Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship? I want to leave but he won’t accept it

[lulu5]

This is my first time posting... I really need some advice. It’s quite a long story so you might want to make a cup of tea first!
Ok here goes...
I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 14. We have 2 wonderful children 10 and 6. We have had our ups and downs, it hasn’t been easy... but I have always felt like I have held the family together by putting up with his moods and moaning. My parents even said it seemed to come every 6 weeks... he’d be nice then he’d do or say something that would upset me terribly. Often making me feel emotionally shut out. But I’d put up with it because I knew it would pass... it always did. He owns his own business and is under a lot of pressure. Since January I had started to feel differently... realising I was looking forward to him working away and dreading him coming home. I’d always have to have the house looking nice and tidy so he didn’t moan at me when he got back. The intimacy had died between us... he wasn’t interested when I was and I was too tired when he was in the mood... Fast forward to 12 weeks ago...
I picked up his iPad and checked the history... often it was deleted which made me feel a bit concerned... but this time I found days and days of visits to porn sites, in particular a swingers website. I had found evidence of this 4 years ago and talked to him saying I felt it was affecting our sex life and he needed to talk to me about it. He said it was just curiosity nothing more. I said that if he kept doing it I would leave him. So this time I did some more digging and found his login to the swingers site. That’s when I’d discovered he had been an active member for 13 years!! But worse than that WE had been a member... he had posted over 60 intimate photos of me and a video of us having sex on this site! Some photos had been viewed over 2000 times!! I found the most awful messages saying how we were looking to swap partners and how he wants to watch me with another man. He would ask others for more photos of their wives and sometimes pretend to be me to communicate with women about being bisexual!! He would ask others to join him in the chat room... he was on every night!!
So I confronted him and told him it was over and he had to move out... that’s when things got worse...
His anxiety spiralled... he moved into the spare room but I used to wake in the middle of the night and found him going through my phone. He’d hacked into all my email accounts and was viewing the activity on his laptop and phone (I only discovered this a couple of weeks ago)...
then one evening after I had put the children to bed (he never helped with the kids and I always joked I felt like a single parent) he freaked out telling me he wanted to kill himself if he couldn’t be with me... he got his shotgun cabinet keys and ran to get his gun... I was screaming at him and had to get between the cabinet and him and physically try to stop him. Eventually he ran outside and to the shed (where he had previously threatened to “throw a rope over a beam”)... I locked the doors and called the police. My poor children had heard the commotion. As I was on the phone he walked in... he’d got a ladder and climbed in through an open upstairs window!! Eventually the police came and removed the shotgun from the premises and his licence. He moved out for 2 weeks to his mum’s but she was not sympathetic and made him worse... so I stupidly agreed to allow him back in the house to get better (the doctor had prescribed citalopram for his anxiety and depression)... all the while I had said we are still separating... but he refuses to accept it. He keeps telling me how much he loves me one minute then a few hours later how he wants a divorce! He keeps saying he has found a house to rent but nothing ever materialises! I am 100% financially dependent on him so I am unable to move out with the children plus my solicitor says I must try to stay in the house. Recently I have developed a friendship with a man who I got to know through my owning of horses. He’s has been a wonderful ear and shoulder... my husband knows about him and has stepped up his game.. almost like it’s a competition! I am not having an affair with him but I have developed feelings for him and cannot imagine not having him in my life. My husband will not accept this. He has followed me and confronted the man in question. One minute he says he gives us his blessing and will leave, the next he will say he’s not giving up without a fight and that I’m still HIS wife... despite we are technically separated. He tries to kiss me when I don’t want him to touch me. When I reject him he calls me names and starts trying to use the children to upset me and make me give him another chance. He’s being overly attentive to the children which he has never been before. It’s driving me crazy. I know it’s just another mind game but I keep feeling myself getting sucked back in! I need to stay strong... but it’s so hard... xxx

I mean this kindly. You seem to have no idea how dangerous this man is. I would be worried that his most likely action will be to kill your children and then himself. Are you still worried by his anxiety? He is seriously unstable and the involvement of a possible romantic friend is the worse thing to happen. You have a job to do. Do it now
-Stop engaging with him..speak to Him about cups of tea and the weather, but nothing else
-Listen very carefully to him- try and see what he is really saying.
-Try to get him back to his mum’s and off to Dr.
-NEVER let him return.
-Get him out of your house and far away from your children
-Make sure he can never take them out without significant 3rd party supervision
-Forget about other man until your life is stable, your husband is out of the picture and your children are safe.

