Constructive critique of a man's dating profile please.

[LondonDecorator]

If it helps I'm 43.
I've been told by my ex-partner (we're still friends) to find out what women would like to see in a dating profile. We've been separated for two years but are very communicative and co-operative for the children because we both think they come first. Parents at war with each other are not acting in their kids best interests we believe that children are blessings not weapons.

I can kind of understand why women would be put off or threatened by that but having been at war with the children used as weapons by my ex-wife before this is by far the better way for us as parents to conduct ourselves.

So I'm looking for advice because honesty doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. I've pasted my profile below and cannot stress enough that I'm not looking for a hook up here which is why I've left out the name of the site I'm on.

Feel free to edit or comment. I am looking for constructive criticism and advice not petty childish insults and abuse which seems to be the way the internet is, present company accepted. Hopefully I'm not committing romantic suicide here.

Well here goes:
*Welcome to the most honest profile you'll ever read!

I prefer messages to likes but if we have a mutual like I'll message you.

So here goes me....
I am sociable outgoing man with many varied interests who values honesty, loyalty, passion, affection and intelligence in a woman.

If you like Chas n Dave and you want to be my London Girl read on.

I'm self employed as a Decorator/ Builder. Theatre as opposed to cinema mostly, I like music, (Blues, Jazz, Rock, Metal & Classical) , dancing, food, cooking, pubs, beer, gigs, books, vintage writing instruments (fountain pens), writing, wine, cycling, museums, galleries, camping, and deep sea fishing. I also like to sing at open mic nights and occasionally Karaoke.

I'm looking for a lady who is affectionate, broadminded, passionate/ adventurous, submissive but my equal too, warmhearted, into country walks, nature plus days by the Seaside as well as all of the above who doesn't mind letting her man take the lead. A woman who considers reading together to be a romantic activity because reading is really important. Gsoh+++

A supportive sexually compatible lover and long term or life partner who is not only good for my heart but also for my soul but in the meantime let's have some fun whilst we find out if we're compatible.

Also you must like children because mine will always come first for me as yours should for you.

I plan to go travelling around Europe next year. Maybe we could both go together.

You won't change me so don't try to just love me for who I am and I'll evolve at my own pace with you.

I like dogs and dogs like me but don't have one only because I have a weird sick reflex to * from childhood, many boots have been thrown out.
I have had cats before though and would happily have one again cats are cool.

I like Marmite, Steak, Italian, Thai, Chinese, Indian, Mexican and Nando's. I'm also thinking of becoming a vegetarian except for the fish of course.

Our first meeting will be for drinks somewhere along the river it runs right through London so it's convenient for everyone. The first date will be different, a bit more off the wall, more interesting.

I'd also like to date a woman who has her own eyebrows if possible not someone who shaves them all off only to draw them back on again. I don't get it I never will.
Also those cheap tacky big hoop earrings are a massive turnoff for me.

Finally I am totally non PC and not permanently offended .*

I wouldn’t be sure what you actually want

Plus chas and Dave ffs

Btw. I’ve a lot of experience in family estrangement. Every couple even ones using kids as weapons think they love them

Well this have given me a laugh this morning. It’s awful for all the reasons people state and more. Delete it all.

A timely reminder to NEVER go on OLD ever again.

So, I’m a karaoke-loving Chas n Dave type who sounds more passionate about which restaurants I like than my lengthy, lengthy selection of hobbies, all of which you are expected to share submissively while laughing at my jokes and having submissive, broad-minded sex with me immediately so we can ‘see if we’re compatible’.

I do not mention my own looks, but I am fussy about your eyebrows and earrings, and I am also hectoring you in case you don’t love your children enough, realise that your job is to ‘be good for my soul’, or appreciate my honesty. In fact, you’re probably swiping past my profile now, you stroppy cow, aren’t you! COW!

Inez

Sorry but you lost me at decorator ... shallow perhaps but the ladies are allowed to be as picky as the men and honesty is the best policy, isn't it?

I wouldn't change it if it's actually a true reflection of who you are and what you want. I haven't yet tried online dating but I think the great advice (which I read on here) is to have a very thick skin!

TLDR.
I would, honestly, make it so much shorter.

Please don't change a word OP. At least that will give the women on the dating site a fighting chance a true glimpse of your personalityI can understand why you're divorced

Your profile is one of the many many reasons I would never do online dating.

