He always lets me pay

[Lotsoflaughs]

My oh earns more than me. By about £800 more a month. His outgoings every month are always less than mine.

In the years I’ve been with him, he always seems happy for me to pay for dates. It got to the stage that I had to go into my overdraft to pay for dates, whilst knowing he had ample cash saved. I’ve ended up in tears in front of him and finally told him what was wrong. I was getting stressed out with debt of trying to maintain our relationship.

Since then the situation improved slightly. But has basically gone back to how it was again. I had another money discussion with him again and he’s advised me to stop offering to pay.

At the weekend, I bought him and I lunch costing £30. He suggested we cook our own dinner and the ingredients came to £40. On the way out of the store I felt guilty, so offered to pay him half - his response was “ok” and he gladly took the money.

We went for breakfast this morning and for the first time I let him pay without offering any money. I feel guilty and as if I’m a bad partner for not offering.

I’m basically annoyed that on the limited occasions when he does pay, if I offer to split the bill he always agrees. He never seems to treat me or say “no let me get this”

Advice please?

If I’m being silly or unreasonable please say.

Stop offering. It seems so obvious. You've more than paid your share. I don't understand why you keep offering

Stop feeling guilty!

He sounds mean and I can't bear stingyiness

You're paying for nearly everything by the sounds of it, which wouldn't be fair even if you earned the same.

How long have you been together?

Well he's a bit of a shit really isn't he, but he's right, stop offering, he's clearly going to keep taking advantage of you if you do. It's not like he's hiding that's what he's doing, he's told you straight.

You are a mug.

Even if he was oblivious to begin with, you explained it clearly and he still is intent on making you pay his share. Which means he is a dickhead who doesn't respect you.

You've been together years🤦🏽‍♀️

Do you live together

Around the 2 year mark.

I don’t know why I always offer but I do. I think I’d feel like a gold digger if I didn’t

Oh God I don't even know where to begin.

What was your childhood like, OP? Let's start at the very beginning of this sorry state of affairs.

Well I'm sorry but it's your fault. You chose to stay with Him and you chose to keep offering to pay, even though even he's told you to stop.

If you can't control yourself in this regard, then I'm really not sure how anyone can help you.

You are worried about being a gold digger. What the hell is he then if you are always paying? Come on. Stand up for yourself.

I just get the underlying impression that he expects me to contribute, otherwise surely he would turn down my offer?

He’s great in every other way. And our relationship is a very happy one. Just the money issue is a problem for me.

I sometimes feel resentment over it. That’s why I let him pay today, I was angry that I had to pay more over the weekend than what he did.

To be honest, I expected him to say that because I bought lunch he would buy dinner and refuse the offer of money - but he didn’t

Take turns in paying. Why are you offering to pay more??! He should insist on paying his share though, I wouldn't respect him for not doing that.

Do you know that just because you feel a certain way, doesn't mean you have to respond to it?

E.g., just because you feel guilty, doesn't mean you have to offer to pay?

Can you see how you're actually behaving compulsively here - doing something totally illogical in order to try to make a bad feeling go away? The real answer is to come to terms with the guilt you feel by refusing to give in to it. Change your habits.

Your oh may be someone who just takes others at their word. Splitting things half is fairly normal in relationships but it requires both parties to be assertive in saying no to something they can't afford AND not offering to do something they don't want to do.

Or he might be an arse.

Either way, he can't rescue you from your own beliefs and behaviours.

Ultimately, you need to get a handle on your own treatment of yourself! You feel guilty for no reason, but instead of ignoring the guilt and being sensible, you make stupid financial decisions, and then work yourself up into a huge emotional state. That isn't the way to behave.

Alternative or only offer when you really want to pay. It’s weird you feel the need to offer when you know he’s taking the absolute piss and has way more money than you do. As someone already said, if you worry about being a gold digger when he’s far wealthier than you, what sort of grabby moocher does it make him to keep taking your money when you have less?!

So what do I do? Just let him pay and offer nothing.

Then I’ll be essentially as bad as him

He suggested we cook our own dinner and the ingredients came to £40.

What was this dinner?

OP, you say "I paid last time, your turn today."

Dinner & he wanted to make cocktails
So we had to buy the booze for that

You will be as bad as him if you ALWAYS let him pay.

Let him do it 60% of the time , or however much reflects the difference in your disposable income. ‘

Do you live together ?

No we don’t live together, we haven’t reached that milestone yet

You are choosing to stay in this situation.
Can you really see you putting up with this for the rest of your lives? I very much doubt it.
Me? I would be telling him bye and finding someone who actually cared about me.

If you are having these money issues now, just think how bad it will get when a child enters the equation. You will be in even more debt. Fuck that. If he was a decent guy you shouldn't have had to mention it all.

So what do I do? Just let him pay and offer nothing

Op, is this your first relationship? What model were you brought up with?

Yes, let him pay, he owes you big time and he's taking advantage of you.

Stop offering, let him pay for awhile, then worst case you pay fifty fifty, and you only offer that,

I'm fairly sure though it will cause a problem, because he's taking you for a ride,

Then I’ll be essentially as bad as him

No... Just take turns and if your turn is too expensive for you, say no and suggest an alternative.

How would that make you "as bad as him"? And a related question - if you think he is "bad" then what on Earth are you doing in this relationship?

He sounds stingly but perhaps just take it in turns? I meet with my friend regularly and we just take it in turns. Most times we don't even say anything, it's just a pattern we've fallen into. When she pays I just say thank you. Because we take it in turns it all evens out even if some times one pays more than the other. Next time, let him pay and the time after that just say 'I've got this, you paid last time, it's my turn' or say 'I'll get this one, you can get the next' and he'll hopefully get that you are now taking it in turns and you can go from there.

You’ve been together two years yet you keep expecting his response to change? He’s clearly a stingy fucker and no doubt would take your last £5 if you offered it to him. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

I honestly don’t want to bring it up again. We’ve had two serious money conversations in the past number of months.

I’ll see how the next couple of weeks goes and I’m going to try my hardest not to offer to pay.