Constructive critique of a man's dating profile please.

[LondonDecorator]

If it helps I'm 43.
I've been told by my ex-partner (we're still friends) to find out what women would like to see in a dating profile. We've been separated for two years but are very communicative and co-operative for the children because we both think they come first. Parents at war with each other are not acting in their kids best interests we believe that children are blessings not weapons.

I can kind of understand why women would be put off or threatened by that but having been at war with the children used as weapons by my ex-wife before this is by far the better way for us as parents to conduct ourselves.

So I'm looking for advice because honesty doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. I've pasted my profile below and cannot stress enough that I'm not looking for a hook up here which is why I've left out the name of the site I'm on.

Feel free to edit or comment. I am looking for constructive criticism and advice not petty childish insults and abuse which seems to be the way the internet is, present company accepted. Hopefully I'm not committing romantic suicide here.

Well here goes:
*Welcome to the most honest profile you'll ever read!

I prefer messages to likes but if we have a mutual like I'll message you.

So here goes me....
I am sociable outgoing man with many varied interests who values honesty, loyalty, passion, affection and intelligence in a woman.

If you like Chas n Dave and you want to be my London Girl read on.

I'm self employed as a Decorator/ Builder. Theatre as opposed to cinema mostly, I like music, (Blues, Jazz, Rock, Metal & Classical) , dancing, food, cooking, pubs, beer, gigs, books, vintage writing instruments (fountain pens), writing, wine, cycling, museums, galleries, camping, and deep sea fishing. I also like to sing at open mic nights and occasionally Karaoke.

I'm looking for a lady who is affectionate, broadminded, passionate/ adventurous, submissive but my equal too, warmhearted, into country walks, nature plus days by the Seaside as well as all of the above who doesn't mind letting her man take the lead. A woman who considers reading together to be a romantic activity because reading is really important. Gsoh+++

A supportive sexually compatible lover and long term or life partner who is not only good for my heart but also for my soul but in the meantime let's have some fun whilst we find out if we're compatible.

Also you must like children because mine will always come first for me as yours should for you.

I plan to go travelling around Europe next year. Maybe we could both go together.

You won't change me so don't try to just love me for who I am and I'll evolve at my own pace with you.

I like dogs and dogs like me but don't have one only because I have a weird sick reflex to * from childhood, many boots have been thrown out.
I have had cats before though and would happily have one again cats are cool.

I like Marmite, Steak, Italian, Thai, Chinese, Indian, Mexican and Nando's. I'm also thinking of becoming a vegetarian except for the fish of course.

Our first meeting will be for drinks somewhere along the river it runs right through London so it's convenient for everyone. The first date will be different, a bit more off the wall, more interesting.

I'd also like to date a woman who has her own eyebrows if possible not someone who shaves them all off only to draw them back on again. I don't get it I never will.
Also those cheap tacky big hoop earrings are a massive turnoff for me.

Finally I am totally non PC and not permanently offended .*

I just wanted to add I am an intelligent woman in management who likes reading and has own eyebrows who is currently dating a divorced chippie with 2 kids... because he makes me laugh, and he seems kind. Surely that’s what most women just actually want?

You have more baggage than Heathrow.

OP probably thought he’d get lots of responses saying how great he sounded and that we’d all want to date him. Hasn’t really gone the way he hoped

I enjoyed the eyebrows bit

Blimey! 'Arrogant, inflexible man (who probably mistakes denigration of others for humour) looks for woman willing to do exactly what he wants at all times'.

Helpful proof-reading tip: It's 'present company excepted' not 'accepted'.

Writing is hard- and It might be that you are a nice bloke who just can’t write...

You come across badly here.

Cut it, keep it simple, open and light. Telling us that a river runs through London? Um, we know! Telling us that kids should come first? We know! Don’t talk down to people.

I’d say something like- ‘I’m crap at writing but here goes..I’m honest, hard working, kind, blah blah and would like to meet a lovely woman to get to know...Im a builder decorator, i have two kids, I love travelling, London blah blah, how about you?’

If you're looking for an intelligent, London woman, surely you can skip the geography lesson about the river Thames?!

I stopped reading past the 'most honest profile' bit

That profile is truly hideous, cringing so much at it and if you messaged me I’d absolutely block you in a heartbeat.

