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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 140 - Why????

999 replies

RunsforCake14 · 02/10/2018 09:30

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
HalfDutchGirl · 03/10/2018 09:23

Just catching up on stuff as me and Mr T are still bubbling along so I'm not OLD.

Vet I'm so thrilled for you, good luck in Canada!

Since stepping back from all the OLD malarky for a couple of months it's made me realise that in general we all over analyse and over think. Here are my Wednesday morning thoughts ...

So a guy doesn't message immediately after a date or send a 'morning' text? And? People are busy and have lives, men especially I've realised aren't generally as surgically attached to their phones as women. So, he was on Whatsapp and didn't reply to your message within 5 minutes, again, he's got a life and doing other stuff.

Why can't you text or ring him if you don't know what's going on, what is the point in playing games? What do you ultimately achieve? Nothing, just time. You want to know something, ask him? Worst that can happen is that he either ignores you or tells you something you don't want to know - but at least then you know.

Life is short, go out there and grab it with both hands don't let some guy you've never met take over, you take control.

UnapologeticallyUnhinged · 03/10/2018 09:44

@HalfDutchGirl I agree. However the reason I gave up dating was THREE TIMES in a row I had a first date where I thought it went well, They said let's do this again, and then...nothing. (One of those men I had been texting with for a good 2/3 months and drove 100+ miles to meet me!) I sent the perfunctory 'well last night was fun...where shall we go next time?!' And nothing. And it just makes you question everything you did/wore/said that you mentally go round in circles and start losing your sense of self.

DaffoDeffo · 03/10/2018 10:14

I am getting v tired of OLD :) but this is a normal problem

I have uploaded Happn now as I quite like the idea of that. Will see what occurs.

Bloke1 got hold of me and I might see him Sunday (but he is a fwb). Seeing MrLBG Saturday but he is also a fwb. Seeing friends Friday. No actual dates.

Mr Music wanted to see me tonight but I think I'm going to politely decline. He is an absolute mare and he makes me feel shit and I just think the sooner I get him out of my life the better. I really like him but he gives such dreadful mixed messages - says he wants me every day then doesn't communicate times to meet. Arranges dates then pulls out. Someone else pointed out to me that he is an emotional manipulator and I think that's true. So I'm going to hold my head high and walk away. The sex is great, the chemistry is unbelievable but I just think he is in no place for anything with me right now. I'm sad about it but I know it's the right decision

Ittakestwo · 03/10/2018 10:27

Being new to this can I ask a few questions?
How many guys do you date at the same time roughly?
Do you let them know your dating others?
I’ve got quite a few matches currently having conversations with three I haven’t got time for anymore I’ve stopped swiping at this point.
I have never dated in my life Confused

UnapologeticallyUnhinged · 03/10/2018 10:28

@DaffoDeffo good luck! It will literally tell you everyone you pass who is also on there regardless of age, which was good for me as the man I met is under my usual age range (7 years younger!) but is perfect so it worked for me! But as I said I live rurally. If I was still in a city it might drive me nuts!

Lovemusic33 · 03/10/2018 12:07

Itta, I try and date at least 2 at once as it helps when one vanishes (something to fall back on), I often chat to 5 at the same time but find it hard to date too many. I don’t tell them I’m dating other people, until I have the exclusive chat with someone then I assume they are dating others too.

PookieDo · 03/10/2018 12:08

I think I’ve been doing this all wrong

Not sure whether to go back on bumble seen as I haven’t yet told him he’s dumped!

Ittakestwo · 03/10/2018 12:18

Thanks ilovemusic,

BendyLikeBeckham · 03/10/2018 12:21

Hello everyone. I've not been on the thread for a while. Been busy dating and having an amazing summer. OLD has worked brilliantly for me, and I have managed to avoid most of the horrors I hear about here. I met some really lovely guys, and made some good friends too. Despite being adamant that I only wanted FWBs and definitely no emotional entanglements.... I've met someone very special and we have both decided to stop seeing everyone else. Thankfully, I don't need to move to Canada to make it happen!

Wonderful news, vet ! I'm so happy for you. You are right that when you know, you know.

ittakestwo I was always open and honest with people I am seeing, from the start saying that I was seeing others.

daffo what are you actually looking for? I get quite confused reading your posts!

wishywashy6 · 03/10/2018 13:10

Haven't been on the thread for ages but just wanted to say a massive wow @VetOnCall !!
Sounds amazing and I wish you every luck in the world! Smile

I've come off all dating sites now. I met a guy on badoo (yes I know, of all places!) and things are going nicely so that's where we're at.
Made some fabulous friends through this crazy experience too (you know who you are!)

Kin2 · 03/10/2018 13:15

Amazing news Vet; you've made a brave and gutsy move and, though I never thought I'd say this, sometimes you do indeed have to go with what feels right and seize the moment without overthinking it too much.

I too have been quiet lately as I've met someone who has prompted me to take a deep look inside and re-evaluate... everything.

In June I was certain I did not want anyone becoming emotionally close to me. I was even more certain that I did not want to develop any feelings for someone myself.

But it happened, and I am extremely glad that it did!

Both she and I were seeing other people in the beginning. For my part that was specifically because I did not want to invest in anyone, to any degree whatsoever, but then things changed (on date 2 for sure, maybe sooner if I'm completely honest with myself) and I found myself inexplicably considering how I felt about that, and her.

Now, just a few months later, she and I are in an altogether different place to that which we started in, or ever envisaged ourselves being in. And it feels good. Really good.

