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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 20:03

I'm so upset by the message.

Because it does feel like a prison sentence. And I do have a huge fear of rejection (no wonder).

How can my father send me that; how?

OP posts:
yorkshirepud44 · 12/10/2018 20:05

Golly. They really are quite batshit. Absolutely no doubt.

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 20:05

I can't do this.

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 12/10/2018 20:06

They're sending it because they know it will hurt you.
It's about bringing you back in line.

And it's not normal.
This is not you, it's them.

You have an amazing strength that shines through. Please believe that rather than their words.

yorkshirepud44 · 12/10/2018 20:07

No, a relationship with them would be the sentence. It's fine for you to reject them. Take that power.

You absolutely can do this. Deep breaths.

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 20:08

But I have to take this; time and time again. I've not seen a soul since Monday. I am by myself. I do believe I must drive people away.

And I can hardly leave my home because I get so scared and want to come back to my sanctuary.

No one believes me IRL. I'm this horrible, horrible person. And I'm beginning to believe it myself. Look at his message.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 12/10/2018 20:09

Because it always has to be your fault. If it wasn’t your formality then they’d be horrible people so it must be you.

There are no excuses for what they did to you, none!

Let me put it this way, I was previously in an abudive relationship and raped. I sm entitled to all the rage, sadness and other feelings that brings. It still doesn’t give me the right to torture and be violet to my ex, nor do I want to be that sort of person.

They have excuses, none Angry

Whocansay · 12/10/2018 20:10

Well, there may be two sides, but the police agreed with you. They know perfectly well what they've done. They have to make it your fault, otherwise they'd be admitting there's something wrong with them.

They are really disturbing people. You deserve so much better.

Joysmum · 12/10/2018 20:10

Sorry for the typos, I felt strongly, typed fast, and didn’t proof read Blush

Whisky2014 · 12/10/2018 20:11

Don't you think your mum wrote it?

Anyway, you need to make friends, maybe a partner? Get out there. These people are not your life. You need to make a fresh life.

RandomMess · 12/10/2018 20:12

You grieve for what should have been then you move forward.

You block them from your home and mobile phone numbers. It gets easier and you feel free.

Be kind to yourself Thanks

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 20:13

I'm so sorry @Joysmum :BrewThanks

OP posts:
Nagaram · 12/10/2018 20:13

Is this the father that was suddenly taken really ill? He got better quickly! Methinks there’s lots of projecting on this reply. They are writing about themselves for the most part. Interesting first bit though - if we don’t talk about what happened then it can’t be a lie!?!
What could possibly be their justification for their violence?
No point in replying. This is goading you to reply and there’s no point.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 12/10/2018 20:14

whocan is right. There was a third party there that night and they believed you.

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 20:15

I'm finding tonight most challenging. I said that I'd spoken to family members (they'd reached out to me first). Think that's what's triggered them.

My counsellor told me not to do this. I've pushed their shame button.

I can't believe they've done this to me again.

And I am alone
What if it is a life sentence?

OP posts:
Whocansay · 12/10/2018 20:15

Please don't keep reading his message. He has his own twisted narrative. It's really not you. They are frankly, wicked people. They seem to be thoroughly enjoying torturing you. They know what they're doing.

Aprilislonggone · 12/10/2018 20:15

We believe you op. I wonder how many rl true friends you could make from on here op?
Many many I suspect.
They are the losers.
Please don't reply, they are twisted, cruel people not fit to call themselves your parents.

Littlemissdemeanour · 12/10/2018 20:16

I wish I had RL friends, but I'm so scared that I'll project onto someone else and that's not kind.

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/10/2018 20:19

They are absolutely projecting. What they are throwing at you is what is true of them.
Keep working with your counsellor to recover your self esteem. They have ground away at it for years; it is going to take time to recover from that.

Right now I really think that getting a new mobile number and keeping the old one for them only is the way to go. You need to make it as easy as possible for yourself to only read communications from them when you choose to do so, and having them on a different number may help with that.

And keep posting here. When this thread is full, start another. We are all here for you.

Nagaram · 12/10/2018 20:22

Also Flowers because no one should have parents like these.
There are people in real life that believe you - the police and your counsellor.
Your parents know you are right. That’s why it’s so vile as they are backed in a corner and they’re lashing out. Take strength in all the messages from pp here who are further along in this journey - it does get better Flowers

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/10/2018 20:23

I can't do this

Thankfully, you don't need to do this though; the awful process of moving through it all to a better future is a work in progress (and remember saying how much better you felt when you were out of contact?) but contacting them - or not - is absolutely within your power to decide, as is whether or not you open yourself up to further abuse

Having done it myself I fully understand the feeling that "it might make a difference if I just say/do such-and-such", in the same way I empathise with the sheer incredulity than anyone can behave like this and the hope that they'll see the light - but it's just not happening is it?

As we've all said so often it's anyone's place to tell you what to do, but I hope with all my heart you'll find a way to cut out this evil once and for all so that you can find the peace you so richly deserve

PhilomenaButterfly · 12/10/2018 20:23

Lots of very, very good advice on here Littlemiss. We're not going anywhere. Keep posting. Flowers

Nagaram · 12/10/2018 20:27

The prison is the one they are creating for themselves. You will be free.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 12/10/2018 20:32

They are following the script for toxic people. Can I encourage you to read around this? There is a lot online you might find useful.

Just because they blame you OP doesn't make them correct.

You didn't cause this.
You can't change them.
They will never be who you want them to be.

You can do this. Right now it might feel utterly rubbish, but look after your immediate needs. Eat, drink, sleep, cry & keep posting if it helps. You will begin to grow in time.

If you are really struggling, the Samaritans are always on the end of the phone lovely. Thanks

Whocansay · 12/10/2018 20:35

He seems to like the prison analogy. Maybe you should reconsider prosecution? He might get some first hand experience then. It would also be very public that they have hurt you and everyone would know. These bastards should feel shame. You are the victim, yet you are the one suffering.

If you do go that route, you take back the power. But I appreciate it's far easier said than done.

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