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Original poster

Advice for the OW

314 replies

babycow38 · 21/09/2018 02:32

I can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

OP posts:
Hmm12121 · 23/09/2018 21:36

You know I’m more proud of my children. This has been a hard time for them but they have stayed so strong and so true to themselves. They have also got me through an awful time. I had to be strong, I had my wonderful, funny, kind children to be strong for. Someone had to be there for them!
My hatred for him and her is not about what they did to me, it’s about what they did to the children. I could never ever do that to children. I would never ever do that to another person!!

Hmm12121 · 23/09/2018 21:39

It’s still tough sometimes but we get through. It’s maibly only tough when he’s being an arse Hmm

Hmm12121 · 23/09/2018 21:39

Like now.....😏

Robin2323 · 23/09/2018 22:00

Best send the ow a bunch of Flowers then Thanks
So if you fancy a married man go for it.
Good one

zsazsajuju · 23/09/2018 22:16

I think there are ofc different circumstances in every case. In my parents circumstances, I would say that their marriage had been over for a long time and they were just staying together because it was easier. In those circumstances I don’t blame my father for leaving my mother or even for having an affair (she was abusive). But I do blame him for being a bad parent to me and my siblings. And for not making an effort to see us.

I think no one should have an affair with a married man (that is what we are talking about) but there is a spectrum of behavior here in the ow - from good people who are flawed (as we all are) who strike up a relationship to the “predatory” types some were talking about earlier on the thread throwing themselves at the footballers, etc.

So I suppose I am defending the ow to some degree now! I don’t think they are always some evil creature who is out to “steal” your husband. She’s just a person. Often not a very good one but not necessarily. I just think that it’s different in different circumstances and we should recognize that sometimes people grow apart. people should be honest and end one thing before starting another. But they don’t because people make mistakes. As a child I could have forgiven my father for that in time. But I couldn’t forgive him for failing to be a father to me and making no effort to even see me.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 23/09/2018 22:18

So if you fancy a married man go for it.

Or if you are a married man, do right by your family.

GloomyMonday · 23/09/2018 22:22

"Gloomy, not so much of a handy list as just an opinion which again, is all about the OW and not a whiff of reference to the MM"

Because I was answering a question specifically about the ow, that's why. I think it was something like 'what does ow have to apologise for' or something similar.

And yes my opinion, isn't that what we're all doing? Or do you imagine your opinion has somehow been elevated to a loftier status?

GloomyMonday · 23/09/2018 22:24

Some people seem very hung up on semantics. Can't we just agree that mm is 100% to blame for betraying his family but ow is a shitbag for thinking that's an admirable trait in a partner?

Properjob · 23/09/2018 22:31

To my Dads other woman...now we reach the point you signed up for. You have looked after him for a long time, he is old and infirm you are only just beginning to age. He is in hospital. You were determined to get this serial womaniser 40 years ago and you did. But you couldn't have children with him. His leaving us has scarred us all for life. Now, you hold all his money, he left none to his children me and my brother although you already have much more. I wish you the joy of it. What an empty life you have had.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/09/2018 22:31

Gloomy, on that post, I will concur. :)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/09/2018 22:33

Gloomy, it's your last post I was agreeing with, not your chippier one before... Confused

My opinion holds no more weight than yours but I don't present facts as opinion either.

Virtuallyconfused · 23/09/2018 22:35

As someone who could be classed as the OW, I have no or few feelings of guilt towards his wife. He's made a choice, why would I second guess him or try and turn him back towards a relationship which although solid, isn't giving him what he needs?

I have no wish to break up his relationship or mine. But the lesser if the evils is to have something which supplements our core relationships.

I would expect her anger should be directed at him, not me.

zsazsajuju · 23/09/2018 22:40

Properjob - how do you know what your dad has left and to whom if he is in hospital? If he was a serial womaniser, did you know it before he left? Were you more scarred by him leaving you think, even though you knew about his affairs? Did you keep contact with him? Interested to know if you want to discuss.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 23/09/2018 22:45

Can't we just agree that mm is 100% to blame for betraying his family but ow is a shitbag for thinking that's an admirable trait in a partner?

No, apparently we can't because:

a) several posters have been very explicit that they hold the OW at least partly accountable for the family betrayal (and therefore, not the MM 100%)

b) of those who do claim to believe this, there are several for whom the focus of their invective suggests otherwise.

BrownPaperTeddy · 23/09/2018 23:01

If the OW/OM bear no responsibility for a marriage breakdown why are they able to be named in the divorce?

Does that not mean that the law is seeing them as partly responsible?

GloomyMonday · 23/09/2018 23:12

Virtually. I agree that he's to blame for betraying his wife.