I stopped reading at the word 'submissive' because I have no interest in BDSM.

I do however think that it's right to mention sexual preferences. But you will have to accept that unless you go to a specialist site, there will be fewer responses.

Also of course, also think 'why did my XP recommend I post on MN?' Is it because she knows that any comment from her will be interpreted as negative criticism? Or more simply that she thinks you don't really pay attention to her views but might do so if common themes come from a number of posters

It's all about what you want, not what you can offer someone else.

My heart would sink if I read that. Far too many words and too opinionated.

I just received a message very similar. The guy looked nice in his photos but the list of what he liked and disliked, the criticism of women’s appearance and the arrogant tone put me right off. And having been married to someone for 20 years who said, you won’t change me at least once a day, I would run a mile.

It also really cheesy. Chas and Dave?

I wouldn’t touch you with a 20 foot pole.

It’s all about you nothing about the other person.

My thoughts are as follows:

Firstly - most honest profile. Hahahaha. Yeah right. Automatically makes me think you’re a player.

Second - I prefer messages to likes. Fuck off telling me what you decreee I should do in your second sentence. I would read beyond that.

Here goes me blah blah - intelligence? = big paying job I’m a cocklodger in training.

Chas Dave and London Girl? eurgh. No.

Your pretentious sentence construction in the sentence beginnings Theatre is off putting.

Submissive? Hahahaha get thee to Fetlife.

That sentence doesn’t really make sense and I never read with someone else. Plus it’s all about what you’re going to impose.

All the lover stuff is too full on.

The stuff about dogs and the sick stuff makes me cringe and think fetish.

Veggies don’t eat fish. Or Nando’s. Why not just say I like to eat out.

Our first meeting will be ... naw. It won’t. Nothing about mutual decision. Just it will be. Naw. Nope. No way.

Eyebrows and earrings. Dear god.

Non PC = racist twat.

You did ask.

*would not (read beyond that)

Wow, you do realise it's 2018 right? You would have to be looped to date you

Also I love my kids. Take that out. Everybody loves their kids and it’s a given you should put them first.

And the don’t try to change me reads as my way or the highway.

Our first meeting will be for drinks somewhere along the river it runs right through London so it's convenient for everyone. The first date will be different, a bit more off the wall, more interesting

I'd think you're a controlling prick. Why do you get to decide? Oh and I'd hate an unusual first date..just go out for dinner ffs.

I'd also like to date a woman who has her own eyebrows if possible not someone who shaves them all off only to draw them back on again. I don't get it I never will.
Also those cheap tacky big hoop earrings are a massive turnoff for me

I'd think judgemental prick.

A supportive sexually compatible lover

Don't mention sex. People are aware that once in a relationship there will be sex and that being compatible is important. No need to say it. You just look like a creep.

No don’t like it either
It’s too long and contradictory. Also going travelling around Europe? But what about your kids? This instantly suggests to me you might be a faux Disney Dad... sorry. When you give a first impression I don’t think there is any need to be quite so in-depth.

You know dating is supposed to be fun? It’s not a tailor made women request service.

The entire thing just reads badly... submissive section is horrible. Cats and and dogs is the most irrelevant thing and so completely pointless

Also agree with a PP

Unless you go for a very lighthearted approach (FYI mine is clearly a jokey profile, not very long or in-depth and I get a lot of interest on that - people message me something FROM my profile) then it is just a huge list of what you like in a woman. You have to know your limits. You are a divorced painter and decorator who has kids.

Your profile puts me off. Reading it to me feels like you seem entitled. I wouldn't message you.

You say a lot about what you want from a woman but the question you need to ask yourself is - what's in it for her?

Not a lot by the sounds of it.

Most women don't want to be told what to do, where to go etc and you do come across as very controlling. Try thinking about it from the other person's perspective once in a while. Why do you think the kind of woman you'd like to date would want to go out with someone like you?

@InezGraves your translation is perfect.

Obviously @LondonDecorator isn't coming back to say thank you for our constructive criticism. I doubt he is even reading the thread any more as he will have decided after the 3rd negative reply that we are all nasty man-haters and probably lesbians who don't appreciate the benefits of a real man like him.

This has to be a wind-up surely!

He hasn't bothered to respond to the comments so I expect he's too busy replying to all those 'likes' he's getting, pmsl.

My mind is boggling as to what on Earth the accompanying pictures will be like