Added myself to dh and ow fb chat - part 2

[MissMarpleMyArse]

My first thread received so much support that I've been advised to make another one due to the number of messages. I knew my dh was up to no good, added myself to their Facebook chat and blew it all up.....

Your list needs editing: what if he does it again 5 years a few months down the line

Yes, it is a cliche but the phrase 'Rather a painful end than never-ending pain' springs to mind. Or another rather apt saying is 'you can't polish a turd!' There is just too much deliberate and rather cruel, cold-blooded deceit.

Maybe entitle your list ‘reasons why it’s over with Captain Slow Wank’ just a constant reminder that sums up the whole grubby little escapade. You sound sound like you are dealing with it all so well, good to hear you have RL support too

Stay strong and be kind to yourself if you have a wobble.

I’m nearly a year down the line after discovering exH’s 18 months affair and I’m so much happier despite my worry for the future and whether the kids will turn out ok. Its so hard in those first few weeks - I cried so hard but I’ve realised he had no respect for me or the fact that I gave my whole life up for him so he doesn’t deserve my tears. I promise it will get easier with time and you’ll be a better person for not having to worry if your scumbag ex is going to do it again

Glad to hear you have support it makes such a difference in these situations.. you are an inspiration to your girls & many women who have read your posts on here.. stay strong @MissMarpleMyArse .. while I strongly believe what you do next regarding your marriage is your decision, I do feel he will do it again & you are worth so so much more

Unfortunately an affair crosses a line & there is no going back from broken trustyou think the ow gets to keep her family - indeed she does she gets to keep them in agonising tournament..

@notsodimwit I feel the same as you, my love for my Dad has gone. It really changed how I saw him and more so now I have a child - I ask how he could risk his family like that?

I've never asked him but the therapy has taught me I can just accept that I won't ever understand.

It's a good list OP, I'm sure he will try to dismiss it and downplay it in future conversations and you may never know all the details (god knows you know enough already having read all the painful messages) but the new normal of your daughters building their relationship with their dad outside of your marriage has started and you will find a new way to be.

I forgave my husband after I discovered a one night stand when I was pregnant with our second child. I was devastated but couldn't think about not being with him at that stage in my life.
Things were great for another 10 years, then 9 months ago I discovered a full blown affair. Do i regret not leaving him 10 years ago? No. We had 10 more fantastic years and I really thought the one night stand was a mistake. It did, however make my decision to leave him this time easier. I do sadly think that most people (men or women) who have cheated once will do it again. Maybe not for another 10 years, but they will.

Keep strong - it's a huge black hole in those early days but there is light coming your way and you will come out of this way better than him and way better than you think you will x

Thanks everyone. This maybe a long one
@Bambamrubblesmum your post said
She thinks her husband might forgive her if he believes nothing happened

This makes me sure something did happen between them otherwise there would be no need to state this. Sorry OP I think this went much further than you are being led to believe 

Looks like you were right. I haven't gone in today as too ill. I decided to nose at the bank statements and log into his credit card to see if he's done anything about a flat. Nothing on the credit card apart from the balance transfer. And a fucking booking in June at a premier inn!!! There is also a payment to the restaurant that is next to it for the same day. I know this restaurant as he has taken me and the girls a couple of times in the last 2 months. I thought it was odd as it's quite a trek from us and it's only a bloody beefeater. Obviously wanted to return to the scene of the crime.
I've looked on fb to see if I had posted anything that day, and it's when my girls went on a trip to London so I decided to take advantage and me and mum went to stay with my brother for the night to see their new baby.
I've scrolled back through my texts to that day and he asked me to text to let him know I'd got there ok. General chat about the cute baby. I said we were off to pick up a Chinese and he said ok I'll say goodnight then, I'm going to get an early night. I remember feeling happy that I didn't see him on WhatsApp at all while I was away!!!
I'm not even going to bother confronting him as I know from reading on here that he will say he booked it for a friend or something. I remembered reading on here about location history on the iPhone, just found mine and it gives a map of the location, the dates, and the time you arrived and left. He's coming over later to take the girls out so I'm just going to tell him I want to look at his phone and find it on his.

