He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

[Ellamorgan]

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this

Also, after he is gone go and buy yourself some new bed linen and as others have said, change the positioning of your bedroom furniture.

Put the dead kick on the door when he leaves and have a peaceful evening in when you get back today, spend some time on the sofa with your dc

What a twat.
Just a few more hours to go.

It sounds like he wants you all begging him to stay. As as you're not he's now doing anything to get a reaction.

Blimey OP.
You must be so proud of yourself for keeping calm.
I'd have smashed a plate over his head.
Definitely keep yourself and the kids out of the way.
Try to enjoy your day.
A few hours to go!!!
Stay strong.

Good luck today OP. Hope it isn’t too traumatic for the kids & you. Have you got a friend who could come over tonight in case you have a wobble? You’ve behaved amazingly

So today is the day that my husband, partner, friend ( once upon a time ) packs his suitcases and walks away from his family home.

I have woken up today with really mixed emotions, in the past 10 weeks this man has put me through hell, he has been nasty, controlling, spiteful, manipulative, put me down, made stupid comments to the children, returned home drunk scaring the kids, screamed and shouted, cheated on me, made me feel worthless, threatened me, used me, tried to blame it all on me, lied to me and more than it all really emotionally hurt me. All of this should be enough to make today easy or easier. We have been together 15 years and married 10.5 of those, once upon a time we met and fell in love, I never noticed that he stopped loving me and started using me, I think I was niave that he would communicate and be honest.

Today I have a really heavy heart, tears that I cannot hold back and a sadness that I hope passes.

Thank you all for your continued support, every message spurs me on, it’s amazing how strangers can keep u going x

It's not easy but you CAN and WILL get through this. You're stronger than you think.

Oh Ella (((hugs))))

Thinking of you today. He's a shit!

I've just read your thread OP.
Wishing you all the strength in the world today - it will be weird and emotional to come home to an empty house tonight but also bizarrely exciting because the torture of the last 9 weeks will start to be released. You can do this.
Be kind to yourself and your poor children and have a great day.

Oh op. My dh moved out earlier this year and I can so relate to how you're feeling. It's so gut-wrenching and you keep asking yourself how it came to that point. You actually expect to wake up to find it was alla horrible nightmare.

The way your dh has behaved the last few weeks is beyond shocking. Your home has turned into a warzone. He's going down and wants to take everyone down with him.
His behaviour is scary to say the least. Please stay safe. This is a man who has nothing to lose, despite being the one who wanted to walk away from it all.

Sending you hugs and strength. X

Ella, I had NO warning my long marriage was in trouble. My H left me without even telling me he was leaving one day. I was in total shock! It caused me PTSD and I received Trauma Therapy. What I'm trying to say is I completely understand how you're feeling and if you want to message me, please do.

Stand tall and imagine all these Mumsnetters holding your hand. Invoke that steely resolve that we all posses which is under the surface and use it to get through these next 24 hours and then grieve. Keep posting and just know that those who have been through the same ordeal, have survived and gone on to rebuild their lives. 💐

Aw op I’ve been where you have been albeit I wasn’t married and hadn’t been together long but I was shocked the nastiness from ex. You sound bloody amazing and he’s getting nasty because you’re not giving him an reaction. He wanted you to beg for him to stay. . Hope the rest of the day goes smoothly

You already are being incredibly strong nobody deserves the way he has treated you or the children.
Please go and buy a new lock and call a friend who can fit it or a lock Smith arranged for Monday I know it's not cheap but at least with the locks changed you can relax in the knowledge that he's not going to appear next week. As someone said put the deadlock/chain on tonight and until you can get them sorted.

OP keep calm keep strong. Tonight will be peaceful in your home. You can turn off your phone and perhaps watch a film eating loads of chocolate with the children?

I cannot believe the vile person he has been. Beyond vile and so manipulating especially with the children.

Hope you manage to have a calm day out.

I hope today goes ok for you and you all treat yourselves tonight with nice food, treats, a movie etc.

Keep records of the verbal abuse. Especially as it’s in front of the kids.

Good luck x

I have just read this whole thread and I am amazed at your strength and dignity OP. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your kids and that man does not deserve to even share your airspace. Good luck with today, I am sure everyone on this thread will be thinking about you. I think you are wonderful and in time the bastard will realise what a huge mistake he has made. Do not make life easy for him, he deserves nothing!

You've done so well and been so strong. Massive respect for you.

He sounds like such a cunt. Muttering put downs after putting you through hell.

I've been through this. Over 2 years ago. Me and DC are great now. We've built a lovely new life and you will too.

And like others have said check what benefits you are entitled to and make sure ex pays appropriate maintenance. Xxx

Hope everything goes as well as it can do. I've got an ex like this, I'm having to take my 11 year old to counselling because of him. I bloody hate him! Hope things work out better for you xxx

I genuinely can't believe you have got through these last 10 weeks with this kind of behaviour going on. You must be fucking Wonder Woman!

Please remember that your memories of your relationship are correct. Do not let him make you question yourself! He is totally rewriting history. He hasn't hated you and been unhappy all that time, he is just trying to make you believe that to project all of his appalling behaviour on to you.

The time for dealing with your emotions is coming, but today is about keeping your children out of the firing line and holding tight. Get those locks changed ASAP and start pushing back against his controlling behaviour. After today your house is your haven.

Hard day for you and your children. You may want to ensure he doesn’t take things around the house that he hasn’t discussed with you or agreed. He sounds like the kind of man that will ensure he doesn’t leave quietly...

Just read the whole thread. OP you are amazing! Just amazing! You sound like you are doing so much to provide your children with a steady parent (and keeping up thier routine). I am convince you three will be fine and so happy soon with out all this poison from your ex. Thank god he is moving out.

Don't forget, HE WANTED THIS. It was HIS decision to leave. Which makes his behaviour all the more shockingly disgusting. He has treated his own kids appallingly, with the tears and manipulation, that is seriously fucked-up.
If the kids want to talk about it I would be very clear that this was his decision to go because this twat sees nothing wrong with telling his own kids it was all your fault. And if they don't want to see him for a while that is completely understandable and should be respected, although no doubt you will be blamed for that too.
And YES to getting the locks changed asap!

You got this op. You are amazing

Just read your thread. You are amazing and dignified when a lot of people would shout and bawl. You have put your kids first at all times and they will remember that.

Ella you are stronger than you know and you can do this. Do you have a good friend who can be there to support you and witness any nastiness?

Be kind to yourself and look after your children. They’ll see him for the shit he is soon enough.

Op . I have just read your thread.

I will say while today won’t be easy it will get easier .

Coming home to a calm house will help you all. Create some new memories in that house. Do something to make it yours . New bedding, cushions .

Make the meal the 3 of you live most .

Be gentle with yourself. It won’t be an easy road but you will look back in a while and realise he has done you a favour.

As for the financial side. He is not going to play fair . Get every penny you can.