Added myself to dh and ow fb chat - part 2

[MissMarpleMyArse]

My first thread received so much support that I've been advised to make another one due to the number of messages. I knew my dh was up to no good, added myself to their Facebook chat and blew it all up.....

You sound like you needed a good blow out! Although your health might be a bit vulnerable, take care of yourself.

My Ex said the same, denied it, minimised it, got angry and only when I kicked him out did he suddenly say he had mucked up and how sorry he was. Only... he never would have told me. Ever. I find that chilling. Your Ex would not have told you either.

It’s tough but they have at no point shown us true remorse, until they face up to themselves and the real devastation of betrayal. Betrayal runs deep, the willingness to lie to our most important loved one, again and again. And watch them suffer and become anxious and yet still lie. And never stop lying until your loved one has to degrade themselves into looking at your phone and has evidence at last.

That’s what he’s done to you.

I found I couldn’t make the decision in my head to say, it’s over forever. So I told myself it was over right now, that I needed time, then more time. I told everyone it was over but missed him so badly I couldn’t imagine forever without him. But slowly, weeks and months passed, and one day I really could. It takes time.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. So awful. You’re being so strong. And I hope the hangover and the cold get better quickly. I just wanted to say -keep going and stay strong!

Bet he'll invite her to join him in the flat!

All the apologies now are about him trying to get his nice life back. I'm sure that he is sorry because he has lost everything for some cheap thrill, but the important thing to remember if you wobble, is that he wouldn't have stopped, if you hadn't caught him.
Whose is the credit card that he took? If you have any financial liability for the bill then get your name taken off it asap - why should you expose yourself to any financial risk for him to get a flat etc. Not your responsibility.

Stay strong OP he does not deserve you

@31GoingOn13 - if it wasn't for it being a pattern of behaviour I wouldn't be saying leave. I'm not a LTB type and am all for people getting a second chance if the marriage is what the betrayed spouse wants but not a third.

Your DH is still on his second chance and I do hope he never fails you again. There's nothing weak in what you've been through I'm sure, but it sounds quite different to this situation.

I could almost forgive him for the sleazy wanking but to lie to you for months and make you feel like you were crazy - that takes a special kind of arsehole.

31, it's true that sometimes people who get caught cheating, see the absolute devastation it causes to their partner and are truly sorry. It's possible to get through that, if the cheater works very hard to rebuild trust.
However, what makes me think that the OP's dh isn't going to be in that category is that he blamed the OP for this - his reaction is not total remorse and devastation, but looking to somehow make this her fault.
Also, an affair with an unknown (to OP) woman is bad enough, but to do so with a woman she socialises with, demonstrates such an utter lack of respect and caring for his wife.

I think for me it was about how aggressive and utterly nasty he was to you, OP, immediately after. He didn't ask about the girls. He didn't apologise, he blamed you for making his fantasy real ! I mean just wow. He really showed his selfish, it's all about me self. He had been gaining confidence in his gaslighting you in the previous months.

How are your girls? It is your life and your future. Only you can decide what to do.

I love how he said the affair meant "nothing." Apparently neither did your marriage. What a prick.

I’ve read the last thread OP, you’ve given me strength. My DH has been cheating on while overseas, I’m away with the DC at present, have to confront him about it when we get home. I’m in awe of your strength.

.

@Nightinshiningllama (hope that worked!) good luck, let me know how you get on.
Thanks everyone for the messages. I think you have summed up what is holding me back, this wasn't a one off and a lot of effort and devious behaviour went in to carrying it on. And the fact he let me think I was going mad. When I posted the first time I was desperate, I even looked into the phone hacking app that was suggested.
I asked him if he has heard from ow. He said he had one text saying not to reply, she had to block him on everything and she hopes he's ok. She thinks that her husband might forgive her if he believes nothing happened. That has made me cross as she gets to keep her family life. Slag.
My girls are doing ok thanks. They have spoken to him but not gone into any detail. I didn't want to ask in case they think they betraying him by telling me stuff. I'm trying not to pressure them into talking to me about the whole situation but they know they can if they want to.
I'm not on the credit card that he has. We have a joint account with a credit card and put a holiday on it, he took another one so he could do an interest free balance transfer. He had written his log in details on the letter he took but I had scanned that the other day. I might have a look at it few days to see if he is sorting himself out a flat. (And make sure he hasn't booked them a holiday!)
I have to go to work even though I feel like shit. I work for a company on a consultancy basis so am self employer. No work = no money sadly.
Thanks again for all of the support x

@31 I too took my Ex back, however he then went on to do it again.

