He always lets me pay

[Lotsoflaughs]

My oh earns more than me. By about £800 more a month. His outgoings every month are always less than mine.

In the years I’ve been with him, he always seems happy for me to pay for dates. It got to the stage that I had to go into my overdraft to pay for dates, whilst knowing he had ample cash saved. I’ve ended up in tears in front of him and finally told him what was wrong. I was getting stressed out with debt of trying to maintain our relationship.

Since then the situation improved slightly. But has basically gone back to how it was again. I had another money discussion with him again and he’s advised me to stop offering to pay.

At the weekend, I bought him and I lunch costing £30. He suggested we cook our own dinner and the ingredients came to £40. On the way out of the store I felt guilty, so offered to pay him half - his response was “ok” and he gladly took the money.

We went for breakfast this morning and for the first time I let him pay without offering any money. I feel guilty and as if I’m a bad partner for not offering.

I’m basically annoyed that on the limited occasions when he does pay, if I offer to split the bill he always agrees. He never seems to treat me or say “no let me get this”

Advice please?

If I’m being silly or unreasonable please say.

When I first met DP I always offered to.pay half or we took turns. When we moved in together he became more stingy. When he lost his job I paid everything including his child maintenance and ran up credit card debt . He is now back in work on a reasonable income but he is so tight ! He even expected 16 year old DS to pay for his own college bus pass though he only works at weekend. (I paid) He is a home bird and would not go anywhere unless I arranged it but then I end up paying! Recently I have just had to tell him what he will be paying for in advance. It's awkward but it seems to work. Good luck OP

I've had this my now DH. I have a very well paid job and him not. I'm naturally very generous of spirit, have been financially independent for so long that it was second nature for me to offer to pay. In the early days of our relationship he used to offer and sometimes he paid, sometimes me but our first argument was about this very subject. I learnt that we are both at opposite ends of generosity so I stopped being so generous and got better at asking him to step up. We're married now, I live with him in his property and I don't pay for any outgoings except I pay for the car and our food as I still earn well and have rent from my property and it's no longer a problem between us. We joke about his miserly streak and he offers to help me budget. Perfect really after a point of such contention in the early days.

It doesn't sound like he remembers that it's his turn to get the next thing, so I think you should split every bill from now on. I've a friend like your DH. When she pays, she thinks she's treating me, when in fact I'll have paid for all of our previous meals. Its infuriating! My only solution is *split every bill from now on.' And if can get around to it, tell him what you've told us : he earns more & pays for less. Yuck!

Correction : DP

Stop going out to eat if you can't afford it. The answer is so obvious.

I hate meanness.

DP & I earn similar amounts. We roughly take it in turns to pay & sometimes pay half each if we've agreed to do that in advance.

What never happens is that one of us will offer to contribute & the other snatches their hand off to take the money.

FWIW when you mentioned about living together "we haven't reached that milestone yet" I read it as "millstone".

I presume there's something more complicated going on here than is obvious, but in case there isn't... Stop offering to pay!

otherwise surely he would turn down my offer?

A lot of people, especially men, just take these things at face value. You are offering to pay in the hope/expectation that he will say no. It is possible however that he just thinks you are not feeling broke this month so you are offering to pay and that is very kind of you, thank you very much. You seem to be saying that, if you don't offer to pay, he doesn't mind at all, so stop trying to prompt generosity beyond that. He isn't going to say, "Oh no, it's nice of you to offer, but I want to treat you this time"