Is this a dealbreaker? Boyfriend met my mum and it was a disaster

[DownAndOut1]

Could do with some perspective here please. Been with my boyfriend three months, we are both early thirties. He introduced me to his family quite early on and when I met them I brought flowers for his Mum and was polite etc.

He’s been really keen to meet my parents and so I arranged for him to meet my mum yesterday. He’s been saying he’s really excited etc and to be honest, out of both of us he’s been the one who’s been pushing our relationship along and wanting to meet each other’s family and friends.

He came round to mine yesterday evening straight from work, my mum was here waiting to meet him. He has a manual job and turned up in his work clothes, filthy, covered in dust and hadn’t shaved. He looked a mess. He hadn’t brought anything for my Mum and was quite cocky the whole evening. This is a man who takes a lot of pride in his appearance usually so I have no idea what he was playing at.

I asked him about it this morning and he said he was keen to come round and meet her and spend as much time with us as possible, instead of going home first and making himself presentable. He keeps saying how much he likes my mum and he’s so pleased he’s met her.

I’m seriously considering ending things as I think he was so disrespectful. Is that petty? I just feel sad that he didn’t think he needed to make any effort.

*didn't wear

Honestly I stopped reading after I read you had a feeling in your gut something's wrong here.

You don't need a reason at this stage. Finish it.

"After he had a shower instead of going into the bedroom to change in private he started strolling round my house with just a towel round him for ages. "

OMG, seriously? I would end it too. Right decision OP!!

I got as far as him wearing a tracksuit out to dinner
That would be a deal breaker for me
(Sorry op)

Oh @SandyY2K he did wear it to the restaurant, sorry! I saw the mention of a nice shirt and trousers and thought that was in reference to last night.

Anniegetyourgun
Yes, this: washing off work dust and sweat before meeting someone - anyone! - constitutes "special effort"
Yet there's another thread on here discussing leg shaving where several posters state that shaving doesn't require any special effort and all women should do it as a matter of routine.
And here we are again. The man, poor darling, can't be expected to even bother to wash.

The fact he's pushing for parents to meet so soon after you losing your dad is deeply cruel. What a shit.

He's seeing 'meet the parents' as a way of saying 'we're together' and you're only 3 months in!

No way! I was with my boyfriend for 10 years and my mum met his dad once in a car park!!

did you ditch him OP

When you dump him OP don’t let him worm his way back in to your life. There’s a current thread where the OP is moving to Wales to get rid of a cocklodger...

He’s a thirty odd year old man and she still makes him packed lunch, does his washing, cleans his room etc.

Nnnnoooooooooo!!!!!

Also op I've been with my DH six years now and we have a kid together and the parents still haven't met.

I know you aren't going to want to hear this OP, but given what you said about the way he's been with previous girlfriends' mums, it sounds like he's pushing the sabotage button on your relationship. 😕
In a kind of crass, 'How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days' way, by being just deliberately objectionable.

@rageymcrageface

Oh @SandyY2K he did wear it to the restaurant, sorry!

No worries. Poor effort from him. Most people get slack as time goes by...if this is how he is now...that doesn't bode well for the future.

@aidelmaidel

Also op I've been with my DH six years now and we have a kid together and the parents still haven't met.

That's not normal. There must be reasons for this.

Really really don't ignore the warning signs here OP. Another one saying that was gold star territorial pissing!

clean clothes dont make a better person, if he has come straight after work whats the problem?

He is sending your Mum a message here, I have ownership of your daughter, we are having sex, I have practically moved in and I have clothes that I keep here. She is mine, whether you like it or not’ .

It was a power play OP. He's marking his territory (you) by putting your mother firmly in (what he perceives to be) her place. He was basically saying he's more important than she is and he'll do what he likes and act as he pleases around you because she doesn't matter.

Absolutely. He may have well pissed all over you to make his point.
Get out while you can to protect both you AND your mum from his power games.

Also, OP - in case this hasn't been mentioned - and I'm saying this as gently as I can. You lost your dad very recently. You met a man very soon afterwards. Maybe you need some space to grieve (no matter what the relationship with your dad was like, because I don't want to assume anything). Sometimes dating can feel like it will fill a breach - and sometimes when we do that, we don't make the best choices in who fills it.

I agree, this is all about pissing on what you value (your mum's opinion) and strutting around like he owned the place. Walking in, showering and then walking round in a towel forces an intimacy and familiarity completely inappropriate for meeting your DP's mother! Completely inappropriate. And wearing a tracksuit out to dinner, when he'd normally wear nice clothes is another 'up yours' I'm too important to make an effort.

Yes, it would be the end for me. So disrespectful at this stage, which doesn't bode well for the future.

Oh and as for your father (so sorry, my heart goes out to you and it's a raw and hard time), to push your mum into meeting his parents when she's said no is unconscionable. What an insensitive twerp.

I've been with DH 20 years SandyY2K and our parents still haven't met! There just isn't any reason for them to. Anyway, I would dump this one OP. Very odd behaviour.

He then spent the rest of the evening talking about himself

What an absolute twat he is! God yes, dump dumpitty dump.

I agree, definitely not a keeper.
Proclaiming a behavior pattern with previous girlfriends, and then not doing that with you is a mind game. Yes, disrespectful, but it is also to smash your expectations and you are to just suck it up buttercup. And this is where if you say anything about it, he gets to call you controlling.

Prancing around in a towel in front of your mum? That was flirting with your mum right in front of you: angling for a Mrs. Robinson scenario? I would have laughed out loud, if I were your mum. But then he probably walks around in a towel in front of his mum-in which case he just has a lizard brain, imbecile.

He is presuming an awful lot.
Well done on seeing through it and making the executive decision in your best interest.

Sorry about your dad.

His lack of manners is pretty shocking, but the red flags for me are 1) pushing so hard to meet your mum (why??!) and 2) the fact that his mother makes him a packed lunch and does his laundry.

You're doing the right thing in breaking things off - who do you think will end up doing his lunch and washing in the future?? His wife/girlfriend (but yay, that won't be you!)

Cocky? A misguided attempt to 'impress' her and is clueless about what actually does impress her maybe, is he very young?

The work clothes? I can't get over excited about that but get why it might be offensive to some.

Flowers/ chocolates etc I wouldn't expect any but that's just me

It's a 3 month relationship, don't start picking out your wedding dress yet!