Whatever your decision OP, I would really advise breaking up now and keeping it that way for many months.

One of the reasons to do this is that you need to really find your strength and heal. Whatever he’s said, this is a huge thing. My Ex also ‘sexted’ and denied actual sex, but years on this still cuts into my very soul. It’s a huge betrayal.

In some ways, a completely out of character one off night of sex might be a bit easier to get over. However this is systemic of your partner (and was with mine). They’ve lost a big, vital, fundamental respect and care for us, lying, hiding away. Something very very wrong with this.

Your partner needs time also to work out how remorseful he really is. A few weeks down the line he will be still scared and weak, still just wanting a quick fix.

It’s only after a lot of time has passed that I would advise even contemplating whether it might work. Months. And then. I’d advise counseling and open access to phones etc. All discussed with a therapist who knows this area well. Good luck.

To be fair OP the OW may get to keep her life if her husband forgives her.

That is his choice as it is yours.

OW's husband has probably gone into that immediate survival instinct where he tries to keep everything the same and protect his unit. That doesn't mean she will get away without consequence. He is in shock at the moment - remember that he probably hasn't had months of suspicion or gaslighting to alert his instincts.
As the shock wears off, he may well conclude that he can't forgive her or doesn't want to.

OWs husband will never look at her in the same way though. Even if they stay together, it’s broken and OW will always have the insecurity of thinking her husband could do the same if he wanted. Once you cross that line, your relationship is never a pure loyal contract.

He can't believe her has been so stupid and if he had one wish it would be to go back and not start this thing. She meant nothing and was just a cheap thrill. It didn't seem real and he could separate it from his real life.

Glad he's accepting responsibility and his words sound good in theory.... but this isn't his first offence.

I'm very pro marriage especially where children are involved, but I'm also pro not being a doormat and i believe in making a cheater have consequences...otherwise they'll do it again.

Until I found out and then he realised what he stands to lose and he will do anything I want to make it up to me.

This is true of many affairs. It's all fun and thrilling till it blows up in their face.

This is your life...Do what you feelis right.

You don't have to decide if you'll definetly get divorced right now.

For some people they can forgive the fact that nothing physical happened...others have more of an issue with the emotional connection.

he will do anything I want to make it up to me

I'd flip the question to him... "If I was fingering myself ...moving my knickers to the side with thoughts of another man, who was having a slow wank thinking about me...and it had been going on for a while, but I denied it when you suspected something was happening and made you think you were going mad... what could I possibly do to make it right for you?"

I've been there (finding messages to other women) and did take him back, like you I just wanted my life, my family together and desperatly wanted to believe it was a mistake and he'd never do it again.

We were back on for another couple of years but I felt furious whenever he was on his phone and a few nights I'd wait until he was asleep to look through his phone. It's a horrible way to live. We split again for good as our relationship just crumbled after I had no trust really.

She thinks her husband might forgive her if he believes nothing happened

This makes me sure something did happen between them otherwise there would be no need to state this. Sorry OP I think this went much further than you are being led to believe

Stay strong and focus on the future you have free of all this bullshit. If her husband wants to stick his head in the sand that’s up to him but suspect he will be where you are when she does it again.

You are doing great, just remember the venom he threw at you when he was found out. That was the real him not the grovelling pathetic idiot he is now. He is just hoping he can manipulate you back into line.

Exactly, Rambam.

"She thinks her husband might forgive her if he believes nothing happened" What she's actually saying here is, "if she can get him to believe nothing happened... when in fact, it DID.

Of course it hurts, you're only human (but a fantastic human!)

Stay strong, as others have said, he's only sad he got caught.

Even if the OW stays with her husband, poor guy will have years of doubt ahead of him. So she may get to 'keep her family life', but I seriously doubt it will be a happy one.

Go back to work - the distraction will be good. Keep your chin up.

Stay strong OP. You can't get your old life back even if you forgive him, it would never be the same again.

Keep that in mind when you a wobble about taking him back. It will get easier

Oh, the affair meant nothing. So he was prepared to lose his devoted wife and family over nothing.

More lies. If you hadn't caught him, he'd still shagging "nothing" behind your back.