How to end it - please help :(

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

He hasn't been crying non-stop. I can promise you that. 12 years ago my wonderful and incredibly well loved mum was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia. My Dad rang me and asked me to come home for the weekend (I lived 180 miles away at the time). He didn't say why. When I got there he explained and told me her chances were slim. We popped over to the hospital to see her. She looked so so ill. I cried like I'd never cried before. My heart broke. Even so I didn't cry all day - you can't. It would come in waves and the waves were horrid but the spaces between were strangely normal. I went back to work on the monday and had the odd sniffle in the loos now and then but it was ok. I did my crying in the car on the way too and from work.

9 years ago after years of infertility I got pregnant and I have never been so happy. I had waited 3 years for that BFP. At my 12 week scan the sonologist turned to me and said "I am so sorry". My baby had died at 7 weeks. It still makes me cry now thinking of it. I howled like a mad woman. It was terrible. Even then I was on the ward a few hours later and in between the waves of grief I was able to crack a small smile with the nurses.

Grief is a strange thing - you don't sit and cry for days on end. You make cups of tea and organise socks and just get on with. My Dad ran his shop every day my mum was ill, made his food, visited the hospital, rang us kids with updates. He was a bit odd and zomby'ish but he wasn't incapacitated despite the grief.

Your husband is lying to you. He lies to you a lot. Please don't believe the lies.

Oh and my mum got better after 3 rounds of chemo and a done marrow transplant and after another pregnancy loss I went on to have a lovely little girl so no need to feel sorry for me. I still remember the pain but life goes on. Even if your husband is distraught now he won't be forever. Life will go on for you both - just separately.

You can do this op, this is the hardest bit. I guarantee the tears will turn to temper sooner or later and then it'll weirdly become easier.

It's emotional manipulation and nothing else. If he was such a sensitive soul he would've given a shit long before now.

Any time you're feeling weak, hold onto the fact that girls who are brought up in households where dad abuses mum, almost always end up in similar relationships. It destroys their self-esteem and teaches them what they should put up with. Do it for them if you cant do it for yourself.

And think of the future, a happy household free of the moods and the nasty temper and having to account for everything you spend. Think of the kitten and your children's faces!

Thank you for all the hand holding. I'm just really struggling today... I miss him, the kids miss him, I feel really bad for (in my head) affecting him like this and turning his life upside down...yes because of how it had gotten between us, but it's still me pulling the plug :( There have been times today where I've just wanted to text him and chat like we used to, and I'm just feeling really down and sad.

I'm very sorry to hear about what you went through with your mum and baby @cath, I'm glad things are better for you now. You're right, life does go on...I was distraught when I lost my Gran to cancer 5 years ago, but I got through it.

I think I'm just struggling with this pain and upset being my choosing, and that I could stop it all at any point by just taking him back... until it gets bad again.

My mum said that to get divorced the court will require us to have had relationship counselling, to prove it's completely broken down. Is this true?

@HelpMeDoThisPlease sorry you're having a down day.

No your mum's not correct about that (assuming you are in England or Wales). I think she's confusing it with the courts requiring you to go to mediation before they will rule on issues such as finances or child arrangements if you can't agree between yourselves. Even then you won't be forced to go to mediation if abuse is involved, or if one of the parties refuses to go (you just need to demonstrate that you tried to arrange it).

Please, please don't get sucked into your H's self-inflicted pain. Remember, either he hurts for a while and will get over it, or he hurts you on and off for the rest of your life with him. You will continue to decimate your mental health if you stay with him which is bad news for your DCs longer term, let alone yourself.

Thank you. I spoke to him on the phone as he was asking after the kids. I told him I didn't want to go over what we did yesterday and at the weekend as it was just going round in circles....but that didn't stop him. I'm actually starting to feel a lot stronger again today after speaking to him, as it's clear he hasn't changed and it would just be the same.

He is still putting himself before the kids, promising he'd do anything to save the marriage, but wouldn't really. Can't articulate why this time would be any different apart from 'he wouldn't let it get bad again'. All I heard was how hard it is on him, how it's destroying him, how he can't function at work etc but then essentially trying to guilt me into saying we'd give it another go, as he's burning annual leave and can't stay in limbo.

