DP doesn't want to marry me

[NC4THIS11]

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

Men love the chase. They like it when their mates believe they are punching (above their weight, as in 'pulling a bird out of their league').

Oh Christ alive, and now here we are with all the Mars-Venus-Rules bullshit.

If you have to play games with a man, just don't fucking bother. Dump him and find a better one. Manufacturing a "chase" is not the stuff of marriages that are really worth something, that are true partnerships that both people can flourish in. It might briefly get someone's attention and upset the power dynamic. But it's bloody exhausting and no way to live.

If you can't have actual conversations, you're buggered. Life is both too long and hard, and too short, to live with someone who, when you put your heart on the line, pretends not to hear you.

*CountessVonBoobs
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You said it much better than I did!

Don't try and discuss this when he rings from work, either. Same as texting, it's not the way to have a serious conversation. If he usually calls you on his break, I would just not pick up tonight. He didn't want to talk to you earlier; now he can wait till you can have a proper face to face conversation about what you want to say.

Don't text OP. Face to face will tell you a lot more and he won't feel ambushed and attacked by a calm face to face discussion.
However, I'm not sure it is worth pressing him for answers at this point. I think you know he isn't keen. You just don't know why.
Change your behaviour to remind him of your value and what you brought to his life, while you evaluate what you want to do. It was disrespectful of him to not be honest and open with you on a serious subject. But this is your life and affects your children. You don't have to make decisions tonight or even this month.

I'm actually in favour of you texting - he can't pretend he doesn't hear you or otherwise avoid. In an ideal world, we'd only have serious conversations face to face and all that, but it's not ideal, and he's evasive and you're scared of his answer if you get one, so text is a good way forward. At least he has time to think and you can appear calm and collected by text.

Yeah I've decided to do exactly that, not pick up when he calls tonight. I'm in no mood for small talk and that's all it'll be.

In the past when communication has been a problem he has said its because of his autism, he does have very mild autism but that didn't stop him proposing to his other exes, did it? I can't help but think he doesn't see me as good enough, otherwise what's stopping him.

I know it seems like I'm stuck on that aspect of not feeling like I am enough and I am, I think a fair few people would be doubting his feelings for me in my position.. although I do recognise that its not healthy to dwell on such an insignificant part of a big problem. I'll try to give my head a shake about that.

I agree about making myself less available, up until now I've been acting like a wife without being made one.

Definitely keep yr job.

The reason he wont get married is he knows you are too afraid of losing him to push it.

Well show him you dont fear losing him. Show him you are brave enough to take a stand.

Everyone is different..but after what he did I wouldn't mention marriage again and I'd start making plans to move forward without him.

I'm not going give him the Spanish inquisition about why he doesnt want to get married.

Quite frankly I wouldn't care what his reasons are. That he doesnt want to be married is all I'd need to know, then I can get on with my life and try and have a civil coparent relationship with him.

Yupp. Better off accepting it and walking away with pride.

OP don’t bring up past relationships, there is no point in doing so. Anyway he didn’t marry any of them even if he did ask. They are irrelevant to your relationship. All they reveal to me is that he has not followed through on commitments. Maybe the fact he has managed to get away with it and find women who will give him a lovely comfy life with no meaningful legal commitment on his part is working well for him.

I agree completely with the posters that say show him the value you have, stop giving him this wonderful life and free labour when he’s not willing to give you what you need.

I think men (on the whole) respond to ACTION rather than lots of talking and words (via text etc.) if you act and DO or DON’T DO something he has to respond. That will be much more likely to shake him up from his complacency.

Whose surname has your child got? I'd be naming this second one in my maiden name if I wasn't married.

I wouldn't be as quick to dismiss his autism impacting on your (as a couple) communication.

I agree with a PP that you made a very half hearted attempt at a serious conversation. If you become a passive aggressive version of yourself, stop doing things with him and don't explain why you are changing/ what the issues are he's not going to want to marry you. You need to make plans to leave as you can't actually talk to him.

I agree about making myself less available, up until now I've been acting like a wife without being made one.

That's a very powerful sentence.

