DP doesn't want to marry me

[NC4THIS11]

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

I'm dreading seeing him in the morning.

There will be no further discussions, at least not initiated by him. There's more chance of hell freezing over than him coming to speak to me about anything important.

There will be a huge elephant in the room, me feeling sad and hormonal, him pottering about like tonight never happened.

So things that are obvious to you and I and everyone posting about your future/security are new to him. Give him time and keep talking. You sprung this on him and he couldn't deal with it. That doesn't necessarily mean he won't be able to see things from your perspective in time but he obviously needs things spelling out.

I just don't know how many times I can set myself up for disappointment, that's twice I've raised it tonight and effectively been chinned off

You don't sound melodramatic at all. You sound like you're hurting. Who wouldn't be?

I don't think it's too much at all to want the father of your children to be willing to marry you.

If he hadn't considered the legal aspects of marriage (and to be fair, there are a huge number of people who don't know what marriage is, including some who have posted on this very thread), then is there a chance he wold reconsider now that he understands better what it is? A legal contract about asset sharing that would protect you if he died or the relationship broke down?

A trip to a solicitor to make it plain to him exactly how you would be protected, what would change and, crucially, what wouldn't, might be a good idea if he would agree?

So sorry op. You may not want to hear it now but it's also much better than realising after you have wasted several more years with him. You deserve better, and if you articulate what you want and don't settle you will get it. I hope he at least has the decency to respect your perspective. I suspect however that he will try to win you back now with non specific assurances and ' maybe some point in the futures'. Stand firm. Your cards are on the table and you have seen his true reaction.

He might be the kind of person who would like to go to a solicitor to find out all the pros and cons?

I don't think it's time to give up OP. You have made a start tonight. No more elephants!

Marriage is very important to me and ultimately I feel its a deal breaker. If I swallowed my pride and had this conversation with him earlier I wouldn't be in the shit position of having two DC to somebody unprepared to commit.

I genuinely never imagined the conversation would go this way, until recently. This year.

Before that I always believed we'd end up married.

For fuck sake

Well done OP, I know that was really hard but it’s better that you know each other’s thoughts than guessing. As other posters have said, if he was unaware of the legal aspects of marriage then he may change his mind over time.

Sorry OP. I know how you feel as I have been there. I was actually engaged to my partner before he decided marriage wasn't for him. It still stings now.

We are still together because in almost other aspects he is a good man, a good father and we get on well. But I have given up on something that was important to me. I decided my family and raising our daughter together was more important.

Oops. That went too soon.

As I said, ultimately my family was more important than a wedding and marriage so I stayed and we have a good life together.

We are hoping the bill for civil partnerships comes in for heterosexual couples as a compromise for the security aspect of things.

It's an option to consider- if it is made legal in the UK

He can sort his own dinner tomorrow, get himself up for work and wash his own damn clothes. I'm basically hired help without the pay, oh and sex on tap when he wants it.

Feeling very bitter right now so please excuse me if I sound a bit childish.

He knew how I felt about marriage, he should have told me this from the beginning, then would I heck have made a family with him. I feel I've been lead a merry dance.

Even if he did reconsider on the basis of practicality and not love, would that make me happy? Probably not, the marriage was about love for me not money.

I wanted him to want me to be his wife.

I'm a good woman and I've given him the blessing of two children, if after all this and everything else I've done for and with him he doesn't think I should be his wife then fuck him

It's difficult for you being pregnant at the moment, so hard as it is try not to get too stressed out.

I'm not buying his autism having anything to do with this. He doesn't want marriage with anyone, it's not you OP.

7 years and 2 kids...(before she cheated) and he didn't marry her. Who knows, maybe she was fed up of waiting and had an exit affair, although that's no excuse.

Try and get real life support from family and friends. If you want someone else with you during labour...give it some thought.

Sorry it turned out as it did...but it's best you know now.

I have let myself believe its just me he doesn't want to marry although the fact a wedding never accumulated with his ex of 7 years does say something.

Perhaps he did feel pressured by her DM and family so asked her to keep everybody quiet, who knows.

If I can shake the feeling that he doesn't believe I'm "good enough" it'll be easier to digest, I think.

I've poured my heart out to DM tonight who's been lovely, she said whatever happens she'll support me through the pregnancy and afterwards. I do have a little support network so won't be completely alone. No thanks to him.

I don't know why he's intent on keeping his options open after two children, perhaps he doesn't see me and him as permanent. He cant do. If he did then why would he be so opposed to marriage? If its just a piece of paper then what's the harm. It seems to me that he thinks if he married me he is therefore stuck with me and it would be harder to leave, perhaps I'm being too suspicious.

You don’t sound childish op, you sound hurt and very rational. You want to be in a relationship with someone who will commit to you through marriage. This guy knows that but has been too selfish and cowardly to address it. Why should you cook his dinner or wash his clothes? The maintenance he refers to is for the children not you.

Yep! If I'm just a girlfriend I'll act like one.

Casual girlfriends don't wash their fellas pants, usually.

Although that being said, don't girlfriends get taken on dates? Woo'ed? Romanced?