I told him he's not in limbo through my doing as I've been clear about what I want and feel.

His wonderful mother kept interjecting again - came very close to telling her to fuck off...getting really angry how none of them care if I'm pressured into staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage as long as he does't end up loosing me.... what sort of person wants to be with someone they have to beg and pressure into staying with them anyway?....

I think I'm just struggling with this pain and upset being my choosing

You didn't ask him to treat you like shit. It was HIS choosing.

STOP speaking to him. You're making it worse for yourself and him.

Any communication can be done via a text or email. Make it very clear to him you will only discuss the children or divorce. END OF.

Ignore every other pleading / I'm so hard done by / lets give it another go crap. Do not answer to any of it, other than 'IT IS OVER'. If you must speak to him re. the children, keep it brief and polite, the moment he starts going on about himself HANG UP.

And no you do not need any mediation or counselling to file for divorce. You can do it on grounds of unreasonable behaviour / abusive behaviour, what ever your Solicitor suggests.

Have you made yourself a free half hour appointment with a solicitor yet?

he sounds exhausting OP.. like a spoiled selfish brat of a child having mummy and daddy behind him on the phone bullying you into submission.. and you're correct... he has proven that every single moment of His day is consumed by His needs.. not your children's needs and certainly not your needs... HIS needs.. thank goodness yo can see beyond this fools manipulations and calculated behaviour.. I'd struggle to listen tbh... OP just imagine being in your own home and being able to close the door on this man.. every single night for the rest of your life... sounds like heaven right

@Gemini it really does! tbh it was helpful to speak to him today as it has made me feel stronger in myself. There was no crying, just words and manipulation, like every other time... it all word games with him...and he tries one tack and when that doesn't work he changes it. If you catch him out on it, he goes 'stop dwelling on the negative' etc

He also told me that he needs to know if I really want to end it, as he has to go back to work on Monday, so he needs to start trying to 'get over it' if that's the case so that he can function.... he should have been doing that anyway...I've been bloody clear....

Also shows that he's choosing to wallow in self pity/tell me that it's so hard, he can't do it etc.... as he then turns round and tells me he can put effort into getting over it!

Got the application forms for the house! So going to fill those out. Have to get my passport from home this evening, but I can then send them off first thing tomorrow

you need to make sure you have all your private papers kids passports your passport etc in a very safe place.. never leave them laying around or within reach of Him.. when he is around...

Lol this man is a genius. All else has failed in getting you back so now he's decided he needs to know for sure as he's burning through his annual leave! God, you should really take him back so he can keep his holidays from work.

How self centred is this man! He isn't crying or anything else he's said, he's just lost his grip and trying everything he can to guilt you into being with him. What an insufferable dickhead. You're well shot.

God he's an insufferable arse.
Well done on getting papers sorted.
These are indeed, exciting times!!!
Go you!

It's helpful to remind yourself if his actions line up with his claims.

So him wanting to do "everything" to save the marriage, yet lets his mother interject instead of keeping the conversation between you two.

Claims he wants to be a better husband but the very first chance he can sabotage your hobby using the children as tools, he's in there like Flynn.

So ignore the words. Always look at the actions. They will line up almost perfectly with the script.

You can do this.

Good morning, OP! Just checking in with you to let you know we're all rooting for you and hope you have a decent day today.

Hey OP, how are you doing today?

How are things with the girls? Has he been in touch about them? We are all thinking about you and rooting for you!

Hi,

Yes he spoke to them on the phone last night, so that was good.

The nastiness hasn't started yet, it's still the 'I can't be without you, you're my soulmate, life partner' etc stuff. I'm so tiered...I know you'll all tell me I'm being stupid, which I am, but I really really struggle with feeling like the bad guy here.

There are times when I remember our good times together, and just want him here :( He's now suggested relationship counselling as a final try and said that if that doesn't work then he feels that's a good line to draw....

NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER have joint counselling with an abuser.
NEVER!!!!!!!
Just have a chat with Womens Aid about that.
They will also tell you that you should not do it.
Have counselling on your own to understand why you want to even consider staying with an abuser!?
It's not for your DC because you are basically allowing them to be abused.
SS now deem it abuse to DC if they are brought up in an abusive household.
They will also continue the cycle of abuse so they will find a man just like your DH or turn into him.
Do you want that for your DC????

Don't let him reel you in. He will suggest anything to get you back under his control, doesn't mean he will actually follow through with any of these suggestions.

Read back your original post and remember why you are here in this situation.

And do you know what, if you give it another go, do counselling whatever, I can guarantee you the moment the counselling stops and he has exactly where he wants you, your marriage and relationship will be back to square one.

You feared he'd mess with your head, do not let him do that - you already are. STOP having contact with him. DO NOT respond to anything unless it is regarding speaking or seeing the children.

Remember writing this - I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this

@Hellsbells Thanks, I didn't know that. I'll have a chat with them today. I tried them yesterday but didn't get an answer :/

It's just wearing me down, he's so adamant that he would be different, he just wants to prove it and make us all happy, that it's made me have a wobble and feel like maybe I am being unreasonable and think what if he really is sorry :(

The only thing he's sorry about is that he's lost his control over you.

Things have been bad for a very long time, do you honestly think things will change now? No they will not

He is doing as you feared, getting inside your head and making you question yourself.

You do realise he is still abusing you don't you?

So he's been abusing you 'for a very long time' and you think he will magically change if you get back together???
Abusers do NOT change.
Even if they do the 1-2 year perpetrator course it rarely works.
They either think they aren't as bad as the others on the course so don't change.
Or they find different, more subtle ways to abuse.

So what has HE suggested HE do to make HIMSELF a better person who doesn't abuse others???
I bet it's nothing at all.
I bet everything involves YOU to some extent.
And that means, he still believes, he has done nothing wrong.
It's all lip service to hoover you back in (google) and get you back in line.
He is not being accountable for his own actions.
He is NOT doing anything pro-active to help himself.

You will have wobbles OP.

But keep coming on here and we can remind you of the years of abuse and misery he has put you and your poor DC through!!!!

Christmas, relaxed, cat playing with tree, no-one walking on eggshells, everyone laughing, playing games, friends with you enjoying a drink, family dropping by with presents......

He really won't be different, he's just saying the same thing over and over hoping you will finally crack. You were so strong yesterday and of course if you hear all this lovely stuff about you you're going to start questioning yourself.

For your own sanity you have to start limiting the contact you have with him now, stick to things about the children and practical things, stop talking about your relationship because it can't be fixed. He can't articulate how things will be fixed, because he knows as soon as he gets back in he'll be back to controlling you and your actions. You deserve so so much better than him and his behaviour. One day you'll meet a man who will show you how great a relationship can be and how great it feels to live in a life full of love and no abuse.

He's lost his power over you and that's why he's so desperate to get you back. Who will he control without you there? Everyone has a wobble but stick to texts or e-mail with him. Things will not get better if he comes back, he will just do it worse.

Also never have relationship counselling with an abuser - even if you did I'd take a stab at that the counsellor would stop it and tell you he's abusing you.

If he were different / had changed, he'd be respecting your space, being kind, helping out and reassuring the kids, looking for ways to make this current separation work.

Instead he's barraging you with how you MUST give him another chance and it's you that's breaking up the family etc. But really it's not. He's just carrying on as he normally does, going on at you until you cave in.

And he won't be different, because he's not actually being different now.

Stay strong. Try and get through today. Just today.

Op.Block his number. email only for correspondence regarding the children and separation/divorce. Don't speak to him he is trying to wear you down.
Re-read what you have written and do nothing about speaking to him until you speak to women's aid.
You can so this.

If you are having a major wobble and are considering taking him back then write down all the negative things in his behaviour that made you start this thread and address each and single one with him. Ask him how exactly he is planning on addressing each issue. Don't take 'I don't know' or 'I will figure it out' for an answer. You need to hear his concrete plans. If you are satisfied with them then consider your options. But for goodness sake don't just dive right back in based on feeling sorry for him!