Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship? I want to leave but he won’t accept it

[lulu5]

This is my first time posting... I really need some advice. It’s quite a long story so you might want to make a cup of tea first!
Ok here goes...
I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 14. We have 2 wonderful children 10 and 6. We have had our ups and downs, it hasn’t been easy... but I have always felt like I have held the family together by putting up with his moods and moaning. My parents even said it seemed to come every 6 weeks... he’d be nice then he’d do or say something that would upset me terribly. Often making me feel emotionally shut out. But I’d put up with it because I knew it would pass... it always did. He owns his own business and is under a lot of pressure. Since January I had started to feel differently... realising I was looking forward to him working away and dreading him coming home. I’d always have to have the house looking nice and tidy so he didn’t moan at me when he got back. The intimacy had died between us... he wasn’t interested when I was and I was too tired when he was in the mood... Fast forward to 12 weeks ago...
I picked up his iPad and checked the history... often it was deleted which made me feel a bit concerned... but this time I found days and days of visits to porn sites, in particular a swingers website. I had found evidence of this 4 years ago and talked to him saying I felt it was affecting our sex life and he needed to talk to me about it. He said it was just curiosity nothing more. I said that if he kept doing it I would leave him. So this time I did some more digging and found his login to the swingers site. That’s when I’d discovered he had been an active member for 13 years!! But worse than that WE had been a member... he had posted over 60 intimate photos of me and a video of us having sex on this site! Some photos had been viewed over 2000 times!! I found the most awful messages saying how we were looking to swap partners and how he wants to watch me with another man. He would ask others for more photos of their wives and sometimes pretend to be me to communicate with women about being bisexual!! He would ask others to join him in the chat room... he was on every night!!
So I confronted him and told him it was over and he had to move out... that’s when things got worse...
His anxiety spiralled... he moved into the spare room but I used to wake in the middle of the night and found him going through my phone. He’d hacked into all my email accounts and was viewing the activity on his laptop and phone (I only discovered this a couple of weeks ago)...
then one evening after I had put the children to bed (he never helped with the kids and I always joked I felt like a single parent) he freaked out telling me he wanted to kill himself if he couldn’t be with me... he got his shotgun cabinet keys and ran to get his gun... I was screaming at him and had to get between the cabinet and him and physically try to stop him. Eventually he ran outside and to the shed (where he had previously threatened to “throw a rope over a beam”)... I locked the doors and called the police. My poor children had heard the commotion. As I was on the phone he walked in... he’d got a ladder and climbed in through an open upstairs window!! Eventually the police came and removed the shotgun from the premises and his licence. He moved out for 2 weeks to his mum’s but she was not sympathetic and made him worse... so I stupidly agreed to allow him back in the house to get better (the doctor had prescribed citalopram for his anxiety and depression)... all the while I had said we are still separating... but he refuses to accept it. He keeps telling me how much he loves me one minute then a few hours later how he wants a divorce! He keeps saying he has found a house to rent but nothing ever materialises! I am 100% financially dependent on him so I am unable to move out with the children plus my solicitor says I must try to stay in the house. Recently I have developed a friendship with a man who I got to know through my owning of horses. He’s has been a wonderful ear and shoulder... my husband knows about him and has stepped up his game.. almost like it’s a competition! I am not having an affair with him but I have developed feelings for him and cannot imagine not having him in my life. My husband will not accept this. He has followed me and confronted the man in question. One minute he says he gives us his blessing and will leave, the next he will say he’s not giving up without a fight and that I’m still HIS wife... despite we are technically separated. He tries to kiss me when I don’t want him to touch me. When I reject him he calls me names and starts trying to use the children to upset me and make me give him another chance. He’s being overly attentive to the children which he has never been before. It’s driving me crazy. I know it’s just another mind game but I keep feeling myself getting sucked back in! I need to stay strong... but it’s so hard... xxx

I have protected my children from seeing/hearing things... but he doesn’t seem to care and makes it obvious what is going on... they know something is up and ask when daddy will move out. I know they don’t want him to go but they know things aren’t right between us. I make sure they never hear arguments (I don’t argue). I just feel so bad that I couldn’t have protected them to hearing and witnessing the situation with the police. And I feel guilty everyday x

OP this could end very, very badly.

