Dating thread 140 - Why????

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Quite aghast at your experiences @UnapologeticallyUnhinged! I’ve have 9 dates since Jan and none went further to a second date. One very nearly did and I googled him to find out he was 54 and not 48. He was utterly gorgeous though and I couldn’t have guessed his age to be that but I declined to meet as lying is never a great way to start things.

I haven’t had any horrors as I am very careful to vet who I meet (not that you were not). They’ve all been normal and nice guys (except the narcissist who spent most of the time talking about his sexual exploits. Hideous). I don’t anticipate I’ll meet someone for a LTR online - the odds of success just seem so low judging from the experiences I read on these threads.

I’ll wait for Mr America to respond. Even though he didn’t say too much on messaging, I think there’s enough there for an intereating chat in real life.

@wishy last week I wished I did have an ice fanny after the first waxing in over 3 years (one of the disadvantages of no longer being a bitter spinster)

Love icefanny, I have been called a cock tease by I got I kissed at the end of a date but then I decided I didn't want a 2nd date (apparently that's cock teasing). I think I have dated 50+ men over 3 years, most of them were weird, still hung up on a ex or were lying about their identity. I think it's really hard to find anyone who is genuine.

My horror was someone saying hi, going to the loo then leaving. Sent me a text saying he didn't think there was anything there, within 5min of meeting me. Thanks a bunch! All I ever think is I've treated every one of my dates with respect and would never have the gall to be as rude as some of the experiences people have had on here! I don't know how people look at themselves sometimes!!!😁

Haha wow I think I've been quite lucky by comparison. I did have a date with a guy once who within 20 minutes of meeting me announced he'd just served a 12 month prison sentence for domestic violence 🤔😂

wishy I went on a date with someone who told me he had just come out of prison after a 8 year sentence. He was upset that i didnt want to see him forms 2nd date.

Had one that knocked ten years off his real age.

One that suffered from anxiety and had a total panic attack as he got lost on the way to meet me and was late (took me an hour to calm him down).

One that turned out to be married and had a pregnant wife at home.

We could totally make our own sitcom with these stories 😂

I have considered writing a book.

Why do we put ourselves though it? Is it really worth it? I guess there’s always a little bit of hope that we will stumble across ‘the one’.

@Lovemusic33 I think for me, having come out of an abusive relationship, it's more the interaction with people, men which makes me look online. In reality, I can't imagine anyone would want to date someone with two small children and limited time but I still put myself out there just to go on dates, flirt, dress up etc. However sometimes I do feel like I'm swiping constantly and what really is the point!

@Eesha you may be pleasantly surprised! It really is a numbers game and you just have to sift through the morons to get to the good ones!
I have 2 young children and met Mr 24 on badoo which, in all honesty, is full of absolute weirdos!
He's 10 years younger than me but we've been going 2 months now (yes I know very early days still!) he's declared he wants to be exclusive with me though and is happy to work round my schedule.
I went into OLD purely with the intention of going on a few dates, getting to know some different people etc but it hasn't quite worked out that way for me!
I think if you just take it for what it is, interacting with other humans with no expectations it can actually be quite a fun experience! Sometimes 👀

Eesha my kids are older (12 and 14) but they both have ASD, youngest being quite severe, usually people run a mile once they meet them , often it doesn’t get that far. I don’t blame people for Minot wanting to be a part of my crazy life in the ASD world which is one of the reasons I think I will always be single. I do enjoy going on dates and meeting new people, being a parent can be very lonely and sometimes it’s just nice to go and talk to a random stranger over dinner or coffee.

@eesha totally agree - the experience of interaction with men is very important even if it doesn’t go anywhere. You learn al lot about yourself and your boundaries. I was with my ex for 20 years and so I’m quite enjoying meeting guys. I like the mix of anxiety and excitement just before the date as you never know what you will meet.

I want to meet Mr America more for the challenge of it rather than it going anywhere. He hasn’t unmatched me yet...

Thanks everyone for your kind and helpful comments. Having made the decision to stop doing OLD, I feel a lot calmer and more in control. I know Tuesday's date didn't do anything wrong but he was the final straw that pushed me over the edge.

Daffo - girls night out sounds like a great idea!

Love - we've been on this thread together for a long time and you have had some bad experiences. I really hope you find someone who appreciates you properly.

Unapologetically - your dates sound awful! Thankfully mine have just been boring and/or missing teeth. The worst was the one who told me I did too much at my age.

Eesha - I'm a regular at two meetups, active in a couple of sports and have a few other things that I dip in and out of. I've got plenty to keep me busy but I would just like to have someone special to share my life with.

wishy - I get what you're saying about it being a numbers game. When I first started OLD I would chat to almost anyone and date anyone who asked because it was fun to go out and meet different people. I've worked out I've had around 15 first dates in 2 years.
But it stops being fun when you constantly get no matches on tinder and no one replies to your messages on POF. Then you can't enjoy the fun chatting to someone new or meeting a stranger for a coffee. That's what it's been like for me for most of this year. And it gradually chips away at your self confidence knowing that men are looking at your profile and thinking 'no thanks'.

I hope you all have lots of dating success. I'm leaving the thread now but might pop back occasionally to hopefully hear more good stories.

