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Original poster

He always lets me pay

132 replies

Lotsoflaughs · 23/09/2018 21:46

My oh earns more than me. By about £800 more a month. His outgoings every month are always less than mine.

In the years I’ve been with him, he always seems happy for me to pay for dates. It got to the stage that I had to go into my overdraft to pay for dates, whilst knowing he had ample cash saved. I’ve ended up in tears in front of him and finally told him what was wrong. I was getting stressed out with debt of trying to maintain our relationship.

Since then the situation improved slightly. But has basically gone back to how it was again. I had another money discussion with him again and he’s advised me to stop offering to pay.

At the weekend, I bought him and I lunch costing £30. He suggested we cook our own dinner and the ingredients came to £40. On the way out of the store I felt guilty, so offered to pay him half - his response was “ok” and he gladly took the money.

We went for breakfast this morning and for the first time I let him pay without offering any money. I feel guilty and as if I’m a bad partner for not offering.

I’m basically annoyed that on the limited occasions when he does pay, if I offer to split the bill he always agrees. He never seems to treat me or say “no let me get this”

Advice please?

If I’m being silly or unreasonable please say.

OP posts:
Vivaldi1678 · 24/09/2018 14:33

He lets you go into debt to pay for dates with him, when he earns a lot more! He clearly has no respect or consideration for you. Get rid of this tight bastard. You sound like a kind, generous and considerate person, who deserves much better.

Bananalanacake · 24/09/2018 14:52

Bloody hell UnobtainableShock can't she see what a lazy cocklodger he is?

AngelsSins · 24/09/2018 15:28

Why don’t you hold him to the same standards as you hold himself? Why are you so horrified by the idea of behaving like a gold digger, whilst being more than happy to be in a relationship with a man that really is one? Don’t you think you deserve better?

5LeafClover · 24/09/2018 16:33

What happens if you don't offer to pay? If he pays himself no qualms then you really do need to stop offering unless you mean it. Talk about what you both think is fair so you can offer to pay half or talk about turns or whatever rather than expecting him to have a 'no, you...no, you' conversation. It might be that you only want a relationship where you are treated and made to feel special, and he can't change ( in which case shake hands and leave). Or you might be alright with it as long as the outcome is fair (in which case stay). But if he is regularly hanging back, leaving the space for you to jump in and fill it by paying OR if he is sulky when you say it's got to change then grab you purse and run!

Unobtainable · 24/09/2018 19:19

Bananalanacake

Bloody hell Unobtainableshock can't she see what a lazy cocklodger he is? Probably but she adores him and he can be extremely charming. He’s also cheated on her three times, to my knowledge and she’s taken him back. He wont have children or go anywhere with her or do any housework so he’s effectively a companion like a house cat or something. He has no shame and still propositions me.

femfemlicious · 24/09/2018 21:04

For me, he probably accepts for her to pay because he thinks as a grown up she would only offer if she can afford it!. He probably isnt all the horrible names he is being called on here. He doesn't have to be 'generous ' . Why aren't women expected to be 'generous '.

She needs to take control of her finance and pay for only what she can afford. If he truly is a 'cock lodger' and she stops offering to pay, then the relationship will come to a natural end! Problem solved. The ball in in your court OP.

Dandylie · 24/09/2018 22:42

Urgh stinginess is such an unattractive trait! The best scenario I had going on was with an ex who would never let me pay in a restaurant but then I would cook nice dinners for him at home (and supply the wine, etc) or book cinema/theatre tickets in advance or whatever. I just don’t really understand a man who is happy to sit there at a restaurant and let his girlfriend pay. I’m afraid my husband is one of those kind of guys though and it has given rise to huge resentment on my side.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 24/09/2018 22:57

Mean with money, mean with love. I can also tell that he is crap in bed. Stingy people aren't good at pleasuring others...funny that.

Rollonweekend · 25/09/2018 00:45

OP you sound lovely, you don't want to seem mean and want to be seen to be generous and there is nothing wrong with that. However this man is not showing you enough care or respect and you know that you deserve better. I personally would just stop agreeing to meet him, I'd say i can't afford to go out so he's on his own. If he gets lonely he can take you out for dinner.

TokenGinger · 25/09/2018 07:14

OP, I had an ex like this. The frustrating thing was, I was the higher earner but I have a mortgage and bills to pay, whereas he lived in a house share and managed to put £800 a month in to savings because he’d turn up at my house and help himself to whatever was in the fridge or he’d tell me to pick up a takeaway on the way over to his. In the end, I said to him that I was struggling with money and if we wanted takeaways or meals out, we needed to both put £50 in to a date fund each month. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. If he then wanted to suggest something once that pot was gone, it was for him to fund. Funnily enough, he never did. And the date fund only lasted two months before I fucked him off because his behaviour with money should have been a big enough warning about the lack of respect for me. Sorry about the lack of paragraphs - the enter button doesn’t appear to work on a mobile.

Ellisandra · 25/09/2018 08:13

I’m with femfemlicious - this is OP’s issue and I don’t see anything here to say he’s a cocklodger or any of the other insults. I didn’t read here that OP pays for everything, or half, or more than a proportionate share. Only that she pays more than she can afford. He told her not to offer - so, sounds like he’s happy to pay more. But OP clearly has issues around paying less, so I think the correct and sensitive thing to do is to accept when she offers. I would feel patronised and not in an equal relationship if my boyfriend refused to let me pay when I wanted to. OP, consider counselling about your discomfort around money.

bastardkitty · 25/09/2018 08:49

He's the higher earner and OP's told him she can't afford to pay so much but he's still sponging. But you don't see anything wrong with that? OP needs to work on self-esteem and assertiveness and kick the stingy sod to the kerb.

