Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship? I want to leave but he won’t accept it

[lulu5]

This is my first time posting... I really need some advice. It’s quite a long story so you might want to make a cup of tea first!
Ok here goes...
I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 14. We have 2 wonderful children 10 and 6. We have had our ups and downs, it hasn’t been easy... but I have always felt like I have held the family together by putting up with his moods and moaning. My parents even said it seemed to come every 6 weeks... he’d be nice then he’d do or say something that would upset me terribly. Often making me feel emotionally shut out. But I’d put up with it because I knew it would pass... it always did. He owns his own business and is under a lot of pressure. Since January I had started to feel differently... realising I was looking forward to him working away and dreading him coming home. I’d always have to have the house looking nice and tidy so he didn’t moan at me when he got back. The intimacy had died between us... he wasn’t interested when I was and I was too tired when he was in the mood... Fast forward to 12 weeks ago...
I picked up his iPad and checked the history... often it was deleted which made me feel a bit concerned... but this time I found days and days of visits to porn sites, in particular a swingers website. I had found evidence of this 4 years ago and talked to him saying I felt it was affecting our sex life and he needed to talk to me about it. He said it was just curiosity nothing more. I said that if he kept doing it I would leave him. So this time I did some more digging and found his login to the swingers site. That’s when I’d discovered he had been an active member for 13 years!! But worse than that WE had been a member... he had posted over 60 intimate photos of me and a video of us having sex on this site! Some photos had been viewed over 2000 times!! I found the most awful messages saying how we were looking to swap partners and how he wants to watch me with another man. He would ask others for more photos of their wives and sometimes pretend to be me to communicate with women about being bisexual!! He would ask others to join him in the chat room... he was on every night!!
So I confronted him and told him it was over and he had to move out... that’s when things got worse...
His anxiety spiralled... he moved into the spare room but I used to wake in the middle of the night and found him going through my phone. He’d hacked into all my email accounts and was viewing the activity on his laptop and phone (I only discovered this a couple of weeks ago)...
then one evening after I had put the children to bed (he never helped with the kids and I always joked I felt like a single parent) he freaked out telling me he wanted to kill himself if he couldn’t be with me... he got his shotgun cabinet keys and ran to get his gun... I was screaming at him and had to get between the cabinet and him and physically try to stop him. Eventually he ran outside and to the shed (where he had previously threatened to “throw a rope over a beam”)... I locked the doors and called the police. My poor children had heard the commotion. As I was on the phone he walked in... he’d got a ladder and climbed in through an open upstairs window!! Eventually the police came and removed the shotgun from the premises and his licence. He moved out for 2 weeks to his mum’s but she was not sympathetic and made him worse... so I stupidly agreed to allow him back in the house to get better (the doctor had prescribed citalopram for his anxiety and depression)... all the while I had said we are still separating... but he refuses to accept it. He keeps telling me how much he loves me one minute then a few hours later how he wants a divorce! He keeps saying he has found a house to rent but nothing ever materialises! I am 100% financially dependent on him so I am unable to move out with the children plus my solicitor says I must try to stay in the house. Recently I have developed a friendship with a man who I got to know through my owning of horses. He’s has been a wonderful ear and shoulder... my husband knows about him and has stepped up his game.. almost like it’s a competition! I am not having an affair with him but I have developed feelings for him and cannot imagine not having him in my life. My husband will not accept this. He has followed me and confronted the man in question. One minute he says he gives us his blessing and will leave, the next he will say he’s not giving up without a fight and that I’m still HIS wife... despite we are technically separated. He tries to kiss me when I don’t want him to touch me. When I reject him he calls me names and starts trying to use the children to upset me and make me give him another chance. He’s being overly attentive to the children which he has never been before. It’s driving me crazy. I know it’s just another mind game but I keep feeling myself getting sucked back in! I need to stay strong... but it’s so hard... xxx

He sounds dangerous. Dangerous men are often at their most dangerous when women are leaving them. I strongly suggest you tell the police you’re going (if they’ve still got the gun, they’ll understand he’s a risk to you all) and surround yourself with people when you’re going and after.