@RunsforCake14

It sounds like you've taken control and it's already helped you to feel calmer so that's a positive.
There are so many other ways to meet people. Go out there, enjoy your life and you never know who you're going to bump into along the way!
Being judged by a bunch of strangers on the internet (which really is what OLD is!) is certainly not the only way to interact with people.
I wish you all the best!

@Eesha I was also in a long term abusive relationship. It was so hard to get back to a place where I felt able to talk to a man so you're already doing really well!

I don't have kids but have held that against me by potential dates too. Quite a few have implied I must be some sort of child hater and as their 'kids are their world' they don't see me as a good prospect. Like wtf dude?! I don't live in a gingerbread house and wear a pointy hat! Others have come out and asked what is biologically wrong with me/told me I'm too old to consider (when I'm the same age as them)/just think it's 'unnatural'. I've been on literally hundreds of dates (I was a prolific dater) across three major British cities.

I thought I was at the point where nothing could surprise me any more. And then I met a seemingly good one.

Thanks peeps, I do enjoy getting out there and dressing up and meeting people. I do hide a lot as admittedly sometimes tough when my ex is drunk and shouting and swearing at me for minor things and in those cases, I wish I had someone longer term to cuddle up to when I put down the phone. However you have to put on a brave face in those times as people seem to expect you to be all happy and chirpy. No win really!

wishy, you sound like you will be happier if you take a little break, but don't forget us!

I mean Runs!

Ice fanny 😂

@wishywashy6 We could totally make our own sitcom with these stories 😂

I always say I have a funny book in me of disastrous first dates. My worst was the guy who came out on our second date, but that wasn't even the worst bit of it - can't decide if that was the "conversation" (reading every line of the menu to me then doing the same from every poster - we had arranged to not eat); the being so tight at a bowling alley that he made us check if the burger outlet diet coke or the bar was cheaper; the Facebook update he wrote (so and so has had a long and lovely drive home wondering what he did wrong) or the fact that he emailed asking for feedback 😂

@eesha can things progress from sex chat - yes, but I wouldn't advise it before you meet. Mr Penpal and I "went all the way" sexting before we met then I immediately regretted it. When we finally met, he was keen but I didn't fancy him at all in person, then he carried on trying for round two on the text and I'm just cringeing writing this! No. Don't make my mistake 😂

I’m new to the thread. I new to OLD. I’m also totally confused by it. I’m using bumble. Matching is going fine but I can’t make the transition from chatting to a date....I’m good at messaging but it just gets boring - I want to physically meet people. They never seem to ask to meet up and if I ask it seems to put them off. I’ve had the ones where they just want sex and ask after one message but that’s not what I want. I have had two dates arranged and then they cancelled the day before.

Is this all typical? Am I expecting too much?! Is there a rule of thumb for how long you have to endure the small talk before meeting up???

(Long post-sorry!)
My absolute worst is about 2/3 years ago I saw a guy on Tinder that I had dealt with through work so already knew him and knew that we had lots in common so when we matched and he asked me out I jumped at the chance.

We went for a meal at a 'street food' type place on a Saturday night that was super busy so we were basically being rushed to eat and leave by the staff. Also the only alcoholic drinks they had were bottles of lager (which I don't normally drink but he ordered) so not a great combination for my delicate constitution. After we had inhaled our food/lagers he suggested we go across the road for cocktails.

As we were walking we were chatting away and I didn't notice the kerb and proceeded to trip down into the gutter. I managed to not fall and balance myself, but not before I had emitted the loudest 'shock' fart you have ever heard.

I was horrified but over compensated by talking even louder and faster til we had got to the other side of the road to the cocktail bar. I said 'is this the place?' And he just looked at me, stony faced and said ' I think we should call it a night'. I asked why and he replied 'I need to be with a lady' then gave me the filthiest look and walked away! I must admit I laughed a lot and went home.

@Satsumaessence it is a learning curve.

You will experience all different scenarios to be fair. There is no 'typical' or standard amount of time. It depends on the both of you. Some men are very direct and will ask you immediately. Some just want a pen pal. You just need to keep going and remember the rules at the top of the thread!

Good luck!

@UnapologeticallyUnhinged 😂😂😂😂😂😂
That's the most amazing story I think I've ever heard

@Satsumaessence

I second what unhinged said. Some ask you out then won't commit, some arrange a date then vanish, some genuinely enjoy to chat for a while first and gradually a date gets thrown in there where as others want to meet straight away!
I got bored of the generic "what job do you do"/"what's your favourite film" kind of chats but I did actually find investing some time into chatting properly with people meant I could figure out who was worth continuing with. Those people I clicked with I'd end up going off on complete tangents with and the chat never got boring so it didn't seem like such a slog to get a date!
The guy I'm with now messaged daily for a good 3 weeks or so before he plucked up the courage to suggest meeting (his words!) but it never got boring because the chats ended up about all sorts of weird and wonderful topics.
Anyone who just sent "hi how r u?" on the daily swiftly got ignored!

Yup agreed too. But on that notion, the man I am now dating's first message to me said 'I don't do texting so let's just meet up'. He has severe dyslexia so struggles with typing but is utterly charming and funny irl so that worked for me far more than endless text chat!