He always lets me pay

[Lotsoflaughs]

My oh earns more than me. By about £800 more a month. His outgoings every month are always less than mine.

In the years I’ve been with him, he always seems happy for me to pay for dates. It got to the stage that I had to go into my overdraft to pay for dates, whilst knowing he had ample cash saved. I’ve ended up in tears in front of him and finally told him what was wrong. I was getting stressed out with debt of trying to maintain our relationship.

Since then the situation improved slightly. But has basically gone back to how it was again. I had another money discussion with him again and he’s advised me to stop offering to pay.

At the weekend, I bought him and I lunch costing £30. He suggested we cook our own dinner and the ingredients came to £40. On the way out of the store I felt guilty, so offered to pay him half - his response was “ok” and he gladly took the money.

We went for breakfast this morning and for the first time I let him pay without offering any money. I feel guilty and as if I’m a bad partner for not offering.

I’m basically annoyed that on the limited occasions when he does pay, if I offer to split the bill he always agrees. He never seems to treat me or say “no let me get this”

Advice please?

If I’m being silly or unreasonable please say.

He sounds like one of my ex's, we was together for a few years and don't even think he bought me dinner once or a drink to think of it. ... definitely stop offering to pay towards also op as you have paid your fair share.

I’m glad BIWI mentioned it but I was going to say the same, he has Cocklodger written all over him. I’d walk

Stay away from tightarses. Why are you so worried about being seen as a ‘gold digger’? Has your boyfriend made disparaging remarks on that subject, about other women, and you’re trying to please him by being the opposite?

Seriously, he sounds awful. What kind of twat takes advantage of somebody worse off than them, who they supposedly like? I bet he is a member of one of those tight arse websites, isn’t he? He probably congratulates himself on a few quid saved every time he goes out with you. Find a decent man instead.

It is the ops fault for staying. She can make a decision to say fuck this and end it. Or, she can carry on as she is after having two previous conversations about this. To stay knowing he doesn't care, is her fault.

Op I have a fuck buddy. We meet, sometimes we go out for drinks/meal/cinema or something. Now this 'relationship' is about sex. Nothing more. We do 50/50 and we treat each other. But he insists he pays because he wants to. When I pay he always makes sure that its not a problem because he does earn more than me, and his outgoings are considerably less than mine (it's not done in a patronising way).

That's what an actual partner should be doing, not watching you cry because you are in debt as a result. When you had that first conversation, he should have been ashamed of himself and changed his behaviour. The fact that you had to have the second conversation is shocking. And now a third that you may consider. How many conversations are you going to have with this tight ass before you say no more?

Oh come on......

You'll end up one of those women who brags about always being able to pay her way, but is secretly on the phone to a mate venting and sobbing about how tight her man is. I suppose you're 1/2 way there already.

If you stop offering to pay I just bet you'll do nothing outside 4 walls, because he won't be paying for any outings

If you have to pay to keep a man you need to accept your self esteem isn't in the right place. Leave him alone and recognise you're not going to die for lack of him you know.

On the other hand you could stay and end up broke, impacting your own future negatively, for the sake of a man.

You've nothing to feel guilty about, he's a free loader! Also he is not your 'other half' if he doesn't go halves.

Tbh this feels entirely your fault. He’s said stop offering and you haven’t and yet you resent him for the fact you keep offering. He’s obviously not generous with his money and that’s his right. You have presumably decided you don’t consider this a deal breaker so you need to change your response to it. It doesn’t sound like he expects you to pay, just that he’s not going to turn you down if you offer to treat him. I don’t think that’s unreasonable, if you didn’t want to treat him then you shouldn’t have offered. You need to either:

1. say “I paid last time so it’s your turn this time”, or
2. pay your own half each time.

Either way is fine. Neither is golddigging. This is entirely within your control to sort out.

Stop going out. Simples.

If he does resent paying his own half or paying every other turn then that’s different and suggests wider problems in the relationship.