But he is doing an awful thing, a proven cheat and liar who deceives his wife and dc every day. His wife may detect a change in him at some point and be confused and sad. Should the affair come to light, she may be devastated.

You're not to blame for that, but how can you find him attractive, knowing all of that, knowing his character?

And wouldn't you be a better, kinder person if you just quietly walked away and decided not to be a part of it? Sure, he'll find someone else to cheat with, but it won't be you. So many single guys, I don't understand it at all.

Raspberry66 · 23/09/2018 23:15

Lying and Ayn speak wisdom on this subject as they always do when it comes up.

A PP (possibly one of the above) said that the reason they were trying to get people to lay the blame entirely on the cheating H is that demonising the OW is actually damaging to the betrayed W.

DPs XW still refers to the woman he had a brief affair with a decade ago as a bitch and lays some of the blame for their break up on her. In reality DP was to blame for not addressing the issues in their relationship and instead having an affair. Then when they got back together they were both to blame for not addressing the ongoing issues.

She appears to have been obsessed with getting him to marry her to prove that she had 'won' against 'the bitch' and that she was the 'chosen one'. Seven years later she got her wish. They were married.

They hadn't had sex for five years at that point (she wrote this in a letter to him after he left trying to persuade him to go back to her as he'd never find anyone else because he was 'impotent and no other woman would put up with that').

Less than a year after the wedding he approached me (I was single), we started a relationship, this time he fell in love and left.

I feel no guilt, if I'd turned him down it would've made no difference to their relationship. Other than they might still be together with her ignorant of the fact that he had approached another woman for a relationship. Would she be in a better position? Of course not. I'd argue that she's far better off without him.

All three of us are adults and made our choices (btw they have no children). He absolutely treated her very badly and he knows I think that. For the avoidance of stereotyping, I'm 10 years older than she is and I do have DCs.

WeeMcBeastie · 23/09/2018 23:18

Actually BrownPaperTeddy I think you’ll find that naming the OW/OM in a divorce is actively discouraged these days!

GloomyMonday · 23/09/2018 23:23

"Lying and Ayn speak wisdom on this subject as they always do when it comes up."

Think your opinion might be biased.

"DPs XW still refers to the woman he had a brief affair with a decade ago as a bitch."

Well she might be. Some women are. My sister's ow discussed earlier certainly was, with completely unnecessary taunting messages.

" In reality DP was to blame for not addressing the issues in their relationship and instead having an affair."

You'd better not develop any issues in your relationship then, since you know what his response will be. I think you should've aimed higher tbh.

Properjob · 23/09/2018 23:24

Zsazsa, think brother and I both emotionally damaged. I'm getting divorced now, have to accept my part in that...I didn't see Dad for years as my Mum had a full blown breakdown before she recovered and has had a brilliant second life. Though she has never forgiven him. Until I had kids then I did but we don't have a real relationship. I envy women who've had loving fathers it really shows they are full of self esteem Smile. Obviously he's on the way out now,there will be many mixed feelings. I try to accept my father's marriage, his wife is only 6 years older than me. During my divorce I asked him about inheritance as part of my own finance disclosure. I couldn't believe it, not a penny. Isn't the amount, but NOTHING. Not sure wife even wants that TBH! Thanks for asking it's good to talk.

GloomyMonday · 23/09/2018 23:25

"Actually BrownPaperTeddy I think you’ll find that naming the OW/OM in a divorce is actively discouraged these days!"

Only because they deny it or refuse to sign the paperwork and it's hard to prove without incurring significant costs for very little gain.

Still very much possible to name them, my sister did.

BrownPaperTeddy · 23/09/2018 23:30

Actually BrownPaperTeddy I think you’ll find that naming the OW/OM in a divorce is actively discouraged these days!"

It might be discouraged but isn't that because if they are named then they have to sign the papers and if they refuse it delays the process?

The point is that the law still finds the OW/OM responsible, at least in part.

Raspberry66 · 23/09/2018 23:31

I think you should've aimed higher tbh

Thanks for your fake concern Gloomy but there's no need to worry, he and I have a very different relationship, not that I expect you to believe me but, know what? That doesn't actually matter.

WeeMcBeastie · 23/09/2018 23:33

Gloomy - Or maybe because most people can actually see that the responsibility lies with cheating spouse?
I could have named my EH’s OW in my divorce, I didn’t because he willingly cheated on me, if it hadn’t been her then it would have been another OW! While I don’t like her for many reasons, some irrelevant to this post, she did not hold a gun to his head and force him to cheat, just as she isn’t responsible for him being a shite father either.

GloomyMonday · 23/09/2018 23:37

"Gloomy - Or maybe because most people can actually see that the responsibility lies with cheating spouse? "

No that's not the reason, it's what I said, if sister's solicitor is to be believed I suppose.

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