I will be honest and say that he has the signs of a seriously unstable man...the kind who might do something terrible and not only to himself.

I advise this. Wait until he next calls you names or gets even vaguely abusive...including trying to kiss you.

Then call the police and have him arrested. Get a restraining order.]

AND CALL WOMEN"S AID TODAY!

He is abusive. Please tell people in RL that you want to plan to leave and get specialist help.

He's a dangerous fucker. Get yourself and kids safe by any means. Involve police, family women's aid and friends.

I agree with all the above, this is seriously dangerous. Thank God the police removed his gun, or we might have been reading about your murder in the papers, OP.
Please contact Women’s Aid asap.
And yes, definitely a restraining order, so you can legitimately bar him from the house or any contact with you. And get your solicitor to expedite divorce proceedings.
Also consider telling the police about those sex videos he uploaded to the swingers site without your consent - I’m pretty sure that’s a criminal offence.

Sorry to add to this, but yes you need to call Women's Aid and look at legal ways of getting him out of the house. Threats to his own life are a huge red flag for danger to you and your children - you need to keep the police informed. Apologies for being so blunt, but please please try and stay safe and make plans.

I feel the same... but then he uses his “powers of persuasion” to make me feel guilty... and that gives him control. He’s now telling people that I’m in love with another man (his words not mine) and making me out to be the one at fault for ending our marriage..!! I’m not one to go around telling people about what he’s done (it’s too embarrassing)... but I have got screenshots etc as I know it is illegal to post pornographic material of someone without their consent. It’s horrendous. He tells me that I will miss him when he’s gone... one minute he says he will always be there for me, the next he says when he moves out that will be it and he will never take me back when I change my mind! He said when I see him with another woman it will really hurt so I need to be prepared for that! I dislike him so much... but because we have children together I will always have a love for him (I think)... I just want a simple life without emotional mind games... your messages help keep me focused and determined. Thank you xx

And yes, the online stuff without your consent is a criminal offence. If you report it, it will further alert the police to the seriousness of your situation, and help you to get a removal /restraining order.

I will call women’s aid... thank you x

What he says doesn't matter. Please just try not to engage with him or discuss anything with him. Imagine what advice you would give a friend or sister in this situation, and then take it. Good luck

It is a criminal offence to upload this material of you without your consent, see this link
www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q697.htm

You need to leave him, sooner rather than later. As previous posters have said, later might be too late. You know he can probably see this thread if he's installed keyloggers etc? He can log in as you and read all you post. I'd buy a secret phone for internet access and set up all new email addresses on that, just so you have access to information you'll need in order to plan your escape.

Sorry, cross posted about the criminal offence bit, I see you're clued up on that

For now I would back off completely from your friendship with the other man and make sure your husband knows this. It's not about letting him have his way it's about keeping yourself safe. I think you need to do this until your divorce has gone through. Google Grey Rock. Do this, all the while pressing on with the divorce and legal action to get him out of the home. Be the most boring person in the world. Do not engage with anything he says except in the most dull, colourless way possible. What you need is for him to get thoroughly bored by the whole thing but that won't happen as long as you're engaging with him and interactions between you are heightened.

It's more than emotional abuse (and how), it's literally criminal.

OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all. Get rid and get out and if anyone DARES to give you a hint of shit for it, tell them the truth: that he was active on swingers websites for years, shared intimate photos and videos of you on there and then threatened suicide when you told him it was over.

Anyone who could still think you should do anything other than GTFO and enjoy falling in love with a good man if you find him is as much of a dangerous fruitcake as he is. Do NOT let idiots, halfwits and criminals ruin and control your life.

As Carol says, stay away from the other guy. Honestly it would be dangerous to continue with that now. You need to be very careful.

