Constructive critique of a man's dating profile please.

[LondonDecorator]

If it helps I'm 43.
I've been told by my ex-partner (we're still friends) to find out what women would like to see in a dating profile. We've been separated for two years but are very communicative and co-operative for the children because we both think they come first. Parents at war with each other are not acting in their kids best interests we believe that children are blessings not weapons.

I can kind of understand why women would be put off or threatened by that but having been at war with the children used as weapons by my ex-wife before this is by far the better way for us as parents to conduct ourselves.

So I'm looking for advice because honesty doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. I've pasted my profile below and cannot stress enough that I'm not looking for a hook up here which is why I've left out the name of the site I'm on.

Feel free to edit or comment. I am looking for constructive criticism and advice not petty childish insults and abuse which seems to be the way the internet is, present company accepted. Hopefully I'm not committing romantic suicide here.

Well here goes:
*Welcome to the most honest profile you'll ever read!

I prefer messages to likes but if we have a mutual like I'll message you.

So here goes me....
I am sociable outgoing man with many varied interests who values honesty, loyalty, passion, affection and intelligence in a woman.

If you like Chas n Dave and you want to be my London Girl read on.

I'm self employed as a Decorator/ Builder. Theatre as opposed to cinema mostly, I like music, (Blues, Jazz, Rock, Metal & Classical) , dancing, food, cooking, pubs, beer, gigs, books, vintage writing instruments (fountain pens), writing, wine, cycling, museums, galleries, camping, and deep sea fishing. I also like to sing at open mic nights and occasionally Karaoke.

I'm looking for a lady who is affectionate, broadminded, passionate/ adventurous, submissive but my equal too, warmhearted, into country walks, nature plus days by the Seaside as well as all of the above who doesn't mind letting her man take the lead. A woman who considers reading together to be a romantic activity because reading is really important. Gsoh+++

A supportive sexually compatible lover and long term or life partner who is not only good for my heart but also for my soul but in the meantime let's have some fun whilst we find out if we're compatible.

Also you must like children because mine will always come first for me as yours should for you.

I plan to go travelling around Europe next year. Maybe we could both go together.

You won't change me so don't try to just love me for who I am and I'll evolve at my own pace with you.

I like dogs and dogs like me but don't have one only because I have a weird sick reflex to * from childhood, many boots have been thrown out.
I have had cats before though and would happily have one again cats are cool.

I like Marmite, Steak, Italian, Thai, Chinese, Indian, Mexican and Nando's. I'm also thinking of becoming a vegetarian except for the fish of course.

Our first meeting will be for drinks somewhere along the river it runs right through London so it's convenient for everyone. The first date will be different, a bit more off the wall, more interesting.

I'd also like to date a woman who has her own eyebrows if possible not someone who shaves them all off only to draw them back on again. I don't get it I never will.
Also those cheap tacky big hoop earrings are a massive turnoff for me.

Finally I am totally non PC and not permanently offended .*

I agree, WingsofNylon, “I want someone submissive - not because of a kink, but because I actually believe that I should come first always”

It's where he says he's a victim of domestic abuse in his first marriage that I got concerned. Reminded me of my friends ex who told me that when I met him. And then went on to abuse my friend. Classic DARVO.

@wingsofnylon snap I thought the same thing “you had me at submissive... oh wait ..... shit .... never mind”

I feel like this needs to be pushed to the top as it's up there with Mumsnet Classics!

From the Nethuns replies, the fact he's non-pc and not permanently offended (yet is as he didn't come back here), reading this full thread has provided me with one of the best laughs I've ever had on this forum.

Don't ever change OP, but don't go near women ever again either!!

You lot really hate men don't you?

I’m just so confused as to why you don’t have a girlfriend already

LOL

FWIW my partner would probably write something similar if he had zero filter on his face, he thinks a lot of himself

But it’s just so different in real life, I obviously find him endearing. On paper? (Screen) no so much.

You lot really hate men don't you?

See I got told the other day that I'm the only woman my friend knows who doesn't complain about her DH, loves him and says nice things about him all the time.

Tossers, we hate tossers on here.

