I just added myself to fb chat with dh and ow

[MissMarpleMyArse]

I'm fucking fuming. I posted recently
About dh's suspect WhatsApp activity. It all stopped but I have been keeping an eye on his phone. This afternoon when he went to the toilet I clicked his apps and saw messenger was open. I've just had the chance to snoop again while he's in the shower and found messages between him and our friend (we aren't that close with her. - well I'm not). Loads of sexual stuff. I just added myself to the conversation and said 'wow I don't see that coming'
I'm upstairs now. Neither of them have read it yet.

Angel
You say I'm being speculative, well couldn't that be said the same about you?
You don't know whether he got the message, so the OP wouldn't be 'haranging' him if she spoke to him when she's ready to make sure he's aware.
Don't you think he's a right to know?

It shouldn't be presumed that he received that message.

Yes I am being speculative, that’s why I put in so many different options that could have occurred, I should have thought that obvious 🤷🏼‍♀️

My point is in my view it’s more likely that harm will be done to him by her contacting him a third time on a subject that is likely to be immensely painful to him, if he is deliberately not responding than would be done if she leaves him alone and he hasn’t read it. He has no obligation to respond to the op, he’s going through his own stuff and to be honest if I were him I’d be really angry at her for the way she did it. She recognises that she dropped a world of pain in his lap in a really abrupt way (hence her apology later) and if I were him and she kept contacting me I’d absolutely lay into her fir having done it.

That’s just my view but I think she should leave him well alone unless and until he responds to her.

No need to be condescending towards me Angel

You have your view and I have mine, there's nothing wrong with that. From my point of view, if those messages were deleted by the OW and he has no idea his wife has been shagging about, I'd imagine that it's better that the OP contacts him (apologises for the way she initially told him, if he did in fact get the messages) and explains the situation calmly in person.

If the H hasn't been able to see those messages, then surely he'd rather know his wife's a tart than be blissfully unaware.

I'm sorry not to respond to anyone individually. But there are so many of you amazing ladies giving me support that I could t pick a few names out. Those of you who have been through this fucking hell and come out the other side happier are fining me so much hope.
I took my phone back tonight and sent him a text saying he is welcome to see our girls whenever he likes and whatever is going on between us shouldn't impact them. It rang about 5 seconds later so I declined him. Then I bet a text message saying how dare I involve his mum, and what was I thinking about telling ow husband as he's fb messaged him to say he will break his fucking legs if he sees him. And get this - "it was just a fantasy but you have made it real' WTF!!!!!!!
I text him back saying I am blocking his number, he is welcome to contact the kids and they can see him whenever. But I will only talk to him through a solicitor. (I'd better get a solicitor). To think I've been missing him all day!!
Thank you all again so much xx

What a complete twonk.

Get a solicitor pronto. He's going to be a shit.

Think you and your mum are ace.

Really feel for you MissMarple. Just as everyone predicted, he’s now blaming you for this sorry mess. None of this is your fault. Stay strong

OP - I hate when I’m right butntold you he would blame you. Nope. This is all in him and he will have to deal with the reality of HIS actions. He did this.

I really do hope you have felt supported and helped. We all come at this with our own baggage and that can be confusing at times but you sound level headed and I know you will get through this.

It’s a marathon not a sprint.

I hope you can have a good weekend with the kids xx

Classic blame shifting. What a twat.

It’s sad he’s gone on the attack but at least you know what kind of man he really is and won’t miss him.

He’s still trying to gaslight you, unbelievable.

He is a real prince isn’t he? Sexting a mutual friend but it’s all your fault OP for making it “real”. How dare you involve his mother & now you have dropped him in it with the OW’s husband. What were you thinking?
He is one deluded twat for sure.

I don’t condone violence but if the cap fits... I guess he’ll be wanting to keep a rather low profile!

You’re handling this amazingly. I can only hope that if it happened to me, I could muster a fraction of the dignity you have.

Ah MissMarple, of course this is your doing.

FFS.

what was I thinking about telling ow husband as he's fb messaged him to say he will break his fucking legs if he sees him.

That'll teach him to stay away from other men's wives.

"it was just a fantasy but you have made it real'

Good for him... I'd be so tempted to say I'll let OWs DH know its become real then.

You did the right thing telling the OWs husband there was no denying it the way you did it.

shame on them

You're mum is a marvellous support btw.

So it's your fault his decision to sext someone has consquences?

The husband has kicked off because of what he has done. Not what you have done OP. He can't even take responsibility for his own actions.

How dare you involve his mum? What about how dare he fucking cheat and involve someone else in your marriage.

MissMarple you are one class act. And your mum is awesome. I'm really glad you have such amazing support.

Good luck to you and your DCs.

It was a fantasy they were both indulging in at the expense of their partners. Even if it is true, he was still wrong and I'd still view it as cheating. Sorry you're going through this op. Definitely get a solicitor.

how dare I involve his mum, thats a life lesson, dont do anything that you would be ashamed for your mum to know eh?

If you post what area of the country you are in, posters might send you the names of good solicitors.

Typical cheating ass made it all about himself... sounds like you're well rid.

How dare he try and turn it round on you!!! What a fucking knob jockey!!

This is all his fault, the ow’s dh is his fault, his mum is his fault, THIS is all his fault

Clearly it's everyone's fault but his...............

Stay strong, lovely. This will be horrendous but you will have your self respect and that is truly priceless

Bloody absolute arse!

Can't think of enough expletives.

At least you know now that he really doesn't give a shit or have the slightest hint of guilt about what he is done.

Every complaint is about how he is affected.

If you had talked to him last night and not sent his suitcase to his mother he would be trying to bullshit you that he was sorry and wanted to try again.

You are worth 100x what he is.

Is it wrong that I'm actually laughing/feeling almost sorry for this man. He's hopeless, he doesn't stand a chance. He's not thought about anything that could happen when he had an affair and now he's learning very quickly!

Stay ahead, stay strong. Get your solicitor sorted.

Wow he really does take the biscuit doesn't he? Proud of you for being so strong.

@MsOliphant Yes dear, however, if your username is anything to go by then you don't have the best relationship with your mother. OP's mother is -
A) a bloody legend, and,
B) well aware as to what her daughter needs/wants and would almost certainly hand back said phone if her daughter was desperate to have it. Which she's not because her cunt of a husband has already made his choice and the OP is not a doormat.

I frankly can't believe that you are that keen to tell us all how you'd demand to see his messages and all the pathetic reasons, apologies and excuses which would be soooo important to you.

Well done,OP.

What a ratbag! They do try to blame you. Stay strong. See how he hasn't mentioned his kids. Bastard.
When this happened to me, the support i got from Mumsnet was just amazing. Keep going, let your mum handle any hand overs with the kids if need be don't give him chance to get at you.