I have told him that I want him to leave to be on my own (which is true) i have no intention of jumping from one relationship into another. I have even said a trial of 6 months... just to get him out. I have also told him that I am not leaving him for the ‘other’ man. He is a friend. We text/phone each other but that is it until I’m divorced. He’s a great help. Lends an ear and offers support when I’m low.

I would like to to reinforce what people are saying about Women's Aid and I would also seriously consider reporting he posting of explict photos without your consent to the Police. You are in a powder keg situation and this is an unstable dangerous man.

I know you want an amicable split with safe reasonable co-parenting but that is not going to happen. He will not play fair with you. ever. You cannot do this alone - Women's Aid will be able to offer you the specialist support you will need.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Police for the online images and videos. They will also have a domestic violence team, ask to be put in touch with them.

Urgently please call women's aid and tell them everything you have here.

I reckon the smart move may be to get him arrested for the online images and videos and while he is out of the house get other things in place so he can't come back. But women's aid will be able to advise you on this.

As for not being able to move out of the marital home. Please consider this as a temporary option, or even a long term option. Being shocked by the offer of an immediate refuge space, and the refuge being a lovely welcoming environment really helped me. I took the support of the refuge but not the actual stay, and I moved out with no money, no furniture, etc. It was tough but I did it.

What important right now is staying safe and making plans with agencies that understand the dynamics involved.

Please call women's aid today and report the explicit photos to the police.

OP to put it simply I seriously think this man will kill your children and then himself to 'get back at you'. There are countless stories of men and sometimes women doing this and their family and friends are always shocked.

Report to the police all of his behaviour and state you are scared and need protection.

So I confronted him and told him it was over and he had to move out... that’s when things got worse...His anxiety spiralled.

His anxiety can fuck off. Call women's aid. Move the fuck AWAY. Don't let him get unsupervised access to your children and I'd look in to revenge porn laws as well. Shit bag. www.gov.uk/government/news/new-law-to-tackle-revenge-porn

You say you want him to move out but he won't? Reporting him to the police for uploading the explicit material will make him move out, you will be able to have him removed.

I expect you are mortally embarrassed at the idea of going to the police to make that complaint but, well, thousands of people have probably seen your sex tape now and some might have made copies. Make the bastard suffer.

If you are worried about his MH when he is charged, try not to let that stop you.

Please report him to the police, he sounds unstable and the consequences ours be horrific. You are. It responsible for him.

Don't have conversations with him about what you are planning to do. I know it may not be apparent to you, but he is a dangerous abuser, and the most dangerous point in an abusive relationship is when the victim ends it. You need to contact police, women's aid, solicitor etc and get your plan completely in place before talking to him about this again.

I am extremely concerned that you are discussing so much with a hugely unstable man. Why are you doing that?

but then he uses his “powers of persuasion” to make me feel guilty... and that gives him control.

No no no YOU are giving him control by even entertaining these conversations. Why does he know about the other man?? Stop talking to him about anything!

He’s now telling people that I’m in love with another man (his words not mine) and making me out to be the one at fault for ending our marriage..!! I’m not one to go around telling people about what he’s done (it’s too embarrassing)...

I'm sorry but by telling him about/ discussing other man with him, you are creating this drama. By not telling the truth to others (calmly and factually), you're adding to the drama. This isn't a soap opera. This is real life and you're behaving like a child here. Gossip and saving face are literally THE least important thing here. This man could kill you and your children.

Get a solicitor. Report his posting nude pictures of you to the police. Stop telling him anything about you! Stop having conversations about his feelings or yours. The marriage is over. There is nothing to talk about This man is a criminal and he's dangerous - get away from him, get all the help you can find. This is an emergency situation. Take control. Big girl pants, NOW.

I am so overwhelmed by all your advice and support. You have given me such inner strength to know I am doing the right thing and that I’m not at fault. He says it’s because I put the children first before him..!! he’s never been a hands on dad and therefore doesn’t realise that children should come first no matter what. He’s very selfish that way.