PookieDo that getting to that stage (if you ever do) is hard work and an emotional rollercoaster.

My friend has been asking me all day why I don't want to meet last night's date again. I know he's chatting to other women, we had quite an honest discussion about it. Unusual on a first date. But he walked away from me and went straight onto POF. And was on there for most of the evening (according to another friend who keeps seeing him online). I'd like to think he left me thinking that he'd had a good evening and wondering if he will see me again. Instead his attention went straight to someone else. That has knocked my self esteem today.

I like the idea of dating but I've met too many liars and had too many set backs, that I don't think I can do it any more.

Hang on a mo - have we missed something - do we have our first dating thread love story - think Bendy and Kin are telling us something don't think it is coincidence that they are both telling very similar things!!!

Thanks pudding #RuleXbreakers

Rule 10 I think 🤔

I think you might be onto something there Val

@RunsforCake14

With all due respect after one date I wouldn't let that bother me at all. How did you know he was on POF all night? Were you on it too? Perhaps he'd gone on to see if you'd logged in?!
It's easy to make assumptions and overthink without really knowing the truth but I think no matter how good a date is with someone, you can't hold it against them for going back online in the really early stages. It's just something you've got to swallow and accept as part of OLD

I've been seeing Mr 24 (who I am now exclusive with) for 2 months now. We chatted online for about 3 weeks prior to our first date. We only made the decision about 3 weeks ago to become exclusive which means until then both our dating profiles were active. I wasn't keen at seeing him online and as it turns out he felt the same about me but as we hadn't had "that talk" neither of us really had the right to be annoyed about it.

I guess what I'm saying is I do understand why it might knock your self esteem but it doesn't really mean anything and is kind of what you sign up to with OLD
If you like him, I wouldn't let it put you off a second date

@Kin2 @BendyLikeBeckham 😱😱😉

wishywashy I haven't been back on POF since last night. One of my friends is on there and saw him online when she thought he should've been with me. It was about 5-10mins after the date ended.
I know this is how OLD works, I've been doing it long enough. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. He's done nothing wrong and I accept that. But the point I was making is that it is hard work trying to figure out if someone likes you, should you message them, are they seeing someone else etc etc. And it's emotionally draining sometimes.
I'm just fed up of only getting messages from blokes looking for sex, having my messages ignored, or meeting men who look nothing like their photos and have no interests in their life.

I have heard back from my date last night. He sent a couple of messages. The second one is asking about sex. So there won't be a second date.

wishy and val

runsforcake I agree with wishy. It's tantamount to a man, the day after a date, chatting to a female friend, looking at a girl's bum in the gym, or striking up a flirty convo with the pretty woman in the coffee shop. You had one date. He owes you nothing, no loyalty, no fidelity, no particular headspace when he isn't in your company.

If you let this tiny thing affect your self esteem and close down what could be a great opportunity with someone nice (assuming you like him otherwise) then you are doing yourself a disservice. Hope you can chill a bit and just enjoy dating without too many expectations!

cross posted with you there runsforcake

I'm fine with practical and sensible sex talk to assess compatibility, but I think I'm in the minority here! I've weeded out many a guy who is into stuff I'm not that way, and saved myself lots of time wasted dating men who are not suitable in the bedroom

Bendy normally it wouldn't bother me that he's chatting to other women. We talked about it on the date. But I think it's getting to me more than normal because we were set up by my friend and her boyfriend. And I've had her messaging me all date asking about the date.
I enjoyed his company but there's lots of issues - his son lives with him full time plus other things - which are making me question if he's right for me. He's tried a couple of times to get me to talk about sex and I won't do that with someone I don't know.

My only expectation with dating is that I'll either get no interest or it will be a bad date. Last night was the first decent date I've had in 2 years but now it seems he is only interested in sex.

runs What were the good things about the date to make you say it was the best one in 2 years, bearing in mind as with most first dates you are strangers, awkwardness, nerves, etc?

Is it worth a second date to help you make up your mind about a third? Or is he completely out of the running now? I only ask because I think it's often better to be getting out there than not, even if it's just some nice evenings you have with good company. Not everyone is going to turn out to be Mr Right!

Bendy we had a lot in common, conversation flowed well. He was easy to talk to. Most dates I've had have been so boring because the men had no interests outside work. My date had quite a few hobbies and he was interesting to listen to.

But I've have one friend messaging me all day asking about the date. She keeps dismissing my misgivings about certain things. Because she set me up with him, she can't see any faults.

Another friend has been giving me a running commentary about how he's permanently on POF.

I could get past all of this because, like you say, it was a good evening out and I would be happy to repeat that. But when he finally got round to messaging me he said he'd had a good evening then followed up by saying it would've been better if it could've ended with some good sex.
Putting all that together and the string of rejections and bad dates I've had, has just been too much for me today. And I'm just questioning why it has to be so difficult to find someone nice.

we had a lot in common ✅
conversation flowed well ✅
he was easy to talk to ✅
my date had quite a few hobbies ✅
he was interesting to listen to ✅
he's permanently on POF Rule 3 doesn't only apply to people on this thread
it was a good evening out ✅
I would be happy to repeat that ✅
he said he'd had a good evening ✅
would've been better if it could've ended with some good sex You want someone who isn't interested in you in that way?

I understand your feelings about the sex talk but context is everything and it's up to you how you handle it. Based on what you've said, maybe you could reply by saying how you enjoyed the date and are also looking forward to such an outcome... when you feel the time is right. If you don't hear back, you'll know sex is all he wanted, but you may just be surprised...

would've been better if it could've ended with some good sex You want someone who isn't interested in you in that way?

Yes of course I want someone who is interested in me that way. But I wouldn't contact someone after a date and just say that. He'd made previous attempts start sex talk while we were texting but I just ignored them.
His messages were in response to me thanking him for a lovely evening. I don't feel I can reply after his response.
I contacted him initially (after much prodding from my friend suggesting that he looked nice). I asked for the date and suggested time and place. It was a nice evening but there are too many things that are making me uneasy.

I'm sorry but I absolutely hate it when men try to initiate a sex conversation if they know it makes me uncomfortable. Even if they don't know common decency would say don't do it. @Runs I know exactly what you mean. That would do my head in too.

I guess Rule 5 is relevant here then runs.

Not that I am one to mention the rules

You must do what feels right for you. I hope the next date you have is more successful.

Hi, I separated from stbxh about a year ago and am dipping my toe into the dating waters again. I've downloaded Bumble (it seemed less threatening than Tinder), do I need to pay to get the most out of it? And i swiped right on a man and then panicked and closed down the app without messaging him 🤦🏻‍♀️ This is hard, I haven't dated since 2004...

I've taken myself off all the sites for now. I don't think dating is right for me. I might come back to it at some point but I can't deal it right now.

take care of yourself runs . Perhaps a break is a good idea. Get back to it when you feel ready.

@Runs that's exactly how I felt. Unfortunately I don't have the destruction of kids so threw myself into work and taking up new hobbies (taxidermied crow anyone?!) and then became the cliché of 'its when you stop looking...'