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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/10/2018 20:40

I am by myself. I do believe I must drive people away

No - the awful atmosphere around the whole situation is what can drive people away if they just don't know what to say or can't cope with it. And that "life sentence" isn't something you're moving towards but an awful fate which, in reality, you have the chance to move away from

But the rewards of having better people around you in a happier future seem unlikely to come while you remain enmeshed in this horror, which is perhaps one reason why many of us have urged you to close it down

By the way, is the lovely friend who came to stay with you after the assault still around? I'm just wondering if this would be a good time to reach out to her ...

ohfourfoxache · 12/10/2018 20:46

NO.

You are lovely. Absolutely lovely

You’re strong and brave and practical and funny. You know right from wrong, fair from unfair and selfless from selfish. You’ve seen the nasty side of life and chose to turn away. You’re forgiving (too forgiving perhaps) and one of the most genuine posters I’ve ever “met” on here.

This is their problem. NONE of this is your fault.

Look at how many of us are here, saying the same thing. We can’t all be wrong.

Please, I know you don’t want to be told what to do, but I’m begging you, please consider prosecution. End this, and show them up for the heartless cunts they are xx

Malbecfan · 12/10/2018 20:59

Oh LittleMiss, it's so not you. We're all here for you, holding your hand metaphorically and wth you every step of the way.

I'm a parent and I am staggered that any parent can behave as yours have done. You didn't ask for this and certainly don't deserve any of it. They are not worthy of you as their child.

With our help, you must pick yourself up again, dust yourself down and put one foot in front of the other and plod away from them. It will be hard but we are here to read and support you. Don't contact them again. Doing so only validates their appalling actions in their eyes. Maintain your dignity and walk away xxx

Mum2jenny · 12/10/2018 21:15

It's definitely not you littlemiss. Please do contact the Samaritans if you feel really bad. They are really good, call 116123 if you think it would be helpful to you. FlowersWine

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 21:21

I'm really not coping

I'm beginning to believe it's all my fault. The loneliness, telling the GP.

Just keep crying

Can't stop thinking about Christmas Day alone.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 12/10/2018 21:23

Hmmm i wpuld try and stop thinking like that. Why would you want to have Christmas with these people?

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 21:24

I'm just so scared of being alone. And that message has had the desired effect

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 12/10/2018 21:27

They are doing to you again what they did a month ago. Their violence and making it out to be all your responsibility and fault.

You will get through tonight missdemeanour. Can you call your friend? you need her right now. Pick up the phone, lovely.

Get through tonight and then get through tomorrow and then the day after. Don't look ahead, take it a day at a time.

Their behaviour is appalling and it's crumble and go under and be their whipping girl forever, or keep on going day by day. Hour by hour if you have to.

You are a very strong woman and know what's right for you.

Mum2jenny · 12/10/2018 21:28

Where abouts in the country are you? As OPs may be able to give you nice options for spending Xmas!

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 21:30

Your words are so kind, thank you. All of you.

Just the realisation that I've been alone and unloved is because I have never experienced it. I don't think.

Friend out for supper, don't want to disturb her.

OP posts:
Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 21:30

Miles away from civilisation: scotland. Lol

OP posts:
ContessasGulagSpaDay · 12/10/2018 21:32

OP - in the kindest way, would you rather be in company and abused rather than alone and safe? That's old thinking there; that's what they've taught you to prefer. You've been talking this week about hiding in your house, your safe place, alone. Honestly being on your own is so much better than being with them.

They are egotistical enough to think you'll be horrified at being without their bullying, abusive presence. They've taught you to feel that way. Learn to reach down past that, to the bit inside which gives a sigh of relief when you get into your house, close the curtains and establish a sanctuary. You will be safer and happier without them, truly.

Mum2jenny · 12/10/2018 21:33

Scotland is not the end of the universe. I am quite a way from there but I do know nice places in Scotland where you'd be made welcome.

LavenderBush · 12/10/2018 21:36

Thinking of you, OP. You deserve so much better than this, and you will get to a much better place - take care of yourself, stay strong, your kind and generous personality will attract people who value you as you deserve.

Aussiebean · 12/10/2018 21:40

Remember that they have had your entire life to condition you into feeling this way so that you will be at their beck and call.

You have stepped out of line so they are drawing on their experience to get you back. I would bet that threatening you with being alone has occurred over many years.

There is a lot of projection there and probably a lot of fear as now you have possibly left, they are stuck with each other. I imagine that will be a different kind of hell.

Don’t worry now about being alone. You have way more strength in you then you realise. A fact very clear to us, especially those who have been through what you have. Spend the next few months healing, nurturing yourself and getting to know the you that exists away from these horrible excuses for human beings.

If you alone at Christmas, I am betting it would be be a pleasant surprise. No anxiety, no name calling, no threats. While hard. There will be a lot less of the toxic crap you have had to suffer.

But don’t worry about that now.

Just remember you are wonderful. Despite what the narcissistic abusive people say.

GimmeBread · 12/10/2018 21:47

I'm in Scotland - gie's a hug and tell your parents to get tae fuck.

Your parents are bloody awful people. Maybe now it's time to block them for a little while. Maybe screen-shot their latest message as evidence and as a reminder if you start to wobble, delete it but don't allow any more messages to come through for a while.

Thanks for you x

MonoClue · 12/10/2018 21:47

Little miss, I’m in Scotland (Fife) and I’ve been through similar to you. Drop me a PM if you’re near me and would like to talk.
You’re also welcome for Christmas if you want Flowers

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 21:50

Thank you both so much. I will PM you @MonoClue

OP posts:
LavenderBush · 12/10/2018 21:52

Just to say that I have been alone at Christmas and I still have fond and happy memories of it. It was so much nicer than being with my toxic family. Try it - you will like it!!

2018SoFarSoGreat · 12/10/2018 22:02

LittleMiss please don't despair. These people are just bad humans. It is surprising that you are as lovely as you are. Don't let them make you forget that. Keep keeping on. You are not alone.

I'm sending you a good Scottish cuddle.

Lilsquish · 12/10/2018 22:05

@littlemiss

i have just come across ur thread and can relate to everything you are feeling.

im going through a horrendous time with my parents and sibling just now (and for the past two years) and have been completely rejected by them. have posted on here about it in the past.

im currently NC but am newly pregnant so its causing me a whole new world of pain.

just wanted to message to say i understand and you are not alone.

thinking of you xxx

ps im in Scotland too

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 22:07

Hi @Lilsquish firstly, congratulations on the pregnancy Grin

I'm sorry it's dredged up the shit. The future me feels like she can relate do that.

PM me if you want to talk

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 12/10/2018 22:14

Flowers hugs to you.

6SpringCats · 12/10/2018 22:15

Stay strong. Being alone is better than being with abusers
And once you move through this you will start to be strong enough to make more friends
But for now you need to heal - look back at your words "How could he do this to me" you don't need that sort of person in your life.
I will be alone this Christmas from choice because I am NC with my own narcissistic mother - I was last year and it was infinitely better than the time when I was persuaded to spend the day with her (I needed a few of her valium just to walk thro her door)
Please consider blocking thier number now. Any chance you can talk to your counsellor soon?
Pulling for you and sending strength vibes - keep on plodding onwards
Flowers

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 22:18

@6SpringCats I'm really sorry to read of your situation

How did you cope with NC initially ?

OP posts: