Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship? I want to leave but he won’t accept it

[lulu5]

This is my first time posting... I really need some advice. It’s quite a long story so you might want to make a cup of tea first!
Ok here goes...
I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 14. We have 2 wonderful children 10 and 6. We have had our ups and downs, it hasn’t been easy... but I have always felt like I have held the family together by putting up with his moods and moaning. My parents even said it seemed to come every 6 weeks... he’d be nice then he’d do or say something that would upset me terribly. Often making me feel emotionally shut out. But I’d put up with it because I knew it would pass... it always did. He owns his own business and is under a lot of pressure. Since January I had started to feel differently... realising I was looking forward to him working away and dreading him coming home. I’d always have to have the house looking nice and tidy so he didn’t moan at me when he got back. The intimacy had died between us... he wasn’t interested when I was and I was too tired when he was in the mood... Fast forward to 12 weeks ago...
I picked up his iPad and checked the history... often it was deleted which made me feel a bit concerned... but this time I found days and days of visits to porn sites, in particular a swingers website. I had found evidence of this 4 years ago and talked to him saying I felt it was affecting our sex life and he needed to talk to me about it. He said it was just curiosity nothing more. I said that if he kept doing it I would leave him. So this time I did some more digging and found his login to the swingers site. That’s when I’d discovered he had been an active member for 13 years!! But worse than that WE had been a member... he had posted over 60 intimate photos of me and a video of us having sex on this site! Some photos had been viewed over 2000 times!! I found the most awful messages saying how we were looking to swap partners and how he wants to watch me with another man. He would ask others for more photos of their wives and sometimes pretend to be me to communicate with women about being bisexual!! He would ask others to join him in the chat room... he was on every night!!
So I confronted him and told him it was over and he had to move out... that’s when things got worse...
His anxiety spiralled... he moved into the spare room but I used to wake in the middle of the night and found him going through my phone. He’d hacked into all my email accounts and was viewing the activity on his laptop and phone (I only discovered this a couple of weeks ago)...
then one evening after I had put the children to bed (he never helped with the kids and I always joked I felt like a single parent) he freaked out telling me he wanted to kill himself if he couldn’t be with me... he got his shotgun cabinet keys and ran to get his gun... I was screaming at him and had to get between the cabinet and him and physically try to stop him. Eventually he ran outside and to the shed (where he had previously threatened to “throw a rope over a beam”)... I locked the doors and called the police. My poor children had heard the commotion. As I was on the phone he walked in... he’d got a ladder and climbed in through an open upstairs window!! Eventually the police came and removed the shotgun from the premises and his licence. He moved out for 2 weeks to his mum’s but she was not sympathetic and made him worse... so I stupidly agreed to allow him back in the house to get better (the doctor had prescribed citalopram for his anxiety and depression)... all the while I had said we are still separating... but he refuses to accept it. He keeps telling me how much he loves me one minute then a few hours later how he wants a divorce! He keeps saying he has found a house to rent but nothing ever materialises! I am 100% financially dependent on him so I am unable to move out with the children plus my solicitor says I must try to stay in the house. Recently I have developed a friendship with a man who I got to know through my owning of horses. He’s has been a wonderful ear and shoulder... my husband knows about him and has stepped up his game.. almost like it’s a competition! I am not having an affair with him but I have developed feelings for him and cannot imagine not having him in my life. My husband will not accept this. He has followed me and confronted the man in question. One minute he says he gives us his blessing and will leave, the next he will say he’s not giving up without a fight and that I’m still HIS wife... despite we are technically separated. He tries to kiss me when I don’t want him to touch me. When I reject him he calls me names and starts trying to use the children to upset me and make me give him another chance. He’s being overly attentive to the children which he has never been before. It’s driving me crazy. I know it’s just another mind game but I keep feeling myself getting sucked back in! I need to stay strong... but it’s so hard... xxx

Omg lulu5, I think this is the most chilling thread I have ever read on here.

It. Is. Not. Your. Fault
His final dreadful mind game to try and ensure that if he can't have you, nobody else can. Please don't leave it too long before you seek counselling to help you and your children process this.

I send you my best wishes for a happy and peaceful future

Goodness I’m sorry Lulu, just to echo what others have said that you did the best thing you could to protect yourself and your children. So sorry that this has happened

@lulu5 I am so sorry it has ended this way. Like pps, I can only say this was in no way at all your fault.

