Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end it - please help :(

436 replies

HelpMeDoThisPlease · 20/09/2018 10:47

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
BlueNeighbourhood · 24/09/2018 09:33

Did you have fun at your hobby yesterday OP?

I hope things are going well :)

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 24/09/2018 09:42

Thank you, I did have great fun at my hobby yesterday, it was nice to get out an away from it all.

The whole evening when I got back was him crying, begging me to stay, promising he'd changed and that he'd just needed a massive shock like this to realize all his wrongs, begging me to give it one more chance, that he'd go if I still wasn't happy after that...on and on

I just kept repeating that to me it was over, there was no chance, I was done, it was too late etc

He then progressed onto dissecting my past behaviors - had I been happy a month ago when I'd done x, why had I been crying etc, also begging me to do things like look at past photos of us etc

This morning it is a torrent of messages while we are both at work, asking me to talk to him, telling me he can't live without me, that he know understands my anxiety and panic attacks as he is having them over this.

He also keeps asking me how I'm feeling, how I can function when he can't, that he can't reach me. That's because there is literally no feeling left towards him - him crying has me feeling bad for him, but no more than that, does this make me a monster?

OP posts:
mammynowanauntyIRL · 24/09/2018 09:45

Not at all your feelings for him have been eroded by his past behaviours and you've done your suffering during this time.

Sicario · 24/09/2018 09:45

Turn your phone off. He's going into classic bombarding behaviour to try to get what he wants.

BlueNeighbourhood · 24/09/2018 09:48

This guy sure is following the script isn't he!

Tonight will probably be anger that the bombarding isn't working. Turn your phone off and contact your DD's school to let them know to call your work directly if there is any problems. Also, ask them to alert you if your STBXH tries to take them out of school before the end of the school day, I can see this coming too when he realises it isn't working.

Keep on with the grey rock, it really is working as you can see and he's trying everything in the book to get you to speak to him and find a weak spot. It's quite pathetic really after all the times he's threatened it in the past.

Keep the images in your head, couple of months and it'll all be over.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 24/09/2018 10:02

Glad to hear that this is all part of the script - I was starting to waver, but then I remind myself I wouldn't be staying for me, but for him which is wrong. Also it's not fair on him being with someone who doesn't love him...

According to him he is heartbroken....I am his soulmate, life partner, and he can't do this without me.... it's making me feel rotten, but I'm hanging in there.

He's just sent a text asking if I want him to stay at his sisters for a while so I can think (can see preview of messages)...

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood · 24/09/2018 10:07

If you're on WhatsApp, put your phone in airplane mode and you'll be able to read the messages without the blue ticks coming up for him.

Don't respond to the one about going to his sisters, or if you do grey rock it again as he wants you to say that he should stay/and if you say go it will start the crying and begging and questioning why he can't have another chance. Ignore all messages, he needs to realise you can't be won round. The best thing you can do is get stuck into your work and put your phone in a drawer as right now all he wants is a response.

(Then again, I'm a 34 year old unmarried woman with no children, so I'm not the best at relationship advice, but I've never been so invested in a thread before!)

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 24/09/2018 10:11

@BlueNeighbourhood thank you, I didn't know about the airplane mode and whatsapp. He is desperate for a response, as he's texting now instead of whatsapping, pretty sure it'll be email and calls before long.

Ugh this makes me feel so heartless and awful...really annoyed that his 'I'll leave, it's over' was all just a bluff....he even admitted it was last night...

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 24/09/2018 10:14

I do feel bad for him....this is his first proper relationship too, which may explain a lot of the unhealthy behaviors, we never learnt from mistakes from previous relationships. And I'm sure he is heartbroken, but that's still not a reason for me to put aside my happiness and stay :(

Apparently he was only saying it was over and he'd leave because him and his family believed I was seeing someone else.... Kind of wish I had been, as it seems it would have made this easier...

OP posts:
ChimesAtMidnight · 24/09/2018 10:21

him and his family believed I was seeing someone else - so he's been discussing you with his family rather than talking to you about his suspicions ?
Urgh.... you need to leave him.

LucyMorningStar · 24/09/2018 10:25

Omg they're so predictable it's rather pathetic! He'll soon enough realise pleading and begging isn't working and will become arsey.

Yes he might be heartbroken but it's his problem! He's been an dick to you for such a long time and he didn't give a shit you were heartbroken!

Grey rock all the way.

BlueNeighbourhood · 24/09/2018 10:25

I think that even a normal, sane person without abuser tendencies wouldn't do as he has done upon the end of a relationship - you accept it and give the partner space and allow them to come to a decision. You don't force someone to be with you just because you've decided you should stay together.

It doesn't matter about learning from past relationships, if he loved you and cared for you he wouldn't be threatening to leave as a bluff to get a reaction, he wouldn't have physically abused you, he wouldn't be making you account for every penny. Don't try and justify his actions, he's a typical abusive man - it won't get better no matter who he is with and it isn't your job to save him. Don't let the girls grow up around a man who treats women this way as it could affect them in future.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 24/09/2018 10:25

@ChimesAtMidnight he talked about me with them on Saturday while I was over at my mum's talking to her, so I can't really blame him for that, as I was doing the same thing. However it is nice to know what they all think I'm capable off...