Don't have to 'hate' men per se - hate the patriarchy, hate the bad things that men can do and get away with. Am straight so date men, have male friends, love my dad...

It's very simplistic to reduce feminism to something evil when women on this thread have questioned whether this man is genuine, safe & even ready for a relationship

Also you must like children because mine will always come first for me as yours should for you.

I would get rid of the 'as yours should for you'. I doubt women with children will appreciate being told how they should prioritise them; woman without children will find this annoying (and possibly hurtful if they wanted to have them but couldn't).

So, you're single you say?

Your ex has won woman of the year for me, massive kudos to her not so submissive now.

Shall I interpret and re-write for you, OP?

I prefer messages to likes but if we have a mutual like I'll message you.

Make more effort than me. I suppose if that doesn't work I'll have to put some effort in too but I'll resent you for it.

So here goes me. I am sociable outgoing man with many varied interests who values honesty, loyalty, passion, affection and intelligence in a woman.

I'm a bit of a cunt but I want you to be perfect.

If you like Chas n Dave and you want to be my London Girl read on.

I laugh at my own jokes. You better had too.

I'm self employed as a Decorator/ Builder. Theatre as opposed to cinema mostly, I like music, (Blues, Jazz, Rock, Metal & Classical) , dancing, food, cooking, pubs, beer, gigs, books, vintage writing instruments (fountain pens), writing, wine, cycling, museums, galleries, camping, and deep sea fishing. I also like to sing at open mic nights and occasionally Karaoke.

I left school with no qualifications. Despite not being the brightest spark myself I want you to be intelligent. If I put the two in didn't paragraphs you never notice. I googled hobbies and have copied and pasted them here.

I'm looking for a lady who is affectionate, broadminded, passionate/ adventurous, submissive but my equal too, warmhearted, into country walks, nature plus days by the Seaside as well as all of the above who doesn't mind letting her man take the lead. A woman who considers reading together to be a romantic activity because reading is really important. Gsoh+++

Here is my list of demands. You need to be submissive but not submissive, inuding being willing to maintain the illusion that you're not my inferior. In fact, you won't be, because look at all the things I want you to have going for you, but don't ever disagree with me and we will have the perfect relationship.

A supportive sexually compatible lover and long term or life partner who is not only good for my heart but also for my soul but in the meantime let's have some fun whilst we find out if we're compatible.

You need to be good in bed and serve my needs until I no longer want you or I'm dead. I'd be lying if I said I wanted to please you, I don't. I want to shag you for a long time and string you along while providing no commitment whatsoever but I'll let you believe the opposite as long as you don't challenge me.

Also you must like children because mine will always come first for me as yours should for you.

We will have planned spontaneity at times and places that suit me

I plan to go travelling around Europe next year. Maybe we could both go together.

Uproot your kids and I'll abandon mine. If you're disobedient and won't, I'll probably leave you holding my kids too.

You won't change me so don't try to just love me for who I am and I'll evolve at my own pace with you.

I told you I'm a wanker here so that you can't blame me and say you didn't know. I'm never going to pick up my crusty undercrackers, that's wimmins work.

I like dogs and dogs like me but don't have one only because I have a weird sick reflex to from childhood, many boots have been thrown out. I have had cats before though and would happily have one again cats are cool.

No dogs, I'll vomit on them. I like cats for their aloof not needy nature.

I like Marmite, Steak, Italian, Thai, Chinese, Indian, Mexican and Nando's. I'm also thinking of becoming a vegetarian except for the fish of course.

I know what I like and I like what I know. I fkn hate fish.

Our first meeting will be for drinks somewhere along the river it runs right through London so it's convenient for everyone. The first date will be different, a bit more off the wall, more interesting.

I'll prescribe everything in our relationship, so we might as well start as I mean to go on.

I'd also like to date a woman who has her own eyebrows if possible not someone who shaves them all off only to draw them back on again. I don't get it I never will. Also those cheap tacky big hoop earrings are a massive turnoff for me

Don't be a tacky cheap woman. That's my role

Finally I am totally non PC and not permanently offended .*

I reserve the right to offend everybody and claim I'm just straight talking.