I just added myself to fb chat with dh and ow

[MissMarpleMyArse]

I'm fucking fuming. I posted recently
About dh's suspect WhatsApp activity. It all stopped but I have been keeping an eye on his phone. This afternoon when he went to the toilet I clicked his apps and saw messenger was open. I've just had the chance to snoop again while he's in the shower and found messages between him and our friend (we aren't that close with her. - well I'm not). Loads of sexual stuff. I just added myself to the conversation and said 'wow I don't see that coming'
I'm upstairs now. Neither of them have read it yet.

Links to that sub-Reddit are deleted from MN

Men are so dumb. He couldn't even be bothered to delete the messages or at least try to hide them. What a utter @!$#
Having been through it lots of times with my ex - if I could tell the then me one thing, it would be - get out! It won't get better & you're just wasting valuable time with him.
Good luck!

I'm still a bit confused about the whatssap convo - if you form a group don't the members have to accept an invite , same with FB chat (messenger ) .

So pleased to see you've got great support in your mum, hope the kids are ok x

Not for WhatsApp. This was FB, apparently. I don't think you have to accept on that either. But I don't know about seeing earlier posts. Not sure you even create a group when there are just 2, but maybe you do on FB. In WhatsApp you have to specifically make a group, so couldn't just add people to a conversation between 2 people. I think. Anyway, OP is long gone, at least in her original form.

I've just had a look. On my phone at least, you can't add anyone to a conversation between two people, you have to set up a group chat.

I think she'd added herself to the wattsapp convo from lying, cheating, scumbag DHs phone. Genius stroke, op. Hope you're doing ok, in the circumstances.

On my phone at least, you can't add anyone to a conversation between two people, you have to set up a group chat.

You can add someone into a conversation on messenger easily by tapping the name at the top (of the person you are talking to) and scrolling down to group chat. You don't have to set up a new group chat, all you are doing is adding another person to the conversation.

Surely OP needs her phone to be calling a solicitor and sorting stuff out? I don't think her mum would still have it now. First night yes, but not now. She needs to be making arrangements for the kids and sorting out a separate bank account and all the other things that happen after a relationship ends.

On a Facebook messenger chat once you are added you can scroll back and see the whole conversation. You can’t on WhatsApp.

For those being horrible please just jog on to another thread

OP and OPs mum - you've handled this so well especially Mum having phone. Better to find out than live a lie and he can't continue to ruin your self esteem and confidence anymore.

She could also just block his number 🤷🏼‍♀️

My understanding of the story is this:

1. OP has had previous suspicions about her other half based on unusual WhatsApp activity so whilst he was in the shower she took the chance to snoop through his phone.

2. she found nothing odd on WhatsApp but she found a series of messages with another woman on Facebook messenger, they included sexual content

3. these messages were recorded via screenshots

4. she added her own account to the Facebook message and replied so they’d know she’d seen it.

5. she then went upstairs and waited for him to come out of the shower (rather than confronting him as I would have in the circumstances but that’s just me) and for the ow to read it.

6. she then, presumably from her own phone now, created a group chat including the OWs husband (it’s not clear to me how she knew who he was, I’m guessing she must know the OW) and shared the screenshots which I guess she’d sent to her phone from his.

7. she throws him out

8. Mum comes round with booze and takes her phone away so she can’t weaken if he calls her. It also means she can’t reply (not that I think it would be the first thing on anyone’s mind in these circumstances anyway, often the OP vanishes abruptly. Sidebar: I often wonder wonder whether that Sycamore4Trees in Scotland stayed with her husband after everything that went on. She was wavering and then stopped posting, which is obviously fair enough. Or whether frenchmartini had the baby. Anyway I’m digressing).

9. ow and her husband have unsurprisingly not responded to her

10. lots of people think it’s made up in part because most of the posts are saying the same thing (“you’re so strong”, “you go girl”, “Your Mum sounds great”). Having read mumsnet for a few years now I don’t find this particularly unusual, most of the comments on threads sound the same to me (“you sound lovely” i find especially grating).

11. There’s a reddit thread that’s easily googleable if you want to read it. Imo it’s the same as reading this thread, all of those comments sound the same too.

That’s my synopsis for anyone who keeps asking the same questions that have been asked about how she could be on his phone at the same time he was!

Think u have summed it up angel. That is how I understood it to be as well
I hope you are ok op and your mum is still looking after you

Good summary. Only add is I’m sure I read several pages back that she does indeed know the other woman. I got the impression they were acquaintances

Wonder if OP has her phone back yet and if OWs poor DH has replied.

