Added myself to dh and ow fb chat - part 2

[MissMarpleMyArse]

My first thread received so much support that I've been advised to make another one due to the number of messages. I knew my dh was up to no good, added myself to their Facebook chat and blew it all up.....

So now he’s losing everything, he’s bothered about his actions? Because he sure as shite wasn’t when it was you who was upset, he was shitty with you when you were in bits over his awful betrayal.

Funny how now reality has set in that he’s contrite. Prick.

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. I said on the other thread to stay angry and these are the times that will help you.

When you were initially in bits after you found out, he didn’t say sorry, he minimised and dismissed his actions and your feelings.

The begging and promises now? They’re because he’s realised you’re having none of it and won’t be having him back.

He’ll look and sound awful sorry, but his only feeling is for himself. It always was, because if he considered anyone else this wouldn’t be happening.

It might have changed in appearance but it’s just as much all about him as it was when he was in that bathroom doing what he was doing.

Also, the OW and her H are not you and him. If the H wants to put up with that, that’s his lookout.

You don’t have to.

Miss I'm sorry but you know you can probably never go back from this even if you got back together because you can never not know it happened.

History and familiarity and love means you will be desperate to just rewind but the reality is that's not possible but that doesn't mean that eventually you can't be gloriously happy with a new life (on your own or with a new partner) and this will be part of your history. Your kids will have a relationship with him and you and hopefully when the need arises (weddings, birthdays etc) you can be in the same space together without feeling pain because he won't mean enough to you for it to matter to you anymore. obviously you won't forget and you may never fully forgive but it will be your past and he and what he did to you will have no bearing on the fabulous new life that your living!

Your doing so well miss, I know that won't mean much because your life is devastated at the moment but you are!

P.s don't waste any more energy on texting or calling her, she is just not worth your headspace, all you will be doing is rubbing salt in your own wounds and you'll give them both ammunition to manipulate things into making you the bad one or the "mental ex" let them wallow in the shit they've made for them selves, you sit high above where you deserve to be!

You had got the the stage before this where you posted due to his chatting actions.

He let you think there was nothing going on and it was all in your head.

There was no remorse for his actions then. He carried on with his dirty little fantasy not caring what affect it was having on you.

He was happy for you to be upset, hurt and confused whilst there was no fallout for him.

It is only now you have proof and he is suffering that he is very sorry.

I really feel for you. I've stood in your shoes and they are not comfortable.

My ex-H was terribly sorry after he'd been caught too but he wasn't really sorry for his actions and if he hadn't been caught, he'd have carried on enjoying himself with the OW.

I tried to reconcile, went to counselling with him and did my best to give him a second chance but it didn't work. The trust was gone, the unshakeable belief that we were a team and 'in this together', the physical desire - it was all gone.

Only you can know what is right for you but give yourself time. There's no rush and you should just wait and see how you feel and when you are ready, then you can move forwards in whatever direction you want to go.

Such an awful story to read and continue reading. I don’t think you can ever take him back, your description of the woman on this thread reminds me so much of the ex I have posted about on here a few times. She was a tease and used WhatsApp/FB messenger to sext multiple men behind my back, I do think she slept with some of the guys fairly soon after the sexting began too.

It’s such an awful thing to go through and like you I was going out of my mind thinking I was imagining it and that it was my fault - still do to an extent. I didn’t actually see much in the way of messages as I didn’t have the willpower to go through her phone but caught glimpses of messages when she thought I wasn’t looking or she was trying to hide it. I know the messaging was sex related and inappropriate as she did the same with me when we first got together, she would also send me lots of selfies or photos of her legs whilst wearing suspenders, etc.

Delurking to wish you well OP. My father had an affair, I found out (I was 13) I didn't say anything for almost a year and when my mum found out he told her she was mad and then said all the I'm Sorrys. Now she forgave him, she really loved him and still does but something in our family shifted and I have since had therapy as a result. They have been married for 45 years. It can be done but not without further hardship and forgiveness. She has never forgotten and neither have I. I'm glad of course they stayed together but would always have understood if she couldn't carry on.

It's completely up to you. I would encourage counselling if you decide to stay in the marriage but if you can't get passed it you would be all the stronger for admitting that to yourself and others and starting your new life all the sooner.

