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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/10/2018 22:20

Littlemiss I just noticed that your thread is nearly up to 900 posts - I'm sure you know that 1000 is the maximum it will take

Can I suggest in advance that, if you want to start another, it might be worth creating the new one and linking to it on here? It's just that I wouldn't want a source of support to disappear into the ether, or for us to struggle to find you

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 22:21

@Puzzledandpissedoff yes- at what point should I do that? Now?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 12/10/2018 22:23

Based on how you are judging yourself, all abuse victims must have done something to deserve their treatment?

Come on my lovely, you know you’d never say this about anyone else and yet you think it an appropriate way to judge yourself!

Try it you can to step outside of the emotions you feel, the emotions those messages were designed to make you feel. Now is the time to try to think through this logically. It what you need to do to be able to tease out those emotions and start on the journey needed to change your reactions.

Your parents know exactly what buttons to press so it’s no wonder they’ve magically hit a nerve. The only way things will get better is for you to continue to see them and their actions for what they really are and therefore react differently so that their power over you grows weaker Flowers

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 22:26

This is what I sent so you can see. Didn't want to be any avoidance in their minds about what it was. The reply I got was the prison text

Reflect on what happened that night. Reflect on the charges the police wanted me to press (assault, abduction). Assess why I didn’t want to talk to you both. Reflect on the fact in not one of the messages have you shown any consideration for how I am. It’s all been about my behaviour; and an insinuation I chose it. Then latterly, threats, and showing up at my home. I will not respond to that.

Dress it up however you want. Wine was thrown on me, my top was ripped in three places, my phone was taken off me, as were my shoes.

A fake sectioning call was made in order to control me. From being restrained, I was covered in bruises, my earring fell out and the police were told by you what happened, and I’ve given a statement, backed up by the admission made by you both that night. There is also a catalogue of photos.

You also told me I was disgusting and when I needed the bathroom, that you didn’t care if I pissed on the floor.

You took my dignity, assaulted me and humiliated me. I was so scared of you both and of her threats about getting me sectioned I phoned the police, you wouldn’t let me leave. You have no idea what’s happened since.

You seen unable to grasp the magnitude of this, and impact its had on me.

Yet still, no remorse.

Please do not gaslight any of this- it’s all recorded, and these are the material facts.

GM and GF are well aware (Gf) reached out to me the following day, and I told the truth). As is Uncle x (from GM). Perhaps they’ve said something, perhaps they haven’t.

I’m aware of the lies that have been told since, and how perfectly normal everyone carried on.

Tell the truth and shame the devil.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/10/2018 22:33

at what point should I do that?

Maybe when it gets up to about 950, if that feels right to you? Hopefully that should mean all your supporters have time notice the new thread before the old one closes

By the way, I know you said your friend's out for supper tonight, but with it being the weekend would it be worth calling her tomorrow? I just wondered if it might be a good opportunity to see a friendly face - maybe even to do some everyday, "ordinary" thing like nip out for lunch if you feel up to it?

Nagaram · 12/10/2018 22:34

Brilliant message you sent. No wonder you got that response. They can’t justify it rationally so they have lashed out.
You are free. They’re the ones in a prison of hate. Tell the truth shame the devil is a brilliant quote x

6SpringCats · 12/10/2018 22:37

Being NC was a great relief to me. I do struggle with MH issues as a result of my upbringing but I am mostly much happier and calmer without her.
This is despite the fact I had to move out of the family home because she lives next door.
Keeping my fingers crossed you hear from work soon and it sorts itself out, work has been my best distraction

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 22:42

Thanks @Puzzledandpissedoff I'm going over to see her tomo. Conscious I don't want to project onto anyone either

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 12/10/2018 22:52

Your message was reasonable, accurate, specific and provable.

They would fucking hate it.

Note they responded with pure emotion and no rationality. No logic; no genuine specific argument. It was intense, heavy, hatefilled manipulation.

Remember how your mother could not even begin to take in what the police said to her.

I know you feel like utter shit right now, but stand back and look at what you wrote, and what they responded.

justilou1 · 12/10/2018 22:54

I’m so glad you’re going to see your friend, Littlemiss. You really need a hug: just remember that the feelings tonight’s message have dredged up are those of the child that had been conditioned to believe that this behaviour is normal and that you must somehow deserve this kind of treatment. The adult who has been clearly expressing boundaries has been “doing it” this week. (At least on this forum - where people have been telling you what you “MUST DO NOW” because they are on their own page, etc. You might feel like you have only climbed onto the bottom step of what must feel like Jacob’s Ladder, but that first step really is the biggest. (Obviously with the work crap going on as well, you have even more than most to deal with, you poor love - but I have a feeling that with all of us, it’s not unrelated. Personally, I still have an unrealistic expectation that life should be fair and that justice should prevail. Luckily I don’t work in the legal system, or I’d have a permanently broken heart.)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/10/2018 22:57

Delighted you're seeing that friend, but please don't hold back with her; after what happened before I'm sure she'll be desperate to support you in any way she can

Oh, and there's nothing wrong with your text telling the simple truth, but (at the risk of you shouting at me Sad) I'll confess I'm sorry you sent it - purely because their reply was so utterly predictable and I hate to see you hurt further. Knowing their determination to reel you back in I am, however, surprised they didn't ask "what lies had been told since" in the hope of you engaging further, but no doubt that or similar will be along in due course

As so many of us have said there'll come a point where no contact probably has to mean exactly that, but only you can make that decision

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 22:58

Thanks @Puzzledandpissedoff
What got to them wasn't what they did, it was the fact id the audacity to talk to family about it.

