How to end it - please help :(

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

Stay focussed on your goal,new place for Christmas and a kitty! Stay firm, he is doing what he is good at which is playing to your anxiety and ensuring that somehow your to blame. Even down to splitting up will be your fault as you didn’t give it a go. These are the reasons you are splitting up.

What you want and need is important. It used to be him, but he squidged your life so much. Now it's time for you to enjoy life with friends and kitten and just being happy.

Thank you, it's what's keeping me strong as I can be at the moment. I guess I feel responsible for causing him pain and upset, and like I'm ruining his life.. And I hate confrontation and hurting people.

Morning OP! Remember you are responsible for your own happiness but so is he. It's not your responsibility to make sure his life is happy. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it. He is a grown man, he will figure his own shit out. You're not the bad guy, you are just making sure you and your children can live the life you want!

Do you think he feels responsible for causing you pain and upset OP? You’ve watched him go through the abusers script in his behaviour towards you, you’ve seen through his (attempted) manipulation of you and the situation this time, you know it’s deliberate and calculated and cruel so why are you the one who feels responsible for his pain?

This man has no one to blame but himself, he’s driven you away with his abusive behaviour and that was his choice, it’s not something he can’t help, he has actually chosen to treat you this way and you bear zero responsibility for that.

Just keep going as you have been, focus on your end goal (freedom!) and try to view him and his bleating as white noise. You know this is just more of ‘the script’, if you give in things will go back to (his) normal in no time and you will be left feeling powerless and defeated, don’t let that happen, it’s what he wants and it’s time to do what you want now

Remember, he knows you better than anyone else in the world which means he knows all the buttons to push that are most likely to manipulate you into complying with him. This is his he’s controlled you got all these years.

The next few weeks until you move will be the hardest yet but it’s absolutely vital you think now about how he’ll play you so you are prepared for it. Also think about coping strategies so that as he keeps switching tact you’ll have some go to tactics in place to help you not to be worn down by him.

He gets his kicks from kicking you, he’s not going to want to let you go easily so think carefully about his possible next moves and how to counter them

Once you’re out of there things will be so much easier, happier and better for you and your children. You need to keep the end goal in sight so he doesn’t overwhelm you. Lean on your nearest and dearest as much as you can

It's not one last chance though is it as you have given him chances every time he has been so horrible to tou. Every time you thought 'oh the nice him is back, it's OK now', that was a chance. So how many chances has he actually had over the years?

You are amazing OP. Please keep in mind how free you and your daughters will be once you have separated. Your anxiety will lessen each day and in a few weeks you will start to feel like yourself again.

Imagine inviting one of your new club friends round for lunch/evening meal/drinks and what a lovely time you could have.

Good luck and God speed.

I'm ruining his life.. (he doesn't care about ruining your life) And I hate confrontation and hurting people (he doesn't care that he is confrontational and hurtful to you)

Thank you, you are all true, he's not been bothered about causing me hurt as long as he's been happy... And why should I put his happiness before mine...

Yes it may suck for him, but staying would suck for me, and for our girls. I'd really wished I hadn't had to be the ad guy, but if I must then I must.

Plan right now is, he knows I've said it's over. I'm going to speak to solicitors, women's aid this week. Sort out my bank account, and view houses. He can't act like it's out of the blue when I tell him I've found a place and will be moving in to it... I think I just need out to get away from all the manipulation, and can sort the rest out later. Is that awfully nieav?

No that's fact because that's what's going to happen, he will try anything and everything to change your mind, stay strong now, this will be the toughest battle yet

Keep strong OP, I’m sure you know this but for all his promises they are empty and will last just long enough to hook you in again, then it will take you another 2 years to get to this stage again and twice as difficult as it is now

Got the crying and pleading still. It's all his fault, hell do anything. Promising me the earth. Me and the kids are his only reason for living, he réalisés how wrong he's been, he wants just one more chance, he'll be the man I want him to be.

On and on, and I'm the bad guy who keeps saying no, enough is enough I want us to separate.

He's acting all heartbroken... He can't go back to an empty life without me, he needs me etc.... I just want it all over... The kitten at Christmas, friends over for lunch, and you guys being behind me is keeping me strong

Here’s my kitten, playing with the baubles on the tree.

Have a look at it and stay strong

If I were you I'd head over to your parents/sister's place today, take the girls out to lunch or the park just to get out of the way of him.

This type of talk is going to continue on all day if you stay in the house with him and I reckon it'll be so hard to stay strong to someone who promised so much and delivered so little.

Please keep hold of all your aspirations and try and get out of the way of him for the day. And keep repeating that it's over, worse is to come from him.

Do not let him guilt trip you or manipulate you into staying or giving it 'one more go'.

If you feel yourself wavering, come back on here and read the posts supporting you and that what you are doing is right for you and the children. Heck, we'll even give you a virtual kick up the bum if you need one.

And do not share a bed with him (one of you need to sleep on the sofa / spare room ), do not do any of his washing, cooking etc. You are now separated and therefore you both must live like it until you can move out.

Keep strong

Thank you... Virtual bum kicks may be needed in the future!

Holding strong at the moment. I'm going out this afternoon to my hobby, so can't wait for that! Btw Your kitty is gorgeous @gammon!

He's upstairs at the moment, on the phone to his mum or sister, I'm hoping they'll tell him there's no point dragging it on if I've said it's over... They are not keen on me anyway.

Ugh so wrung out already... Will it really get worse than this? Not sure how's that's possible right now :(

I'm pretty sure it will.

Once the pleading and being nice and promising to change isn't working usually it will start the anger, flipping between he wanted it over anyway to crying begging for you back. Be aware he will probably threaten all kinds now his grip is gone, suicide, going for full custody but remember to remain strong. Be as practical as possible.

YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY!!

Sorry to shout but you really need to understand this. Just imagine your girls were getting bullied at school, then one day they turned round and stood up to the bully. Obviously the bully wouldn't like that one bit and it wouldn't be a pleasant experience for them. Would you honestly say to your DDs "you shouldn't have stood up to the bully because now they feel bad"...yet this is no more logical than the misplaced guilt you are feeling now. Stay strong, you and your girls deserve not to have this emotional vampire sucking any more joy out of your lives

He needs you because if you're not there he'll have no audience for his dramatic performances, not because he loves you! His life will be empty without you because he'll have nobody to play his mind games with! Nothing will change if you give it another go. People can't change their personality at that age, it's already formed. Don't give in!

Oh and I got a cat as soon as I separated from my H (he hates cats) and believe me, cat brings me more joy than that man ever did!

Ah

The puppy eyes, the dramatics, the ‘you’re all I have to live for‘

Following it to the letter.

Next few days he’s gonna go nasty. Possibly via mystery illness or dark hints at suicide.

You are doing great.

Ps Christmas Kitten is cheering you on ^

We will fill your thread with Christmas pictures and kittens to keep you motivated!

Here's Christmas kitty for motivation

Grey rock is your friend here. So want if you are 'the bad guy'? You're not, but so what?

Remain even and emotionless where possible. React to every interaction and his emotion the same. Everything he blames you for, a light 'ok then' or 'if you say so'.

Threatens suicide, say you will call an ambulance/police and leave him to it.

Any fault he finds.... same emotion. I promise you it works and it helps to keep yourself in check.

There'll be days early on where you think you've cracked it and you are both getting on amicably... carry on the grey rock a fair bit longer as it's prime time to suck you back in.

You will get through this, you will! You'll be happy in your own place doing your own thing and you may even get on later down the line.

Stay strong 😄🎄🐱

Thinking of you OP