He always lets me pay

[Lotsoflaughs]

My oh earns more than me. By about £800 more a month. His outgoings every month are always less than mine.

In the years I’ve been with him, he always seems happy for me to pay for dates. It got to the stage that I had to go into my overdraft to pay for dates, whilst knowing he had ample cash saved. I’ve ended up in tears in front of him and finally told him what was wrong. I was getting stressed out with debt of trying to maintain our relationship.

Since then the situation improved slightly. But has basically gone back to how it was again. I had another money discussion with him again and he’s advised me to stop offering to pay.

At the weekend, I bought him and I lunch costing £30. He suggested we cook our own dinner and the ingredients came to £40. On the way out of the store I felt guilty, so offered to pay him half - his response was “ok” and he gladly took the money.

We went for breakfast this morning and for the first time I let him pay without offering any money. I feel guilty and as if I’m a bad partner for not offering.

I’m basically annoyed that on the limited occasions when he does pay, if I offer to split the bill he always agrees. He never seems to treat me or say “no let me get this”

Advice please?

If I’m being silly or unreasonable please say.

Can I say, in the nicest possible way, that if you are going into your overdraft, maybe you should also eat out a little less?!

You spent £70 on food for two people in one day, and then went out for breakfast this morning! That amount of money could feed twice as many people for a week, regardless of who's paying

Yuck I can't stand a stingy man.It's almost as though he's conditioned you to accept his mean behaviour op.Stop paying-force yourself if you have to-and don't feel guilty about it because as every harmony hairspray wearing lady knows you're worth it.

You’re married. There should be one pot as he assumedly endowed you with all his worldly goods?

You need to have a finances discussion and work out what is a fair and even way to spend your money - and all money should be both of yours as any overdraft is both of yours. Work out a budget together - it doesn’t have to be a joint account but that might be easiest in the longer term.
Certainly pre children (assuming that is in your plans) you need to be clear about money, spending and joint finances or it will create a huge tension. Clarity is always best.

They've been dating for almost 2 years - no marriage mentioned.

Wow! Whatever happened to dating where the guy paid? Is that a thing of the past?

I hope so. But it's amazing how many people think that one person not paying is a cheap bastard but if the other person doesn't pay they're fine.. all based on what's in their pants. No wonder men used to feel like they were owed after a date.

OP.
Sure it's been said by now but just incase..
If you've been with someone for 2 years and you still can't have open and frank discussion about any subject, you shouldn't be with them anymore.
Sit him down, tell him the situation, offer two options:

A) Take it in turns to pay and the payer chooses activity.
B) Don't let the door hit him where the good lord split him as he leaves.

Klutzy it does matter to some extent what is in the pants. If OP stays with this partner then it is possible they may have children via what's in her pants. Given he earns notably more she does and likely always will (as is situation for most women), she needs to determine his level of generosity as an indication as to whether he will be financially supportive in the future if needed. Like it or not most primary carers are the mothers. Him funding dates would be a good sign, especially after two years and since he is financially so much more better off. He isn't exactly coming across as the supportive type.

If neither see this relationship as long term then yes I agree both should share the bills 50:50 etc. But where long term relationships are being attempted then it would be foolish not to assess his financial generosity by some means. After all everything should be shared eventually if he is committed, why should he not pay especially after two years given her financial issues.

It’s easy OP, if he suggests going out, say you can’t afford it if you can’t. If he says he’ll pay then great, but don’t then offer him half.

Start keeping track of what you're spending and what he's spending per month

I can empathize, I went on a first date a couple of days ago and ended up paying for two rounds of drinks and lunch, and he put in a fiver if you want the extended version see my posts on the dating thread, but long story short, I'm going to keep my purse firmly in my bag next time (if) I see him. It will be hard, as my tendency is to want to over-give so I'm not "in debt" to anybody, but of course that creates a lack of balance too, especially if the guy is happy to let that happen. I resent the guy from my one date already, I'm trying to stay open minded that it was a mix up, but I sure as hell won't be spending 2 or more years with him if that's what it's going to be like.

Stop putting your hand in your pocket. Do financial stuff proportionately. I think fair in your case is probably 70/30, and for goodness sake tell him if a thing he's proposing is out of your budget - didn't have to be a drama, just "ok, are you happy to pay for that then, cos that's too expensive for me?" ... and don't get into a mindset that you have to pay it back by paying for the next few dates. A lovely home cooked cake should be "worth" as much as a Michelin starred restaurant if you're looking in terms of generosity being hours and thought as well as money.

lefteightcentre yes, but apparently the person who books the table is liable for the bill and he had booked. So the waiter asked him to step out into the lobby and gave him the bad news, after which he paid.