You had to protect your children and yourself from a dangerous situation. You did what you had to do. If you hadn't, this could well have had an even more tragic ending, you were unfortunately very, very much at risk.

His decisions led to this, not yours.

Thinking of you and sending you strength

I have just read through your whole thread, I'm so sorry to read your latest update, please don't blame yourself, your husband was ill, you have to know that you protected your children and yourself in a situation that was not your doing.
You have every right to have wanted to leave your relationship that you were unhappy in.
Please don't blame yourself, there was nothing you could have done op, be kind to yourself and look after your children x

All I can think is that it could very easily have been so much worse. I was so worried about you and the DC. The shotgun incident could have turned into a massacre.

You did everything you could. You are not to blame in any way. You acted sensibly to protect your DC. There will, I assume, be an inquest eventually and everyone will know how troubled he was.

You must be in shreds. Try not to blame yourself. Focus on the living. Sending you

OP, please listen to us.

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I don't believe for a second that you could have "saved" him even if you had stayed with him. It doesn't work like that. But even if you could have, it is not a solution. There are things we can do to try to help people who are considering suicide, but putting up with daily abuse and serious sex crimes are NOT among them. There is not a single other person in the world whom you would expect to do that, so don't expect it of yourself. What are the odds you might have been driven to take your own life if it consisted of nothing but abuse and sex crimes?

On the contrary, as you and PPs have said, you protected your children. You kept them safe. You did absolutely the right thing. If your husband did this to try to burden you with guilt, you must do everything possible not to allow that to happen. Because you did the right thing. Everyone on this thread agrees with that and the fact that you and your children are alive and safe is the proof.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Echoing everything the objectivist wrote just now . This is not your fault and you are going to need time to realise that. I would also Advise keeping a copy of this thread for the inquest as it shows a decent timeline of behaviours and events and in the future if the children need to see it.

Busy77's idea of keeping the thread is a good one. But I have lost so many photos etc over the years due to IT failures that I strongly recommend printing out a couple of copies and storing them somewhere safe that's not accessible to the DC.

You may need to show this sad thread to them or someone else in the years to come.

I admire you for the way you have protected your DC.

I had to post and say it was not your fault at all. You had to protect your children. You did not ask him to live a double life and post those things if you illegally. It clearly all unravelled and he had troubles and couldn't take it. This was all on him and I'm sorry he was ill but there was nothing you could have done. And I'm saying this as someone's whose brother killed himself due to mental illness.

You protected your children and in a world where so many don't, you deserve the world. You will feel pain. Raw pain and you will go through every scenario in your mind possible. What you could have done. Waht you should have said. In the end you will see you can do nothing or say nothing to change any of the outcome.

This man couldn't live with what he had done and couldn't live with his world changing so much. But you have to understand he did this. Not you. He made those choices. You did not.

Stand tall and proud lady. You picked your children and put them first. Which is what a true mother does. You could not save him. Anymore than I could save my brother although my brother did nothing like this. His mental health was the issue.

And as awful as it sounds, I knew that even if I had saved him that time, he would have most likely tried again. He already had before and not succeeded. You are in my thoughts.

OP. I am so so sorry :( you are not too blame. You had to protect your kids. 13 years on a swingers website and uploading video of you! He clearly wasn’t right. Sending all my support

You did nothing wrong. Any actions you took were because of actions he took. You did not cause this. He did.

Don't accept blame for a decision he made.

Grieve and let those who love you comfort you. Seek help to deal with the aftermath of his actions. Life will be good again. Give it time.

from me as well. You could not have prevented him causing harm, but in the end he chose to harm himself instead of you and/or your DC. He was obviously very disordered and this will come out in the inquest.

Be kind to yourself.

You can not hold yourself responsible for his actions. I hope he finds more peace now wherever he is than he found in himself on earth.

Be kind to you and sympathies to your children for their loss

I’ve just read the whole thread and it’s so tragic, I’m so sorry OP
I remember when my mentally unstable father was making similar threats his GP told me that it was either just him that would go under or all of us - thankfully he was too much of a narc to harm himself but I think that you made the right choice.
You couldn’t save him but you could save yourself and your children

So so sorry to read your update OP

I don't think you have been able to convey across just how bad the situation has been for yourself and your children for quite a long time.
The emotional abuse has been extreme.