You don't know what you've got til it's gone but maybe it's gone already because he threw it away. Bastard. So so sorry you're going through this.

My ex did all the sorries, it was a cheap thrill, it didn't mean anything. So I tried to make it work. It was agony though, but I stuck at it. Looking back, I was the one putting in all the effort. Just as i began to feel secure again (took years) he did it again.

I was going to start with the tagging but so many of you lovely people have replied that I couldn't single a few out! The comments have made me think and I've written out a list to keep myself strong

• he's not sorry, just sorry he got caught.
• he didn't love me enough to stop when he had the chance
• he didn't love me enough to not cause me the pain of doubting my own mind
• this wasn't a one off. It was months of sneaky planning
• I can't trust him. Do I want a lifetime of spying on his phone
• will my kids end up in therapy by growing up in the above environment
• I will never believe I have the whole truth
• what if he does it again 5 years down the line

I've just been reading the infidelity support thread. I admire people who want to give it another go, however what hits me is that they haven't 'got their life back'. They have a different life where they are in pain, and a lot of them seem to be getting worse not better.
DD1 has just said her dad text to ask if he can take them to Pizza Hut after school tomorrow. God this is so weird.
I still feel like shit and was missing him looking after me until I came on here.

OP, you are doing amazing, you really are. I ended up giving my stbxh 3 chances over a further 3 years with the same OW (wanting to protect the kids etc). I’m now nearly 6 months on after finally kicking him out and the sun is starting to shine through the clouds, hang on in there x

@Asifiwouldletyoubreakme
Wow 3 times with the same woman. I'm so glad you are doing ok. I think that's the thing that worries me most, him doing it again as he thinks I'm the forgiving type.

He will keep doing it because that’s his MO. He will try to convince you that he loves you and he is sorry but he will always be looking into the middle distance for something exciting and forbidden. That’s how he gets his kicks. He uses the slow wank because he can enjoy the fantasy of sex where he is in control and he gets what he wants. This is because the actual sex with the OW will always be a disappointment to him because it won’t live up his expectations.

They are always sorry... when they get caught. I got out a year ago, it's been stressful and hard. But my life now is so much happier. I don't have to run around after him anymore and be checking up and paranoid about what he's doing. And then I don't have to be told I'm being touchy and don't understand! Cheeky feckers they are. Not saying no one can get past this. But not many can

Panamapatty I think you're right, it's an ingrained behaviour. Well once he has his flat he can slow wank himself to his hearts content.

@bullyingadvice2017 I think that the relief of not having to play detective all the time will be nice. I wondered today what I ever use to think about before this year!

BamBamRubbles is right OP. There is your evidence it was a full on affair. She has opened her gob and stuck her foot straight in. I would be making sure her DH knew about that I can tell you. I would be raging.

It's so awful that these men don't realise what lovely woman they have xx my dad did the same to my lovely mum years ago ☹ and I have never ever ever ever ever forgiven him! I act ok just because he's my dad but sadly the love I had for him is long gone! I would never tell him that as he's my Dad! That sounds awful but it's the truth and I have also a friend that the same had happened and she feels the same x

I love my strong independent mam😍 and I am grown up now with a little girl of my own x my dad's weak!

Keep going OP!

I also gave my partner a second chance. It didn't last long as we could never be the same again and they returned to pathetically pursuing the same woman. That ended disastrously by which time I was way past caring.

Thinking of you. So sorry this has happened, much love xx

Oh OP you are doing brilliantly your resolve is fantastic. Keep on keeping on this time next year it won't hurt anywhere near as bad.

I wish I had as been as brave as you at the very beginning OP! They really aren’t worth the heartache. I am non contact as much as I can (kids are 8 & 10), including his family and it’s the best thing I have done, along with attending regular counselling sessions. Btw, your mum is a legend!

youre a strong woman and you have an army behind you, in real life and on here x

@missmarple you are so brave and understandably had a wobble. I found it helpful to write down all the negative emotions and awful things my ex husband did so that when I had a wobble I would open up that book and read pages of how he tore me down, made me feel like I was going insane and doubt myself and all of a sudden that wobble was long gone and I would be more sure than ever. I left my ex husband 7 years ago in November, been divorced over 5 and I have absolutely NO regrets about leaving.