Are these things nice and normal, or are they red flags? I'm not used to this behaviour

[elephantsegypt]

New man from online dating, 7 weeks in. Met about 7 times but spoken daily on the phone and text, we both love chatting, it is fair to say it is not just him who has encouraged that. and usually, i wouldnt speak to someone that much at all, but we really have clicked.

however... he also does other things that i cant work out are nice or a red flag. worth noting that i have previously been with men who played games and werent particularly sensitive to my feelings, at least not consistently, so this sort of thing is new to me and i dont know if it is normal...

Things he does:

1. tells me if he has low battery/no signal/driving etc so that i know he's "not ignoring me"
2. often calls me if with friends to say he wanted to just let me know he now wont be able to speak for x number of hours and wanted a quick chat
3. when i say i am busy he totally accepts it and will stop messaging, go off the phone, cancel a potential plan without being moody - but then will contact me later on again
4. he's made it clear he hates games and so just says how he feels - tells me he likes me a lot and if i want to slow it down that is ok
5. i dont want anything beyond kissing at the moment and have been honest about that. he has accepted it without question.

not sure if relevant but he ended things with his ex of 4 years because he didnt want to marry her - this made me think he does have boundaries etc and is simply looking for the right person. his last relationship ended 8 months ago.

his consistency is what i always wanted in someone - but never found it in my exs who were very much up and down relationships...i know we are only two months in but there has been none of that here. no huge high or wondering if he will text or call, or whether he is dating others, no complicated issues to work through. i am out of my comfort zone - is his behaviour normal?

I'll probably get flamed but one thing that 'unavailable' men do is say that their phone is low on battery or I'm going to be 'off the radar' because of xxx. For you to comment on this after just 7 weeks, makes me wonder how often this happens. Also rather telling that he hasn't asked you to do it. In a nut-shell, HE doesn't want to be disturbed.
Sorry, otherwise and putting my 'spidey senses' aside, he sounds very considerate. Best of luck to you. x

This all sounds normal OP. Especially if you've indicated you're a bit fragile atm, it sounds like he's really keen to be supportive. I remember when I met my DP I could not believe that he always answered the phone no matter what he was doing. After years of game playing it felt weird...but nope nice and normal. Enjoy!

@TooOldForThis67

I'm not going to flame you but that sounds like huge paranoia to me, sorry. He sounds like just a lovely guy.

I said I wanted to still see him but he’s been a little distant since I said anything. Hope I haven’t messed this up.

I would say or do something to show how much you want to keep going. Initiate planning your next date and tell him how much you liked the last one. His confidence might have been knocked or he might just have taken you at your word to stop messaging you so much, without knowing your exact words it's hard to be sure.

Sounds like a decent, caring, normal human being who’s taking your feelings into account t and being open and honest

@Sethis - paranoia, nah, just that I dated a married man. OP asked if it could be a red flag and yeah, it could, but I really hope not.
To OP - he's probably thinking, oh shit, now I've blown it so he's backing off a little? It's now up to you to reassure him that you don't want him to back off, or do you?

I’ve told him I’m just cautious. He’s been nothing but understanding.

You are all right. The problem is me and not being relaxed!

Time to take a step back and start taking him at his word I think.

The recent conversation has just confirmed everything you have all said. He’s just so nice.

I feel terrible.

No need to feel terrible, so long as you've reassured him it's probably gone from his mind already. Don't beat yourself up over anything.

Looking for problems where there are none is the fastest way to kill a relationship.

I said i am cautious about wanting to get too involved too soon and we had spoken a lot during the weekend and it was starting to feel like a full on relationship which i wasnt ready for.

he asked if i wanted to just be friends. i said no. he said he was glad as he didnt want to mess about, he just wanted to know what it was i meant. i re assured him i liked him and that i wanted to take it slow. we then had a proper chat for half an hour.

i just feel like maybe i have pushed him away a little. which i suppose was what i wanted but now it has happened i realise all my stupid worries about bloody red flags and so on were silly where he is concerned. he really is just a nice man. i do hope he doesnt back off entirely now

I have similar with a guy I am dating. We just tell each other these things, to be considerate

Preface this comment with I am sure you are absolutely lovely, and deserve a loving relationship, etc. And also that after less than 2 months the point you are actually at sounds absolutely fine so maybe these issues will resolve as you gain trust and some confidence in your judgment

But have you actively done anything to work on yourself since previous relationships? It sounds like you are at serious risk of sabotaging the relationship, and of hurting this man. Who sounds nice enough.

You might not! But if you haven't sought any help then maybe now is the time to, to prevent this?

Apologies if that seems rude it's just that your posts read like you've had bad relationships, etc., and are aware of that and where they went wrong (good) but there's no mention of what you've done to help yourself be able to trust your instincts (and for this instincts to be accurate, which they currently don't sound to be). I have read the thread twice so hope I haven't missed anything (e.g. freedom programme, counselling, other steps).

Thanks for your message.

I have started counselling. I feel terrible that I assumed the worst with this lovely man. He may or may not be the right one, but he’s certainly a decent one. I don’t want to hurt him.

I like him lots I’m just so fragile from previous relationship that I want to take it so slowly. Sex isn’t even on my agenda for the foreseeable either. I mean real slow.

Everyone is being so horrible to this OP. "say what now??

Who is being horrible? But my husband of 15 years will still let me know if he’s going to be unavailable for X amount of time (long series of meetings etc), has never ever played games, is much more openly affectionate than I am, has never ever pestered me, including for sex. Plus, he does more than his share of the housework, accepts and always has that childcare is a joint expense, is an equal parent etc etc etc. It was only when I discovered MN when DS1 was tiny that I realised that this was apparently quite unusual. 🙄🙄

Kosha not so unusual 🙂- DP is the same in what you describe of your H. Pleasant change after a shitty ex.

Listing the good points about a person then questioning as if it's wrong or odd to be a decently behaved man whilst getting to know a woman is what made me roll eyes at this post.

I suppose I was also thinking a bit about numerous posts I see on here where men meet a woman and very soon are completely taking the piss. & yet now a man is suspect for acting as a man should should...maybe consensus should've been LTB, he's too nice

Isabella has posted that exact same cut/pasted reply on at least one other thread.

Now that is a form of trolling

Yeah, I spent the first 6 months ot relationship with DH in low grade panic because he behaved like a sane human being and I couldnt process that! It happens when youve dated a number of shits over the years, the mind accustoms to the in sanity.

I’m worried I’ve messed this up by telling him these ‘are you ok ‘ messages aren’t necessary...he’s definitely more quiet than usual.

Just carry on messaging as usual. He does something instinctively and you've told him you don't like it. He needs to now readjust but if you carry on like everything is fine it's more likely it will be.

Or tell him that.

He hasn’t messaged in much longer than usual. Not sure what to make of that or whether I should contact him or leave it?

I did make it clear I wanted to carry on as we were but just didn’t want him to consider us as on the brink of a relationship because I wasn’t at that stage yet.

OK I think if you've TOLD him this ISNT a relationship then I can understand why it's confusing.
I assume you aren't seeing anyone else? Don't want him to? Enjoy spending time with him and kissing, holding hands etc?
What of that isn't a relationship?