Oh come on what have I just read ?
He sounds a complete -ick .
Life is too short.
Ditch him and quick,

@AFistFullOfDelores1 thank you! I read your comment filled with kindness and felt clarity about a decades-long toxic financial relationships I've had with myself.

When I was a teen and needed money (eg sanpro) my toxic parents would kick off saying I was "grab grab" type thing. As a result I've thrown money at people to "prove" in not a taker.

Jeez... You're cheaper than therapy!

Sorry OP for jumping in. Fwiw I agree you have self-esteem issues coupled with the fact this man's a dick who will always have you pay more... And would resent you taking maternity leave etc.

Wow! Whatever happened to dating where the guy paid? Is that a thing of the past? (Been married over 25 years). My husband (them boyfriend) paid for our dates. Occasionally I made him dinner (I bought ingredients). When we went on holiday (dating days), I paid a fraction of the cost as I earned less and otherwise wouldn’t be able to go.

Are men no longer like this? Isn’t dating, especially if it’s as long as two years, meant to be the run up to commitment so laying the ground work for future relationship? When we moved in together (6 months before getting married), I paid a portion of my salary into a joint account which took care of bills/food/going out. Husband paid in more than me as he earned more. We would discuss a budget for what we could afford when going out, food shop etc.

I don’t work now so I don’t contribute into the account so husband is paying. (But I sometimes “treat” him “. It it’s just the joint account).

If so, why are you offering to pay? Why do you think you have to? Two years in and you think you’re a gold digger? Who ever said to you if you’re dating you have to pay? Stop, just stop offering. Go out without your cards to stop being enticed to pay.

Wear a rubber band around your wrist and occasionally snap it - to remind you DO NOT OFFER TO PAY.

If you feel so guilty, have a conversation about budgeting. Tell him you have x available to do things a month and can’t continue doing what you’re doing. So you’ll be stopping offering to pay when you e reached that limit. Then stick to it. He’s already told you to stop offering. So if you e reached your limit, and stopped offering to pay HALF (you don’t ever have to pick up while tab), then he’ll know anything he suggests is on his dime.

If you can’t have an open discussion about money, two years in, then you have no future with him.

Time for you to change the words you are using- whether they’re in your head to yourself, or out loud in conversations with him.

No more of this X ‘letting’ Y pay. Scrape away all this weird etiquette and labelling of people (gold-digger??). It’s purely practical. You put aside whatever you can manage as your ‘dates’ budget for the month. Include any joint holidays or gifts you’d like to buy him. Once that’s spent, it’s spent. Feel free to let him know your new policy. When you’ve spent the month’s budget, and there’s the possibility of getting together with spending involved just say ‘Brian, that sounds lovely, but if you’re expecting me to go Dutch I’m afraid I’ll have to say no or suggest a night in.’ Then if he offers to pay, you accept graciously. Every time until the end of that month.

Frankly I think you’ll have trouble changing the money rules with this one. He seems to be enjoying the inequity, and won’t like letting go of it.

I’d be watching carefully for any resentment or sulks, and tossing him out on his ear if that nonsense started. Lack of generosity in a man is a very unattractive trait, which often spills into into areas. Be warned.

You are a grown woman...stop paying for what you cannot afford...ridiculous. I'm sorry but you need a kick up the arse.

As previous posters have said, have a budget for dates...when it's finished and he suggests going out, tell him you can't afford to pay or go halves. Simples. Life is not as hard as you are making it
Stop waiting for him to refuse your 9ffer to pay.

OP, you can't seem to help yourself offering and he can't seem to help himself accepting. It shows the nature of each of your characters. Are you sure money is the only thing wrong with your relationship?