Another thing, apparently this was their suspicion because of my hobby (sometimes staying out late to have a drink with people afterwards). According to him he defended me doing this to them as he sees that I 'need it and it's good for me to do something I love and enjoy'... but previously he has complained to me about my hobby saying I'm out to much, I'm trying to live a single persons life etc...so it's just a massive contradiction...

OP posts:
ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 24/09/2018 10:40

If I'd waited for my exH to agree to us separating I'd still be with him instead of happily married to my DH. He begged, pleaded, threatened all sorts. But he moved on pretty quickly once he realised I meant what I said. Funnily enough my depression disappeared after I'd left him

As for you seeing someone else, his reaction doesn't ring true for someone with genuine suspicions. He's just throwing as much as he possibly can at you in the hopes that something will stick.

FluffySox · 24/09/2018 10:49

Hi Help,

I'm glad you had a good time at your hobby. There are many more good times ahead of you.

With regards to this..

Another thing, apparently this was their suspicion because of my hobby (sometimes staying out late to have a drink with people afterwards). According to him he defended me doing this to them as he sees that I 'need it and it's good for me to do something I love and enjoy'... but previously he has complained to me about my hobby saying I'm out to much

I have warning bells clanging here because my friend's ex said almost exactly the same to her when she broke up with him. my family think you are cheating, I defended you!

A couple of months later she bumped into his sister, the sister gave her a mouthful on the street as it turned out the ex had told his family he knew 100% and had evidence, that she had ended the relationship because she was having an affair.

All lies. She is still single two years on. That is how much her ex damaged her with his abuse and lies. She is healing well but says it will be a long time before she trusts another man.

Her ex had led his family to believe these lies because he could not say 'oh, she's left me because I am an angry abusive wankbadger'.

Twat.

eddielizzard · 24/09/2018 11:06

While he's trying to talk you round and playing Mr. Nice Guy, just remember that your body has a physical response to him - you get anxiety attacks when you think he's trying to communicate. You owe it to yourself and your children to get him the fuck out of your life. For your own mental health.

Good luck Flowers you're amazing.

BlueNeighbourhood · 24/09/2018 11:30

Also, I would speak to your HR today and ask them if it's okay to put your salary into your sisters account (with her permission of course), and ask your sister if that would be okay just until you sort out a new bank account.

Now you're being practical and he sees that it really is over as you're taking steps to leave, he might start to back off and realise there is no going back.

DoryNow · 24/09/2018 11:34

OP it might be worth buying a cheap Tesco mobile to keep for his calls. Save all your contacts to your current phone , then swap the sim over & then gradually tell all those you trust the new number; Then you can just check in with the STBE at coffee breaks or when you feel strong.

Anither thought I had was its worth having a quiet word with your DC' form teachers so they can be aware of the changing situation at home in case the kids need a bit of extra support. Also it will alert them if he starts bad mouthing you.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 24/09/2018 12:38

Well just heard from him via phone call. He's at his parents again after breaking down at work, so he was asking me to get the kids tonight.

Was a short civil conversation, so that was good. Feeling really rotten for affecting his life so much though :( I hate seeing him like this

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood · 24/09/2018 12:50

What did you say to him when he said he'd had a break down at work?

Continue to grey rock him, 'Okay, I'll collect the girls tonight' and let him stay with his parents. Coming home tonight with his tail between his legs begging for forgiveness again is going to be torture for you, it's like kicking an addiction. Look how far along you are now in the process and to lose that to make yourself unhappy again would be awful for you.

Stay strong!

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 24/09/2018 12:55

I just said ok and waited for him to go on, which he did, saying could I pick up the girls tonight.

This is torture, and yet at the same time I feel like the torturer :(

OP posts:
spacefighter · 24/09/2018 13:04

I'm sorry to say but the anger will kick in soon and he will start to be really nasty so please be prepared for it.

ScabbyBabby · 24/09/2018 13:26

It’s because you’re a nice person. He doesn’t give a shit about your feelings and he never has.

His true colours will show up again soon enough, when he realises the ‘woe is me’ act isn’t working.

To be honest, I’m really worried for your safety. You said there is a history of physical abuse too, I would get yourself out of this situation sooner rather than later and I would also phone the police and ask for advice.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 24/09/2018 13:35

Ugh it's so hard - he seems so genuinely upset and heartbroken...at least if he gets angry then I know I'm correct...

There has been violence in the past, though there has not been any at all in the last 10 years, since we got married really - and I was also violent back to him. However it's been such a long time, that it feels like I'm being overly dramatic about that :( He does seem to have changed in that regard. That is also one of his arguments for giving it once last chance, that he was able to stop the violence, so he can stop all the other stuff now that he understand what it is, his triggers, depression etc (he has been depressed this last year)

OP posts:
spacefighter · 24/09/2018 13:42

Once he realises your not going back on your word then his true colours will start to come back through. Every time you start to doubt yourself think of all the bad things he has done and how unhappy you were. Write a list and keep it on your phone so every time you start to waiver look at it.