Hi all, here’s an update...
He went to see his solicitor and they told him that if it was just the photos he had posted he might of got off as it’s his first offence, but because of the video he uploaded he would go to prison and it carries a 2 year sentence. So you’d think he’d want to be reasonable.. oh no... he started manipulating me by saying I’m emotionally abusing and blackmailing him by keeping evidence of what he’s done and because I keep reminding him of what he’s done! It got so bad I woke up yesterday morning shaking with anxiety... then I knew it was time to leave. After the children were at school I returned to pack our suitcases. He was there. He said he’d leave so the kids wouldn’t be uprooted... I said I’d be back at 5.30 and wanted him gone. I got home at 5.30 and he was in his car waiting on the drive. He said goodbye to the kids and left (eventually), saying he had no where to go... even though he’d had all day to sort something out! I found he’d taken the keys to the lounge doors, so he could gain access from the outside at night when I’ve left the keys in the other door!! I was so scared that I damaged the locks on the outside so they couldn’t be used... I know it was extreme but I wouldn’t have been able to sleep otherwise!
My son was actually relieved that he’d gone he said his daddy’s behaviour was creepy and was freaking him out.... xx

Good update OP.
Let's hope he stays gone!
But I'm afraid I don't think he will.
Have Womens Aid been of help?
Could you get an restraining order (or the current day equivalent?)
He really is a vile human being.
Stay strong OP.
You got this!

Put chains or bolts on the inside. Quite easy to do.

So I returned from the school run to find him and his auntie on the drive... she is a wonderfully kind and sweet lady... she told me she thought I was being overly dramatic and that it’s his house too etc etc.. he was stood there with that “poor me” look about him. I told her I was scared of him but she said that was silly and he’d never hurt me. She also said I was wrong to inform the school that we were separatibg and that we should have both gone in together (I have told them about the gun incident and that they need to stall him if he tries to collect them) He’d gone on to exaggerate my friendship with my male friend to make out I was “provoking” the situation! I asked him if he’d told her what he’d done.. he said “she knows it was my fault to start with”... so I told her everything... the photos, the video, the swinging site, the chances I’ve given him, the gun incident, the police, the threats of self harm... she ended up telling him he needed to leave me alone! So he said he would leave me for good... but was also making statements of intended self harm... “look after the children for me”... etc etc... he’s said this so many times I’m now numb to it... I walked out and left him in the house because I had to pick up my mum and take her to hospital for a scan (she’s very poorly). Now I’m worried about what I should do... I don’t think he’d do anything silly but it’s really unnerving xxx

I'm glad the aunt is on side now.

What he does next is entirely up to, and down to, him. There are other people who can deal with him- his family. You have your hands full looking after yourself, your DC and your Mum!!

Don't let him control you from a distance with this rubbish!

I know your other friendship is important, and you won't rush into anything BUT... your ex will use it as a way to get at you. He will threaten your friend. Try and make it clear that everything is paused, for his safety and yours.

PLEASE will you reach out to your local police or women's aid?! Don't go home unless you know for sure he's not there.

Do you have a friend or relative you and the kids could stay with for a night or 2? Or could you afford a really cheap hotel if not?

Please press charges against him for the photos and videos. You need as much of his weird abusive behaviour on record as possible. That coupled with the police seizing his guns will really help you and your kids.

That was really low of him involving his aunt but it's backfired hasn't it. Don't be ashamed or guilted into keeping what a creep he is to yourself, tell anyone who may need to know as the more people that know the less he can manipulate.

And please do not let him guilt you into deleting the evidence of his crimes. Given he's already hacked your phone and emails etc I would hope you have a copy AND a back up copy in case he tries to delete the evidence himself.

Don't try to do this all alone, reach out to agencies that can help you and your kids.

Please call the police.

Stop minimising this.

You and your children are in serious fucking danger.

Stop protecting him and take this seriously. PLEASE.

GO TO THE POLICE FFS

He's threatened self harm.
He's not taking no for an answer.
He's already harassing you.
He's posted photos and videos of you without your consent.
He is scaring your children.

I wouldn't blame you if you did have another man. Being in your position is desperately lonely and we all need support. Your husband is unhinged and dangerous and I hope you can get him out soon. Whether you do or don't have another man, whether youre nice or nasty, whatever people may think of you - none of it changes the fact remains he's unstable and unpredictable and so put safety at the forefront. You could take him back, be mother theresa and keep the house immaculate and never argue - still won't be enough for him and he'll be making life awful again in no time.

If you are too scared to call the police could you call the aunt and ask her to convince DH to be out of the house before you get back?

Ultimately him being arrested is your big stick. Use it or threaten it to get him out.

Op. Please do report his criminal activity to the police.
It isn't about taking revenge or getting back at him.You need to do it for the following reasons.
If his behaviour deteriorates and he comes back to the house, the police will take things really seriously despite the tales and spin he might put on it.
In the future you will need to come to some arrangement about how he will be able to have access to the children. If his actions are reported, he has less opportunity to convince a judge that, for example, he should have the children spending 50% of time with him.
He doesn't really seem to be facing up to the enormity of the things he has done. He may never do of course, but reporting things gives him less opportunity to minimise this to himself or others.
By reporting, you are playing things with a straight bat and can't be accused of joining in with manipulative games. It keeps things really clear and factual on your side.
By reporting, it should be easier to get a restraining order, should this ever be needed.
Although this isn't your problem, he may of course go on to do similar or worse to someone else. Reporting gives him less opportunity for this.

