Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship? I want to leave but he won’t accept it

[lulu5]

This is my first time posting... I really need some advice. It’s quite a long story so you might want to make a cup of tea first!
Ok here goes...
I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 14. We have 2 wonderful children 10 and 6. We have had our ups and downs, it hasn’t been easy... but I have always felt like I have held the family together by putting up with his moods and moaning. My parents even said it seemed to come every 6 weeks... he’d be nice then he’d do or say something that would upset me terribly. Often making me feel emotionally shut out. But I’d put up with it because I knew it would pass... it always did. He owns his own business and is under a lot of pressure. Since January I had started to feel differently... realising I was looking forward to him working away and dreading him coming home. I’d always have to have the house looking nice and tidy so he didn’t moan at me when he got back. The intimacy had died between us... he wasn’t interested when I was and I was too tired when he was in the mood... Fast forward to 12 weeks ago...
I picked up his iPad and checked the history... often it was deleted which made me feel a bit concerned... but this time I found days and days of visits to porn sites, in particular a swingers website. I had found evidence of this 4 years ago and talked to him saying I felt it was affecting our sex life and he needed to talk to me about it. He said it was just curiosity nothing more. I said that if he kept doing it I would leave him. So this time I did some more digging and found his login to the swingers site. That’s when I’d discovered he had been an active member for 13 years!! But worse than that WE had been a member... he had posted over 60 intimate photos of me and a video of us having sex on this site! Some photos had been viewed over 2000 times!! I found the most awful messages saying how we were looking to swap partners and how he wants to watch me with another man. He would ask others for more photos of their wives and sometimes pretend to be me to communicate with women about being bisexual!! He would ask others to join him in the chat room... he was on every night!!
So I confronted him and told him it was over and he had to move out... that’s when things got worse...
His anxiety spiralled... he moved into the spare room but I used to wake in the middle of the night and found him going through my phone. He’d hacked into all my email accounts and was viewing the activity on his laptop and phone (I only discovered this a couple of weeks ago)...
then one evening after I had put the children to bed (he never helped with the kids and I always joked I felt like a single parent) he freaked out telling me he wanted to kill himself if he couldn’t be with me... he got his shotgun cabinet keys and ran to get his gun... I was screaming at him and had to get between the cabinet and him and physically try to stop him. Eventually he ran outside and to the shed (where he had previously threatened to “throw a rope over a beam”)... I locked the doors and called the police. My poor children had heard the commotion. As I was on the phone he walked in... he’d got a ladder and climbed in through an open upstairs window!! Eventually the police came and removed the shotgun from the premises and his licence. He moved out for 2 weeks to his mum’s but she was not sympathetic and made him worse... so I stupidly agreed to allow him back in the house to get better (the doctor had prescribed citalopram for his anxiety and depression)... all the while I had said we are still separating... but he refuses to accept it. He keeps telling me how much he loves me one minute then a few hours later how he wants a divorce! He keeps saying he has found a house to rent but nothing ever materialises! I am 100% financially dependent on him so I am unable to move out with the children plus my solicitor says I must try to stay in the house. Recently I have developed a friendship with a man who I got to know through my owning of horses. He’s has been a wonderful ear and shoulder... my husband knows about him and has stepped up his game.. almost like it’s a competition! I am not having an affair with him but I have developed feelings for him and cannot imagine not having him in my life. My husband will not accept this. He has followed me and confronted the man in question. One minute he says he gives us his blessing and will leave, the next he will say he’s not giving up without a fight and that I’m still HIS wife... despite we are technically separated. He tries to kiss me when I don’t want him to touch me. When I reject him he calls me names and starts trying to use the children to upset me and make me give him another chance. He’s being overly attentive to the children which he has never been before. It’s driving me crazy. I know it’s just another mind game but I keep feeling myself getting sucked back in! I need to stay strong... but it’s so hard... xxx

I'm sending you much love but none of this was your fault. You tried everything you could.

He was the one who posted unconsented photos and videos of you. He chose to manipulate you. He chose to take his own live.

You are not to blame. I do agree that moving would be best and for you and the children to start afresh.

Such a sad story. I'm sort of in the same boat (have left but he won't accept it) and it's scaring the shit out of me.

You are so strong, good luck to you and your Dc, I admire you.

