Are these things nice and normal, or are they red flags? I'm not used to this behaviour

[elephantsegypt]

New man from online dating, 7 weeks in. Met about 7 times but spoken daily on the phone and text, we both love chatting, it is fair to say it is not just him who has encouraged that. and usually, i wouldnt speak to someone that much at all, but we really have clicked.

however... he also does other things that i cant work out are nice or a red flag. worth noting that i have previously been with men who played games and werent particularly sensitive to my feelings, at least not consistently, so this sort of thing is new to me and i dont know if it is normal...

Things he does:

1. tells me if he has low battery/no signal/driving etc so that i know he's "not ignoring me"
2. often calls me if with friends to say he wanted to just let me know he now wont be able to speak for x number of hours and wanted a quick chat
3. when i say i am busy he totally accepts it and will stop messaging, go off the phone, cancel a potential plan without being moody - but then will contact me later on again
4. he's made it clear he hates games and so just says how he feels - tells me he likes me a lot and if i want to slow it down that is ok
5. i dont want anything beyond kissing at the moment and have been honest about that. he has accepted it without question.

not sure if relevant but he ended things with his ex of 4 years because he didnt want to marry her - this made me think he does have boundaries etc and is simply looking for the right person. his last relationship ended 8 months ago.

his consistency is what i always wanted in someone - but never found it in my exs who were very much up and down relationships...i know we are only two months in but there has been none of that here. no huge high or wondering if he will text or call, or whether he is dating others, no complicated issues to work through. i am out of my comfort zone - is his behaviour normal?

Also in answer to a post above, he doesn’t expect the same from me I don’t think, at least he doesn’t make that known if he does.

And yes I have told him a little about my past.

I feel uncertain because there’s no game. A game I used to hate but was good at playing and became used to and comforted by! Embarrsssed to even say that.

He sounds great! Hope things work out for you both.

One other thing, he will sometimes say ‘are you ok’ If I haven’t responded in a while.

I don’t like that but then I have set a precedent of being in contact frequently so I guess he’s being nice and I am over thinking!

He has never made any demands on me as in he won’t push to meet if I don’t want to, he will accept it if I don’t want to have a phone call. But by the same token he’s not afraid of asking to meet or asking to call!!

This should be a given fundamental of any healthy relationship. It's very basic respect and the fact that you think this is strange is very sad.

I feel so sorry for him. To be behaving as he is (i.e. impeccably) and still be regarded with suspicion. Red flags? Maybe your attitude is a red flag.

I was just trying to explain how he is very keen but not pushy.

I know that wouldn’t be ok if he was suddenly turning up!

insomniac I take your point and need to thank about that for sure

OP you sound like my best friend.

rEvery guy was drama. Big declarations, big gifts so she'd think they were into her. But no consistency, texting one moment then huge sulks the next. She'd have to work hard to keep them interested but they'd back off when she was keen and get needy when she wasn't. It was soo exhausting. One still in love with an ex but in deni@l. One a creepy stalker guy.

She's met a new guy and he's just NORMAL. He tells her how he feels, if he's available or not, doesn't strategically call every time we have coffee. They've had weekends away and he's accepted no sex. But he seems really smitten.

He isn't as showy as her ex's, he isn't as typically good looking but he's really really what she needs.

They've had theoretical conversations about the next stage and he conversed like a grown up not some guy who won't ever be pinned down by a woman.

He is the guy I'd pick for her because she FINALLY feels safe and secure. He isn't perfect but he's open. He communicates.

I really really really hope it works out for them.

Abd you.

If it just feels new and odd - and therefore a bit unsettling - rather than suffocating and uncomfortable, then it seems ok to me.

The only bit that puzzled me slightly was whether your point 2 was something that only happens (or always happens) when he knows you're with your friends as a way to interrupt you socialising with them? If not, then it seems ok too.

