Are these things nice and normal, or are they red flags? I'm not used to this behaviour

[elephantsegypt]

New man from online dating, 7 weeks in. Met about 7 times but spoken daily on the phone and text, we both love chatting, it is fair to say it is not just him who has encouraged that. and usually, i wouldnt speak to someone that much at all, but we really have clicked.

however... he also does other things that i cant work out are nice or a red flag. worth noting that i have previously been with men who played games and werent particularly sensitive to my feelings, at least not consistently, so this sort of thing is new to me and i dont know if it is normal...

Things he does:

1. tells me if he has low battery/no signal/driving etc so that i know he's "not ignoring me"
2. often calls me if with friends to say he wanted to just let me know he now wont be able to speak for x number of hours and wanted a quick chat
3. when i say i am busy he totally accepts it and will stop messaging, go off the phone, cancel a potential plan without being moody - but then will contact me later on again
4. he's made it clear he hates games and so just says how he feels - tells me he likes me a lot and if i want to slow it down that is ok
5. i dont want anything beyond kissing at the moment and have been honest about that. he has accepted it without question.

not sure if relevant but he ended things with his ex of 4 years because he didnt want to marry her - this made me think he does have boundaries etc and is simply looking for the right person. his last relationship ended 8 months ago.

his consistency is what i always wanted in someone - but never found it in my exs who were very much up and down relationships...i know we are only two months in but there has been none of that here. no huge high or wondering if he will text or call, or whether he is dating others, no complicated issues to work through. i am out of my comfort zone - is his behaviour normal?

Sorry I misread that @SleepingStandingUp said ask to talk!!!

Mumsnet needs a facepalm emoji!

Usual texting has commenced. I really need to stop stressing.

Anyone know any books that might help with this?

Haha no worries glady.

No idea Re books, my mate pays £15,a week for counselling and we still have these conversation over coffee lol

I just want to learn to be calm and trusting.

I understand the importance of it but putting into practice is a whole other story

For goodness sake OP I really don’t think you should be in ANY relationship right now especially with someone who’s not done a damn thing wrong!

The only person playing games is you!!

Your first few posts start off by trying to find fault in something. Then it goes on to you telling him you want less contact and aren’t ready for a relationship, now you’re saying you really really like him and you’re worried you’ve messed up and want to see him ASAP

Poor guy needs to just walk away. He can’t and won’t ever win with you. Work on your self esteem and figure ot exactly what you do want from a relationship but right now I feel sorry for the guy.

The only one at fault here is you.

I know. I’m so suspicious and have totally swung the other way after my ex.

I want to continue seeing this man, I’m not ready for it to be official. Should I be by now?!

@Kennycalmit chill out! Op is trying!

In the nicest possible way ( but you need this)
You need to calm down.
Why are you telling him one thing when you mean the other?
You can't be miffed if contact slows after you instigated it!
Stop playing games. Chilll! This clearly isn't a man who wants high drama, so stop creating it.

OP nothing you read will help until you break it in your own mind- for me, like glagdy it happened when I met someone just steady and reliable and no game playing. I didn't know how to do it- until I just said to myself I was going to act like someone who expected the calm and steady approach, and behave like someone who was that too. I used a rubber band on my wrist- when i had a negative thought I pinged it and moved it to the other wrist- gradually, I started to see that it had stayed on the same wrist all day. I still have moments (have to talk myself out of looking at DPs phone when he's in the shower etc) but that has got easier too- the more you are treated well, the more you come to believe you are worth it. Be careful here though, as you are behaving erratically- and you don't want to start that in the face of calm.

Thank you so much. These posts have helped more than you all know.

Crochet - I might try that!!!

What crochet said. Meet him where he is avd where you want to be: open, honest, respectful.

The game-playing doesn’t actually protect anyone from getting hurt, it just makes everything complicated and messy. It’s ok to just be open and straightforward (and I have a theory it also scares off the twats; it’s harder to mess someone around when they’re clear about their own feelings and not ashamed or embarrassed by them).