When I was at school, two new kids joined. They were dead two weeks later after dad took them for a drive and filled the car with exhaust fumes. All three died. He was going through a bitter break up and wanted to punish his wife.

I did not voluntarily discuss my male friend... he found emails and texts by hacking into my phone and computer. They were not incriminating as I have done nothing wrong, but I have never been “allowed” to have a male friend as he has always felt insecure (not that I gave him reason to). I am not turning this into a drama, he is. I’m desperately trying to get him out of my life but he won’t leave me alone. Once confronted I couldn’t lie. I have no privacy at all. He has now gone out for the night to a friends house. And he has agreed we will tell the children next weekend that he is leaving. I’m trying to keep this situation as calm as possible and it’s exhausting. I have informed police and I have the mobile number of a female police officer who came to see me. She avised me to play things softly softly and always have a plan b. I now have a plan b and a bolt hole I can escape to with the children should it come to it. He is playing the “poor me” card at the moment. The medication is keeping him calm and there is no physical violence only mind games. The thing is I’m a very soft and gentle person... someone who cares about everyone. So when he starts crying and is looking visibly distressed it breaks my heart. But I’m resolute and staying strong. My son has his last 11+ test at the end of the week, so I’m trying not to move the kids before absolutely necessary.
I don’t believe he’d harm the children. If I thought that for one second we would be out of here.

I have no romantic involvement with my male friend. My husband has blown things way out of proportion to try and turn the tables and give him control and also take the guilt away from his actions.

WittyFuck Oh my god that is awful. That’s got me thinking. Thank you for your advice x

Please be very careful, Lulu5. I've never read a Mumsnet thread that made me fear for the OP so much.

Thank you prawnofthepatriarchy, I’m struggling to hold it together, it’s been a tough few months. But he is more stable now than what he was. I’m going to find out how to make sure he doesn’t take the kids out of school without me knowing or a 3rd party. It is difficult because our children go to a prep school and he pays the bills. He has ultimate control and access to our savings etc (I do not). He is a successful businessman and is well known locally... those looking in would think I have the perfect life! Little do they know what goes on behind closed doors x

I'd have a word with the prep school. You don't need to tell them everything. Just tell them about the risk. So the police having to take his guns and licence away. Say you'll be getting divorced but in the meantime your DH has been talking about self harm and is very troubled. Then ask them not to allow him to take DC out of school.

They're not stupid. You don't need to say explicitly that your DH might be a risk to the DC if you're reluctant to. They'll join up the dots.

lulu5 your comment about feeling sorry for him is key. I have some knowledge/experience, and time and again the woman in an abuse case - even those involving violent assault - will drop charges against her partner not because she is afraid, but because she feels sorry for him. The abuser plays on her compassion with tears and remorse, and she ends up at greater risk than before - sometimes with very tragic consequences. The police know that there are certain high risk factors that set off alarm bells, and one of them is the threat of suicide. If this type of man does go through with killing himself, he will usually try and take his family with him. Please take on board what was said above about talking to the school.

HMC2000 Thank you for your advice. He has called tonight in tears saying he just wants to be at home where he feels safe. He said he was having terrible panic attacks being away! (Even though it is just for one night) He asked me not to divorce him and whether there would be a chance of getting back together after 6 months of him living elsewhere. I didn’t want to say “no” as it’d freak him out, so I told him that I needed space, and then we’d talk and see how it goes once he’s got a place of his own and he can show me what a changed person he is. He asked me to help him furnish it etc and I agreed. I have no intention of getting back together, I just need him to move out as soon as possible and with the least amount of stress to us all. I just keep thinking of the words the police woman said “softly softly”. I would love us to be friends when all this settles down... do you think this will be possible with time?

Why the hell would you want to be friends with him!?!

No I think you need a restraining order pronto.

OP you need to understand that citalopram will not keep him calm if he's worked up. It takes anywhere from 2-4 weeks to reach a stable level in the bloodstream, and even then they likely started him on a low dose. They won't increase it until he's adjusted to the basic dose and still isn't showing improvement, and even then he has to go to the doctor and be honest with them. Plus it isn't like valium which you take and feel calm and out of it. It just helps raise your mood and smooth things out, but that doesnt mean you can't get angry or wound up. He is dangerous, don't rely on the medication to keep you safe. It can help, but only if he wants it to, and he clearly doesn't.