Oh god that’s awful MissMarpleMyArse

The shocks keep on coming for you, he couldn’t even be fucking honest when he was caught out.

How are you doing?

I don't know! My heart dropped to my stomach when I saw it but now I'm angry. I know liars will say anything to save themselves but surely there comes a point when you realise what you are doing to the other person??? I'm sad and angry at the same time.

I’m really sorry op , when that reality hits you of knowing they were physical . It feels like someone has blown a hole in your stomach. He is a shit bag and will continue to cheat regardless of who he is with (it’s really important to remember this and to not blame you or your relationship) this is him as a person and what he does. He is defective. Stay strong! You sound formidable 💪🏼Xx

I'm trying not to blame myself fuckit. I could probably do with losing a bit of weight and making an effort with clothes l, hair and make up. But people like him would do it no matter what I look like.

My ex cheated on me with someone who (this may sound big headed but it is factual ) wasn’t as attractive as me, we were opposites in many ways . I think these types of men would cheat on anyone with anyone who’s willing to be frank. You can’t do nothing to change their scummyness.

I have a thread going labelled revenge body , when you feel up to it , it would be great to see you there. Thinking of you lovely xx 💛

As a few MN posters have said on various threads - some of the wealthiest, most famous and beautiful women have been cheated on. His behaviour is not about YOU it's all about HIM.

Your appearance has absolutely nothing to do with his shady behaviour OP. Allowing you to feel like you were going crazy because he was gaslighting you while he was off having slow wanks (or wanks of varying speeds alone or not) has no bearing on your appearance, behaviour or character. It is all down to him. He CHOSE to do these things. He chose to take these risks. He chose to value his thrills more than his relationship with you. I am so sorry, but he didn’t realize how amazing you are. What a dolt he is. I hope all his friends know how much of a tool he has been and how cheaply he has played himself.

Never ever blame yourself op! I'm sure he is not physically the same as when you first met. You have carried babies & proper love should not be that shallow... he cheated because he's not a nice person & has no morals.

@MissMarpleMyArse So sorry to read this, such an awful thing to discover. I'm not sure if it might be better you found this out in terms of the closure as I have spent the last few months wondering if my ex was physical and never really knowing.

@FuckItPassMeTheWine I was in the same boat with my ex and I think it's the same for both men & women in that respect - they will go with anyone. She cheated, at least emotionally, on me with someone who was an ex football hooligan and also a full on Tommy Robinson style racist, almost the complete opposite of me. I am fairly certain she was physical though and enough to get an STD test as would never let me wear condoms as she didn't like them.

What does your mum say ? She was so fantastic when it first happened, I'd be listening to her advice now. She most of all will have YOUR best interests at heart.

Oh you are so strong, and that discovery would make me so so cross, I'm not surprised you feel the way you do about checking his location thingy - but really, do you really need to? I think you know what the answer will be already.

Think of it this way, if you hadn't done all of this, you'd still be oblivious and they'd be carrying on as if you didn't know - he wouldn't have stopped it, because he was getting away with it. Nothing but you finding out would have put an end to it.

Dilly, Just & Ryder. I know, it takes a special kind of twat to risk everything for a cheap thrill. I won't blame myself, there was nothing I could have done to stop this. I will have a look at fuckit thread though. I like the idea of a revenge body!

Rich - yeah I guess I will be glad I found out. Eventually. At least I know there's absolutely no way back from it now. And I'm glad to hear she is your ex. I hope you can move on.

Weather - I haven't told her yet. I'm scared she will murder him and go to prison!

Qfor - if I'm honest half of me wants to find it so I can send it to the ow husband. Im hoping for him to find the same in her phone. He's being taken for a mug too. Although it will be worse for him as I guess he will be the one to move out. I'll have to give it some thought depending on what I find

Definately tell the husband , he deserves to know !

Fuckit - I'm wondering if he would rather not know. He hasn't replied to me from last week. Although ow sent h that message saying he may be ok if nothing physical happened. And it's looking like it did.