You all speak so much sense thank you... it’s difficult when you’re in the middle of it all. I’ve tried before to get out but I’ve never managed it, I’ve always got sucked back in (that was before I found what he’d been up to). My friend has helped me see the possibility of happiness and what life should feel like. He lives 2 hours away so is not in immediate danger. I have made it clear to OH and his aunt that I have put a hold on the friendship but the truth is, I couldn’t have got through this far without his kindness and support. So I do need him. We just text and chat. Then when I’m divorced we’ll see what happens.
I have a meeting with my solicitor next week (it was the earliest they could see me) and I willl apply for an ex-parte order that will keep him away from the house for 4 weeks. That will give me time to put everything else in place xx

OP, you are in serious danger. PP have said there's a risk he might kill the children and himself. There is. But there is also a risk he might kill you. On average, two women a week are killed by their partners or ex-partners, just in England and Wales. Some of those women will have been afraid for their lives but I bet a lot of them would have thought "he would never do that".

Tell the police about the photos & video. Tell the police about him hacking all your electronic devices. Stop feeling sorry for him. Keep a log of everything he says & does. Otherwise when things go to court (which they will) he will twist everything and lie about it - as he has already done to his aunt.

As he has control of all the finances, make sure you have copies of bank statements, wage slips etc. He will hide money and try to make you suffer financially or use it as a lever to make you take him back. He will probably say he can't afford the school fees if he has to run two households. He will say all sorts of things designed to make you take him back. Get as much evidence as you can of everything financial.

Please please act fast speak to the police now

Sorry, I hadn't realised the police were not fully aware already!

Yes, Involve the police. Please. Right now.

He went to see his solicitor and they told him that if it was just the photos he had posted he might of got off as it’s his first offence, but because of the video he uploaded he would go to prison and it carries a 2 year sentence. So you’d think he’d want to be reasonable

No, I wouldn't think that at all.

I am surprised by him turning up with his aunt in tow to try to get you told off, though. Not too surprised about the lounge keys. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe. Of course you're not safe with him. He has committed a sexual crime that carries a two-year sentence against you. Two years! That's how serious it is. No, the fucker cannot have keys to the house where you sleep any more!

lulu please dont rely on the Citalopram to keep him calm and rational. it only works if the person takes it and from what you've said, it doesnt sound as though this man is the sort to take the tablets. he doesn't believe it's 'his' fault!! doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. If he DID think that then he would be doing as you ask and leaving you and the children alone and not pulling the 'poor me' card.

Please follow other posters advice - I haven't been in your position but many of them have.

Good luck x

Lots of luck

Domestic abuse victims are most at risk WHEN the perpetrator has left, as that means they have lost control. Women's Aid will be able to support you, also the Police will be able to offer you security advice and put a marker on your house
You need to demonstrate to the authorities, that you can prioritise your children's welfare by safeguarding their wellbeing. Sorry to sound harsh but I've worked with many families, where there is domestic abuse and families recover better, when they engage with all the supports.

Ignore the solicitors saying to stay in the house. He sounds dangerous and you need to be away from him. You are married so you are entitled to your share either way.

I'm absolutely heartbroken for you reading this... you may not realise it but you are one hell of a strong woman to have got this far. All the advice I have read I totally agree with , he is a headline in the making , please don't put yourself or your kids at risk , get somewhere safe. Like the others have said you will get your rightful share at some point but for now your safety and your kids safety comes first. please please just take yourself away from the home until proceedings have been put into place. Sending you strength, you can do this! Xx

I’m sorry to report that my husband took his own life. I was at the hospital with my mum when his text came through. I couldn’t get people to my house quick enough. The children are devastated. I am feeling so much guilt that I turned and walked out on him this morning. It’s 1.30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I will never be able to get over this. I’m just pleased my instincts were right and I protected the children. I feel like it’s my fault. That I failed him. I tried so hard to help him but it just got too much. I said when I left that I’ll always be there for him, we’ll work together to find him a place to live and build our lives again, albeit separately. Words cannot describe how I feel right now. Thank you for your support x

I’m so sorry lulu5. There’s probably nothing a stranger on the internet can say that really helps or wouldn’t sound trite.

All I want to say is please try not to blame yourself. I know that’s probably impossible or will take you a lot of time to work through. He was clearly a very unhappy man but that wasn’t your fault.