How to end it - please help :(

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

Ah so he's winding up the emotional blackmail now is he, and dragging the children in to it. What an utter twat.

I'd not contact him unless it is to do with the children, and then only do it via text or email. Don't call him or speak to him face to face. Ignore any communication from him other than the children.

Do not rise t the bait. That's what he's doing, baiting you (where he knows you'll be weak - the children) then once you bite he'll reel you in.

Super well done on the house front, just think of that chilled Christmas morning, no tension and a relaxed atmosphere.

I cannot believe that he has just tried to blame all of this on you because you've lost weight. Is this guy for real?!

The guilt tripping isn't working, the emotional blackmail has started now and we know the anger is about to follow....he just can't do it whilst at his parents as his true colours would come out to them.

What's most telling is he's switched his blame game - it's not him and his fault anymore, it's yours for losing weight and your fault why he can't see the kids or pick them up. I know it's a pain but drama can wait until next week when things have settled down a little, he needs to realise he can't emotionally blackmail you into wanting to be with him or staying with him, and that being with him would be out of pity not because you love him or want to stay with him. What sort of a life is that for anyone?

Well done on finding a home straight away, I'm so pleased you're envisioning your future home already. You're doing so well with him, but if I were you I'd cut contact for now. All you should be talking about is the children and if he isn't prepared to see them then there is no reason to talk to him.

Thank you all - hoping to hear on the house soon. Told my sister all about today and my mum, and their support is amazing.

Sadly if he goes to anger next being at his parents won't stop him, in fact it will just fan the flames as can be seen from them today. They are doing the opposite of helping him and are actively encouraging him not to see his children....

Oh dear his parents sound truly dreadful too. Do they truly think they are helping the situation. I would leave him to get on dealing with the consequences of his own behaviour over the years and you focus on moving on

If that's the case and him and his parents don't want to see their own children/grandchildren, isn't it best to keep them away and don't engage?

Any conversations right now should be practical ones around moving out, assets, childcare and the children's welfare. If he's not willing to discuss any of them then what's the point in contact. E-Mail or text message only, no phone calls or face to face discussions with him as he will see it as an 'in' to wear you down again.

I can't believe how strong you are being, and surely his actions now is proving all of your thoughts in the first place to be correct. He's a twat and doesn't deserve access to his children, he sounds like he will poison their mind if he does anyway. And you don't want your children being around someone so erratic right now.

Then that is up to him and just re-enforces to you what a manipulative git him and his parents are.

Just don't engage with him, don't contact him, not even to arrange to see the children. Let it come from him and keep all texts / emails etc. you may find them very helpful when solicitors and divorce get under way especially if he is being emotional abusive & blackmailing you. Every little will help especially if he becomes a total arse.

If he shows himself up to be emotional unstable then courts will look unfavourably with views to him having 50/50 access to the children (or even full access if he was vindictive enough to seek it).

What may be a good idea is to keep a diary, log everything / dates etc., him having a break down at work, when it all started, what dates he visits the children, when he picks them up from school - all of it, threats, the blackmail, everything and anything you can think of. DO NOT tell him though.

Keep the upper hand, do not let him manipulate you or catch you on the back foot.

So pleased for you that you've found somewhere to live. I am really glad you are proceeding with this. I recommend:

1. Expect nothing from him. Don't ask him to do anything to help you - including looking after the kids. He will do anything he can to make your life difficult - including messing you around over child care.
2. Don't engage in discussions with him about things that you used to do or used to enjoy or the wonderful past. It wasn't and all he is doing is making you feel guilty.
3. Make your moving out plans, only tell him what you are doing once you have a final plan. Remember you don't need his permission or his help. All you then want is for him to confirm if he would like to take the kids 1 day each weekend or every other weekend and whether he wants them 1 night per week also.
4. Put a claim for child maintenance through the CMS so you don't have to try and negotiate something with him - it is clear he won't behave like an adult and do what is best for the kids.

Best of luck and another Xmas cat to keep you smiling!

I hope you realise also that if all of this was wrong and he wasn't a self centred abusive twat, that he would be doing all he can to win you back. He'd be telling his parents to stay out of it, he'd be picking the children up and babysitting, he'd be giving you all the time and space you need to work out if it's what you really want.

Instead he's guilting you to talk to him and engage in conversation so he can persuade you it's all your hormones/weight loss/bad mood talking and that he is the perfect husband and everything will be different.

If he was a good husband, he sure as hell wouldn't be doing what he's doing right now.

Thank yiu, yes you'd assume he's be going above and beyond to show how much he's changed if that was the case...

Letting agent has just let me know that they are now checking the landlord is happy to go ahead, and then when they've confirmed that we can move forwards with it.