Doesn't look like I'm a girlfriend either!

Fuck buddy with children seems appropriate, for him.

He doesn't want a wife, but wants a girlfriend to behave like one, yet doesn't fulfill the typical role of a 'boyfriend'?

Perhaps he just wants a live-in maid who gives him children

If we can't progress past this and end up parting ways eventually, is being a lone parent of two really the end of the world and life as I know it?

OP some people just do not want to get married it’s as simple as that, it’s not a crime and certainly doesn’t mean he loves you any less. Marriage isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. If marriage is a deal breaker then you need to ask yourself why you have put yourself in a position where you have concieved two children before a serious discussion around this had taken place.

It’s not as if he’s some multi millionaire who you would benefit from marrying for financial security. Upthread you said you both didn’t own your own home and are ‘slowly saving’ a deposit. If that’s the case then being married or not is hardly going to give you a financial advantage unless he has a large pension pot or other assets which I presume he doesn’t if you both do not even have a deposit for a house.

It was never about money for me, I've always wanted to get married and he knew that. He has said in the past he'd like to get married some day, so I always believed that day would come and we would.

Only now after one DC and another on the way does he tell me he doesn't want to get married, at all.

I still think its just me he doesn't want to marry, but I'm not going to harangue him over it as he has every right to not want to marry and although i'm absolutely gutted about that, I have to accept it.

You'd only get maintenance if he decided to give it to you - there would be nothing legal that would force him, it would be up to him.

Plus if you were married you'd be entitled to at least half the marital assets if you split.

So he thinks if you split he'd chuck you a sum of money every month and that would be enough? When you've already taken the hit in your career by going part time - and the suggestion was that you'd be a SAHM. Fucks sake, you would be up shit creek without a paddle if you did that and you weren't married.

You're right, he's got it all how he wants it as things stand, no need to change it or inconvenience himself. He wins the award on the selfish front.

I honestly think you've got the wrong end of the stick to think he's not asking you because he doesn't think you're wife material - he's not asking you because he doesn't want to marry anybody. He wants all this just as it is.

There is a small chance he has simply not thought through the implications for you of not having the legal/financial security of marriage - but really that's no excuse. It is unacceptable that he hasn't considered what this means for you.

That's aside from what it means TO you. ie it's important, which he has always known.

What does marriage offer him? If you could provide him with a concrete reason perhaps he would go along with it. But it seems the thrill of the wedding day and the status of marriage means little to him. You could say that if he would marry you you would be eternally grateful, but being realistic the gratitude and happiness and novelty that would come with marriage would soon wear off. Then you'd be in a similar place to where you are now, only he'd be at the very real risk of losing half his savings and pension etc. should divorce occur.

All his protestations aside, I bet this is his main motive for being so reluctant to marry. Whether he's being selfish as Springyduff says, or just rational, depends on your perspective.

Some people just don't want to get married

Some people should not have two kids and a long term relationship with someone if they want to be footloose and fancy-free, then.

His first fiancé returned to her home country, his second (DC's mum) kept putting off a wedding then he found out she'd cheated on him. They split up after that.

So both his previous partners / fiancés abandoned him.

Maybe he thinks he's jinxed and you'll ask leave him if you get engaged.

... you'll also leave him ...

Sorry op.
I know it’s probably no consolation right now, but you aren’t alone. I’m really glad your mum sounds supportive.
I’ve been where you are and I totally understand how you are feeling. It’s not childish; he has played you here a bit (it’s late, but i’m sure I read something in your op about him giving you a wink about a ring. Well, bloody hell who wouldn’t expect a proposal?).
Be strong and I hope you make the right decision for you. Don’t end up like me with one baby after 15 years and still begging for some level of recognition.

I'm sorry to say that you are in a very common situation OP. The fallacy that having children with someone, would make them WANT to marry.

You are getting the wrong idea about previous girlfriends. They were engaged. It means nothing. It's a convenient stalling mechanism to 'keep her quiet ' . It's a means by which men get a housekeeper, children, child carer and sex partner whilst they have to provide no security or share any assets they acquire whilst you are busy doing unpaid wife work !
So many women believe that 'social constraints ' of the past where having children out of 'wedlock' has made life better for women. That is bullshit. The 'social acceptability' of children out of marriage has made life MUCH more precarious for women.
It's horrible OP. It must feel like you are 'Ms Good Enough for now'... so many men do this. Then marry 'the one'.
Don't make excuses for him. It is what it is. If he WANTED to get married he would say so. It's not autism , fear of rejection or any other such bollocks. It's simply as my granny said .. why on earth would you buy the milk when the horse came for free ?

You know the score- now YOU are in the position to call the shots and remove all the 'benefits' of a live in 'wife'.. If he wants you back he knows the cost. If he doesn't consider you worth the price of marriage then you have your answer. He may not realise that you would ever go - and equally realise what he has lost. Until you've gone.

It may change his mind
It may not.
Are you willing to compromise your life ? (There's not a wrong or right answer to that - life is full of compromises - is this one YOU are prepared to make ?)