Please please keep coming back here for support because there are people here who understand how much pain you are going through.

You are not to blame.
Both you and the children are safe which is all that matters.

There are people on the bereavement board www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement who might be able to offer you some support who have had partners commit suicide. Winston's wish has also really helped a family we know whose father committed suicide.

This is not your fault.

Sending you @lulu5 and the DC's, love, thoughts and prayers.

You should be proud you protected yourself and the children. I hope time will show you how dangerous this situation was for you all.

Oh my goodness I can't imagine how your feeling right now.

Please get some help for yourself: women's aid or the police DV unit will be able to point you in the direction of appropriate services like counselling. Your kids need you too be well supported, and they will need to be similarly supported too.

As everybody else says, this is not your fault. It sounds very harsh, but if it wasn't him, it could have been the kids and/or you. You are safe now.

Lulu - your husband was doing what he wanted to do regardless of the impact on you and your feelings, and then when you had DC, regardless of the impact on them and their feelings for years and years.

His killing himself was just the same - he was doing what he wanted regardless.

When it all was revealed I expect he couldn't cope with the loss of face. Don't worry it was your actions or newfound strength and resolution. He had grown used to manipulating you and no doubt would of believed he could again. But the solicitors told him he was facing a jail sentence and he knew he couldn't manipulate his way out of that and had no defence.

He may have been mentally very ill and distraught but his behaviour calls this into doubt.

I think you can hold your head high, continue to protect your DC, but don't be afraid to tell people that he killed himself because he couldn't live with the shame of his secret life being revealed.

You and your DC will no doubt be very shocked 💐 but you all survived due to your bravery. I'm sorry that the bad man was your husband and their father but you did the right thing and protected them from the bad man. Take care.

I can’t sleep again... your comments have helped so much. I have my DCs asleep in bed with me and we will all sleep together for a while, until they are ready to go back into their own rooms. The whole house reminds me of him. Images of him keep flashing through my mind. I miss him and loved him despite what he did. He’d threatened taking his own life for years even when times were good. So I didn’t think he’d actually do it. He was really suffering mentally. He was having panic attacks about being on his own, night sweats, shaking, obsessive thoughts. We’d talk loads but just go round and round in circles. I tried to help but in the end it just got too much. He could put a good act on so I wouldn’t have been able to get him sectioned. I think he had a personality disorder or something similar. He should have been prescribed a mood stabiliser as well as the citalopram I believe. But he never let anyone in to know the full truth so he wouldn’t tell the gp exactly how he felt either I guess. I stayed with him as long as I could until I realised (with your help) that the situation had become dangerous. I wish there was more I could have done.
I have found out that the Will he threatened me with didn’t exist - he said he’d made his will and I’d be left with nothing if he died! He also had installed a tracker on my car so could track my every movements and whereabouts using an app on his phone. He left no note. Just a short text. He did it in our barn outside where we keep the hay for the horses and bikes for the kids. Images will haunt me forever. I know I need to move. I can’t stay here now x

lulu you and your children will get through this dark time. You did exactly the right thing. Be kind to yourself.

It sounds like he was mentally unstable for years. And yes if he wasn’t honest with the GP he would never have gotten the proper help needed. He also sounded arrogant and controlling enough to think he didn’t need the help.

I’m sure you do miss him and loved him. You were together a long time. You fell in love with him for a reason and you had children together. And as well as all the bad there was also good.

Hugs to you.

lulu5 have you seen your GP? They can help you. I think that being able to reflect on the wider history is useful as it shows how this was a deep seated issue, not just a recent problem. I can understand the instinct to sell, although don't make any major decisions just yet. Hopefully you will have enough to start over. The children might benefit though from continuity at school if possible now. Do talk to the school and get support from them.

Have you got much real life support nearby? Your family? Friends? I know his family are around but they will have their own issues to deal with. Maybe a few days with friends/ family would help.

@lulu5 he was tracking your movements? I think you and your DCs are very very lucky to be alive. Could someone to come stay with you & the kids ? Some family or friends perhaps? Just so you're not on your own.

Is there anyone who can help you with the practical day to day stuff while you and the kids recover from what's happened? Such as a mother's group who could make meals for you guys?

I would recommend seeking some support via your GP too when you feel you are up to it.

I know this might sound hollow, but is there anything I can do to help you? I could order a food shop online and get it delivered. Anything to make things easier for you.