@gimeallthecake thank you so much for your very kind offer. At the moment I have lots of friends and family who have been with me. I’m one of those people who believes in facing their fears straight away, so I didn’t take up offers of people stopping over. Maybe I should have done. I also went straight into the barn where he did it, sat on the hay bales where he must have done and screamed and shouted telling him how I felt. It made me feel less scared of having to go back in there again. A farmer friend is coming today to rearrange the barn so it looks a bit different. But I will have to move eventually. It’s starting to really take it toll on me and I will visit my GP.
@lovelilies stay strong honey, at least you’ve left, I just wasn’t able to. I wish I had packed my things and left all those months ago when I found what I did. Then maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I’m here if you need me xx

@lulu5 it's never too late to reach out and take them up on the offer now :) I'm a firm believer in surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good. It might also help to have someone to chat too and distract you. You sound very very brave and courageous OP you might not think it now but you really really are.

I’m one of those people who believes in facing their fears straight away, so I didn’t take up offers of people stopping over. Maybe I should have done.

Now it will all be unreal anyway, I think with any sudden, unexpected death it feels as if the world should stop spinning. It reminds me of W.H Auden's stop the clocks poem. For that reason I wouldn't worry too much about having people staying over at the moment if it will help you and the dc to cope. It's not that you will always need that support but a little over the next few weeks will help you through the current feelings. Maybe limit it to the weekend when the dc are home so that whenever you feel able to sleep you can and someone else can be there for the dc. Likewise with the GP, this phase is very short, though at the time it stretches in front of you. Get help from them too.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you and your dc, OP .

You did all you could and he obviously wasn't well at all. I am so glad you and your children are safe and wish you much love and luck for the future

Oh OP, how horribly sad and horribly dreadful.

I’ll say it again because I think this cannot be said too many times: His choice to take his own life, was not your fault.

You did so well to protect your children. I don’t think you’ll ever know how close it came. Thank God. Although I wish there had been a third way, not a straight up choice between him, and him AND your dc.

He clearly lacked that urge to protect and shield them from harm, and to put them first. It’s this vital element of unconditional love missing, along with all the other circumstances that forced your hand. Nothing you did. Really. You just had to react to the crap hand you were dealt.

You had to protect your children because it was a choice between him, and him plus the children... in some way.

You protected your children and they are grieving now, but will get through this in the end. It could have been a very different picture had you not acted to keep the children out of it.

Oh I’m so so sorry. It’s a terrible end to a scary situation. But it could have been so much worse.

It’s not your fault he’s dead. It is down to you that you and your children are ... as ok as you can be, given the circumstances.

Thank you Lulu. You're a brave woman. It's such a shame these horrible men don't seem to be such a minority.

I'm so so sorry. It really wasn't your fault, it was all down to him. I can understand your feelings about your barn, and wanting to move :(

Lulu you should be very proud you kept your children safe. As soon as I started to read your thread it made me think of reports of family annihilators. I hope you all find peace.

Lulu, I'm so so sorry to hear what happened.

You weren't responsible for his actions. He was either very mentally unwell, or utterly selfish, or both. None of which is your fault.

I've been in a similar situation, but he didn't go through with it and I thought it was just part of his abuse to even threaten it. You had no way of knowing that your husband would actually do this. You just cannot blame yourself.

Sending love to you and your DC.

@lulu5 Hi Lulu 👋🏻 just checking in to see how you've been this past few weeks and see how the kids are coping?

Oh, Lulu, so sorry you are going through this.

Sending love light and healing for you and your kids.

I’m so sorry for what you and your children have been through

From someone who has lived with depression for over 20 years and who was close to suicide many times, please believe this was not your fault. Your husband was very very ill and his perception of reality was very skewed.

You didn’t fail him. You haven’t failed as a mother. Your children are safe and they know you love them. You’ve given them stability and consistency.

I hope you’re all able to move forward eventually and to find peace. Please go to your GP, accept counselling and ask friends for whatever you need. They will want to help.

