Advice for the OW

[babycow38]

I can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

Seriously, what's the point of marriage at all in these circumstances? Instead of 'for better, for worse' we should be saying 'until one of us says we're unhappy, at which point both parties agree to move on and end it all immediately, never looking back

You don't actually have to make that particular vow to marry. Divorce is always an option (except if you're a practising Catholic or some such) and most people would agree that that's how it should be. Even if there isn't abuse or some such, if two people or even one person are miserable in their marriage, why should they be forced to stay in it?

I also don't think there are many people who take divorce lightly.

So whether the ow is responsible OR not for breaking up a marriage.
I think we could ALL agree that
Having an affair will cause the wife pain.
And the wife's pain is what she is responsible for.

"... and if you're NOT saying that they're responsible for MM's marriage, then what exactly is it that they are responsible for?"

I already answered that one upthread, at 10:39, in a handy list.

Having an affair will cause the wife pain. And the wife's pain is what she is responsible for.

It will cause the wife pain because the man who promised her he would never do this has done this. The man is responsible for her pain because he's the one who had the duty of care towards her.

As I can't seem to repeat enough: we have ascertained that if he is willing to cheat, and held back only by lack of opportunity, then he has done the damage even when there is no OW at all.

I don't even understand how these thought processes work. Posters saying that OW should bear the same amount of the fallout as the MM. If she's unattached with no kids, how is that even possible? She has no hostages to fortune, no responsibilities. What precisely should happen to her as an equivalent to the man being kicked out of his marriage and family home?

Ultimately, the wife is not in pain because a woman had sex with a man. She's in pain because the man who pledged himself to her had sex with someone else. It's his situation and his responsibility that's destroying her.

And, of course (yawn), if he's prepared to cheat then he's done the damage even if there isn't an OW to cheat with.

That's it.

Robin, Well no. I'd agree that an affair causes a wife pain but her husband is ultimately responsible for causing that pain. Why are you making OW responsible for that?

Gloomy, not so much of a handy list as just an opinion which again, is all about the OW and not a whiff of reference to the MM.

I won't stand by and watch women berating an OW/OM because their spouses can't be faithful. Fact is, if husbands kept it in their trousers, forsaking all others as they promised to do, there would be no OW so perhaps take it up with them? They're the ones that promised to care about you and obviously don't.

You just want to lash out at OW, as usual, because your misplaced anger diverts your attention from the fact that you have a husband who thinks so little of his marriage that he will risk losing it. What a prize!

cross-posted with the excellent Ayn.

Anyone remember a thread from a year or two ago where an OW (now married to the man - they slept together for a few weeks before ending their dead marriages and getting together) had her hand fractured by the wife? And it was full of people saying that as an OW she deserved broken bones and that she should have tried to stop the CPS prosecuting the wife? (Yeah, good luck with that.)

It gets loopy sometimes.

The wife gets the whole bread loaf....
Shared history
Children
Weekends
Evenings
Holidays
Christmas
A lift home from work

None of which mean shit when it's built on lies, and the partner is a husband who either intends, to or actually, shags around.

My oh has cheated. And I blame both of them equally, but I'm so disappointed in the ow. Known her for alot longer than my oh and classed her as a good friend. I've forgiven because it made my emotional healing easier, but I've not forgotten. Its difficult to come away from the anger, but once you can it gets easier.

People who lie to their partners and seek a sexual relationship outside of the relationship without their consent are culpable.

People who knowingly enter into a sexual relationship with people who are in monogamous relationships with other people are culpable.

I don't particularly care what gender or percentage of blame you wish to assign to it.

I remember that one, Ayn, I also recall posting on it to say that the OW should press charges. I think the ex-wife was a teacher and posters were jumping on that saying that she wouldn't be able to teach again. Well no, if you behave like a violent thug then that has consequences.

I swear that some (quite a few) posters here would like to bring in stoning of OW. They wouldn't want the same to happen to their cheating spouses though, oh no. Just get that OW out of the way permanently.

