Are these things nice and normal, or are they red flags? I'm not used to this behaviour

[elephantsegypt]

New man from online dating, 7 weeks in. Met about 7 times but spoken daily on the phone and text, we both love chatting, it is fair to say it is not just him who has encouraged that. and usually, i wouldnt speak to someone that much at all, but we really have clicked.

however... he also does other things that i cant work out are nice or a red flag. worth noting that i have previously been with men who played games and werent particularly sensitive to my feelings, at least not consistently, so this sort of thing is new to me and i dont know if it is normal...

Things he does:

1. tells me if he has low battery/no signal/driving etc so that i know he's "not ignoring me"
2. often calls me if with friends to say he wanted to just let me know he now wont be able to speak for x number of hours and wanted a quick chat
3. when i say i am busy he totally accepts it and will stop messaging, go off the phone, cancel a potential plan without being moody - but then will contact me later on again
4. he's made it clear he hates games and so just says how he feels - tells me he likes me a lot and if i want to slow it down that is ok
5. i dont want anything beyond kissing at the moment and have been honest about that. he has accepted it without question.

not sure if relevant but he ended things with his ex of 4 years because he didnt want to marry her - this made me think he does have boundaries etc and is simply looking for the right person. his last relationship ended 8 months ago.

his consistency is what i always wanted in someone - but never found it in my exs who were very much up and down relationships...i know we are only two months in but there has been none of that here. no huge high or wondering if he will text or call, or whether he is dating others, no complicated issues to work through. i am out of my comfort zone - is his behaviour normal?

Oops sorry just saw your update.

I think you've maybe put him off saying you aren't ready for a relationship. Not your fault, it is what it is but also not his fault if that's what he's after.

I'd also be a little at someone making the comment about the 'are you ok?' texts. It would put me off a bit if I'm honest.

Yeah I think we need to see each other to sort of both understand each other fully.

I think I need to put it out of my head until j see him. I feel awful that I’ve made him feel uncomfortable but it’s much better chatting in person isn’t it.

Neither of you has done anything wrong but you're not quite in the same place I think.

Despite what you say I could see how if I was the guy I would think you weren't that keen. He maybe wants something more definite, someone who is really sure, happy to have met him and who will just enjoy getting to know each other rather than worrying about/analysing every small thing so early on. Anyway on texts things communication can be misunderstood, misconstrued and misinterpreted. Too risky to have meaningful conversations by texting.

You do appear unsure and distrustful, have asked him to back off and sadly maybe put the seed of doubt in his mind. Sometimes it's always best to keep our thoughts, fears and doubts to ourselves or share with a friend. Be cautious but not tell the person you are being cautious....their own alarm bells will be going off. Just see how it pans out. 7 weeks/7 meetings is nothing, and too early for heart to hearts.

I would just try to be as normal as you can for now. If you can see him earlier in the week suggest it maybe. But he's trying to back off like you asked, you just need to find your zone again

Do you think I’ve ruined this?

We’ve had a short chat this morning but he is quieter.

You sound like my friend, everything is analysed to the nth degree and it's exhausting!
It's Monday morning, he's probably busy. He sounds like a good guy, if you want this to be something then I would try and relax a bit.

He’s perhaps unsure what you want. He sounds lovely though. I reckon a face-to-face chat will help.

Not yet op but you still can.

You said can you back off a bit, I really like you but I'm not ready for labels.
He's backed off.
Now you're questioning why because usually this is a game play to make you beg for their attention.

He. Is. Not. Your. Ex.

He has kindly done what you wanted and now you're panicking because he ACTUALLY DID IT not made you feel like shit.

Stop. Breathe. Make a drink. Have cake. Whatever works.

Thanks for the kind messages.

I am now in a situation where his lack of messages are making me feel he IS playing a game.

I like him so much and don’t want to mess this up. Would it be a mistake to ask to see him sooner than Thursday?

I'm sorry op but the only person that seems to be playing a game is you!

You've told him you don't like him messaging you too much or asking if you're ok.

You've told him you don't want a relationship. Honestly, if I were him I'd be thinking twice about the whole thing!!!

He's doing what he thinks you want also! Poor guy can't win.

I know that’s what I’m worried about.

Not sure what to do. He is chatting but is a little less forward.

What is it about it being a relationship that scared you op? Because daily chats, exclusive, snogging. What would be different if it was a relationship?

Because I think the problem is is you want to be in a relationship but you're scared of A RELATIONSHIP

Try to relax OP
You're talking about a person who you've only seen 7 times- if you're anything like I used to be, the thought that you might have scared him off is now making him seem like the love of your life and now you've ruined it, he's immediately going to go off and find someone else, and you'll regret it forever etc etc...
You are creating the drama! (no judgement this is my natural state too)
Keep it light and chatty, calm yourself down, don't make it a drama by bringing the date forward- just be normal until Friday- then you can talk about it or not- whatever feels right on Friday.

So grateful for you all chatting this through with me!!

I do want a relationship. It scares me, being with someone nice almost feels too real!!

I thought suggesting seeing him sooner would be good, show him I care rather than just telling him?

If you want to see him sooner, tell him. If he says he can't then accept its last minute and most of us have plans a week in advance.

I don't think it could hurt. You seriously need to stop tying yourself in knots about this. You'll project yourself as more desperate.

Dating is the fun part op! (Well, unless they're an asshole and he doesn't seem to be.) Enjoy it for what it is and try to stop thinking of the future.

You sound like you're an over anxious over thinker like me though. Stuff that's meant to be fun can quickly become otherwise!

Def go for hey do you fancy doing x on y day rather than can I see you y day I want to talk

NO! Not I want to talk!!!

Jesus, that would make my blood run cold!

You’re all so right!

I do NOT want to mess this up. I really don’t.

I know it’s early days but he is a good person, I can tell. Perhaps the fact it’s srill early days works in my favour as I can get my shit together haha.

I think I will just not read into any perceived distance and then when we meet if I feel the need we could have a chat. I might ask to meet sooner but will be prepared for him to say no!

Glady I said NO to asking to talk, as in just suggest fun / making out to a bad movie / food

Personally I wouldn’t ask to see him sooner. Just see him as usual. I can’t see that you’ve done anything wrong. You’ve set boundaries, he’s respected them generally. Good. The ‘Are you ok?’ Thing is too much and rightly called him on it. He’s still messaging but holding back a little. Good. You don’t need to apologise or come on strong or anything. Just carry on as usual. If he walks away then he isn’t the right guy for you.

wait until you see him and speak in person! explain to him in person hopefully he understands