OP you're doing your best by trying to be honest with him. You do not need to make it official at any specific point, I was just asking what would be different. Do you think it would have to he more physical, see him more often, do you think he'd change etc. Understanding why you don't want to give it a label and a job description can help work out why you do want.

You're doing ok. Do your paranoid crazy moments away from him and they will get less because there is no counter reaction to fuel them

I think it was jusy because it felt too soon. Only met him 7 weeks ago. It feels fast? So I immediately thought ‘red flag!’

Xx

DH and I met through POF and moved in after 4 months, engaged at 6 months, married at 18 months. I have questionable judgement on time scales hahaha

I’m not used to someone being nice. Full stop. Used to an agenda.

He is so nice to me, it almost makes me feel embarrassed. Which I’m aware says more about me than him !!

Sleeping that’s a nice story. X

Thank you.

It's OK to feel like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, first decent guy is scary. Just keep breathing and remember HE IS NOT YOUR STUPIDEX. Enjoy it!

No.2 would probably be a bit much for me at this stage but wouldn't call any of your points 'red flags'. Hope it goes well!

Yes I had met, married and moved abroad to be with my DH in the space of 5 months so I'm no good at sensible timelines either.

Why does his kindness make me feel uneasy and cringe sometimes? I KNOW they are lovely traits yet I freeze sometimes and feel like it’s so intense.

I’m used to men (one in particular) who put me down at every opportunity and always professed to be on my side but in actual fact wasn’t

I came on to say that he sounds like he has great manners and can communicate.
But I’m answer to your last post I think the response to kindness is fear of being vulnerable.
When you are being given stuff that you know opens your heart, but have had your heart hurt in the past, a part of you will back peddle.
It’s like your “ inner child” going “ No! I’ve been here before and it hurt!”.
I had to learn to be receptive and open without depending on a particular outcome. So heart AND eyes open. Not easy, but it ultimately worked for me.

Good luck with it x

Why does his kindness make me feel uneasy and cringe sometimes? I KNOW they are lovely traits yet I freeze sometimes and feel like it’s so intense.

A big thing to think of is that he is not actually being that kind and nice. He is just being a normal decent man. Again, at the start of my relationship, I would say 'You're so lovely' to my DP and he would reply with ' I'm really not, I am just behaving like a decent human being'
He was right- I had just had a terrible father and then terrible ex, so my expectations were way out of normal range

Because being nice to you is a form of control in an unhealthy relationship and you're so used to unhealthy relationships.

I love you means if I'm a dick you have to forgive me. I love you means putting up with my shit. I love you means I'll be nice tonight but maybe not tomorrow.

I was mean yesterday and you nearly saw the light so I'll reel you back in with chocolates and flowers and hearts and kindness and when you're back in fully I can go back to being an arse to you.
I'll be. Nice to you tonight so I can get sex or go out without you moaning or to stop you crying.

I'm being nice to you always comes with a cost.

Except it doesn't in a healthy relationship.

In a healthy relationship I'm nice to you means I like you, I care, I want you to be happy, I respect you. Full Stop. Not " and then I get a blow job or less nagging or get disguise the abuse"

You have a script that you follow in familiar circumstances. They govern all our relationships. You do this and I do that. And when they do something different it's unfamiliar so you try and get back in script.

It's actually less scary for this guy to be a dick because you know how that script goes. You know what to do and how to play it and where it ends.

But a nice guy has a different script. He doesn't know the games you expect so he gets confused when you point out he doesn't do stuff your ex's do. Or his ex's ayed them and he's worked hard to rewrite his own script and response too.

Actually Google books on internal scripts, they might be a good help.

These posts are so helpful, thank you so much. I’ve been so suspicious of this guy and yet when you put it like that it’s just what is expected isn’t it. He’s not being over the top necessarily, just trying to be nice to me!! I had a difficult relationship with both my parents and while they are still married i have never felt like they really respected my boundaries and i think If my mum was honest years ago she basically did whateve my dad said or wanted. Perhaps it is that mentality that I have adopted, as if I don’t really have the right to be treated fairly and equally and with respect

Sounds very likely Elephant. At least you know you want better for yourself and he might not be THE ONE but it honestly sounds like he's the RIGHT ONE for here and now