I just added myself to fb chat with dh and ow

[MissMarpleMyArse]

I'm fucking fuming. I posted recently
About dh's suspect WhatsApp activity. It all stopped but I have been keeping an eye on his phone. This afternoon when he went to the toilet I clicked his apps and saw messenger was open. I've just had the chance to snoop again while he's in the shower and found messages between him and our friend (we aren't that close with her. - well I'm not). Loads of sexual stuff. I just added myself to the conversation and said 'wow I don't see that coming'
I'm upstairs now. Neither of them have read it yet.

You and your mum are such amazing strong women. Good luck OP

Now read it all ! Your mum is fantastic too !

Well done, OP - I can only agree with everyone else that your amazing mum is clearly where you got your awesomeness from!

I reckon it won't be long from the post-adrenaline crash to sheer fucking RELIEF that you have (Slow) Wanker out of your life. How fucking dare he mess with your mind like that? I bet he still doesn't know what hit him!

Just read the whole thread. You are amazing OP and so strong. I'm glad you've got your Mum there to support you.

Reading this has made me realise how quickly your whole life can turn on it's head. But you future is brighter without that waste of space in it.

I forgot to add it was very kind of you to send the separate message to the husband but don't feel bad, as well as being in the worst shock of your life, in reality he was going to need to see those messages as they were clearly going to minimise it all as per the cheaters script.

To those saying they have to co-parent in the long term are right but it doesn’t mean she has to take shit in the short term. It’s healthy and right that she vents her anger so he knows full well what the consequences are of his appalling and calculated behaviour.

The OP is only human as is her mum, they are entitled to express anger. I also think her mum taking away her phone is a good thing. It gives her emotional space to deal with the shock. Plus it means he cannot emotionally blackmail her or harass her. He now knows this is serious and he can’t just brush it under the carpet.

Take it one step at a time OP

Just read this thread and cannot believe how amazingly strong you are. I don't even know you but you are my hero. What an awful thing to go through. Love to you

Well done OP you are incredibly brave and your mom is amazing keep talking and make sure you get good advice - thinking of you

You and your mum are amazing! Best of luck to you op.

Personally I think that if you want to relinquish your phone just for some headspace for now that’s entirely understandable. I don’t think the OP is naive to the fact that at some point she has to deal with children, legal stuff etc with the man she thought she had a life with.

You have to learn to shutdown and ignore the bullshit and only deal with him on matters that are absolutely necessary.

So glad you have a strong, proactive and caring Mum there by your side.

I think more than anything when the fizzing anger subsides if there is just bitter disappointment left that will equip you with the sense of purpose and matter of factnesss to rebuild your life. Shouting, recrimination and hate will just eat you up. Let his guilt and hideousness eat him up. You show him you can carry on. Because you can.

One day at a time

I agree with PP. I know your mum is helping initially but she can’t railroad in - you have to be on top of it. Let her have your phone but ask not to delete the messages. It’s not that you’ll be taken in by it all - but there are kids involved. Yes you’re allowed your anger etc but I agree with PP you have kids together. Reading his messages doesn’t mean you’ll get back together.

I’m so glad your mum is there for YOU! But you need to also think of the DC and their father. I know he doesn’t deserve anything but he will probably want contact with his kids and you have to have some sort of commmnciation. In saying that you can initially F and blind as much as you want - but you need to read everyhibg that is sent.

I’m glad that your mum is supporting you OP and her deleting the numbers is a good idea. If you kept reading them, people would be telling you to block him. This way she can ensure the gaslighting cheating slow wanker isn’t able to continue manipulating you.

Since her mother was the first person she called for support, I am sure the OP and the mother have a good healthy relationship and boundaries.

The op sounds grateful not annoyed at her mum. So let's leave it. How the OP chooses to deal with this, even if it's letting her mum take the lead for now, is up to her.

I think it's incredibly mature of op and her mum to put her first and to not be taken in by his excuses and harassment (the amount of messages).
Self care is important. She is picking her battles

@Notacluewhatthisis I was also thinking exactly what you said!

Isn't the first rule of mysogyny that "women are responsible for what men do"?
So after saying he didn't do anything, he'll say it was all a woman's fault (blaming the other woman or you, unfortunately). I hope you can disengage and not pay any attention to his excuses.

He chose to do this.
He chose the consequences.
It's not your job to make it easier for him.
Stay strong 💐

For those telling the OP to think about his contact with the kids, FFS let the poor woman catch her breath. She’s just found out her scumbag husband was cheating on her. She doesn’t have to think about contact yet. She needs time to look after herself. If she’s not able to do that, then she’ll make mistakes. She’s not getting on the first plane out of the country, just trying to deal with the situation. If he doesn’t see them for a week or two, while she sorts out things, it’s not going to hurt them. If she does that calmly, then it’s no different than if a parent goes on holiday.

You've been so brave and your lovely mum a great help.
Do though keep all his msgs you might need them later. They profided me with harrasment evidence when my exh tried to come back insisting it was his right.on one of many court appearances he was ordered to stop.
You don't have to read them. If you get a solicitor he/she can read them if necessary. I bought a cheap phone that I started using so I wasn't inflicted by exh rants & could still communicate freely with everyone else. I kept the 2nd phone number from exh.

OP, you're amazing as is your mum. I'm so sorry about what's happening to you but my god, you're handling it like a BOSS

Stay strong x

No surprise your mum is a warrior like you. Well done OP and massive respect to you. Hope the next bit is not too hard.

You and your mum sound fab. So strong.
LOVE the word strumpet!
Love and hugs to you.

Wow your mum is amazing. You handled it great. Wow.

You are EPIC for the way you handled that! Sending you hugs and kisses you poor thing, what an awful thing to have to read.

On a practical note.....Make sure you have enough money in the bank because you are going to need it. Screenshot everything. And consult with a lawyer ASAP

Please tell your mum to screenshot those messages before deleting them. They are your proof when you need it, as he will undoubtedly lie & try to turn it on you.

So glad you have your mum with you - she sounds brilliant.
I went through something similar a few years ago - it is a truly awful experience.

Just wanted to say about the gaslighting - as a PP said it is typical of these cheating men. You will probably get lots of things popping into your head over the next few weeks where you go 'Oh - that all makes sense now' in the light of what you have found out.
They will make you feel hurt and angry. Making you think you are crazy and unreasonable is one of the cruellest things, so although the realisations of all his lies will hit you each time, they'll also help you regain your confidence in your own judgement. Whatever you were thinking when he was gaslighting, you weren't crazy you were right.

I'd also suggest reading up about 'the Script' which is something many cheating men do (mine did almost textbook) - someone onhere can probably link for you, then you will be prepared for all the rubbish he is going to come out with over the next few weeks.

Stay strong - you are doing absolutely brilliantly, you're an amazing woman, and you've got loads of mners rooting for you