I just added myself to fb chat with dh and ow

[MissMarpleMyArse]

I'm fucking fuming. I posted recently
About dh's suspect WhatsApp activity. It all stopped but I have been keeping an eye on his phone. This afternoon when he went to the toilet I clicked his apps and saw messenger was open. I've just had the chance to snoop again while he's in the shower and found messages between him and our friend (we aren't that close with her. - well I'm not). Loads of sexual stuff. I just added myself to the conversation and said 'wow I don't see that coming'
I'm upstairs now. Neither of them have read it yet.

All will all get better. You'll have a life not clouded by suspicions.

I hope you and your girls are as okay as you can be.

Love and strength.

OP - I hope you're doing OK, and your Mum continues to support you so well x.

2 points I'd suggest:

1. tell the kids and his Mum that he cheated. So he can't make you out to be the bad guy who is kicking him out.
2. teenagers can contact their Dad for access themselves - presumably they have phones of their own.

Well done OP. I think you have to accept you’ll miss him as feel shitter than a shit thing on a shit day at times... but you’ve behaved with dignity and taken no shit from either of them. That’s something you will look back on and be proud you did

If he does try to make it up, you will find this intoxicating and relief that he wants you. You may be optimistic and think it doesn't need to be the end. Try to resist as once his feet are back under the table he may wander again. You'll never trust him again - wonder where he is / what he's doing. Save yourself the drama.

Oh MissMarple

Believe it or not you’re doing brilliantly. You managed to make really good progress before the adrenaline wore off and so you are now in a pretty strong position.

You might find it helpful to have a look at whether you’re entitled to any benefits. This can be a really helpful website:
www.entitledto.co.uk

How have the girls taken it? Are they old enough to manage their own contact with him?

What a shit bag. You're marvellous.

So sorry you have to go through this. He's shit. Stay strong OP!

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I went through very similar just after Christmas. Found work emails on his ipad between husband and a younger woman at work while he was at work. When he got home, I had screen shot all the messages, packed him a bag and I told him to leave.
She was also living with someone, apparently.

Those first few moths were horrendous, the first few weeks involving me running on pure adrenaline to make sure the kids were as ok as they could be and I had amazing support from friends and family.

I gradually came out of the darkness though and referred myself for counselling. Just keep talking to those who care about you and know that although it doesn't seem like it now, you WILL be ok and it WILL get better. Don't waste any more time or love on someone who was so willing to let you go.

Nine months on and the tables seem to have turned. He and OW are still together but every time I see him (which is a fair bit because of our kids), he looks stressed, tired and old. I on the other hand have met someone else and have spent the summer doing things with my kids and friends that I probably would have never done before.

I really believe that these 'men' will regret their impulse 'thinking with their nether regions' actions. Maybe not right now but they will.

I can’t remember who suggested it ... but you can’t really block your xh on your phone when you have kids together and certainly not while this is going on.

Hands up who wished they could block their xh and he’d just fuck off and live on the moon 🖐

I suggest you tell the dc the truth. Leaving him on a pedastal is no good imo. Let them decide if /when they see him. No need to contact him at all until if /when it suits you.
You are ace op.
An example to anyone dealing with a twat.

My two still don't know the 'truth' about why we split. We told them we weren't making each other happy any more, which broke my heart as we had been very happy until he started having an affair.
I figure they had been upset enough, without adding the fact that their beloved Daddy is a cheating scumbag. They will know in time...kids aren't kids forever and these things have a way of coming out.

Sensible summary from Angelf1sh for all those short on reading comprehension skills.

Thanks for coming back to update OP, it can't be nice to read people tearing apart your story because they can't follow a timeline or see a troll round every corner. That's great advice from Bananasinpyjamas, read that if nothing else.

I think you are doing great. FWIW I wouldn't tell the kids about OW. I also wouldn't contact ow husband either. You've told him, leave it for him to digest and act accordingly. Sending hugs x

OP, with regards to your messaging the OW's husband, there's a good chance that he didn't even get your message and doesn't have a clue what's been going on.

The OW, freaked out by your messaging her, could have immediately kept hold of her own h's phone in case you contacted him, which you did.
For all you know, OW may have deleted your message to her H.

If I were you, I'd be speaking to her H either in person, or by phone, to ensure he's being put in the picture.

Don't let her get away with anything!

I think you’ve got this OP.

I’m really pleased you’re going to allow yourself to process it before telling your DCs. No matter how much hurt he caused you, and how much pain you are in, you have to co-parent your children. Event when you are raging and screaming inside. 😔

My XH will always be a dick. God knows how much he hurt me, and I will never forgive or forget, but i’ve Never let it consume me. Our kids are ok and that to my mind is the most important thing.

I think I can honestly say at this point, that it will be ok.

I wouldn't contact her DH again. Nothing you say now is going to make him feel any better or lessen the shock, and how he deals with the information is up to him.

Oh, and I wouldn’t do anything WRT the OW. Leave her and her H to it.

You’ve got to focus on yourself and your family.

My father cheated on my mum when I was 6. For quite a while.

Though I think it was quite obvious for me, mum just explained it as "Daddy fell out of love with Mummy. It sometimes happens. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore. He still loves you just as much..." etc.

My father was a cheating, abusive scumbag. But I would not have heard a bad word against him at the time because he was my Daddy and I adored him. I'm glad she didn't lower herself to slagging him off in front of me.

That’s a bit speculative blueberriesandbananas, what if he has read it and doesn’t believe it/wants to work it through/has an open relationship and has approved it/is in real pain and trying to process it? If I were him I wouldn’t want the wife of the man who my wife had cheated on me with, calling me to harangue me/demand I do something/find out what I’m doing/repeat distressing info to me in person. She’s done what she can to tell him and Imo she should leave them to it.

Op you are fucking brilliant

I disagree Goldilocks, at this very vulnerable time she can definitely block him. He can be given the mothers mobile number for emergencies etc, at least he wouldn't be blowing up that phone with begging phone calls or texts.
I wasted 6 months of my life

Wow op well done x

OP keep going,stay strong. Ignore the silly comments on here. There is no need to explain or justify yourself to anyone of us, you're the one going through this hell. Take care x

@MissMarpleMyArse, you absolute bloody hero.