Wishing you all the best xx

It will be 5 weeks on Wednesday... but the funeral was only last Friday. I’m on the most horrendous rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I’m angry at him for not wanting to find it within himself to get better... for leaving his children without a father. Other days, like today, I’m consumed with devastating sadness and emptiness. No matter how he behaved towards us, I was with him for almost half my life... it’s a huge loss and my life will never be the same again... I certainly never thought he’d actually go through with what he’d talked about and threatened for many years. I’m plagued with intrusive images in my head and imagining how he must of felt just before he did what he did. It’s true what they say, he chose a permanent solution to a temporary problem... although in his case i do believe he had been ill for a long time. I’ve always tried to protect him, to make excuses for his behaviour, to get him through difficult times.. I even read the poem “it’s not how he died, but how he lived” at his funeral... that was so difficult to do but I didn’t want people to think bad of him for what he’s done... I don’t know why, after everything he put the children and I through, but I think I have just got used to protecting him for so long. I feel immense guilt that I couldn’t protect him at the end... but I couldn’t get over the betrayal and deceit I had uncovered and the emotional abuse that ensued. I have found out that he had been telling all his family members I was having an affair and made himself look like he was the poor victim in the breakdown of our relationship... if he truly loved me he wouldn’t have posted pornographic photos and videos of me in the first place... but what hurts equally as much was that he had made me out to be the one at fault and the one emotionally abusing him! I was also remembering all the times throughout our relationship that I had cause to think he was up to no good with other women... but I chose to ignore it and keep it to myself. That is because I truly loved him with all my heart. I know know he was a pathological liar... so many things have come to light since his passing. He lied with such ease that I believed everything he said.

My beautiful children keep me strong... we have talked about mental health, depression and daddy’s illness. I hope it has helped them to understand why he behaved how he did. My 6 yo daughter cries and screams for her daddy. My 10 yo son is mostly cross with his dad decision to leave us... but has told me that sometimes it feels better just being the three of us. I find that so sad that he feels that way, but I have explained that it’s just one of the emotions associated with grief. He says he’s cross because daddy made a “stupid decision”. I tell them how much he loved them and remind them of positive memories of their father. It breaks my heart every minute of every day. Both of them have regressed in terms of behaviour... my daughter has hour-long tantrums which start over something small and end up with her screaming for her daddy. My son is struggling with separation anxiety from me, which I’m getting him counselling for. I will also get counselling, but I’m devoting all my energies towards getting my children through this and back to as normal as possible... then I will look to get therapy for myself.
Thank you for all your kind words of support xxx

Nothing to add op, except you are doing better than you realise and your children will start to heal eventually from all the love you're surrounding them with, as will you.
Be kind to yourself, you've had a really rough time 

OP, so sorry to hear this. Your job was never to protect him, it was to protect your children, and you did, you did. It's not good, but this could have been so much worse.

Omg, there are t the words to say how well you're doing. Grief is definitely a process for you all. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Just wanted to pass on my condolences and to say you're doing great OP.
I know you said you want to support your children then get therapy for yourself but I honestly think that you need to be 'fixed' first before you can help your children. Don't put off getting yourself some decent therapy. A 'better you' for want of an expression will be in a much better position to support your grieving children.

So sorry to read the updates. I initially followed the thread and was terrified for you and your kids. This really resonates with me because I had a male relative who behaved very similarly, except for the revenge porn. Undoubtedly, there were mental health issues but the suicide was a final act of manipulative control, designed to cause ongoing guilt and devastation for his wife and kids. I do not mean to sound callous but we all felt relief most of all because it could have been so much worse, in that there was a real danger of him killing his children and wife too. Sadly, this is an all too frequent scenario. And long-term, it also meant that his wife and children were free because he would have terrorised them and caused untold emotional damage. This happened quite a few years ago but both the children and widow moved on. As harsh as it sounds, you are safe now!

Well just remember we are here to support you through this and any time you're having a bad day or feeling a little lonely! Your friends on MN are always here to lean on in times of need.

You sound incredibly strong @lulu5 and I think you should be really proud of yourself.

This link may or may not be of some use

https://uksobs.org/we-can-help/services-for-under-18s/?doingwpp_cron=1538685481.5283329486846923828125

http://supportaftersuicide.org.uk

If you need anything else please don't hesitate to reach out 

Im sorry for everyrhing youre going through. Id recommend looking at winstons wish to help the kids with their grief. Youre doing all the right things

Bless you love. I hope you all start to heal soon. X

Like a few others I'm so glad he chose to take only his own life, and that you and your children aren't splashed across the news because he murdered you all first.

This is not your fault. Your husband was seriously unwell for a long time, and he abused you for a long time. He was a dangerous man.

To me this was his final act of control - forcing you to play the part of grieving widow when you were actually going to divorce. And loading all this guilt onto you to try and make you feel responsible.

You and your children are so so lucky to still be around.

I know it's all still so raw, but you and your children can have good lives now without any fear of what he will do next.