Well I ended up answering.

He doesn't want to get married at all and said it seems like a load of headache and crap, he saw his mum go through two bad divorces yada yada yada.

I said does he not think me and the kids are entitled to financial security then, If its not something he'd do for the romantic reason's. He asked me to elaborate. I said well for instance if we were to break up in years to come, we'd be entitled to fuck all. Also, being unmarried leaves me in a vulnerable situation where I can't afford to give up my job. He said if we split up you'd get maintenance, like "his mum did"

I asked why it was he was happy to propose to two exes but not me and he said it was peer pressure, one of his exes mums kept 'pandering' him about it so he says, he just 'gave in'

No explanation for the other one.

I said well I feel as though you don't see me as good enough to marry but good enough to lay down with. He paused and asked me where all this had come from and I said that I'd been wanting to broach the situation for some time but never felt able to, because I was scared to hear exactly what he was now telling me.

A few years ago he actually said he would like to get married "at some point" it was a throwaway comment and he probably thinks I wouldn't have remembered. I did.

Its abundantly clear what he thinks of me, or what he doesn't.

Feeling extremely sad now.

That is not what you want to hear when you're pregnant with his second child

Oh what a fucking fool I am.

I understand why you are upset op, but to give another perspective:
You spent a long time building up to having an important conversation about a major life issue, and you sprang it on him out of the blue in the middle of eastenders. He wasn't ready, hadn't been thinking about it, was caught short so didn't react and changed the subject.
You are also carrying the disappointment built up over six months since the birthday hint.
You say communication is an issue, that he does have mild autism. Maybe he just hasn't picked up on the hints, doesn't know how you feel, how could he if you don't tell him.
There is an element here of you setting him up to fail, which then reinforces your insecurities.

This is a serious conversation that you need to have, so treat it as such - choose an appropriate moment and setting without distractions, tell him you want to have a chat about something important so he is ready and receptive, and tell him that you want to be married.

Another factor is to differentiate between being married and having a wedding. My dp has a strong aversion to weddings, even going to them. we are getting married soon, and have figured out a level of party that we are both happy with. He wants to be married, didn't want a wedding.

I hope things work out for you op!

DD has my surname and new baby will be having my surname too. That's one thing I did get right!

The upshot is that he doesn’t want to marry you. Simple

Sorry!
Terrible cross post
Hugs

Yep, he doesn't.

If you're a fool, OP, then you're a fool for love, and that's the most understandable, common and human kind there is. Whatever else is happening, do not beat yourself up about that. Most people want a loving relationship and children and it's easy to take emotions out of the picture when they're not yours.

I'm glad to hear about the surnames.

It does sound as though he means it regarding the maintenance. I think financially you will be just fine.

I think you were probably scared of the conversation because you knew deep down how it would go.

Probably doesn’t make it hurt any less though

I don't doubt he'd see the kids well in terms of maintenance but it was about much more than money for me.

The security aspect was of course important but that only shrouded what was really going on for me, I so badly wanted to be his wife. I didn't want the big flash wedding or a big sparkler, I wanted the father of my DC to be my husband, to think enough of me to give me that title

I feel such a fucking idiot, I'm sat in tears now. I don't know how I'll look him in the eye tomorrow, I sound melodramatic but this changes everything for me. I feel mugged off, and used

Bumpertobumper I echo your comments.

It's clear from his response these reasons why marriage is important (that you have expressed here) are totally new to him. Does he have theory of mind difficulties? Do you understand how his autism impacts on his ability to communicate about things that are important to someone else but not thoughts in his own mind?

I really feel for you. It might not be what you think though.

OP. Give him time to process this. Of course his mother was entitled to maintenance because she was married, he's not prepared to offer that security to you.
He may of course need some time to work all this out and see that you are actually being very sensible. I do think you've done the right thing bringing this out into the open though rather than always be hoping about what might happen. At least you know now, and can make sensible choices for you based on that.

He did say he had never looked at it as a legally binding contract for security, those reasons for marrying were totally new to him. He hadn't considered those before, so when proposing to people before it was just out of love and not necessity