Op, I know you may not want to hear this, and some on here will say that it is not true...

But recording you during means he has raped you. Because you did not consent to sex while being recorded.

So when he starts crying and is looking visibly distressed it breaks my heart. It's designed to do just that. This is manipulation, saved especially for you. Does he act like this while at work? Does he tell his colleagues that he is going to kill himself? No, because it is manipulation designed to control you.

You need to absorb that, and fast, because right now he has you exactly where he wants you and you are not leaving because you are scared he will do something to himself.

The advise from other on this thread is great, listen, make a plan and act. He is unpredictable to you, you have no idea what he is capable of.

But recording you while having sex means he has raped you

OP I hope you can find a way to ensure you and your children are safe.

I would love us to be friends when all this settles down... do you think this will be possible with time?

No, because he's never been your friend and never will be. And as long as you're in contact, he'll be manipulating you as he's doing right now, counting on you thinking of who you wish he was instead of who he actually is.

I actually felt my bile rise at this pig who plastered intimate images of you all over the internet without your consent whinging about how HE needs to feel safe. OP, he is not a good person. I really do know how it feels when you realise that someone you were nuts about doesn't actually exist but you MUST understand that or else you will spend your life miserable because you can't see why the thing you wanted is never there and is in fact interested only in harming you.

Thanks everyone... you have been so wonderful. I am organising somewhere to go with the children. I can’t stay in the house anymore as I now realise how unstable and unpredictable he still is. I always try to see the good in people and be there for them. But not this time. He’s got to sort it himself. As long as the children are with me they are happy. My son hates going anywhere with him without me... he’s been like this for a couple of years. I just put it down to them not having the closest relationship. My son is very sensitive and probably picked up on things I missed all that time ago. I’ve now stopped worrying about “what happens if he hurts himself” and now thinking “what happens if he hurts us”. It took a lot for me to post on here, not knowing what reactions I’d get... I never realised how brilliant you have all been in helping me see this situation with a new pair of eyes. It’s so difficult when you are in a controlling relationship... very easy to be sucked back in. You are all brilliant xx

Good luck with it, OP. It sounds as though your son is smart, sensitive and switched on.

I do know how hard it is to sever ties with someone when you were once so crazy about them, and to have to accept that they're not who you thought they were, and that person doesn't exist. But the alternative is worse than pining for the moon....it's pining for the moon while it rains flaming hailstones down on you. You would literally never be happy, because the thing you're fixating on to make you happy a) does not exist and b) wants only to damage you. Oh, occasionally you'll get a pretty flash of light, but it's not real, it won't last and it's only to reel you in for the next load of hailstones.

It is really, really hard, but one day, I promise you, you will look back and see it as it really was. And the satisfaction and sense of self you will have then will far, far outweigh anything you thought you had back then.

I will keep you all updated x

AynRandTheObjectivist Thank you... you have described it perfectly... I will always remember those words to keep me looking forward and never back... today feels like a good day... as WittyFuck said.. “I have a job to do”... and I’m going to do it!! xxx

I won't repeat what everyone else has already said, but please do not let him 'tell the children' anything. He an unstable abuser and you need to tell the children yourself and prepare to protect yourself from the rage that will follow. He will tell them he's got to leave because you don't love him any more or you've got a boyfriend and they're getting a new daddy or some such abusive nonsense. Take care x

Thank you bastardkitty He has already made some comments very similar to what you said. Luckily the children believe in me and would always listen to what I say as being true. I hate his mind games, so selfish, only ever thinking of himself and not the children x

I left similar. I told the DCs in a very low key way and just told him I had already told them. You have to forget about what he wants and prioritise them because he won't.

I'm glad I could help, OP.

It's such a common experience and it is really, really hard letting go of it. I really do get it. But you will honestly never be happy unless you do.

OP you are very brave and I believe doing the right thing.

Children automatically have faith in their parents and can be easily manipulated by abusers so its very telling that without clarification from yourself they don't need to be told that their father is unstable/unwell as they already have picked up on it.

When you leave please remember to take birth certificates, passports, bank details (as he's the high earner) and you will eventually need to claim. I would also in this case advise to take details of your life and home insurance policies as crude as that might be.