How to end it - please help :(

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

He's a controlling twat.

this is all about forcing you back into you Wifey box... don't let him... and try to find a Babysitter you can trust and depend on... NOT him

Thank you, just having people listen helps. Started looking for a babysitter, looks like one of their after-school carers may be able to help out so that's good.

that's great ... don't tell him anything about her.. so he can't manipulate her or cancel her...

Good point gemini, I won't do.... He really is a bloody bastard isn't he... Saw this quote when I logged onto pinterest to look at Christmas kitties, and it was just so perfect and perfect timing, so thought I'd share

the Babysitter works for you .... and your kids... nobody else

Yes he really is a bloody bastard. You are doing so well OP. Keep going and I hope he stays away for. a while. Enjoy your hobby tomorrow. I do that too. It's so good for friends and confidence. Never give it up.

I feel so bad for my kids though... You'd think he'd want to see them?! Hasn't even asked how they are... The youngest is only 4, so keeps asking about daddy, and the eldest is unsettled but accepting my explanation at the moment... Though obviously before long tb be asking why daddy hasn't seen them...

because it's not about the kids... it's only about Him controlling YOU...

Sending you a hand hold OP I am in the same boat, but I haven’t been brave enough to start the conversation yet! I’ve made the decision I want to leave with my DC’s, now just trying to get my ducks ina row as he isn’t going to be nice about this. Thanks for that quote, I took a screen shot of it to remind me. Five years from now I want a different life with my DC’s who are my whole world. Keep going OP

Morning all,

Went to look at a house this morning before work, and it is ideal...can see where everything would go, including the Christmas tree and cat! Ugh don't know what to do now though.... wasn't expecting to find one right away... it's also walking distance from the school my eldest will go to in 2 years time...

STBXH has text me this morning after being a twat last night, to say maybe it's my diet that's causing my feelings (I've lost a lot of weight recently, still more to go), and that last time I was at the end of my tether, I'd lost a lot of weight too...so hey it must be that right?!

He's also going on about Christmas, seeing Santa, family holidays, etc and how he doesn't want to loose that. We had such fun times, do I really want to loose all those... Ugh the fun times do not make up for all the shit ones...

He is blaming you ending the relationship on loosing weight. Is this cunt for real?

apparently the 'rapid' weight loss (2.5 stone since Jan) ....

Go and read your first post again, in case you've forgotten what it was like and how far you've come. Natural to remember the good times, but there were an awful lot of bad ones in between.

Goodness me.

Kitten and friends.
Kitten and friends.
Kitten and friends!

That's hardly rapid.
It's not even 1lb per week.
You've lost it exactly as you should have.
Slow and steady.
No doubt you are eating healthier as well which helps, it doesn't make things worse.
He is a total and utter twat.
He will never take responsibility for all of this.
Don't ever expect him to.
Just continue with your plan.

The fact you've found the ideal place so quickly is a sign that you should move quickly!!!!
It's seems crazy but it's the best way to do it.
Call them and do it all today!
Eeeekkk.... You and your DC could be abuse free and happy within a month!
Go for it!

Tell him you’re hoping to lose a further 14 stone of useless weight over the next few weeks

Thank you, I've contacted them asking to go forwards with it.

Just had to speak to him re the children. When I called his mum was in the background interjecting to him constantly... Me saying how I feel is me trying to guilt him, looking after his kids is babysitting, and doing it while I'm doing drama is me taking the piss, staying out late after dram is me having no respect for the marriage, he should ask me if I want to give it another go, if I still care etc etc etc She really is just making it even worse

No doubt she will be dissecting everything I said to him...

Feeling shaky, weak and teary now

oh to add to that - he won't pick the kids up tonight as it's too painful for him, and he'll break down and it's not fair on the kids - he sees me in them, our future and how he can't loose it....So yeah, he's really putting the kids first...

also heard how he broke down at work, he can't function, sleep eat or sit still etc and then his mum has the gual to say I'm guilting him!!!

You're doing so well OP, it's really admirable how you are not allowing him to guilt you into taking him back! Keep on going!

Well if he won't do his fair share of child care (babysitting his own kids, fucking twat) then there is no point to him and no point in you communicating with him anymore.
I'd just stop any contact for now.
If he tries just tell him that there is no point to him at all if he won't do his fair share and that you are now blocking him.
Might be the wake up call he needs. Although I doubt it.

Well done OP.
You will have wobbles.
Post on here as and when you do and vent with us!

It was so hard on the phone with his parents in the background and him saying he can't loose me...but I tried to stay focused on the house, the kids and kitten...and the fact that he won't put the kids first which has made me angry and feel like it's all bullshit and would change shortly after coming back, once he was secure in me not leaving again

And just another little reminder.
Awwww........

you are already looking to the future with a view to schooling for your eldest. I second hellsbells go for it TODAY

Go for it! We are right behind you