Hello. I'm sorry I didn't post anything yesterday. I didn't want to even set eyes on my phone. Can I just clarify a few points

1. I am not making this up. It made me cross to read that, but I guess some people do. Unfortunately this shit is my life.
2. My mum didn't 'take' my phone, I should have made that clearer. I said to her that I was worried (especially after a few wines) that I would have a wobble if I heard from him so we agreed she would have my phone and delete any pointless shit. All of it as it turns out. I didn't think to screen shot the messages

3 a Pp summed it up pretty well. I was suspicious about that WhatsApp so have been keeping an eye on his phone. It's an iPhone so I double clicked and swiped through the apps that were open. And messenger was. When he went in the shower he left the phone on the side, hso that when I took photos and added myself to the convo. Everything else was done from my phone

We aren't big friends with the other couple, see them for a social thing a few of us do every so often. Friends with them both on Facebook though. No surprise that she has blocked me now though.

I've packed all of his stuff up and my mum took it to his mums, he hasn't even told her so she had no idea. My mum said that she would leave it up to him to explain. I've scanned all the stuff I can find, thanks to people who have given me pointers on this. I will read back through for anything I have missed.

Not heard anything from ow husband. I'm almost feeling bad for telling him now. I'm not sure whether to message him again or just leave it.

Lastly, thank you sooooo much to everyone who has been supportive. I'm not feeling very strong this morning. Every last bit of adrenaline has worn off, and in a stupid way I miss him. Until I read those fb messages again. Thanks also for the tips on 'the script'. I know I have to contact him with regards to the DC (2 teenage girls) so I will be waiting for the stages that follow deny and minimise.
Thanks again everyone xx

You're doing great to be even able to string a sentence together! I'm sorry it's all so shit.

I know that 99.9% of us knew that you'd agreed about the phone.
The adrenalin will come and go.
Your mum can liaise with him about contact with the DC for now.
You just need to concentrate on yourself for the next few days.
Don't think about anything in terms of days or weeks for now.
Just take each hour as it comes.
Be practical if you can, but not until you are ready.
Most importantly, look after yourself.
Cry when you want. Go out for a walk and scream when you want (that's a great release, trust me). Sleep when you can because you'll have days and days where you don't sleep!
Lean on others - they want to help.
KOKO!!

and strength.

I wouldn’t contact OWs husband if I were you. You’ve told him (and apologised for the way you did it) and that’s all theinteraction you need to have I think. It’s up to him how he decides to handle it now.

💐🍰☕️🍷

You will be ok

You will get through this I promise it may take months (or years) but the important thing to remember is that there is no going back. Sending strength your way 💪🏻💪🏻

Don't feel bad about telling the husband. I badly wish the husband of my friend-who was having an affair with my husband-had told me. I felt worse knowing he'd known and Not said and I'd have been grateful to him if he'd told me before I found out. The husband in this case probably will be too.

I think you were right to give your phone to your mum. I did similar as I knew I'd be texting or re reading the messages I had seen (which I had on my phone as I had screen shots ) and driving myself mad. Nothing wrong with that-seems a sensible approach to me.

You will miss him-it's natural to-whatever he's done he's been your life for years-change is scary and it's easy to think about the good things about him, especially when you feel so shaken. Plus it's hard to divorce the man you thought you knew to the man you know see before you mentally.

Give yourself plenty of time.
How are the DD's? What have you said to them?

Christ I wish someone had taken my phone at the time! It’s amazing how vulnerable we are in these moments, our whole lives are uprooted. Betrayal is AWFUL. And so if our DH then gives us the possibility, that maybe, just maybe, our lives aren’t about to go into freefall it’s a very, very tempting road.

Definitely did the right thing telling her husband. None of this is your fault and you cannot be keeping their secret. I don’t understand anyone who thinks keeping awful betrayals a secret ‘in order not to hurt feelings’ is okay. It isn’t. You’ve given her husband the knowledge and RESPECT to make his own choice.

You will desperately miss him.

It will be very tough facing evenings on your own, and liaising about the kids.

He will be desperately trying to make it up.

I’d strongly advise being ‘minimal contact’ for at least 2 months and more if you can. You can talk to him but wait months to do this. Anything he says now will be in desperation, minimising, regretful and you are vulnerable.

You need time to get your head clear. You don’t have to make any decisions at all. Just get on with your life and keep really busy. Take the kids off for treats and nice things. Spend time with friends.

Only communicate with him very matter of factly and only about arrangements. See solicitors, get everything in line as if you are divorcing but you can pull that trigger whenever you like. Do temporary EOW arrangements with kids and keep it centred around what you think works. You can always do things differently if you feel like it but don’t give in to letting the kids see their Dad loads just because you feel bad. The kids need stability and their home.

Good luck.