If you don't want to end it, then stop paying for all of anything immediately! You mentioned he earns £800 more than you. Work out a fair % based on earnings, tell him this and stick to it EVERY time from now on. So for example if something is £50, he pays £30 and you pay £20 (or whatever a fair split would be). Do not pay half anymore. He is the higher earner, so should he either paying more each time, or treating you more often. He's proved the latter just won't happen, so stick to the former.

Relationships really shouldn't have to be like this though. I usually find that people who are mean with money also tend to be mean of spirit. Perhaps it's worth taking a good look at the rest of your relationship and considering if he's generous in other ways. With his time, or what lovely things he does just for you that don't benefit him at all, or how often he puts you first, or whether he puts your needs first in the bedroom?? If he really is generous of spirit in every other way, then just be firm about the money and eventually he'll learn. If not, dump his ass!!

Adore, I've be married longer than you and always paid my way on dates. If D'S had dated a woman that expected him to pay every time, I would wonder about her aims for a relationship.

Lapsang the OP is paying her way - she’s also paying his way, that is the problem!

For this to survive you need to either take turns to pay or go Dutch every time. I find going Dutch annoying/depressing so far into a relationship but it might just make it easier as he sounds like he might weasel out somehow or count much lesser amounts as his ‘turn’.

I would be having a bit of a think about where this relationship is going and what it will be like if you do eg live together/get married.

Agree with PP that it’s shocking how often you’ve had to speak to him, and shown him how upset you are, only for him to do it again.

He sounds cheap and happy to take advantage of your kind nature. Not something you want in a partner.

I am like you OP. Earning less and always feel guilty for not offering to pay, especially when my 2 DC come along. After 2 years I am finally getting to the point of balancing about 1/3 of our outings.

Firstly I realised my boyfriend is not tight, he doesn't really think much about money and and tends to accept what's on offer.
Secondly, him paying is a sort of his investment into our relationship, while I 'pay' in other ways.. (affection, massages, dinner at home etc.)
It seems to work even better this way.

You wrote that you don't want to talk to him because you've had two serious conversations about it in two years and nothing has changed.

That makes no logical sense! Unless you are thinking that talking about it again means you will have to accept that he gives no fucks and will happily continue taking advantage of you.

Or maybe that he will think you are a gold digger and say so which is the worst thing ever in your world, right? If so, better start lining up the credit cards and loans now.

What happens normally when you disagree about things other than this? How do you both handle it?

Nothing worse than a lack of generosity in a partner.

Don't pay, or even offer to pa. Problem solved.

Pay, not pa!

Are men no longer like this? Isn’t dating, especially if it’s as long as two years, meant to be the run up to commitment so laying the ground work for future relationship?
Well, sometimes it's just dating and no future relationship is intended :) but quite apart from that, even if you're planning to get married, that does not usually mean the man financing the entire household single-handedly, does it?

I'm 49 and since my first ever date I've always gone 50-50 unless the man insisted he wanted to pay. Like OP I'd feel uncomfortable otherwise. In fact I think I had a thread on here asking if other people felt awkward dating someone who earned more, as it's easier to date someone who can afford the same things as you.

OP, as you keep saying you want to pay, it's not entirely fair to complain when he agrees to what you say you want, is it? It is true that after these discussions about money, he should probably realise you are just saying that to be polite. A thoughtful, generous man would have noticed that by now and said "Oh don't be silly" when you offer. So either he's not thoughtful (might just be very slow about it, after all) or he's not generous and is pretending not to know you are just being polite. But in that case he's not the only one pretending, is he? You are pretending to be happy to pay, and keeping up that pretence until you're in debt. That's ridiculous. Instead of laying all the blame on him, you need to face up to the issues that make you do this, and be more honest with him, and yourself (and with your next bf, as this relationship seems doomed).

Why don't you take turns to pay and whoever pays chooses the restaurant / food? That way it's 'equal' as you take turns, but you can choose cheaper places so you can live within your means. Getting into debt for dates is crazy! If he wants to go to expensive places / buy ingredients for expensive cocktails, then he can foot the bill also.