Ellisandra · 25/09/2018 08:56

I don’t see anything wrong with the OP paying something, albeit a lower share, if she’s more comfortable with that - no. I would hate my boyfriend challenging me when I offered - even if I knew it was coming from a good place. I’d be prickly about him not accepting my decision on what I could afford. The man could be a total arsehole, I don’t know - I may have missed detail here somewhere, but I don’t see where OP has said she’s paying for everything.

Ellisandra · 25/09/2018 08:57

(phone refusing to do paragraphs on here today, sorry for that!)

Ellisandra · 25/09/2018 08:59

My lower earning partner would have felt infantilised and patronised - and had wounded pride - if I questioned it when he offered to pay. Probably moreso if we had a big conversation about it - he’d think even more than that he air was cleared and he was now offering only what he could afford.

Kisskiss · 25/09/2018 09:41

Op, you need to be more assertive. As many others have pointed out, he’s clearly stingy with his money.
If it works for you then just go halves on everything .. I did this with one ex bf as he was stingy as hell too and it would have ended up like your situation if I didn’t ( I always feel bad and offer or feel like I should buy meals/do nice things)

If that makes you uncomfortable then just take turns? Bite your tongue when you feel the urge to offer to split the bill when it’s not your ‘turn’ eventually it will become more natural and easy.. I don’t think it’s right to offer to do something, if it makes you unhappy when he takes you up on your offer. He’s still a mean stingy arse, but you would be a fool / insincere to keep offering when you don’t really mean it...

People are brought up to think about money differently , at the end of the day, after two years together you need to ask yourself if you are happy with the way the two of you handle money together.. it’s only going to get more complicated when you move in together, buy a home together have kids etc.. worth nipping in the bud now!

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 25/09/2018 09:46

I had to become selfish (in my view) to protect myself from DH's selfishness. If he prioritises himself, I prioritise myself. He then complains. I tell him I'm doing what he does. He gets defensive. Magically (and COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO THIS, according to him) he isn't so fucking selfish next time. It's boring and frankly I don't like the person I've become, but here we are. I'd get out now, in your case.

eggncress · 25/09/2018 10:03

OP there are people out there who prey on kind, generous and “thoughtful” people. You partner is one of them, taking advantage of your kind nature for as long as he thinks he can get away with it. You say he is great in other respects but ultimately you have to think to yourself that this man does not care about causing you stress and upset, he doesn’t care that you’re getting in debt when he is in a position to ensure that it doesn’t happen.
He is capable of taking away this stressor in your life but he has chosen to ensure it continues.
Life is too short. If I were you I’d get rid of him
and find someone who shares your generosity and reciprocates your kind gestures.

Believe me, he won’t change and it will be far worse if you have children with him. He will use money to control you.

Haffiana · 25/09/2018 10:26

He is a gold digger. You are enabling him (actually it may be that you have created him. This means that both of you are being damaged by your enabling.). This is dysfunctional, and deep down you know this. You are getting something from enabling him in this way - something dark and hidden, something that you are not wanting to take out and examine.

OP seriously, whatever happens with this relationship, spend some money and get some counselling for yourself You do not have to live your life forced into these patterns. Truly, take a brave step and start to set yourself free.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 25/09/2018 10:39

There was no need to offer to pay for the shopping ingredients because you had just bought lunch. Your partner didn't offer to pay towards his lunch. This is so strange. Just take turns. And don't offer when it is not appropriate and you will end up being ripped off.

veggiethrower · 25/09/2018 11:53

Stop offering to pay.
In fact stop paying and get rid of him.
There is no way you should be going into your overdraft and he is swanning around with loads of spare cash.
Does he know that you earn much less than him?

This does not bode well for the future.
What happens when you move in together? How are the bills and rent going to be split?

wijjy · 25/09/2018 13:16

Only offer to pay when you seriously want to pay (in fact make sure in advance of a meal who is treating who. Stop offering to pay. Or, if you really can't help yourself take no cards with you and only enough money to get you home.

It is only polite to offer to pay if you really mean it. After an offer some people will always accept (we feel that is polite), other people (my partner) will fight to pay, because otherwise it feels rude to them. Other people sneak off and pay before anyone else can argue with them.

But if you offer to pay, I don't feel you can expect someone to refuse.

Dieu · 25/09/2018 20:11

I could NEVER be with someone like this. Tightfistedness is so very, very unattractive.

Flyaway78 · 30/09/2018 00:24

But OP clearly has issues around paying less, so I think the correct and sensitive thing to do is to accept when she offers. I would feel patronised and not in an equal relationship if my boyfriend refused to let me pay when I wanted to. OP, consider counselling about your discomfort around money.

Such BS. She does not need counselling FFS. She's just being generous, how is she suddenly the one at fault?!!!!!

He is a tight git and doesn't deserve a lovely girlfriend like her. End of.

Nightwatch999 · 30/09/2018 01:30

Stop paying and stop offering!
Your DP is taking you for a right mug, you are paying for his affection which is never reciprocated !