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Original poster

He always lets me pay

132 replies

Lotsoflaughs · 23/09/2018 21:46

My oh earns more than me. By about £800 more a month. His outgoings every month are always less than mine.

In the years I’ve been with him, he always seems happy for me to pay for dates. It got to the stage that I had to go into my overdraft to pay for dates, whilst knowing he had ample cash saved. I’ve ended up in tears in front of him and finally told him what was wrong. I was getting stressed out with debt of trying to maintain our relationship.

Since then the situation improved slightly. But has basically gone back to how it was again. I had another money discussion with him again and he’s advised me to stop offering to pay.

At the weekend, I bought him and I lunch costing £30. He suggested we cook our own dinner and the ingredients came to £40. On the way out of the store I felt guilty, so offered to pay him half - his response was “ok” and he gladly took the money.

We went for breakfast this morning and for the first time I let him pay without offering any money. I feel guilty and as if I’m a bad partner for not offering.

I’m basically annoyed that on the limited occasions when he does pay, if I offer to split the bill he always agrees. He never seems to treat me or say “no let me get this”

Advice please?

If I’m being silly or unreasonable please say.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 23/09/2018 22:19

WTAF? Why on Earth did you offer in the first place instead of going Dutch? Just why? You got into debt to date? That's so pitiful and pathetic. I hope he paid it off or you did. He's a stingy cunt. Get a spine! Take an assertive course and stop letting him take advantage of you.

datingdisaster41 · 23/09/2018 22:19

Op - would your ideal be to pay 50/50 /take it in turns to pay? Would you prefer him to pay a larger proportion of the costs because he earns substantially more? Or do you feel he should pay most or all of the bills? I think you need to decide what is actually fair as you see it as a start-off.

findingmywaytoday · 23/09/2018 22:19

I've been with someone like this, although in my situation turned out they were genuinely thoughtless.

As hard as it is, don't get your purse out and let him pay. I struggled with this in the beginning to be honest as it made me feel ackward, but I soon got over it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/09/2018 22:21

What were those two serious conversations about? Has anything changed?

You sound quite passive. You’re angry but not able to express to him how you’d prefer things to be. If he wants expensive bottles of spirits to make cocktails he should pay for them!

But the principle is the issue, he’s taking the piss, whatever you’ve discussed hasn’t made a difference and you’re seething and feeling helpless and unable to have an honest chat with a man you’ve been in a relationship with for two years.

It’s not a good sign OP.

0rlaith · 23/09/2018 22:21

Please dont move in with him.

zsazsajuju · 23/09/2018 22:22

Why can’t you just agree to go halves every time? Problem solved.

MyOtherProfile · 23/09/2018 22:22

Thank goodness you don't live with him. You'd be bankrupt.

Stop offering to go halves, odder to pay just less than half the time. You won't be as bad as him because you have already paid more than your fair share.

LeftRightCentre · 23/09/2018 22:24

*I honestly don’t want to bring it up again. We’ve had two serious money conversations in the past number of months.

I’ll see how the next couple of weeks goes and I’m going to try my hardest not to offer to pay.*

Why not? He's a tight twat. FFS. And you're letting yourself being taken for a mug. You show people how to treat you.

C0untDucku1a · 23/09/2018 22:25

Dont even take your purse out.

Dont not pay for anything just keep track in your head of what is fair.

AskMeHow · 23/09/2018 22:29

Mean with money, mean with love.

He knows he's not paying his fair share and it doesn't bother him.

You've cried about it, had it out with him and he's not really changed.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 23/09/2018 22:34

What a battle you're fighting in your head, OP. It feels tiring just reading about how you rush in and offer to pay way more than your share just so that you can escape the self judgement of being a gold digger. Your DP is immaterial here. This is about you, and the story you've been taught about money. I hope you can sort out out before you marry.

Hazelnoot · 23/09/2018 22:35

How people deal with money reveals their true colours. Your boyfriend is a selfish person tight with money even with you his partner of two years. You sound generous and deserve somebody willing to share. You are being a mug. He knows you are upset and getting in debt and still lets you pay. Low quality partner.

Hogtini · 23/09/2018 22:35

In the nicest possible way - shake yourself. Going into your overdraft to pay for dates?! I completely agree with paying your way/being independent/not assuming a man should pay but really?! That's insane. And how would he have known until you broke down crying? Stop offering, he's obviously assume you can afford to. Seriously if after years of dating you can't communicate then you really need to reassess this relationship. You're going to try your hardest not to offer? Wtf.

Seniorschoolmum · 23/09/2018 22:36

Op, I was put in that situation by my ex.