And I think the point I'm trying to make here is that, to some degree, I've gone from trying to logically figure out what I want and don't want to being able to look into her eyes and know, to be with her and feel, and that is a much, much better place to be in than where I was before, overthinking myself into a mindset that simply didn't represent what I truly wanted.

Maybe there is a lesson in there for some of you? If not, I hope you all find what you really want and learn to trust your instincts as much as that voice inside your head that sometimes gives a conflicting, and perhaps detrimental, point of view.

PookieDo · 03/10/2018 13:47

I’m not really putting in enough effort. So I am cheating myself out of any good opportunities. This is somewhat pure laziness. I am not big headed when I think that I don’t have a problem attracting men but then I really find it challenging to muster up the effort to date/chat/meet it’s really mentally exhausting. So I probably connect with one and think ‘right ok hard work over let’s get stuck in’ until I realise that probably there are many more fish in the sea but I was snoozing on my lilo above them and didn’t bother to look 🤨

Lovemusic33 · 03/10/2018 13:55

But if you date or chat to more than one person, make sure they don’t know each other 😐😐 I think I have just slipped up. Meant to be seeing Mr VW at the festival on Friday also been chatting to another VW person and just found out he’s going to the same festival and is camping with Mr VW, he’s invited me to have a drink with them (the club they are in), this could be awkward.

My Kayak has just been over too see me and keeps dropping hints about coming with me at the weekend. I could really do with an identical twin right now.

Eesha · 03/10/2018 14:04

@Ittakestwo i second dating at least two people as I always get emotionally invested if there is just the one on the go.

MaggieMuggins · 03/10/2018 14:18

Well isn't the dating thread turning into a hotbed of lurve?! Wonderful news and a lesson for all of us that you need to keep your heart and mind open, otherwise how will love find its way in? Grin

pudding21 · 03/10/2018 14:22

love you are single and haven't committed to anyone. Go and brazen it out :) Have you been upfornt about seeing other people, if so, you have nothing to worry about.

Kine and Bendy great news for you both.

vet Your story at the moment is my favourite OLD one, I hope I can still say that in 20 years time once theyve written a film about you

BendyLikeBeckham · 03/10/2018 14:42

Kine and Bendygreat news for you both.

Thanks very much, pudding21. We are both very happy! Smile

Kin2 · 03/10/2018 14:47

Kine and Bendy great news for you both.

Thanks pudding #RuleXbreakers

Mumfun · 03/10/2018 14:50

Just delurking to say yes HalfDutchGirl totally agree with you. I almost missed out on someone great as he was super busy and stressed by some family issues so didn't reply when I expected. And I asked dating friends and they said no let him go. But he had kind of got under my skin so I messaged him again. And we have been seeing each other for 2 months and things are going well.

Glad to see some other OLD folk doing well. Pleased for you Kin and Vet and Wishy and Bendy and HalfDutch. And I agree . You do know when someone is special and they just affect you in ways the others don't :)

IndieTara · 03/10/2018 14:53

Agree with one of the PP's re Bumble. It's getting as bad as POF

pudding21 · 03/10/2018 15:05

Ooooft, I wasn't referring to you both together, just you both had similar news ;) But great news all round.

Lovemusic33 · 03/10/2018 15:16

Pudding I haven’t really been upfront but then none of them have asked if I’m seeing anyone else 🤔. Mr VW has gone very quite on me, I think he has spotted the other guy talking to me on a FWB page we are both on, he can’t really say anything as we have only been out once (for coffee) but he’s the sensitive type.

DaffoDeffo · 03/10/2018 15:38

bendy I want (eventually) a relationship. But also recognise that doesn't happen straight away.

Bloke1 after date 1 said he didn't want one with me. MrLBG, after being v intense for a week, said he wasn't ready for one too. But both happy to do fwb in the meantime and both aware I'm still dating and looking for someone else. So it sort of scratches an itch while I look for something more long term. It's not ideal, and I'd swap it in an instant for someone who actually wants to see me (!) but at the moment I'm not finding that person.

Mr Music has no idea what he wants. He says he has very strong feelings for me but I am not sure I trust entirely what he's saying. And I'm concerned about getting involved with someone who doesn't know what they want!

Mr Coast I've had to bin due to the sex issue.... so that leaves me back at square 1 really.

I am seeing someone on Tuesday next week potentially who seems lovely (lets call him Mr Corporate). There's also another guy who seems lovely but has just told me if we ever develop into a relationship, he believes in ethical non monogamy and I'm pretty sure I'm not on that page. Sigh!

BendyLikeBeckham · 03/10/2018 15:54

daffo how do you define 'relationship'?

If you are having regular company and sex with a FWB or more then isn't that a type of relationship, even could be called ethical non-monogamy?

Caveat: I'm always a bit ambivalent towards labels, as they can help me understand context but also can be limiting and often don't fit.

But my point is, what matters when you define/discover what you are looking for, is that the only label or definition that counts is the one you make.

My initial question wasn't about a label though, it was more about the sort of person and objectives you were seeking, since none of the guys you have met so far seem to meet those. So I was wondering about your criteria, I guess.

fwiw I had very limited actual criteria, and ruled men out early based on instincts. My criteria were more like a set of guiding principles really, than hard and fast rules, and I broke those too. I ended up finding and meeting lots of people I liked, including the most amazing man for whom I've binned all the others, which was a very easy decision once I'd worked out that I really wanted what I thought I hadn't wanted at all!

I may not be making sense any more!

letloveleadplease · 03/10/2018 15:55

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