Did you ever do the Freedom Programme after your previous relationships? Just asking because towards the end (after all the healthy vs abusive relationship stuff) it spends time covering how to spot warning signs, how to readjust to healthy relationships, etc, and I'm wondering if you would find it helpful in regaining some trust in your instincts and your assessment of the relationship so far?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

sleeping that is exactly like my relationship history. I could be distant and they would be all over me. Then nothing when I showed I cared. Basically zero consistency and yes, big declarations of love then huge rows! It was exhausting but I did come to love the highs, they felt great after an argument. But I have done work on myself the last few months. I want a family and a husband not unavailable men who want games.

This is all new to me. He is constantly understanding, I know it is very early days but he’s upfront with me and from what I can tell from his last relationship he made the decision because he didn’t want to have children with the wrong person just because it could have been easy.

Ahh it feels scary!

You are out of your comfort zone.

I'm surprised you haven't used the word boring as well as scary.
You might miss the highs but are they worth the lows?

Give him a chance op and see how it goes. Over time as you begin to trust him more, then you'll see if you really like him for himself enough.

He would never call when knowing I am with friends, at all.

As most normal people wouldn't!

I know that ignoramous - just answering the question!

Good luck OP, he sounds a good guy

This is not a bad boy here; bad boys are just that - bad. "Normal" relationships are not framed around drama and/or full of mountainous highs and deep crushing lows.

I would also recommend you enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme and do that in person.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, think about this in depth. Was your dad also emotionally unavailable and played such games with your mother and you as well. That may well be why you've been attracted to such men to date; that was all you knew. No-one perhaps bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is actually like and to date you still did not know. Now this man is showing you differently.

He sounds lovely! Good luck OP

He sounds considerate and respectful. It’s nice not to have to worry about game playing- enjoy it and try not to treat him with suspicion or he might not be keen to stick around.

One other thing, he will sometimes say ‘are you ok’ If I haven’t responded in a while.

If this bugs you it might be worth having a very very gentle chat where you just say "I love that you want to make sure everything is fine, but please understand I have my own life and I might sometimes be busy with something. I can't always respond right away, and because I'm human I might sometimes just forget! But it doesn't mean I don't like you, and it doesn't mean there's any problems. I'll be up front and tell you if there are, I promise." And that should be enough for him to not message you for answers to previous texts.

I think he sounds great and you've found a rare gem!

It's not like he's being overly clingy and constantly trying to communicate with you when you've told him you're out, he gives you your space and just generally seems really respectful!

Enjoy it!

Wow, you could have been me a few months ago. Having always been in abusive relationships, I finally met someone "normal" and at first I found normal, odd, don't get me wrong it was lovely and felt so good but it was so unknown because I didn't know what normal really was... so I didn't really know how to react, and I struggled for a little while. He too was really respectful of things like if I didn't feel up to going out, or talking on the phone, then he was absolutely fine with that. Non pushy but made suggestions and didn't mind if I said no.

He was also very aware and understanding of my anxieties. 6 months later and we're still together, and our relationship is still just as amazing and strong. No drama, no big arguments, just a lovely happy relationship with a normal life.

Enjoy it, and recognise that's it's ok for you to feel how you do.

I don’t think this guy stands a chance to be honest. I read your full post thinking “what is her problem??” - sorry but I did

I can’t see any fault in any of those things yet you’re questioning whether him having basic respect for you is a red flag it’s going to end up whether regardless of what he does/doesn’t do you’ll never be happy and still expect the worse. And from his point of view having been there myself, it’s exhausting.

I agree with another poster that actually your attitude and way of thinking would be a huge red flag for me. In the nicest way possible as a grown adult I couldn’t deal with someone so insecure - I think you need to work on your self esteem

Your list describes everything I have always wanted in a relationship with a man.

So, I asked him about the ‘are you ok’ messages. He said he was just being nice and that if I wasn’t into things that was fine but equally he wanted to still see me and would be sad if we didn’t carry on.

I said I wanted to still see him but he’s been a little distant since I said anything. Hope I haven’t messed this up.

If I were asked not to do something that came within my natural range of niceness (so to speak), I'd have to concentrate to reign it in and adjust my behaviour accordingly. Which would result in a period of uncertainty and unnaturalness. I would have to need time to create a kind of 'controller' ....