OP posts:
chickenloverwoman · 12/10/2018 23:08

This is the really hard bit, the bit where they up their blame shame game to try to make you in the wrong and reel you back in with Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG)
I recommend the Out of the Fog website.
Stay strong and have a hug. I'd happily meet up for an evening out with you, you sound fab!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/10/2018 23:12

But it doesn't matter how they feel about what you said to the family or anyone else; their opinions, like their entire personalities, are worthless and quite obviously they're not going to change now

This is what I meant about that glad day in the future (and it will happen if you let it) when peace and happiness will be yours because you simply won't care any more. I'm off to bed now, but while I realise you'll consider that "not caring" impossible right now, it really is achievable if you reach for it

And as I've also said before, I know you'll get there Flowers

RainbowsArePretty · 13/10/2018 00:35

They are trying to weaken you & make you second guest your actions & instincts. That's what abusers do

Stay strong Smile

RubiksQueen · 13/10/2018 00:59

Their reply was not 'how dare you say we did those things' but 'how dare you tell people we did those things'. Big difference.

You are brilliant OP. Xx

2018SoFarSoGreat · 13/10/2018 01:10

LittleMiss remember, this is not about them anymore. They lost that right when they treated you the way they did - the way they thought was okay but was most definitely not. This is about you now. Getting support here and IRL. Getting your head out of the FOG and beginning the next chapter. You are doing an amazing job so far. It's a journey, but you are already well on the road. Flowers

Cuttingthegrass · 13/10/2018 07:43

I hope your friend, your therapist and MN help you stay on the path you choose for the good of your own Mental health. You will undoubtedly feel bereft and lonely but that is grief for the life and parents you had hoped for. They had also abused you into thinking they were normal. They are most definitely not.

Yes parents are supposed to be supportive to their children but sadly some are just not and they damage their children physically and emotionally.

Whocansay · 13/10/2018 08:20

How are you feeling this morning Littlemiss?

BlessThisMess · 13/10/2018 09:05

Littlemiss, I've never been through anything like this, but I've been reading it all, and I woke up thinking about you this morning.

Your parents' blindness and self-deception is simply astonishing! You are their daughter; you were at their house for a family occasion, they assaulted you, bruised you, ripped your clothes, threw wine at you and terrified you with apparently a call to get you sectioned, and they are complaining that other people haven't heard their side of the story?!!!! There is NOTHING at all that excuses or allows their behaviour! They are victim-blaming to ease their own consciences. They cannot bear to face the truth.

Honestly I am so disgusted at their behaviour, and SO impressed with you. Set yourself free from them, LittleMiss. Live your life free of their tyranny and control. It's not a prison - it is glorious freedom, and your life will be so much better for it!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/10/2018 09:42

The message your dad sent is absolutely vile. No one who loved you could have sent it. Those are not the words of a loving parent.

Stand firm, Littlemissdemeanour. Remind yourself that if you allow them to drag you under you will only have to fight free again.

I've told you from the start how much I admire you. Even as words on a screen your character, your thoughtfulness and your ethics come across. You're loveable and worthy of respect. Believe me.

You remind me of someone else I know. She's working her way through something similar, but further along. She now has lots of other people in her life who love and respect her.

Give yourself time. Take practical steps to protect yourself from any more horrible messages.

Littlemissdemeanour · 13/10/2018 10:10

Morning

I feel horrendous today. Worse than after the first night. I know that my father will have been straight on skype to GP and I'll be the devil woman.

Thank you for the info on FOG and victim blaming. Yes, I feel both these are very relevant.

I just don't know how I'm going to ever get over this. And I'm still shocked at the wicked words in the message last night. Feel like they're haunting me

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 13/10/2018 10:15

You will get over it. Although it hardly seems possible so close to the event.

Crying helped me a lot. So did talking about it. Reading up on narcissism was great for me to.

The thing that helped me the most though was reading a women say that her mother told her ‘I love you but i don’t like you’ they a course of other women who had exactly the same comment.

I remember where I was was when my mother told me that. It was a light bulb moment. It wasn’t me. It was her. It was a script that she was following and there was no way she was going to go off it.

You will have those moments as you travel this journey. Then you will get tired of holding onto the hurt and anger because you realise they aren’t worth all that energy. That energy belongs to you and not them.

All that is hard to see now. But you will get there because you are so determined to be. It will take time. But you will get there.

VelociraptorRex · 13/10/2018 10:16

Oh OP, I'm so sorry  did you get any sleep last night? I read your worries about Christmas - I'm in the north west of England but you are most welcome to come to this zoo for Christmas - you sound like a lovely strong person! I spent Christmas alone after getting out of an abusive relationship and actually it was very liberating, so don't panic and just take everything a day at a time.
Maybe the process of getting a new phone, new number, and putting the old phone in a drawer somewhere that you would only see it when you wanted to might help?

VelociraptorRex · 13/10/2018 10:17

There was meant to be   (flowers) on that but for some reason they didn't post!