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Original poster

Shall I assume my date is off tonight

182 replies

ijustcantdate · 29/09/2018 15:02

Been seeing s guy a few weeks, been in contact about 7 weeks but seen him 3 times in last 10 days, pretty much in constant contact been bit more quite this week as he's been on a course.

Anyway arranged to go out tonight and he asked me to book he was messaging as usual last night until 11ish I then went to sleep and woke this morning to 3 messages from him just saying night and hoping I had nice evening etc.

Anyway messaged him this morning telling him I had booked table for 7.30 he read it at 11.30 and to date hasn't responded, unusual as I always get a good morning message etc and he's been online a few tones since then so really do reason to not confirm. so now idea if he's picking me up etc or what time, reluctant to get ready and starting to get the hump... I really don't want to message again as hate the thought of chasing him.

WTF do I do? Give him till 4 and if not heard just assume it's off?

OP posts:

PunkrockerGirl59 · 29/09/2018 20:35

Anyone who lacks the manners to respond to a simple text regarding meet up arrangements is dick.
Op you should switch your phone off, go out with friends, have an early night, whatever you fancy.
Let this arsehole know by your actions that you don't tolerate being treated like this and I can't believe that there's women on here making excuses and defending this clown's behaviour
It takes a few seconds to send a text, OP. I'd respond with:
"Sorry you felt that you were too busy to answer my text regarding meeting up tonight. As I didn't hear from you I've made alternative arrangements for tonight".
go away you twat and learn some manners

Weightsandmeasures · 29/09/2018 20:38

There are many reasons why he may not have responded to the text. Several posters gave highlighted very common and plausible reasons.

Why would calling him to put the matter to rest result in humiliation? Two things could happen: she could find out that there was a good reason for the no-response or she could find out that he is no longer interested. Why should the OP feel humiliated by her taking a very adult approach to drawing a line under this? She would have done nothing wrong to feel humiliated about.

Letting the fear of rejection take hold, causing you to worry and agonise about stuff is more humiliating than grabbing fear by its horn and stopping it from consuming your every waking thought.

adaline · 29/09/2018 20:40

Anyone who lacks the manners to respond to a simple text regarding meet up arrangements is dick.

What, so someone forgets to respond to a text, and that makes them a dick? Someone is busy, and that makes them a dick? Someone potentially replies and the message doesn't send/get received, and that makes them a dick?

Really?!

C0untDucku1a · 29/09/2018 20:42

Are you on the date op?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/09/2018 20:42

Anyone who lacks the manners to respond to a simple text regarding meet up arrangements is dick

How quickly though?

If everyone must respond immediately, or be 'a dick' then me, my friends, family and pretty much everyone I know is a dick. And we're not. But there we go.

Let this arsehole know by your actions that you don't tolerate being treated like this and I can't believe that there's women on here making excuses and defending this clown's behaviour

What did he do to deserve this amount of venom? Didn't immediately reply to a text that didn't need a reply?

PerverseConverse · 29/09/2018 20:59

SheGotBetteDavisEyes I remember you from a similar post of mine. You said similar things and couldn't understand my reasons for being wary. Mine was a first date but similar change in communication, gut feeling, kept dangling but whatever app shows them as active online. My gut was right and the guy was such a dick on our date that I didn't even wait to get home before I'd told him there'd be no second date and blocked him on everything. I also reported him to the dating site for some of his behaviour which I won't go into and his total misrepresentation of himself in his profile. I was called hard work for expecting decent manners and common courtesy. After the date when I reported back that my gut had been right I was called a liar. It was a really nasty thread apart from a few posters that said the same as others on here about it not taking long to reply to a text to confirm plans. These are guys that are trying to win us over ffs. If they can't be arsed at the beginning it's a pretty good indication that they are not going to be arsed later on. It's lazy, disrespectful behaviour that lets you know just how little they think of you. It was mumsnet who taught me to raise my bar much higher and never tolerate this kind of treatment again.

OP I hope you've told him to go jump but if you're out on your date then I hope it's a good one.

burnoutbabe · 29/09/2018 21:03

it would be a very strange person who didn't check their texts on the day of a date to check what the plan was for meeting - no plan was made as to whether meet at restaurant or him pick her up on the way. It would be very odd for him to not clarify this and just turn up at restaurant at 7.30 without any previous contact (ie meet at her house, meet at pub at 7, running late meet direct at restaurant)
So him not responding, when he should be expecting some contact back and forth, is a dick move.

PlinkPlink · 29/09/2018 21:12

Eesh...bit of a weird one is say...

How did it go OP? Did it go okay? Did you go on your date?

Like you say bit weird if he's messaged you every morning for the past 7 weeks and then suddenly nothing today... but he's been on messenger just ignoring you... that'd be a bit suspect for me...

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/09/2018 21:12

PerverseConverse. Really? I don't recall it, sorry. I'm sorry you had a bad experience. However, there's no way that I would have been one of the posters calling you a liar or 'hard work.' I just don't post like that.

In any event, my advice would be the same again. I would hate to be judged on not responding immediately to one text, and I wouldn't judge someone on it.

PerverseConverse · 29/09/2018 21:32

SheGotBetteDavisEyes I wasn't meaning that you called me a liar or hard work but that was the tone of my thread. I get what you're saying but I think it's more the gut feelings and the change in communication that frames the whole lack of response.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/09/2018 22:10

PerverseConverse Yes...I would never discourage someone from listening to their instincts - we have them for a reason. I'm just responding to the OP's main question of whether not replying to a text is a red flag.

I've said upthread that we view these things through our own filters of life experience and yes, he could turn out to be a twat, but I've basically just addressed the narrow issue of text etiquette in my replies, and whether it really paints a whole picture, a corner of one or nothing at all.

I'm basically someone who hardly ever replies to messages immediately, but I try hard to be a good person, so I guess I know that not everyone who doesn't reply straight away isn't bad news.

fuddle · 29/09/2018 22:18

Look at it like this if you'd arranged to go out with a friend and you text them you'd expect a reply just so you know (you have the ticks of course) but also so that they can confirm. A date should too. It is good manners. It would annoy me and I'd mention it light heartedly on the date

PunkrockerGirl59 · 29/09/2018 22:34

Too tired to respond to a text.
Forgot to respond to a text.
Too busy being a twat.

Gemini69 · 29/09/2018 22:40

go with your instincts OP... if it feels off.. it's off

blueshoes · 29/09/2018 23:15

Come back and tell us how the date went.

Your gut may be telling you something but it is worth giving him the benefit of the doubt this time.

LydiaLunch7 · 30/09/2018 00:07

Yes, that would be strange, wouldn't it. Luckily the guy did check his phone on the day of the date, and after work he replied arranging to pick her up. That would (and should) amount to the most mundane thread ever, except OP and half the people replying are so obsessed with constant and instant responses that they somehow manage to create drama out of nothing.

Regardless of how busy he is, it takes seconds to reply "see you at 7.30" or whatever. It's basic manners and you shouldn't have to chase for it

Sure, he could quickly write a short message, but why not wait until he can write a proper reply? Not everyone assumes that the other person is gonna go nuts if you don't reply for a few hours.

surlycurly · 30/09/2018 06:06

I hate how modern technology lets you know what someone is doing in terms of being online, but makes you look like a psycho if you mention anything! Let us know how it all went OP.

AtlasQueen · 30/09/2018 06:28

I’ve struggled with this before too - it’s not the behaviour per se but the change that is alarming. I had someone in touch 5-6 times a day in between seeing then then suddenly nothing, just short responses to my messages about how busy or stressed they are. It was awful as felt like a dick for caring as much as I did and thought I was being unreasonable. When I eventually found out he’d started seeing another girl it was almost a relief to make it hadn’t been in my mind.

adaline · 30/09/2018 07:05

Too tired to respond to a text.
Forgot to respond to a text.
Too busy being a twat

But he did respond. After work. Why on earth does that make him a twat?

NotTheFordType · 30/09/2018 07:10

Jesus X Motherfucking Christ on a motorcycle sidecar.

loveisland · 30/09/2018 07:17

Hope you enjoyed your date but so hope you didn't have sex with him if you got a gut feeling something wasn't right. Make him work for it a bit longer and be a bit more permanent than messenger!!

OliviaStabler · 30/09/2018 07:33

@ijustcantdate

How did the date go?

Redtartanshoes · 30/09/2018 07:43

If a guy text me and said “Is your messenger broken” if I don’t respond to a text It would be a massive red flag to me. Total controlling behaviour and sarcastic with it.

I have a life, a job, friends, family and won’t have someone I’ve known 7 weeks have a sly dig if I don’t respond to a text that actually didn’t need a response in their time frame. No thanks

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 30/09/2018 08:04

How was it op?

I agee with the poster who said anyone who doesn’t have the decency to reply to a text confirming arrangements is a dick. It’s rude and inconsiderate. It takes a second to send a message with a thumbs up or a few more to say “great see you then”.

Datingwoes · 30/09/2018 08:21

Sorry to say but the change of behaviour is almost always a giveaway that he has met someone else in my experience- he may still try to date you and strong you along if you haven’t done the deed though so avoid that if you haven’t and see

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