It's ridiculous.

Wellshit, I can't imagine how difficult that must have been and I've mentioned that upthread, where there is a double-betrayal.

I personally wouldn't have forgiven either of them and they'd both be out of my life for good.

So true, Brash. It's touted as some kind of marvellous thing but, if you have a spouse that isn't faithful - or wouldn't be if they could only find somebody - what's the point?

That's a bit of a non-statement, cubic, culpable just means 'blameworthy'. It's the responsibility that counts - and that's on the cheating spouse, all of it.

I will repeat.
The husband deserves blame.
BUT the ow must take some responsibility.
My best friend husband didn't have sex with the ow.
But the ow really liked to turn the knife.
Ow was cruel and selfish

I don't like cruel people.
Cruel and selfish.
And people are defending them.
My friend has forgiven but won't forget.
There are plenty of decent single men out there.
There really is no excuse.

Society un general prefers to blame the OW. I was publicly shamed at the school gates, at the GP surgery, on Instagram... My car got vandalised. Did the MM get any of that? ZERO. Apart from having a very upset exW his life continued.

Robin, sorry but you're wrong. The responsibility is with the cheating spouse. You're projecting and being unreasonable because of that.

I don't even understand that last post.

The husband deserves blame. BUT the ow must take some responsibility.

WHY????

You keep stating this but without any actual reasoning behind it. You've even agreed that a man who's prepared to cheat has done the damage even if he can't find an OW. So why??

Why is Jane responsible for Gary's marriage? If you make a promise to someone, why am I accountable for it? The wife isn't hurt by the OW having sex, she's hurt by her husband breaking his pledge to her. It's 100% in his hands! It's his responsibility!

In the case of a sadistic OW twisting the knife, yes of course she's responsible if she's abusive like some OWs mentioned in this thread. But the mere act of Fred shagging Freda while married to Farrah? No! That's on him! Of course Freda is doing something shitty, but ultimately Farrah's not hurt because Freda's having sex, she's hurt because Fred is, and Fred made a solemn promise to her that he wouldn't!

And nobody is defending OW and saying it's ok to shag a married person! All we're saying is, in terms of the duty of care and fidelity to the wife, blame the person who actually has it! Don't make it semi OK for him by effectively saying his marriage and his penis are not 100% his responsibility!

LyingWitch, yes, I remember now...wife was a teaching assistant who lost her job because it was a term of employment that staff have no criminal record. That was the OW's fault too.

Sorry, seanna, you're a woman. Only men are allowed to be flawed and complex human beings, especially in sexual matters.

I feel sorry for the wife caught him cheating 3 times and still takes him back blaming the slags, tracks his phone, rings him constantly, checks his bank statements it's no way to live.

The OW in my relationship text me to apologise for the hurt she’d caused to me and my children and promised never to contact him again. But that she had always wanted the life I had with him. A few weeks later she became pregnant with his child.
Now Ex and I have teenagers who despise her and refuse to acknowledge the child as their sibling (I have done everything by the book btw) and hardly ever want to spend time with their father because he continues to manipulate and emotionally blackmail them. He has also hugely betrayed their trust. He also doesn’t understand why we can’t all be friends!
However, the children and I are far, far happier alone. She did me a favour in the end.
I do despise her though. She knowingly hurt my children. And her unborn child!! She doesn’t care what she did. She has what she wants now.

Oh, and I’m the only one parenting our children now. And I do a bloody good job of it to. I have got those children through a really tough time, whilst going through a tough time myself and we have all come out fighting

Hmm, you should be bloody proud of yourself. You were thrown in the shit at the deep end and you've brought yourself and your kids out swimming. Your ex sounds like a total flesh waste.

True that, what they say about women being like teabags; chuck them in hot water and just watch them make good.

I'm really glad for you Hmm and I'm sorry you and your children had to go through all that.