He had stopped working, having sold his share in a company, I am a single mum with a Mortgage.
He thought 50:50 was fair but would keep trying to choose Michelin starred restaurants. Even half was breaking me. It came to a head when I was made redundant and he said it was my turn to buy lunch, so, since I had no money, I made lunch at home and he got really arsey because it wasn’t “fair”.
After that, I made it clear how much I had for eating out or travel in a month, and said once it was spent, I’d stay at home.
He tried to force me to spend more- telling the waiter to give me the bill, and only paying it when the restaurant got nasty. He finally realised I meant it, and left. It was a shame but a relief too.
Your oh is a selfish user. If he wants cocktails he should pay for the ingredients himself, rather than rope you into a scheme that you cannot afford.
He won’t change, he thinks he’s entitled, I think you need to walk away. Sorry

rageymcrageface · 23/09/2018 22:40

Reading this again, it's pretty awful. He's witnessed you break down and cry, knows you've ended up in debt, and yet his get out clause for being a tight arse is "well, you will offer"?

What if you genuinely just couldn't afford to go on dates? Say you were made redundant? What do you think would happen?

Bananalanacake · 23/09/2018 22:41

I had one of these. Just as well he got bored of girlfriends every 6 months and moved to someone else.

Anastassiabeaverhausen · 23/09/2018 22:44

Don't marry him. You'll end up broke while he refuses to pay for anything.

dirtybadger · 23/09/2018 22:44

Stop offering. But, before that, say no to things. Then he has a choice- don't do the thing (meal out, cinema, whatever), or pay for you so that you can do it together.

I am the lower earner (neither high earners but I'm low and he's lower end of average) out of me and DP (also not living together). We either take it in turns or split meals 50/50. If I can't afford something I would consider a luxury then I say no because it's financially irresponsible. Sometimes he offers to pay for both, Sometimes we decide to do something cheaper (esp. At end of month when he might not have as much left).

Tbh I find it quite hard to believe if you're actually paying for more than him that he hasn't noticed this. I can understand him accepting a roughly 50/50 split if you're immediately offering, but if it's gone over 60/40 ish he's taking the piss.

ferando81 · 23/09/2018 22:45

There is always givers and takers in life ,your a giver and he's a taker-you need to find a like-minded giver and dump him.
Money isn't everything but it's a decent indicator of the quality of a person . Its easy to talk and pretend to be a decent person but someone who doesn't pay his fair share shows that they are selfish and narcisstic .Youve found out what sort of person he is ,if you decide to stay then more fool you.

Butterymuffin · 23/09/2018 22:47

he wanted to make cocktailsSo we had to buy the booze for that

And where is the rest of that booze living now, that you paid towards? Let me guess, it's at his place?
I don't like the sound of this at all. Him telling you not to offer is bollocks. He could turn you down when you do offer, but doesn't. I would start not offering but also saying 'I can't afford it so I'll pass and I won't have any' with things like the cocktails (obviously you then have to stick to that and refuse them if offered!) But I wonder if he'd be so keen to do those things if you weren't putting in your cash.

BIWI · 23/09/2018 22:48

Stop being such a doormat!

You go out for dinner. The bill comes. You say 'it's your turn to pay, I paid last time'

You go shopping. The bill comes to £90. You say to him - 'you owe me £45 for the food'. How hard is that?

I think you need to do some serious thinking not only about why you can't seem to make him pay his way - but more importantly why he doesn't offer to pay?

There's a real danger he's behaving like a cocklodger here.

neverbetrickedagain · 23/09/2018 22:49

You should think carefully what the future holds for you if you were to marry him and have kids. What happens when you go on maternity leave or if you happen to be SAHM for a few years? Who would pay for your clothes, toiletries, haircuts etc. Who would pay for all kids' stuff? Would you have separate accounts? Would that mean that you'd be overdraft all the time and he would accumulate savings in his name only? And what if you need to divorce him and need money to pay solicitor?
Money cannot buy happiness, but it can give you options and that is very important. Try to protect yourself. Do not spend all the money on dates. I'm not sure you can change him, but make sure you sort this out before you move forward with him.

LeftRightCentre · 23/09/2018 22:49

He tried to force me to spend more- telling the waiter to give me the bill, and only paying it when the restaurant got nasty. He finally realised I meant it, and left. It was a shame but a relief too.

What, he tried to get you to pay for the entire thing rather than your share?

bastardkitty · 23/09/2018 22:51

Well I'm sorry but it's your fault

^ No. It isn't your fault. You need to learn how to handle this much better. Your self-esteem doesn't sound great and that's not your fault. And he is horribly mean and unpleasant. That's not your fault either, but you need to learn not to put up with it. He's horrible.

bigtimer · 23/09/2018 22:52

Ditch the tight wad