You’re not looking for a woman you’re after a robot, who will facilitate your every whim, choose what they eat and where and do as they are told, look a certain way or you’ll tell them they look shit. It’s awful can’t believe you think a woman would read this and think yeah I’ll message this guy and hopefully he’ll like me.....urgh they’ll run a mile!!

I got as far as ‘London girl’
You want a girl?

No I wouldn’t go there far too many controlling expectations

'My mind is boggling as to what on Earth the accompanying pictures will be like '

Come back op. I would love to read your explanations for this red flag fest. Or tell you that if you're on the wind up, you aren't funny. Your ex wife was right to send you our way. I bet she's reading this and laughing her ass off.

'Please don't change a word OP. At least that will give the women on the dating site a fighting chance a true glimpse of your personalityI can understand why you're divorced'

This

Thats if there's any glimmer this Is straight up

I thank my lucky stars every day that I no longer have to do OLD courtesy of my lovely hubby who I met in the very conventional friends of friends way.

The OPs post is the reason why.

I do wonder why the OP hasn't come back??

He's probably unable to get down from his petard.

*I'm looking for a lady who is submissive. Who doesn't mind letting her man take the lead.

You won't change me so don't try.

A woman who has her own eyebrows, not someone who shaves them all off only to draw them back on again. I don't get it I never will.

Also those cheap tacky big hoop earrings are a massive turnoff for me.

I am totally non PC and not permanently offended.

I'm a Builder.*

Oh I see. You're one of those builders. Catcalling women, slagging them off if they don't respond.

Even if you're really not, that's exactly what your profile tells us.

@LondonDecorator you've had some pretty blunt replies, so I hope you've got a thick skin and spoke truly when you say you aren't easily offended.

However. There is more than a grain of truth in every response. We are creatures of nuance and inflection, and your writing gives off a lot of negative vibes.

The references to submissiveness and letting a man take the lead, and not being willing to change... you know these are all euphemisms for "I'm a bully, we do what I want in bed and it's my way or the highway". Non-pc means "I tell racist and homophobic jokes and think I'm funny when it's actually just cringey and horrible".

Maybe you didn't really mean it like that.

The thing is, at our age - we are all adults here - we've met more than one man who thinks he's telling the truth about himself when he says these things and turns out to be that guy - so now it IS the truth. This is a site where you are trying to show the best version of yourself, right? So these are going to be mild or euphemistic terms, and everyone expects the real thing to be a lot less polished.

If that isn't you, don't write these things. If that is you, your profile is an accurate reflection, and that's not very attractive. Especially to women who are intelligent and capable of using their own brain and judgment as to what they find attractive, being told up front you'll take a back seat in the relationship is just not good news. Most women our age have some experience of that already and aren't keen to sign up for it again.

There are some harsh responses that you may not have been expecting, but do try and learn from the feedback.

Sounds up his own arse, takes like too seriously with little sense of humour and what in God's name is with the submissive comment?! Delete it all.

It's also far far too long. I got bored half way through! Snappy and short with humour are the ones that used to stand out to me when I was online dating.

Might as well just post:

I hate women
I hate women
I hate women
I hate women
I love myself though
And you better love me the way I say you should

I'm wondering if you're ex partner has actually told you to do this for a laugh. Maybe she realises what you're really like and has suggested this so you get feedback in droves telling you. If she has - genius! I might try this on my stbxh

I think you should leave the profile exactly as it is. There are so many red flags in here, a woman should know exactly what she's getting if she messages you or dares to date you.

If she reads this profile and likes it, then she's potentially the right person for you. Anyone else will quickly swipe left (is it left to ignore?) and move on.

It will turn off readers looking for a serious relationship with all the references to submissive/broad minded/ looking for fun etc - unless they are up for a casual hook up in the meantime and aren't too picky. I echo all the other points previous posters have made about pretty much everything.

Please keep it as it is if you want to be 'honest'. Anything else will be a cover up and any women you date will discover the 'real' you quite quickly, so don't waste everyone's time.

PS. You like fishing? Please add a nice big profile photo of you holding an enormous fish.

This has got to go in 'Mumsnet Classics' !!!!

"Submissive....who doesn't mind letting her man take the lead...You won't change me"
Put those first. That will weed out the others.