I had told him I couldn’t afford it, beforehand. I think he just didn’t believe me.

The reality of the matter is if he cared about you at all he wouldn't let you keep paying for him,

Are you paying because you think deep down he will end it if you don't?

I think I’m just a thoughtful person. I’ve just been paying and buying him things because I want to show my affection and do little things for him.

Yes, but he seems not to wish to do the same back and is happy for you to get into debt to do so. He's taking advantage of you.

Cmon, you can see the issue right?

I never thought I’d say this..... but Bluntness100 is absolutely right.

Please do not move in with this man, you will end up doing everything for him and paying for it too. I don't want to sound rude but you really need to up your self-esteem a bit and stop over-offering.

Just go halves on everything. And if that puts you into your overdraft, stay home and don't do it!

Wow! I strongly recommend you read "last chance saloon" by Marian Keyes. Also look into some assertiveness training - I believe there's tutorials on YouTube. You may even benefit from some therapy.

Mean with money mean with love - sayings come about BECAUSE they're true!

Honestly? Ltb, he could perhaps have claimed ignorance before you said something but he has no excuse now. Plus surely he knows he's much better off than you? So he knows that at the VERY least it should be 50/50. Frankly it sounds like he should be paying for next 2 years!

"Then I’ll be essentially as bad as him" no! How on earth do you come to that conclusion? It makes NO sense whatsoever!

Are you frightened he'll dump you if you stop?

There's thoughtful and there's being a mug.

Lots of us are thoughtful and treat people. It's what you do. It's called being nice or caring about another person.

He isn't thoughtful otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation. He isn't nice, caring or giving two fucks about you.

Which makes you a mug.

Bin him off. He isn't going to change. There are guys out there who do like to treat people. This isn't one of them.

If you stay you are making a conscious decision to say I am not worthy of being treated as a decent person. I am not worthy to have someone who really cares for me. I am not worthy of having another adult respect me and treat me as an equal.

I would also look at ways of working on self-esteem, confidence and how to exert yourself more.

He’s taking you for a mug and you’re letting him.

He knows you’re in financial difficulty - you’re stupid to keep offering to pay, he’s a dick for accepting. You can change your behaviour, you can’t change his.

And I totally agree with the PP who suggested you’re living beyond your means. Dining out several times in two days when you’re in your overdraft is financial fuckwittery.

He's mean and nasty. Everything is fine so long as it's his way.

Does he know how much you earn?? You should be able to say 'I earn less than you and I've been getting overdrawn paying to go on dates. Could you pay more often, as you have more disposable income than I do?'

Or when it's your turn to pay, suggest a movie at yours because you can't afford to go out.

Sounds like he doesn't respect you at all if he's happy for you to keep on paying and paying. Why don't you want to bring up money again? Are you scared of his reaction?

And for heaven's sake don't move in with him.

Bin him.

Holy shit, Senior! I'm so glad you got rid of him.

I had a boyfriend like that. He was a few years younger than me but on a good wage and living in a shared apartment with a friend of his so his bills were low.

He always stood back at the bar and let me order and pay. He did the same when we ate out or bought a takeaway. The same with food shopping - always hanging back, hands in pockets or on his phone and then a cheery 'thank you so much for paying' as we left.

When we went on holiday, at his insistence, it was me who had to research, book the flights, accommdoation, transfers, car, etc. and it was a monumental struggle to get his half from him afterwards.

He was entitled. I ended it.

He's now living with a high earning woman whose father is a stockbroker and you know what, as soon as he met her he gave up work and hasn't worked FOR EIGHT YEARS.

Don't end up like that OP. I suggest you dump him and find someone more generous and kind.

I think I’m just a thoughtful person. I’ve just been paying and buying him things because I want to show my affection and do little things for him.

Give it to an animal charity, at least they'll appreciate it. Are you still in debt over this pisstaker? You need to get some help because you're being mugged off.

Can not stand stingey blokes. Was with someone for 4 years that despite earning a hell of a lot more than me would always expect that I pay half on a date, if not it all! Even his own mother and our male friends commented on how odd they thought it was.

My DH when we first met was horrified when I told him about previous set up, and would only accept any contribution towards dates/meals etc if I absolutely INSISTED or he had no choice (ie. I booked cinema tickets in advance without him knowing).

If he's not changing after you telling him it upsets you then you need to ditch his arse because the resentment will eat away at you, it did for me, especially once we started living together and I was expected to pay half of all living costs leaving me with very little whilst he still had ££££'s to spend on nights out with mates, his hobbies etc. Vile trait imo.

Mean with money, mean with love. Sad.

Don't move in with him - he's suggested it, hasn't he. You don't say.