How to end it - please help :(

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

Do you really want a future whereby you have to watch every penny because he will make you account for it? Where you actually get anxiety for going to your hobby because of his reaction? How he tells his family you're having an affair because you dare to spend time away from him? Where you have anxiety because of the way he talks to you.

THIS IS ALL AN ACT. Right now he's going for the poor me approach because he realises it is over and is trying everything he can to get you to talk to him and engage as he will wear you down. Remember what you've told everyone, you don't love him, there isn't anything to save because you want a life free from all of these horrid things he's put you through.

If you stay yes, he'll be great for a few weeks but people like this never change. You'll be back under his control again.

Please remember the reasons why you are doing this, please don't engage with him in conversation as he will wear you down. Let him be heartbroken, he's had so many chances to make you happy and blew every one. Isn't it your turn to have some happiness now?

Ps. The anger and threats of violence/taking the kids will come. I'd give it a couple of days and it will when this isn't working. Then you'll be proved right.

You're not being dramatic. He is. It's classic behaviour for men like this when they feel they are losing control. Stick to your guns. You can do it!

The arseyness will come lass.

Hold on to what you want.

When you waiver, remind yourself how you all came to this point - his actions amd words, not yours.

If you want to give him another chance, do - but you live separately. If he can prove over the next 6 months to treat you with respect and kindness WHILE you are separated, then he'll have proven he's worth a chance.

But not if you take him back now, because in a months' time you'll be back to the same shit.

I love this quote:

A year from now you'll be so glad you started today.

Never go back, only forwards. OP doesn't love her husband anymore, and he is abusive and disrespectful towards her. If OP were to give it another go, it would be out of pity NOT because she loves him.

I'd be surprised he had a 'break down' at work, probably been sent home because of being distracted by the amount of time he's spent bombarding OP with messages. Never believe a word that comes out of these men's mouths when they're not getting what they want. He'll start getting angry soon, blaming everything on OP and accusing her of an affair or having a new man in the pipeline.

Stay strong, don't waver, only look forward

@PaleRider he did initially say that his family and him thought I could be having an affair and that that would explain the withdrawal of affection, love etc from me...

He's staying at his parents tonight - he rung my mum and let her know, I feel relief that he won't be there tonight...I was dreading another evening of begging and pleading.

He will have gone home due to how he's feeling, I do believe that. In our jobs we are allowed our phone and it is not unusual for people to be on them a lot. (Similar field, but different companies)

The fact you feel relief that he won't be there tonight tells you everything you need to know. It's natural to have a wobble and think he could be the man you fell in love with but that's all an act.

You gave him and his family (although it's just him, not his family), no reason at all to think you were having an affair. Just because you had a hobby means you're having an affair does it? You're minimising his behaviour, but please don't. He isn't going to change or get better or be a good partner again just because of this.

Plus, if you go back now and things go south and you do this again, he knows he can win you back by begging and pleading and his puppy eyes. You need to hang onto the reasons for leaving, everything you have wrote and what your Mum and sister says about him and picture your new house and your kitten and having friends over. And being able to spend your own money on things for you without having to account for it.

He's emotionally abusive
He's financially abusive
He's physically abusive

You need to get out and don't give in to him, it won't get better.

YOU CAN DO IT. He is trying to force you to be with him. If he truly loved you he would be upset, devastated even but he would give you space. He would respect what you are saying. This guy is just trying to manipulate you into staying with him.

Well he's starting to be awkward now for sure. He's just text to say he's staying at his parents for a few days. I have my hobby tomorrow night, and he said he won't look after the kids, he'll only look after them if I'm wanting to talk things through with mum....

I do feel relief he won't be there when I get home...I was dreading it...last night was awful.

My mum is being supportive, though also saying that maybe this was the shock he needs, he sounded shocked on the phone, that I need to be sure with my decision etc.... she doesn't know the full extent of how he's been as the kids were there at the weekend, but she's coming over tonight, so hopefully she'll understand.... I hope she does, as she put up with my abusive father far too long

That cat is amazing @Cath! Holding onto the thought of that! He's always hated cats, people etc though of course is now promising me all the animals I want, people to drop over when I want etc....

So don't you think that if he's promising you the world, animals, friends over, that he's changed and it's the shock he needed blah blah, and that he meant it, then why is he holding you to ransom over your hobby? If he's turned over that leaf wouldn't he being as helpful as possible to ensure you knew he was trying to a decent husband and not withholding childcare in order to basically blackmail you into discussing this with him?!

@BlueNeighbourhood those are my thought exactly!

Guessing when this doesn't work, the anger will be next?

I'm minded to think that your SBXH is actually committing a crime; coercive control. It would be worth talking to a police officer or CPSO to discuss. All of these things you have described are coercive and illegal. Have a good time at your hobby tonight and think carefully about phoning the police. An enquiry costs you nothing and the minimum sentence for coercive control is a community order which will prevent him from contacting you. You're in my thoughts today

He sounds like an utter Bellend OP.. please stay focused and strong ... do not let him manipulate you anymore....

Showing his true colours now by blackmailing you. Your hobby can wait, don’t let him get the upper hand, as the saying goes, give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. Stand firm, would your Mum perhaps sit with the children?

Going to ask her tonight. Back home now, and I know it's pathetic, but I'm missing him :( house is really empty and weird without him here

And true to the script .... my ex did exactly the same. Decided that as I really wasn’t going to stay with him tried his damdest to ensure I couldn’t go out as he wouldn’t look after his DS. I was isolated and 400 miles away from family. Tried to interfere with my ability to work and when I started dating someone else he stopped paying anything. (That was 2yrs after we split too) remind yourself that this recent statement that he won’t be looking after the DC so you can go to your hubby unless ..... is one of the reasons your are off. Be careful my OH lost the plot eventually and I had to call the police on him.

Thank yiu for the kitty video... Really struggling tonight. Our youngest daughter keeps asking where's daddy and when he's coming home, the dog is crying for him, I just want a cuddle as stupid as that sounds 😢

Of course it's going to hurt for a while. You're giving yourself a hard time for no reason. Nobody expects you to leave and just switch off, your feelings for him were real. You may miss him but if he comes back, I'm sure you know he will revert to type very quickly and you'll be back on here in January about having the worst Christmas as you weren't allowed to your hobbies Christmas party and were made to feel horrific for even daring to want to go by him. All the promises and heartbreak are real on your side. You need to be fair on yourself and allow yourself time to grieve what you thought this relationship was, but you know deep down it will never get better if he stays.

Virtual kick up the butt coming It's perfectly natural to be having a wobble, but let that be all it is. DO NOT take him back, it will be for all the wrong reasons. Be honest with the children, say that their Dad is staying away for a few days as you both need a little space from each other. Keep focused.

I read this on here but it’s so true.........a heroin addict will crave heroin. They’ll feel awful when they can’t get it and fantastic when they can. This doesn’t mean that heroin is a good,thing. Or that it is the right thing for them.

Thank you, feeling a bit better after seeing my mum. I'm actually really pissed off with him now. He told my mum on the phone that he'd have the kids tomorrow evening so I can do my hobby... However he's told me that he will only have them if I'm wanting to talk things through with mum...so much for having a shock and being a different person... Surely if that was true not being an awkward twat would help show that? Sadly mum can't have the kids tomorrow, so I'm screwed (hobby is drama, I have a performance in a few weeks so missing it is really shit) betting this is in an attempt to show me how shit it will be without him...