Onwards and upwards!

Ugh, if you had a shred of respect left for him today must’ve killed it, he’s utterly pathetic. Time to retreat into an insulated bubble where their manipulation can’t touch you, flick the switch on any guilt they manage to make you feel firmly to off and quietly go on with your plans.

I know it’s hard, you’re doing so well but it will be taking it’s toll so you need to protect yourself, a little detachment and emotional numbness from the bullshit he and his family are talking would probably be a good thing right now if you can manage it

Don't forget to ask the letting agent about kitten!

Woken up today feeling really anxious and nauseous :( missing him, and just wish we could have been happy together. Feeling really bad for breaking his heart, I hate being the reason he's hurting

Yes, my thoughts too. They do know about the kitten?

Yes they do, landlord is pet friendly apparently

You're not the reason he's hurting. It's his own doing! Nobody made him be a dick to you, he made that choice all by himself.

Interesting that you are blaming yourself for breaking his heart and he is blaming you too. Stop! He is responsible for this, his controlling and abusive behaviour has worn ‘you’ down over the years. He is to blame for your change in heart.

He can wallow in his self pity, I have seen nothing in your updates that suggest this man has had a bolt of lightening moment and he and his family have decided you must be having an affair.... yup he really is reflecting

You’ve broken his heart? Come on, seriously you really need some help for the future to find a healthy attitude towards how others should treat you and your expectations in life.

He really has done a number on you, even you're blaming yourself now for this ending when it was him.

Stay strong! Nothing he has said or done these past few days have made you realise you've made a mistake, in fact he's reverted to the typical abuser type - so read these messages if you ever feel bad and remember you're not alone.

You really haven't broken his heart- but he has broken you. He has done both by being abusive in many ways- emotional, financial and you are in fear that he wil be physically abusive again.
Please stay strong- you are over the first and second hurdles, and are fighting for your selfworth and for your chidren to be free of emotional turmoil
He is so lacking in insight that the only reason you would be leaving is an affair or you are not yourself because you have lost weight?? He is really not looking at himself. If you have him back you will be kissing your hobby goodbye.
BTW looking after his children is NOT baby sitting for you!

Have you had contact with him last night and this morning?

Because if you have, you really need to stop with it! This is what's making you feel the way you are, you're going round in a vicious circle whereby he's trying to guilt you into being with him by reminding you of times you were happy, photos of you. If he was serious about being with you he would be displaying the exact opposite behaviours of what he's doing now - and if he blames it on being heartbroken it's bollocks, he's heartbroken because he's lost his control over you.

Look at what he's done since you've announced it's over

-Blamed it on you having an affair
-Blamed it on you losing weight
-Never checked in with his kids or asked how they are
-Said he can't possibly do any childcare because of how heartbroken he is
-Blackmailing you into talking to him
-Trying to stop you doing your hobby
-Has his parents interjecting conversations to make it worse
-Emotional blackmail and begging

I'm sure the list will be much longer of things he's done. But for your own sanity stick to e-mail/text conversation with him and grey rock is your friend. If you go back to him, you can't possibly go to drama as he believes you're having an affair there, you can't have any sort of a life, can't spend your money as you will (as a side to that you need to change the account your salary goes into ASAP), can't go anywhere without being guilt tripped.

You've done the hardest part, and you are doing so so well. It'll get better and less heartbreaking for you I promise but dig in. In 12 weeks and 5 days you'll be sat around your tree with your girls opening presents and thinking this is the best thing you've ever done.

Thank you. I've not had any contact with him since yesterday lunchtime. I just feel so bad that he's off work at a newish job, constantly crying and so on because of me.

On top of that both girls have been upset tonight and this morning, missing daddy and asking for him. I feel very selfish, that I'm putting my feeling above 3 other peoples happiness :(

I just wish he'd see it's for the best as well, and that we could move forwards amicably and as friends :(

You don't know he's constantly crying - and even if it is it's not because he loves you, it's because he's lost the control he has over you.

He's showing what sort of a Dad he is by not even asking about his girls let alone wanting to see them both. That's the bit I would be finding most upsetting, and I get the impression his true colours are coming out now.

You can't stay with someone who makes you this miserable and unhappy - in a few months your girls will hopefully see him on a shared agreement, they won't be unhappy in the long run but would be if you stayed with him. How would you feel if you were in your Mum's position now with one of your girls coming to you with a relationship like you have at the moment?

Ps. The fact he's been quiet for over a day worries me that he's up to something, or something big and dramatic is about to happen.

Yes his attitude about seeing the girls has really upset me :( though he did ask how they were doing when I spoke to him yesterday...

I suppose I'm assuming he's telling the truth about crying and being upset, and over the weekend he kept it up all day and evening.