Are these things nice and normal, or are they red flags? I'm not used to this behaviour

[elephantsegypt]

New man from online dating, 7 weeks in. Met about 7 times but spoken daily on the phone and text, we both love chatting, it is fair to say it is not just him who has encouraged that. and usually, i wouldnt speak to someone that much at all, but we really have clicked.

however... he also does other things that i cant work out are nice or a red flag. worth noting that i have previously been with men who played games and werent particularly sensitive to my feelings, at least not consistently, so this sort of thing is new to me and i dont know if it is normal...

Things he does:

1. tells me if he has low battery/no signal/driving etc so that i know he's "not ignoring me"
2. often calls me if with friends to say he wanted to just let me know he now wont be able to speak for x number of hours and wanted a quick chat
3. when i say i am busy he totally accepts it and will stop messaging, go off the phone, cancel a potential plan without being moody - but then will contact me later on again
4. he's made it clear he hates games and so just says how he feels - tells me he likes me a lot and if i want to slow it down that is ok
5. i dont want anything beyond kissing at the moment and have been honest about that. he has accepted it without question.

not sure if relevant but he ended things with his ex of 4 years because he didnt want to marry her - this made me think he does have boundaries etc and is simply looking for the right person. his last relationship ended 8 months ago.

his consistency is what i always wanted in someone - but never found it in my exs who were very much up and down relationships...i know we are only two months in but there has been none of that here. no huge high or wondering if he will text or call, or whether he is dating others, no complicated issues to work through. i am out of my comfort zone - is his behaviour normal?

Remember he isn’t playing games. You told him to back off slightly and he has.
If you want to resume normal, be normal.

Have you texted him this morning?

Basically I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I really really liked him and wasn’t seeing anyone else and I didn’t want to. He said he understood that and he didn’t want to mess around and would like to see me again. He sort of apologised for texting so much which I felt awful about. Then we proceeded to have a long chat as we usually do and then said goodnight.

I’m not sure if anything was actually off, or I was just imagining it because of what I had said.

Either way he hasn’t contacted me today yet and usually would. I haven’t messaged him.

Right.

Message him.

That simple.

Whatever you'd normally message. About the weather. About missing him. About anything at all quite frankly.

You're both sitting there thinking oh I've not had a text today xx

Ahhh I hate this. How do I resolve it? Lesson well and truly learned where he is concerned - he’s not my ex!!

Ok, I’ve messaged something I would typically say....

Hope he’s not woken up thinking I’m crackers!

Then message him.

Set the tone for how you want this relationship to go. You want to talk, so talk

Exactly Ele, he is NOT you ex. Repeat that to yourself every time you think that something must mean X because stupider would have done it. You're relationship mantra is "he's not my stupid ex"

It will get easier

Cross post.

Good you messaged.

From all the evidence you have, he isn’t playing games. So don’t try and play games with him.

Aussie has it.

Sometimes we're so used to playing games that even when the other person isn't interested in playing, we're still lobbing balls over the net.

You try and provoke him subconsciously into a reaction like stupidX to prove all men are the same.

They're not. Stop throwing balls at him

What if I’ve ruined this?

I guess if he’s not going to reply or takes issue with what I said then he’s not worth it is he.

I think he sounds great- Highs and Lows are out- steady reliable respect is in

Sounds like he's been messed around d before and been with a jealous/paranoid person so he's informing you he's away etc so you don't mad text him too.

I think all that needs to be said is you're happy he doesn't need to tell you he's busy you'll hear from him when he's finished.

But if you're not feeling it or you feel somethings up, trust it. If something is uncomfortable to you it may not be a universal red flag but it is a personal one.

So he’s read my message but hasn’t replied.

Maybe playing a game after all?

He sounds like he is trying to do what you want to make you feel comfortable- don't beat yourself up too much or think you have ruined it- that's falling back into high/low drama territory- why not just message a totally normal message, something funny, end with a question so he has to reply and you lead how much texting you want for a while. He sounds like he's trying to follow your lead so step up and set the pace.

Maybe he's having the same internal dilemmas as you. What kind of thing did you yext? Is he at work?

I did message and I know he’s read it but just not replied. I could see he was online but just hadn’t clicked on my text.

I find that a bit weird.

I just said something I normally would, asked a question

And yeah, even he isn't OK with what you need Inn a relationship then it isn't the right relationship. Doesn't make him a bad guy buy sometimes people can't give each other the right thing.

Try and carry on as normal today so if you'd normally text something interesting even if he doesn't reply then do that.

When are you due to see him next?

Hmm so he’s replied cheerily and just answered my question but not engaged in a chat or asked me anything. I think I might just leave it now. I don’t think what I said warrants him taking some sort of stance

So def something he needs to reply to.

I think give it a couple of hours and see. You don't know why he hasn't replied, you just think you do. You might be right but you don't know so give him the benefit of the doubt for now

I had train wreck after train wreck of relationships.

The ups and downs like you've mentioned.

Then I started seeing a guy JUST like the one you're describing.

We're now married 6 years with a 5 year old ds and he's the best father and husband I could imagine.

Cross post.

When are you due to see him again?
You asked him to back off - he is.

OK maybe now then you wanted but I think you just both need to find your equilibrium and that's hard by text

Due to see him the end of the week.

The frustrating thing is I really liked him. I just felt so cautious about rushing into something. And in sharing that information I have obviously hurt his feelings or made him back off a bit.

I think without seeing him face to face this is going to feel shit for me, even if we can conduct usual texting

It's a delicate dance but what did you expect to happen after that chat? I don't mean that in a horrible way! If he is into you and wants a relationship and you're saying you don't right now he's obviously going to back off a bit surely? It's not game playing to take some time to think of his reply- If he's the thoughtful guy I imagine him to be he will be overthinking every text now.

I think I might just leave it now.

Don't do this - why not ask him when you are next seeing each other and just talk in person about it- it's hard to sense tone by text and if you're both there smiling at each other- it will feel a lot better